Falling in love. It’s called that for a reason. I would know.

I miss him. He’s here, but he’s gone. I feel him next to me, hear his voice, but he’s long gone. It’s over, as much as I don’t want to admit it. I see him at school. I sit next to him in class. But when we step into the hallways, he’s gone. I’m a distraction. To everyone else, all I am is the girl a grade below him who follows him around. I’m ignored, given fake smiles, odd looks. I broke away from my old group of friends, attached to him completely. I threw myself into the relationship he never wanted. Who could blame him for being bored with me? I was a frivolous pawn in his game. I thought I was different. I was wrong.

Friends first, then more. The love I craved from him never lasted more than a few hours. I was another body in his bed, another girl in the back of his car. I thought he would fall for me. I was wrong.

We met one day after school. I had always admired him from afar. I thought I could never have him. A junior, gorgeous, he would never go for me. We talked more. Thanksgiving break consisted of him. Winter break was filled with the blurred images of a video call, his voice filling my head. He became my mornings, my afternoons, my nights. He was my first thought in the morning and the last before I went to bed.

When he first kissed me, sparks filled the air. I had never experienced anything like it. He took my breath away, literally and figuratively. I thought I had found the right guy, finally. I wanted to date him, I wanted it more than he will ever know. But he didn’t want a relationship, especially one with me, apparently. I still wonder what was so wrong with me. Was I not good enough? Was I too embarrassing to be seen with? All these thoughts and more filled my head. I pushed them aside. They didn’t matter because all I wanted was him. Anyway I could have him. So I lied. I told him I wanted whatever he wanted. Indiscriminate hook ups, stolen glances in the halls. That became my life. I thrived on him. He was like a drug. He still is.

My best friend predicted it. She saw it all coming. I ignored her warnings, I saw nothing but goodness in his eyes. I believed in him, trusted him completely. “I have a feeling he’s going to be your first for a lot of things,” she said. My response? “You know, I really wouldn’t have a problem with that.”
She was right. And sometimes I wish she had stopped me. But now I realize that nothing could have. I was blinded by his charm, his wit, his personality. Until now.

That’s a lie. I’m still under his spell. But I’m beginning to see the light. And I am writing this now to remind myself that he isn’t perfect.

He’s going to end things soon. I can tell. My head is telling me to pull away, but my heart is telling me to stay. He cuts our conversations short, cancels our plans. He claims to always be busy, even on Valentine’s Day. Am I worth that little? Am I really worth less than a two word text? Apparently I am.

Falling in love? I couldn’t think of a more accurate phrase.