For as long as I can remember, it’s always been me and my mom; just the two of us against the world. My father left before I was born, and my ex stepfather raised me, but he ended up leaving too. So its always been my mother, she’s always been the constant parent present in my life. My mother has gone above and beyond for me, giving me everything I needed and more, and I’m eternally grateful, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I had my father in it, either one of them.

It tears me up inside every time I hear one of my friends talk about how close they are with their dad, or every time I see a “dad appreciation post” on Instagram, or every time I see the countless Father’s Day commercials being aired on TV. I know I shouldn’t let all that get to me, and I try to not let it, but sometimes I’ll see something or remember something and I’ll feel a flash of hurt and sadness running through my chest. Not knowing my father hurts me more than it should, considering some people know their fathers and have it worse than me.

I feel worthless, if my own father couldn’t love me and stick around, why should anyone else? But why do I dwell on a nonexistent relationship with the man who left the minute he found out about my mom’s pregnancy? Because in the sixteen years I’ve been alive he hasn’t once reached out to me and we live 15 minutes across town from each other. Because my birth certificate is blank where it’s supposed to have my father’s name and I grew up with my mother’s maiden name since my father wanted nothing to do with me. Because after watching The Parent Trap for the first time, I hoped that would happen to me.

I’ve tried to let it go. I’ve tried to just accept the fact and move on. But I just can’t. I can’t accept the fact that my father left me and wants nothing to do with me. As I’ve gotten older, its seemed to get worse. The longing for a father has lead me to create scenarios inside my head of my perfect life knowing my father that cause me physical pain in my chest when reality comes back into play and I know I can never have what I want with my father. It has also led me into getting into toxic relationships early on, with a lacking knowledge of how a relationship should work.

So not having or knowing my father has hurt me more than just knowing the fact that he abandoned me. It’s hurt me psychologically and emotionally by keeping me from forming an all so very important father-daughter relationship that contains fundamental aspects for maintaining relationships outside of the family; besides hurting me by causing me to think that I’m not good enough for him or for anyone. Its caused me to be frigid and portray a lack of identity. Its caused me to worry and stress about being a good parent in the future. But not knowing my father has also caused me to learn that I am okay without him and that a girl can survive without being a daddy’s girl.