i'm completely numb. it's early december, 27 degrees, and all i'm wearing is ripped jeans and a thin shirt along with a leather jacket. nic’s with me. she’s one of my favorite people on this earth. we met on twitter over a year ago. i shouldn't look up to her, but i do. she’s hot. she really is. i'm proud to be her friend.
that’s not something i could say about anyone here. everyone seems so childish, so immature. if i would happen to call one of the girls here hot or compliment their looks in any way, i would be called gay. what happened to compliments? are we not allowed to use them anymore because our sexualties may be mistaken?
the vamps are blasting, but i can barely hear them. my thoughts are too loud, or even too quiet at this point. was that just the best moment of my life? yeah, it was. it had to be. everyone was so nice. i could feel the music inside of me. remember all of the times you listened to that song while crying alone in your room? it's okay now. he cried with you this time. half of the people in that small venue did.
the car smells of cigarettes. is it because of nic and i, or her dad? who knows, it’s probably both. now don't be mistaken, we didn't smoke. no matter how tempting it seems or how much i would honestly like to try it, we didn’t. why would a fourteen year old girl have all of these urges to smoke? peer pressure? no, i'm not one to do what other people want me to do. i believe wrecking my body has something to do with it. it seems so tragic, but i'm just living in a world of things i over romanticize. also, i love to feel. i love knowing i'm still alive. but for now breathing in the frigid air would have to do.
every second i'm getting further away from him. no, please turn around. i'm not ready to leave yet. matty’s back there. i can't leave him. i don't think i'm allowed to say i'm in love with him. am i? no, he’s just a silly boy. and i'm a silly girl.

