To All The People Who Loved Me Before.

To a younger me. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. Things I wish I could protect you from. Things I want to help you understand. But if I could only choose one thing, it would be to learn how to be okay with letting go. Letting go of words, actions, and—most importantly—people. It will hurt. Trust me I know it will, but not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. I just want you to remember the good and the joy they brought you…not just their departure from your life. Having people for a little bit is better than not having them in your life at all.

To the boy who teased me endlessly, but was more protective about me than anyone else. To the girl who fought with me constantly since the first grade, but was always the first to apologize. To the girl who I considered my best friend, but hurt me in a way I would have never imagined. To the girl who I thought I would never have to live without. To the boy who taught me that I don't have to do everything by myself. To the girl who taught me I deserve the world and not to apologize for being happy. 

All these people have shaped me in ways I could never have accomplished on my own, some good and some… not so much. I think about it like the core memories in the movie Inside Out. These people are my core memories and even though it hurts to think about sometimes, I know these things happened for a reason.

Gavin S. Kindergarten to Second grade. We were young, very young. I brought my baby blanket everywhere but school, and he made fun of me for it…everywhere but school. He called me a crybaby, which, wasn't the most endearing term, but it was true. He made fun of me? I cried. He beat me in a game of chess? I cried. But at school? He was my defender. At school, if anyone ever said the wrong thing to me, he was there and knew exactly how to make me feel better. We knew everything about each other, likes, dislikes, opinions…well, as much as kids younger than seven can have opinions on.

Alexa W. Kindergarten to eighth grade. We were inseparable. From our first day of kindergarten we bonded because we were the last two in alphabetical order for our class. With my last name starting with a V and her last name starting with a W last name, I never had to worry about being last in line. We were immediately friends. We connected through our love of animals. On the iPads in kindergarten there was an app where you could watch videos of different animals doing cool things. We would sit for so long just laughing and taking turns choosing which animal to watch. Even though we don't see each other as much as we used to, we love and care about each other, nothing will ever change that.

Megan M. Sixth grade to the beginning of eighth grade. We were very close, we told each other everything. We swam together, went to school together. She was one of those people that you needed to get to know before you could realize she wasn't a bad person…at least that's what I told all my other friends. Over the summer of my seventh grade year, she did something I never would have guessed. We didn't talk the rest of the summer. Of course when school started we could ignore it anymore. We had a nasty falling out. Both of us had to talk to the counselor, together and separately. I blamed myself. I thought there had to be something I had done to deserve this, a reason for everything going wrong. I caved in on myself. I stopped caring about school, about what I looked like, and about my sport. I just wanted to be done. My parents kept pushing me, they got me help and someone to talk to. I slowly started to heal, and even today I'm still trying to heal. What helped me through was my friends, those who stood by my side at least. I lost more friends than just Megan that year, school friends mostly. My swim team became my reason for any joy I had. My friends, my coaches, and the rush of the races. Everything going on in my head, I could just let go of it in the pool.

Tierney N. Fifth grade to the beginning of freshman year. We shared mutual friends. Our groups combined at the end of fifth grade and we ended up sitting next to each other at lunch. It was a surprise friendship in my opinion, we were VERY different, but maybe that's why we worked so well. Turned out we lived within walking distance of each other and that summer we ran back and forth from my trampoline to her pool. She brought me up north with her family in eighth grade, it became my new favorite place. High school hit and things became weird, we both had our separate friends and conflicting schedules. We still live within walking distance of each other, and there are absolutely no hard feelings. This is more a friendship that ran its course. We wish each other happy birthdays and say hi to each other at school. We still care about each other, now just in a more quiet way.

Joey R. The end of eighth grade to the middle of sophomore year. We met through swim in sixth grade but didn't actually become friends till eighth grade. We were very awkward at first, but slowly became more comfortable with each other. Right before COVID hit, a little trio formed, Joey, Katherine, and me. We spent all of the lockdown playing games over facetime and just talking with each other. When we were finally allowed back in school it was our freshman year of high school, none of us had any of the same classes, but we did sit together at lunch. We grew closer and closer, the three of us did everything together. 

Katherine C. The middle of sixth grade to right now, and hopefully forever. I believe in soulmates, both platonic and romantic. I think if people are meant to be in your life, they will be. That's how I feel about Katherine. From the first day we met, it was like we had known each other all our lives. We had the same interests, both being swimmers we spent a lot of time together. She, somehow, both matches my energy and keeps it under control simultaneously. I make sure she does things just for fun rather than working herself to death. We balance each other out in every way you could possibly imagine. Multiple instances there have been asked if we were sisters, or even cousins. We always have to laugh and explain no, we’re just best friends. My mom still talks to her high school best friend. They were in each other's wedding parties and my brother and I grew up with their kids. I can only hope to be able to have a sliver of the relationship my mom has with her best friend with Katherine someday.

All these people in my life have taught me lessons I would never have learned if I didn't experience these relationships. I may not remember every little detail about our friendship, but I remember how I felt. In the moment with all these people I thought that was the happiest I would ever be. Seeing them go was hard, it felt like the world was ending. Slowly I began to realize it wasn't. I was healing and growing into the person I am today and, yes, sometimes I do still miss these people, but I know it's for the best that I just let them go.