I’m young. I’ll admit it, I’m 14. But I’m also mature for my age and that’s why I have been in love (I think) with the same person for going on three years now. Some people get married in three years.
But it’s not like I don’t talk to him. I just don’t seek him out. It’s taken me a lot of tears and happiness and dreams and daydreams and God knows what else to realize that I am a bit different from my peers in that I am have been in love- not just crushing but in love- with the same boy throughout my entire middle school career.
Let me explain. I am walking into 6th grade again. The place I am assigned to sit is in a sunny corner of the classroom. My school is a bit odd so all the 6th grade classrooms have tables instead of desks to give a feeling of family. My table is a round breakfast table.
The boys come in as one loud mass. My collective descriptive of them through the years have been as a pack.
One stands out from the crowd. He isn’t the tallest or the shortest. He’s just the most handsome looking boy I’ve ever seen. Black hair, brilliant blue eyes lined with thick lashes. Ruddy complexion, freckles dashed across the nose. In other words, perfect.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Just a crush, an infatuation. So what, you’re a girl who thinks a boy is hot. But wait, read on.
So the year continues on from that day. I learn his name. Find out more and more about my crush. I talk about him with my closest friends. I dream about him.
In school, the place I excel the most, I quickly become known as an open encyclopedia. He knows of me as someone to talk to if you need help with your homework or whatever.
In other words, I’m a nerd with glasses and (What was I thinking?) short hair. He’s a jock with a class clown reputation but he’s also good at school so everyone, teacher and student alike love him.
Fast-forward a few months and you will find me making a mistake and telling someone I shouldn’t have about my crush. She’s a loud mouth with a hypnotic personality. Next thing I know he knows. Oh, I cried so hard and some much. He was disgusted with me, I know, and I was ashamed. But then the next day I was in school, performing about as well.
And I still was attracted to him.
Over that summer I tried to tell myself I didn’t like him anymore, it was a one year thing…but the first day of 7th grade I looked for him and found he was in my Science, English, and night religion classes. And so I still liked him and vaguely began to realize by my definition I was falling in love.
He’s extremely “popular”- whatever that means. He’s really very immature and that makes me afraid for him. I really don’t want him to bring it too far and take drugs or drink booze or have sex with some random girl. But he might because he has a literally insane older brother whom all the girls were a bit frightened of in 6th grade.
7th grade passed with a few fake crushes or mere attractions to take away from the fact I was still hopelessly in love with that same boy.
But inside my heart I knew-and know- I was still in love with him.
This past summer I didn’t even try to kid myself and say I didn’t still love him. I just let it happen, let the happy daydreams continue.
When 8th grade started I looked for him and found my luck continued. He is currently in my social studies class and my night religion classes.
When he flirts with a girl in my social studies class I don’t get jealous, oddly. (Shouldn’t I be?) Instead I feel happy for him and wonder what will happen.
Am I falling out of love? Or do I love him even more?
All I know is he makes my breath short when I look at him. I love his brood and his stance, the way he thinks he’s all that even though he isn’t, the way he boasts about his football and basketball and lacrosse achievements…the way the color pink looks on him, the last time he wore that I cried. (No kidding, I actually did)
He is so different from me. What makes a person love another when they are on opposite ends of the world? My insides are aching as I write this, reminding myself of the past day. I went to my little sis’s grammar school dance show and saw his mother getting his little brother ready. He was there, looking perfect, as usual, listening to his iPod and talking to one of his friends.
Later that night my mother teased me and asked, “Why was your boyfriend there?”
Instead of laughing I actually felt like crying.
Am I crazy? I don’t like the idea of being some hopelessly entangled in love girl, liking him only for his looks because there’s way more to him. However, not all of it is nice. He is a bit of a bully, the idiot. But I’m fond of it for some reason.
These past three years have been a rollercoaster ride. Am I really in love? Does it exist for a teenager whom everyone says is older in her mind than her numerical age?
I know I have to make a choice at the end of this year. I am going to high school and I’m thinking can’t continue to love someone who isn’t near me yet.
But what should I do? I don’t know if I even am in love- but if it can stand two 3 month summer vacations and quite a long time in my point of view, then maybe it is.
I just wish I was more sensible. I fear he’ll never like me, because how can I compare with the flirts he is so drawn to?
I am confused. I wish someone could help me make the decision but nobody’s like me as far as I know.
I just wish my sorry love story didn’t hurt so badly.