I get yelled at if I stay in my room, yelled at when I come out, all I hear is how much people hate me wherever I go. if I talk, yelled at, if I dont talk, I still get yelled at. I cant seem to do anything or state my opinion without being wrong. No matter what I do I can't do it right and i've always wondered why.
   Most of my life I had grown up with things I thought were completely normal. little did I know up until a couple years ago they were not. I thought normal kids had what I had when I was younger in the little town of Los Banos.But I knew somewhere inside me...my living conditions and environment were the least normal thing for anyone to have where I live now.Los Banos is a small, dirty town full of cows,the smell of cow cr*p, criminals, gunmen, and sorry excuses for schools. I’d say fourth grade in San Jose is first grade in Los Banos. I had been an extremely impressionable child even though I knew the exact difference from right and wrong.I thought adult always made the correct decision. Then I grew up and opened my blind eyes, that moment I realized I was like nobody here...my complete thought process was different than everyone elses...I guess thats why nobody understands what I’ve been through.
At the age of 5, I understood smoking was common for adults,  but as i said before...I knew I wasn't suppose to do it ever. But I found out sleeping all day everyday wasn't normal. Apparently mom drank a special juice that made her upset and sleepy. She was terribly sick all the time. She was...an alcoholic...there I said it. But it doesn't mean I didn't know what love was because my mom was never awake to show it...My siblings tried to be there as much as they could but I still manage to see hate at every corner.
  Anyways, I am simply grateful for every minute my siblings cooked, cleaned, and stood up for me when mom was throwing and breaking things over pointless anger. It was pure h*ll. I always thought it my fault because everyone always seemed so mad at me.
   Then came my baby brother and everyone loves him. He smiles all the time and his gummy little smile reminds me of toothless from “How to train your dragon”. He has mild down syndrom, but his teachers say he is developing very well. but im also left out of the picture until I go back to dads house....I have anxiety and night terrors because of what i've seen, what i heard, and what i know and figured out over the years.
  when I was in elementary school up until fourth grade, every time my mom tried to pick me up, big men in black suits in a flashy car would give my mom shiny bracelets and take her away while I sat in the office for a few hours. Sad to say that after about four years, I found out she went to prison, that night my dad was angry because I said I wanted to see mom for my birthday and he didnt like that. That night I cried, and got very little sleep. Since then, I just biked to school everyday. After mommy left for awhile, dad would come home but be angry and we would be poor because dad wasnt at work to earn money for us, until mom came home. At night I would walk into my parents bedroom saying it was too loud for me to sleep but then mom would cry and dad would leave again.
  I never had any friends because the moment their parents met mine...the kids weren't allowed to talk to me anymore. but I had moved away soon enough. At about the age of 8 I thought my world was over because I had moved far away. but so many things were different. I moved far away to a place I was confused about...I had no idea at the time whether I liked it or not. The change was not subtle.As I absorbed the community, I didnt like it worth a da*n.Soon enough I decided I hated absolutely everything.I had seen an opportunity to use my time to figure out what I wanted to do.For a little while I sat silent and observant. I ended up adjusting to what everyone wanted out of me. So I tell mom everything when I go to her house, I stay away from dad and I do everything i'm suppose to do. Even though my teachers don't care as long as I do every da*n command i'm told to do perfectly. little do they know as I continued to live like this. Nobody notices I hide something. But yet the signs are so obvious. Lack of interest in daily activities, no eye contact or participation, selective music genre and my rubber band. i use this rubber band because its against the rules to uhhh….never mind that. Everyone can see what it does if they look hard enough, but otherwise no one knows. I guess my point is that at first and still today.  I really just want to ditch it all, but no. No matter how many red marks I get on my wrist, I intend to seek everything out to the end even if its the death of me. Not because I want to, god forbid anyone wants to be stuck in purgatory, known as earth, but because I made it my life goal to not be left at a cliffhanger if you know what i mean.