There is this girl who sits to the left of me in my class. She has frizzy carrot top hair and smells like B.O. all the time. She is chunky and constantly is eating those little pies. She is also one of the nicest people you will ever meet….unlike me. I am not the most popular person. I am not even all that pretty despite being thin. Unlike that girl though I don’t even have being nice to put in my favor. I would plug my nose when she walked by and complain about her smell. A few weeks ago I told her, “There is this new invention called a shower or hey, Deodorant!” She left class and didn’t come back at all that week. When she came back she smelled even worse so I brought in some cheap discount soap and wrote a note saying, “For my nose and everyone else’s, Please take a shower.” I told myself that she deserved it and that it was okay because she really did smell bad. She left early again. When she came back the next day, she was cleaner but for some reason I felt the need to torture her some more. I got some deodorant and fabric soap to “donate to the “’Smelly”’. People thought it was funny and some thought it was just plain mean, some just didn’t care. She didn’t show up for 2 weeks but I had moved on to other targets. Than the counselor held an assembly saying that girl had attempted to kill herself due to the bullying. She took too many diet pills and drank bleach. She was in the hospital over a week. Her suicide note said, “I hope that God will understand my need to not be on Earth anymore. I can’t go home because of HIM and I can’t go to school because of HER. They all laugh like it was funny. I can’t help that I have no home and no shower. I can’t help that my mom loves him despite what he has done to me. So since I can’t do anything or control anything in my life. I have decided to take charge of my death.”
That night I went home and wrote. My life isn’t bad; I have a great Mom and an awesome step dad. I suppose I could always blame my sadistic nature to my biological father and his abusive ways…but now that I think of it… I hated being out of control, not able to stand up to him or anybody. When he went away I promised that I would never be out of control again. I used to have a HIM too. Instead I inflicted that feeling onto another. I became what I hated more than anything, My Father.
There was this girl who sat to the left of me in my class. She had bright green eyes and cherub cheeks. She had great taste in books and a perfect complexion. She was also one of the most beautiful people you will ever meet…unlike me. I don’t know what happened to her but what I did to her… I won’t let happen to anyone else by anyone (including…especially me)
I told the counselor everything and was expelled from school; I went to counseling for troubled youth and now help mentor victims of bullying. I wasn’t bullied, I was the bully.
I am not saying that I am a good person now because I will have always been "THAT" person to her. That person who ruined her high school experience. That person who pushed her over the edge. The person who never said sorry.
To that girl who sat on my left (M.L.) I am sorry. Three words that don’t mean much considering all you have been through but three words I have never spoken with such sincerity. If you somehow, someway see this than I hope you forgive me. If you don’t than I guess God doesn’t think I have penanced for my sins.
-Forgiven someday (T.L.D)