It was Homecoming September 30th, 2016, Keven and Haley were just announced King and Queen of all Sedan. Everyone was celebrating in their engagement and inevitable marriage. The football team was fumbling the ball for negative eight yards when suddenly a swarm of people came running down the hill exclaiming, “It's here, it's here!” Following all the commotion, I enquired, “What’s here?” One of the swarmers replied, “You haven't heard? The new Wal-mart is here! You’d better hurry it's about to open!” Everyone in the stadium thought this was super neato, so we joined the swarm on our their way to Wal-mart for the big unveiling.

About 30 minutes later we arrived to the site of the new Walmart. The Mayor of Sedan then stepped on the podium, “I'm enthralled to announce  this giant leap in Sedan history“ he said. “We will grow from a town of 1,200 people, to now a town of 1,200 people with a Walmart. Now give a warm welcome to your new branch manager Dad Blankenship!”, the crowd gave him a silent applause. Dad announced that the Walmart would bring great things to Sedan and then he cut the ribbon. “Now shop everyone. Shop!” Dad said. Everyone sprinted inside the Wal-Mart, My friends and I went straight to the electronics. Keven stop abruptly and sees a bundle that was “3 iphone 4’s for $30.” Keven said he’s gotta buy this. I told him it was stupid because who needs 3 iphone 4’s. He replied “Because I can now text three times as many people than as I could before.” Keven bought them and I told him he was stupid again, then we left. But everyone else stayed and shopped all night, never leaving just buying things at reasonable prices.

So the next day Drew and I walked down main street to get some Duct Tape from Ackermans. As soon as we got there the sign on the door said “Going out of Business.” We took a look down main street and it appeared like another Dust Bowl had just blown through town. Stores were closed, no one was in sight, and bags of gravel in trucks everywhere. Drew and I looked at each other and observantly nodded, knowing  Sedan looked like that everyday. But also knowing something huge was obviously going on with Walmart in Sedan I assemble the greatest minds on my contacts list: Jaden Uhls, spiritless bearded man and Green Door chef. Hagen Killman, protein enthusiast and super star bag boy of Floyd's. And finally Al Roker the Raven Symone of weather forecasting.  We gathered in the back of Floyd's Supermarket to prevent the Walmart from hearing us. Floyds Recently intercepted a transmission that Wal-Mart was going to do something drastic to become the only store in Sedan. Hagen started the meeting with the idea of building a K-Mart, but lacking the knowledge that no one shops at K-Mart I shot him down. Jaden came up with the idea of allying with Dollar General even though it was burnt to a crisp. Al Roker butted in on the conversation and said we should put up sandbags to defend Hurricane Mathew. But me being the brains came up with building a wall to keep the legals out.

Meanwhile 160 miles away in Bentonville, Arkansas Lee Scott the CEO of Wal-Mart was at the loading bay guiding and directing employees into Wal-Mart Semi-Trucks. He handed them a pack of smiley face stickers, price scanners, and an M16 Assault rifle with no attachments. The trucks contained 300 up to 1 billion employees in them. All of them angry, old, and ready to defend the Walmart. Lee flashed a green light and the trucks were off to battle.

The next day the wall had been constructed exactly the way Al Roker wanted it. With sandbags and radars the way Donald Trump would want it. Suddenly King Keven came trotting on a stallion with white hair and rainbow stickers and said “the Walmart is coming, the Walmart is coming.” The people of Sedan lined up on top of the poorly constructed sandbag wall and prepared for battle. It was silent, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Then behind the hill came a thunderous noise, it was the Wal-Mart Trucks endless rows of them. The sirens began to roar for the impending attack. And then the trucks parked and the bay doors opened. 300 to 1 billion old Wal-Mart employees flooded but mostly crutched out of the trailers. Keven screamed ‘Charge”. He and his trusty stead hurled out of the trench and were instantly killed by the gunfire. King Keven was dead. Queen Haley became sad and fell in a wheelchair having crippling depression for the rest of her life. But the battle raged on; Wal-Mart's troops advanced to the parking lot, but only 300 troops actually crutched there because the other 999,999,700 died of old age.

The remaining Wal-Mart troops advanced to the base of the poorly built wall. Al Roker was  broadcasting the battle live when out of the blue came Hurricane Matthew. The Cane began to rain fire, bullets, and a pair of pliers. Everyone raced off the tower a the things listed hurled towards the wall. And with a direct hit the wall came down killing 300 to 1 trillion people on impact. There was sand and water everywhere which looked like a 50th state so I called them the Hawaiian Islands. We all swam to the islands and started a luau, for the battle was won.

FIN