I’m thankful that I have not experienced much loss in my life. Nearly all of my loved ones are still with me.  In some ways though, my lack of loss makes me anxious for how I will react when I do lose someone close to me. Everyone deals with grief in different ways, so is it truly possible to know how to help a certain group of people who may be grieving in many different ways?

This past August was one of the first times that I experienced true loss. Two sisters who both were close to my family and the community of my sleepaway camp passed away. One of these sisters was my camp counselor during one of the best summers of my life. The other had been a friend of my sisters and a role model for me since I was young. No one was expecting something this terrible to happen during what was already an amazing summer. The pain that we felt because of this loss traveled through camp. Even those who did not know the sisters were crying and supporting their friends because they could tell the impact that these girls had on the camp community. 

It was the first time I could truly feel grief all around me. That day started like any other amazing sleepaway camp day, and it ended with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and an urge to hold everyone you love tight, and let them know you are there for them. Over the next few days, many visitors who were close friends of the girls came to camp and we also got the opportunity to call home to our family. The one thing that I said to everyone I encountered was that being at camp, surrounded by people who knew them, and being able to be in a place I know they loved has truly been one of the best comforts throughout all of this. There was no better place to grieve through this tragedy. That made me realize how important it is for teens to surround themselves with peers when they are grieving. 

Grief is always going to be a complex, indescribable, subjective problem. But when you are a teen, grief can be particularly complicated. When you are younger, death does not entirely make sense, and when you are a teen, death can be understood but it can be extremely hard to describe your feelings surrounding it. That is why teens are more likely to depend on peers for support in times of grief rather than their parents, as Dr. Julia Samton of The Midtown Practice in New York City says. Peers in many ways can understand that feeling of pain, but it is more difficult for them to articulate than it is for their parents. Especially when they are grieving the same person as you, relying upon your peers in that way can be extremely beneficial for teens.

In many ways, grief can make people feel helpless, especially towards those who were the closest to the ones lost. I spent a lot of time struggling with this. I knew I wanted to do something, anything I could to help keep these girls' memories alive. One way that I tried to help myself through my grief was by creating a foundation in their honor. I knew how much these sisters loved camp. They also contributed to the reason why I loved camp so much and I could not be more grateful for that. So, I decided to raise money for underprivileged children to go to camp. Giving children the life changing experiences that they deserve and that the girls were also granted when they went to camp felt like the best way to honor them. Doing this helped me grieve because it made me feel connected to those we lost. I wanted to do something that I know would make them happy and I wanted to give back to the place where I met them. When teens are ready, sometimes giving back can be an amazing way to get through grief. 

Throughout these past few months, I have also seen how important talking about loss can be for teens. Although at first, if teens are not ready to talk about loss, that has to be accepted as an answer. It is incredibly important to “not force teens to talk about death,” and to “wait for them to be ready,” Dr. Samton observes. If they are ready though, writing about death and their connections with the ones they lost can be incredibly therapeutic. 

One of the things we implemented with the foundation was to add on a blog, we reached out to many people and asked them to write something or a fond memory they have with the girls. For one of these blog posts I reached out to all of the girls in my bunk from when one of the girls who passed away was a counselor. Each of us wrote a story we had with her or a fond memory or something she taught us. This was a great way for us to connect with her and her memory and also grieve together. Reaching out to people for blog posts also reminded me of the sensitivity of grief. Some people simply were not ready to write or wanted to keep these feelings private. Accepting that people’s stages were different and accepting “no” for an answer reminded me how no person, or teen, is going to grieve in the same way and that it is incredibly important to be respectful of that. 

I also saw the impact of writing through your feelings in another way when a 9th grader at my school tragically passed away this past winter. Many kids from all different grades got together for a potluck in his memory. One of the things you could do at the potluck was write cards that would go on his memorial at our school. As I looked around the potluck, I saw many people writing very heartfelt things or creating beautiful drawings. All of these cards combined to make something beautiful in his memory, and being able to share something in his honor was a way to help these kids. 

It is important to keep in mind that not every day after losing someone you love is going to be easy. As Dr. Samton put “Recovery after a loss is not linear, instead there are good days and bad days, and within bad days there will be good moments and vice versa.” If you are grieving someone or are close to someone who is grieving, it is always going to be a battle, but that does not mean that you also are not allowed to be okay. Being okay does not mean that grief is over or that you have forgotten about the person you lost. It also is incredibly important to let the ones closest to the person you lost know that you are thinking of them and thinking of those you lost. When I reached out to the family of these girls one of the things they said is how great it is to hear that someone is thinking of their girls. Let those people know, sharing a great memory you have or simply that you thought of them is far more impactful than you may think.