This year has been very enlightening for me.I’ve discovered a lot of things about me and the people i am surrounded by.The most informative has been that the best person who is capable of gaslighting me is myself and the one thing i am good at it is making myself think what i experience and how i feel when people don't react the way i want them too is not valid.I do it while being excessively self aware i'm doing it but i prefer that than thinking someone who i love could do me wrong.

Perhaps it is my excessive need to please that is the issue.There have been many times this year when someone i'm close too has done something i don't like or i feel disrespected by.However opening up to them and telling them how i feel means me constantly thinking that they now “hate” me.This very intense apprehension about not being  well liked by others is something that is now causing a constant strain upon my daily life.I analyse and dissect every conversation trying to seek reassurance from it and because of that i live in a permanent cycle of anxiety and uncertainty.

I have spent most of my life putting in immense effort in pleasing everyone around me and in return holding the same expectations from people who I know can not live up to them.When people in return don't reciprocate with  the same level of consideration it causes me to become frustrated. Being liked by others and not doing anything to upset them has become an all consuming mission and somewhere along the line I've forgotten to include myself in the list of people who I have made it my job to keep happy.I bend over backwards to ensure somebody else's fulfilment but what happened to my own?

My happiness has become dependant on the love, appreciation and approval i receive from others and slowly i've realised that for once i need to stop worrying about whether or not someone dislikes me and start learning that its okay to say no.That setting boundaries and knowing how to prioritise myself is okay.Breaking free from this cycle of self neglect and people pleasing will be a long journey but it will be a journey worth taking.