You’re 17 and you want to end everything already. You’re not equipped for what the world has to throw at you. You’ve lost everything. Like your parents; not even to death. They just drop you off at your aunts. You never see your seven siblings, but your only full blooded brother sexually harasses you and forced you to have sex with him. You don’t know who you’re looking at when you’re looking in the mirror. This is me. You try to get pregnant just so that you always have someone that will love you unconditionally until you find someone else that really does. You go to any man that will take you. You get used and you let it happen. You cut yourself in places people can see, but they never do. You cut off all of your hair. You stop eating because you’re too fat. You change your religion just so that you have something to hold on to; something to believe in. When your aunt and uncle don’t care, where do you go? You go to everyone else that does a little. You have figured out how to kill yourself, but instead you wait for someone to save you.
That’s me.
I’m alive, though. No matter how much I don’t want to be. I am never heard, no matter how loud I scream. Matter what I scream. I have looked inside myself to see what I need to do. It’s hard sometimes and I’m often alone. I get so scared because I know how to harm myself well. It gets so easy to ignore the pain. I’ve been through my first hear break, being raped, losing all of my friends, and the constant bleeding all by myself. It never gets easier. My life is hell inside of my house, but I know there is something better waiting for me. There has to be.
I am giving life another chance to prove it is worth living. There has to be something worth living for, but it has not appeared to me yet. Why do I have to be so alone at such a young age? I’ve been this way for five years now. I never know what will happen the next day.
I’ve done everything that I am told is wrong. I was addicted to vicodin. I drank alcohol. I would never go through any of that again.
It’s not worth it. It only made the pain go away for a little bit. Talking does not help, but life is worth living. Even when everything seems like it should have ended forever ago. When you’re at your lowest, there is nowhere to go but up. One day the world will smile back at you.
That is what gets me to today. It will get me to tomorrow.
Life is worth living.
Don’t give up.