It is notoriously impossible to look at someone you care about with completely unbiased eyes. When I look at him, all I can see is the good - not his childish nature or his complete lack of an EQ, just the good bits, the good that makes it impossible for me to ever fully recover from the hit and run relationship he left me to pick up pieces from. I do not blame him for not being ready to date I mean I’m sure that I was not as well given that it was just freshman year. Who is really ready for anything of substance in freshman year? No I do not blame him for his lack of experience or trouble dealing with his emotions.

I blame him for now. I blame him for holding my hand and for calling me beautiful. I blame him for never bothering to ask if I am okay when he can tell I’m not. I blame him for calling me names because he thinks we have a “normal” friendship now that hes not my romantic interest. I blame him for calling other girls pretty in front of me and I blame him for his completely uncalled for judgment of my attempts at being happy with someone else. I blame him for not wanting to be with me and for not wanting me to be with anyone else. I blame him for having pretty eyes and for singing and for asking me to sing with him and for finding the worst in me and pulling it out. I blame him for making me see myself from outside of my own subconscious and for his being too good. 

But I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to blame him because every time I look at him it hurts and I don’t want to hurt I’m only 15 I want to feel alive and like every boy can be worth my time but I can’t let them be because all I see is him in every one I look at. And I’m not supposed to feel like this about someone who does not give a cr*p about me but every time I look at him I hurt.

I met a boy who is just what he is supposed to be at this age - attractive and flirty but yet any time he looks at me the wrong way, I feel like I’m cheating on the other boy who only cares to show interest in my life when there's someone new in it consuming his space in my brain and in my heart. I don’t even like the other boy yet still I want to feel like I COULD like I’m able to feel something besides hurt.

Every time I look at him it hurts and every time I look at him, all I can see is the good that I have beguiled myself into believing still exists.