Wake up. Turn off alarm. Walk to bathroom. Brush teeth. Get dressed. Walk past bathroom. Notice toothbrush is unaligned. Reposition toothbrush. Walk out door.

Repeat.

       The structural foundation of our lives is entirely encompassed by repetition. The similarity of our daily lives allows us to adapt and create familiarity. Among this similarity, we reach for perfection. An absolute reliance on structure to get us there. Nothing significant takes place in our lives unless a pattern we've created is broken. At least that is how I've perceived it.

       Five weeks ago, the most important woman in my life, my mother, passed away from cancer. Living a lifestyle routinely aware of the common misconceptions of what the American food industries advocate as "healthy", she embraced the purest form of alternative eating; being a vegetarian for the majority of her life. A constant influx of research on the newest health foods was always an exhibit in our household. In a generation where cancer is the leading cause of death in our nation, my mother’s fixation on nutrition enhanced her chances of a long and healthy life. However, the unexpected happened. Every additional dollar spent on the organic food option, every supplement, every consciously made decision, did not, in fact, save my mother's life. This revealed to me a brutal reality I was entirely unprepared for and a truth that has continued to consume my mind as my daily routines unfold—everything in my life consistently reminds me of the happiness I once treasured with my mother, and nothing can possibly change this.

       One hundred and thirty three days of endured h*ll lead up to my mother’s  passing on October 20th. The elongated, everlasting thoughts of what could happen. Excruciating days filled with sorrow and a heavily transformed reliance on fate to determine the outcome. An undoubtful appreciation for these final days forever encompassed a deep hatred for the zero percent survival rate of this stage four cancer. My mother exceeded the predicted expiration date of her cancer by eleven days, allowing her to witness, one more time, a change of seasons from summer to fall; testifying to the true beauty of the world and its ability to continually renew itself. Consistently, I would wake up in the morning and have to remind myself that my life was no longer the same. That she would not be the one waking me up with a sincere look of happiness on her face, or a look that proved to me she had just spent hours slaving in the kitchen to eloquently create my favorite meals. I would, instead, wake up to her cries of agony. Cries so loud, I would lay next to her and try with every fight in me to take the pain away. With her body fighting a war it couldn't possibly win, it underwent traumatizing transformations that I have routinely reminisced. A recollection so deeply embedded into me that it makes me fear cancer above all else.

       My world began to slow. Encompassing my warm body with my mother’s, we would lay in silence. No words, just presence. The absolute simplicity of affection. I adored her. She was invincible, holding the unconditional source to my happiness. With her enclosed hand against mine, we were suppose to win. With each passing hour, we would look forward to the succeeding one, as if a miracle would take place the longer we pulled through. Beauty began to replace the h*ll. My home transformed into a community. Never alone, my mother embraced life. She treasured the journey and every countless act of kindness by those who loved her. Rejecting the obvious signs of degradation, we persisted on as one family.. We challenged the routine treatments for cancer, as it no longer offered a sanctuary. Foreign territory was all we had. Opportunities needed to be taken. A fate needed to be beaten. Chartering new ideas, innovations, and unheard of techniques, we explored in desperation to find a treatment that could potential elongate her life.

       Up until October 20th, 2014, this word had no particular meaning to me. I knew cancer was bad. I knew it killed. However, there was no way to possibly prepare for the exhausting emotional journey encroaching. To most, October 20th is just another autumn day. A day of cold air. A day closer to the start of the World Series. A day filled with pumpkin spice lattes. To me, this day was a bottomless pit in my stomach. A day of tears, fears, and endless daunting thoughts. A feeling of emotional numbness. October 20th was difficult, however, every day after that was even harder.

    My mother’s last breath was at 9:51am. A time where the radiance of the sun was engulfed in the sky. A time where every purpose in my life was lost, and all my happiness in life disappeared as fast as her final breath. Even the deepest physical pain I had ever endured could not compare to the emotional pain being felt.  As i looked upon my mother's face, a feeling of serenity overwhelmed me. A smile was on her face. The same smile i had seen for seventeen years, except this one captivated me. It was in that smile that every beautiful memory we shared was revealed. The appearance of something so surreal, while my life had shattered to pieces, brought me the reassurance that i would survive this cruel, yet beautiful world. This single smile proved to me that something so routinely seen now holds a scar in my mind of all the imperfections of this world. That it was amidst my mother’s final breath in this world that my personal memorial of her had been established. Every smile in this world will remind me of my mother. Everything beautiful in this world she will be apart of.

       I have realized that we, as humans, strive for perfection. We create simulations of an ideal world where there is no pain, and where we can perfect our daily routines. However, it is through the pain of this world that we master perfection. Following a monotonous routine, correcting each imperfection, will not bring happiness. With each battle in life, we learn to adapt to the circumstances and change our perspective on life. We acknowledge that happiness is not given, it must be attained.