two of me | Teen Ink

two of me

March 11, 2022
By boygenius GOLD, Boca Raton, Florida
boygenius GOLD, Boca Raton, Florida
16 articles 0 photos 0 comments

I find myself balancing on a tightrope in between two worlds in my own head. Who I am and who I was. I do a good job shoving myself into tiny boxes, or organizing myself so that only the beautiful things are on display, but I am starting to slip.

I dropped my cousin off at the beach today so she could hang out with her friends. That's when I saw the divide between the two parts of me most clearly- by seeing the divide in her and me. It was the weirdest thing.

She is like the sound of reggae music on the beach, or the sun warming your skin. I am like a puddle of gray. She took my aux and plugged in her phone. This is the life started playing- another stark contrast in our lives (because my music is becoming slow and painful to listen to for everyone besides me.) She is me two years ago. It felt like I just dunked my head in ice cold water, and resurfaced only when I could feel ice crystals forming behind my eyes. That's not even the right way to describe it. It felt like my heart just shriveled up and started collecting dust. She was going to have a picnic on the beach; I was going home to lay in my bed, call my friends, and listen to them talk about how much they idolize Karl Marx.

She was singing the song and letting her fingers dance in the air. I was staring straight ahead with my short hair whipping my face. She was wearing an outfit that reminded me of Stevie Nicks mixed with some Hawaiian pinterest girl outfit- in a good way. I was wearing sweats. I just cut my bangs, and I couldn't decide if I loved them or hated them.

It was like being blasted back in time, and looking at myself in the mirror. Freshman year I had fun. I knew the secret. Junior year me is boring, and tired. I don't feel like I lost myself though, instead it feels like I have formed an entirely different personality. But I still haven't let go of my old personality yet either. They are constantly fighting for attention in my head. Do I have fun, or do I let myself catch up on sleep?

When I'm with her I have to pull out my clothes from freshman year. When I'm alone I cut my hair shorter to spite myself months ago. Two years ago I would have hated who I was right now, but right now I hate the girl I was two years ago. I'm slowly learning that it's okay to cut off parts of yourself that are dying- but sometimes I don't want to.

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