There are so many people out there that say, “I cannot believe girls starve themselves and go anorexic just to be thin.” I used to say that about anorexic girls too. But now that it happened to me, I know that it is so much more than starving yourself just to get thin. Nobody likes to live this way and nobody deserves it. Even though I feel like I deserve it most of the time and sometimes don’t mind living this way because I don’t know any other way. But that’s how you’d feel if you were like this too. Being thin is kind of like an extra bonus to the starvation in a weird, twisted way. It might be the reason you start restricting in the beginning, but by the end, there are hundreds of other reasons you starve yourself that it gets way too complicated to stop.

Not eating is an anesthetic. An addictionIt numbs you. It takes away all your hurt and sadness as well as the happiness and joy. Starving is your way of control. It is the only thing you are good at and it’s the only thing you’ll ever be good at. And you’re not even that great at starving because somewhere here and there you mess up and binge, trying to fill a bottomless hunger. And after binging you realize what you’ve done and try everything to get all those calories out of you. Exercise. Puke. Starve for three days straight living on only gum and water and always feeling like your legs will give out at any second. Take laxatives and diuretics. Do whatever you can to make the dreaded number on the scale not get higher. It’s only allowed to get lower. How low, you ask? Well nothing is ever too low and no matter what weight you get to each day, it will never be enough. You are trying for an unreachable goal of perfection for the number zero. Size zero. Double zero. Zero pounds. Any other number on the scale and you’re just a huge, fat whale.

You’ll never be good enough in life. You’ll never be loved and no one will ever care because you’re just a huge waste of space. You always will be. But at least you’re strong, right? Strong than all the other people in the world who eat food. You don’t need food to live. You do fine without it. But there are some girls that die and they are even stronger than you. Because that’s your final goal. To die from this. Because it means you made it all the way. If you are trying to keep yourself alive you’re obviously not that strong because you’ve been having food to give you just enough energy to live. And if you die, you’d be doing the world a favor. They wouldn’t have to deal with you or look at you anymore. They deserve to have you gone so they don’t have to suffer with a burden like you around.

Oh, and don’t forget about all the rules you need to follow. They are never-ending. No more than 500 calories a day. Don’t eat more than anyone else you’re eating with. No bad foods like sweets or things with too many calories allowed. Be the thinnest person in the room. Your weight can’t go up. Make sure no one knows about your eating disorder. Hide it by being in the kitchen a lot, pretending to be finishing up some food, or say that you ate at school or work or you feel too sick. Lie to everyone you love and everyone who loves you because if any of them knew, they’d hate you. Hide it at whatever cost. With the rules come punishments for breaking one. Eat one whole regular meal and you either have to starve the whole next day or you’ll end up binging on more food. Eat too much or weigh too much and you aren’t allowed to go out with friends that night or do anything fun. Instead, spend the night moping around depressed, reading on pro-anorexia websites, or looking at “thinspiration” pictures.

Just as bad as the rules are all the “side-effects” that come because of the disorder. Freezing cold all the time, hair falling out, weakness, fatigue, loss of your period, maybe not being able to have kids, and feeling like or actually passing out all the time.

And what reward do you get for all this craziness and insanity? Yep, you’re thin. So thin that people can’t even stand to look at you because your body is disgusting. So thin that every bone pokes out of your skin making you look like a living skeleton. But can you even see or appreciate any of it? No. Because you’ll look in the mirror and always ALWAYS see yourself as fat. Your bones might be sticking out and your might appear thin to the world but looking in the mirror you’d still be able to find plenty of places where you need to lose weight. Your body will never be good enough. Just like everything else about you. Nothing will be good enough until you’re dead.

Still now you’re asking, “how could anyone ever do that to themselves?” How? Well, it was all started by one desire to be a little thinner. Just one tiny want to be thin.