I have never been one to regret anything; I always believed everything happens for a reason. While I believe this happened for a reason, this is without a doubt something I will regret for the rest of my life. I’ve become someone that I never wanted to be.
The thing that scares me the most is that my future seems blurrier than ever now. My dream was to go to Columbia College in Chicago and become an actress. Can I do that now? Did I screw up my future forever? Right now it feels like I have. It feels like my future is ruined and that I failed my parents. I’ve let them down and lost their trust in me… that’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. The sound of their voice when I called them to come get me, the look on their face when they saw me on that curb, and the disappointment I know they have in their hearts. I can’t put into words how much regret and shame I feel. I know that my 13 year old self would look at me now and wonder “what went wrong?” well, I don’t have an answer to that… I wish I did.
It’s probably clear that I’m in a great deal of pain, so much pain in fact that I wanted to kill myself. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but I’ve never been this close to grabbing a bottle of pills or some rope. I’m not saying this for pity; I’m saying this because I need to… I need to get it out there so you understand the sorrow I feel.
The one good thing that will come out of this is that it woke me up from a path I never wanted to go down. At least I can say that I’m going through my senior year more focused than ever. I had to go down this path to see where I actually want to be. This experience as horrifying as it was has changed me for the better. I won’t get caught up in stupid stuff like this again. I will be the person I want to be. I’ll follow my dreams and achieve them. I’ll use this experience as words of caution to those I feel are going down the wrong path. I messed up and I know that but it’s in the past now and I need to make it right (or as right as I can) and move on. I want to become the person a younger me would be proud of and a person my parents can actually be proud of. I don’t want to bring this pain back into my life ever again. I will take my punishment whatever it may be and move on to better things.