She told me that it was alright to want her. She told me that it was okay to need her. She told me that the rest of them lied. That there was nothing wrong with the fact that she made me feel whole again. Its funny that I say “whole again” like I’ve ever been whole before. Like I’ve ever felt this way before. If I did, it was the eternal peace that I felt inside my mother’s womb before I was introduced to the “wonders” of this troubled world. She made everything feel right, and the fact that she was a she shouldn’t have mattered, because the she that was a she shined a tiny bit of light on an otherwise dark world. So maybe it was a she that was a she that opened my eyes to the wonderful world that life could be, but that no longer matters to me...Because the she that was she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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But trying to talk to her now was pointless. Yeah, she was mad, but that’s nothing new. Damn, she was always mad. And yes, I understand how my actions led her to believe that I didn’t care. And sure, you’re right, I was never good with expressing my feelings, but I begged her to believe me when I said that imagining life with her hurt so much that the pain was physical. I want to talk to her for hours on end. I want to tell her funny little stories about my past for no good reason other other than the fact that I want to, no, I need to share these moments with her! To give her all of me. For once in my life, it just felt completely right. I didn’t want to let it go. I needed for us to hold on.

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I hated lying to her. Believe me, I did. I wanted nothing more than to grab her and tell her all my dark little secrets. I wanted to believe that she wouldn’t care. That it wouldn’t her if she knew everything. I wanted desperately for someone to know and look past it. I wanted for her to see me, the whole me, the real me…



and...love...every...single...piece...of...it…

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...But did I deserve that love? Did I deserve to have someone want me? Did I deserve to have someone love me.

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She wanted to, I can tell that she did. She wanted to take her whole heart and put it in my hands. She wanted for me to have free rain. But I saw the fear in her eyes. Every time she tried to hand it over, flashbacks of the same moments played like motion pictures. She forced herself to throw it back in that box, and lock it tight. I wanted to grab the key, take it out, and prove to her that she could entrust it to me.She trusted me, but she was afraid, so she only gave me a piece. So I locked it in my safe and taped it to my heart, and swore on my life that I would let no harm come to it.

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She talked to me like I meant something to her. Like she cared about what I thought about the words that came from her mouth. She talked to me like I talked to her. And I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it knows how good it feels. To know someone cares for you the same way that you care for them.


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Making her smile is the most wonderful thing in the world. Seeing her smile and knowing that I put it there fills me with something indescribable.