this is payte all over again. man, i love him so much. for that situation, i believe i was allowed to be in love with him. were we ever official? of course not. i was a thirteen year old girl and he was a fifteen year old boy. i feel so silly saying this, but that friendship was 80% me and 20% him.
we met a long time ago. the summer of 2014, when everything started. we shared an instant bond that i didn't necessarily understand at first. after talking for a long time and becoming friends, i began falling farther. don't forget, he’s one of those internet boys, so of course people are gonna start hating me.
our friends-but-more-than-friends-to-me-but-not-dating thing lasted a while. it was nice. it was low key. i enjoyed it. what i didn't enjoy was all of the issues i was having. you could say i was emotional, but in reality i turned into a total crybaby. i was ballistic.
another terrible part of this friendship was that i always wanted more from him. i wrote to him all the time. for some reason i could never actually send my letters, so i decided to turn them into a book that i would later give him in june of 2015. he loved it. i was happy that he loved it.
but what i didn't realize was that payte was the same way, as well as a bunch of my other friends. whether they were in texas, where payte lives, new york, where nic lives, new jersey, vision, east of the state, michelle, or even here on the east side of pennsylvania, they were also like this.
i always say i have a s***ty life, and to some people, it may be true, to others, they may laugh in my face. but i was just so upset, scared, confused, and hurt. my so called “friends” here didn't necessarily fancy me anymore. payte was so far away. michelle was so far away. no one understood what was happening to me because i didn't even understand it myself.
by the time things ended with payte, around august of 2015, i thought i was doing much better. ended isn't necessarily the best word to use there, but it's the best i can do. we were never more than friends, and we’re still friends now. don't think i still don't love him though. of course i do. he’s still one of my favorite people ever. i just think i've finally realized how he felt about me, and now those immense feelings are gone. just friends now. good friends.
little did i know that, after i was okay again, i'd lose a friend of seven years over a dumb boy at school soon, or that i'd do something i'd regret for the rest of my life in a few months, or even whatever happened to me over the last year wouldn't come back, but a worse, more painful sadness would come.
so i saw payte the next month. on my birthday to be exact. and i also met his new girlfriend. you'd think i'd hate her, and try my very best to end things between them, but that wasn't the case. i fell in love with her. payte needs her just as i needed him. she’s perfect. beautiful, loving, caring, sweet, and kind. we had a good talk about him. just us two. she seemed to fancy me more than payte did that weekend, and for some reason, it made me unbelievably happy.
as for payte and i, we also talked a lot. but i liked the moments where all you could hear was the soft sounds of mattys voice playing off of my phone. i liked watching him sing along to his meaningful words. i liked the smile and small laugh he would give me when he caught my intense stares. i liked seeing other people adore him just as i did. i liked watching him sing with such emotion. i liked his sincere hugs. i liked looking beside me and seeing his happy face as we walked through the halls of the giant hotel. i liked the small pizza party i shared with him, his girlfriend, and my friends. i liked that we could still be this close even after all we’d been through. i liked that we cried together for what might have been our last time we’ll ever be with each other ever again.
i guess i have a thing for the sad eyes, bad guy kind of look. i love pure people. i love the rawness of reality. i love when boys can actually care. no one else seems to feel that way here. and maybe that's just another part of being more mature than the people my age, or it's just something people simply don't find attractive. but oh god do i love matty.
it would be easier for me to tell you what's not wrong with him. he’s so broken, messed up. he puts all of his emotion into his music, which in my opinion is the greatest kind of music you could ever hear. he doesn't like filters. he doesn't like sugarcoating. i believe that's why he’s such a muse to me. there's nothing i hate more than people who lie to make things seem better.
it's hard loving someone that's so untouchable. so far away. you feel like you have no control over your life and that your body is just empty. this is what’s happened to me again. school happend to me. my parents happened to me. everything got to my head.
by january i began to believe i lost payte. michelle and i seemed to be drifting apart. i lost a long time friend. i lost a couple of other ones along with that. my one friend that i've known since before preschool isn't allowed to be caught talking to me, or that long time friend will leave her.
it sounds like an abusive relationship if you ask me. friendships are just like relationships. you share your soul with someone. you get involved with someone that you talk to everyday and know so much about. but all of that can be taken away from you so easily.
i believe preschool friend is lovesick in this friendship. she doesn't understand that long term is manipulating her. she doesn't realize what’s happening. what “good friend” could do that to someone? how could she forbid preschool from being friends with me? you wanna know what happened? all i did was ask long terms crush if he liked her. that's it. how immature is that? it pisses me off just thinking about it. to end a seven year friendship just like that? and believe me, i'm acutely aware that preschool is happy now. that's what hurts the most.
so i felt completely alone. how cliche does that sound? my parents were so mad at me. payte was gone. michelle was gone. i didn't have a solid friend here. so i did what i promised, payte, michelle, preschool friend, vision, and a bunch of other people, i'd never do. it wasn't too serious, but i shouldn't have done it. the only good thing out of it was that i started writing again. i started doing more than just a few thoughts here and there. i started doing what i wanted to do.

but here we are, in this smoke filled car, driving away from my pure happiness. i wanted to yell and scream at nic’s dad, telling him to go back. i didn't want to leave matty. i didn't want to let go, just like i did with payte and long term. i didn't want the nostalgia to come back. i just wanted to be happy in the moment for the rest of my life.
i didn't speak for the whole ride. once we got in the car, i was gone. i had to process everything. a small smile creeped across my face when we passed the stadium at which one of my favorite concerts was held. philly’s one of your favorite cities. i mentally noted as i watched it disappear in the distance just like everything else from tonight. 

i felt high that night. it felt like nothing was wrong in the world. i forgot about all of the s*** that was going on in my life. i forgot about payte. i forgot about all of my friends except for nic. i forgot about my parents. school. my neuroticism. my soon to come nostalgia. everything was okay.
it was a happy time in my life. there are no happy endings, just happy moments, and that was one of them.

as for after that night, the holidays weren’t too good. i spent new years alone at home watching true romance. and january was an ugly mess. but i don't think michelle and i are drifting anymore. i’ll always feel like a narcissistic asshole in our friendship, but she still puts up with me. as for payte, he’s still here. he still cares. as far as i know. and finally, matty. i have tickets to see him and his band in may. as of now my parents aren't on board with driving me to columbus, but i refuse to give up. seeing matty makes me unbelievably happy, and i need to live for those happy moments.