Scorn for myself , hurt deeply, I can't change so it seems. Life in a way never turns out the way you want it to, but in the end it works out the way you need it too. God knows I believe and then I disbelieve simply because I can't comprehend why a loving father would let his children suffer. Maybe there is a God but not the one people make you to believe, or Him seeing our lives unfold gives us the reward of being in Heaven or Hell, but then grace, what about that?

I struggle so deeply within myself I don't see why I cant just let go and be free of this pain, the way someone gets hurt traumatically and then faints or passes out. No this pain haunts me day in day out I can pretend, I can ignore, I can smile and jump with joy, but lying to myself is so utterly ridiculous for whatever reason and for this reason conflict occurs with every aspect of my life. I wake up knowing this is following me I go to bed the same, thinking just thinking life will never get better. REPULSIVE! That is what I am, to myself and to others. It is freaking unbearable. I have tried and tried to “fix myself” but for some god dam reason I still suffer, god I still suffer; all it takes is a memory of me before “The Great Sadness” and I see the world as mine I see a King not some freaking peasant willing to please everyone or have thoughts of suicide. I am not this person you see before you,I am not what you think but now I have become this pain. And the worst part is I can not love or be loved because of this hate passes me as a rush, envy bitters me , THOUGHTS OVERWHELM ME. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME and yet I cherish the experience I have gained – everyone is wearing a mask, everyone, and the sad thing is they know they are but instead they chose to ignore it and live life into the bitter end. Its these things that make me lose hope in humanity why can't we just be real and cut the crap no one is perfect sure okay but why lie about being.

Crying doesn't help, being mad doesn't help, pretending to be happy doesn't work, in a way dealing with it only hurts more because you are utterly defenseless- no control whatsoever, a humbling experience of course but at what cost? Hope for love is my only salvation... but if I do heal the promise I made to God is my entire life to – just be.