The first time a man called me beautiful, was when my father first met me. He held me tight in his arms and said he would never let go. That soon changed. He left with no explanation and I moved on to a better life. I grew up without that protective feeling, the perception that nothing terrible could ever happen to me. That absence didn’t prepare me for the first time a stranger would label me as beautiful.

During the sixth grade, we went on a field trip to the history museum. While walking around, another person called me pretty. Other schools were there, which wasn’t unusual for a place like this. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Until that day, I never knew what it felt like to be objectified. My own human body was turned into a toy. Where I am supposed to feel my safest, I felt vulnerable. I felt like a painting in an art show, exposed, and ready to be examined by dozens of eyes. His words still haunt me to this day, “Wow, where did you come from? You are so beautiful! How about you come with me so we can have some fun.” Four, that’s how many years separated us. He was sixteen, while I was only almost a teenager. I never thought someone could say something to me so materializing, that it would make me change my point of view on a natural part of life, love.

When we got back to the school, he started to snapchat me. I was a naive twelve-year-old girl who couldn’t comprehend that some people want more than just a good conversation. He repeatedly told me that I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, and I believed him. His words made me feel happy. The clothes that I wore each day depended on what he said looked good on me. He made my decisions for me. I was clueless to the fact that he was playing me. All he desired was my body and nothing else.

The summer after the sixth grade was the worst. He started to get angry when I wouldn’t talk to him, and when I wouldn’t do the things he wanted. I began to realize that he didn’t like me. Every night I would go to bed with a “Goodnight, I love you.” It always made me smile, even though I knew I wasn’t genuinely happy. I was trapped, like the fish in aquariums. I yearned for his compliments to make me feel worth it. My thoughts were controlled by him and his words. My brain was fixed on the idea of needing someone to love me.

Seventh grade began and I started to ignore him. I wouldn’t answer him and I wouldn’t listen to him when he spoke to me. My friends convinced me to block him and I will never be able to thank them enough. They saved me from planning my life around this one person. They saved me from wasting my life on someone who would not think twice about mine. Brooke and Nora were the only ones who really wished the best for me. He surely didn’t want anything for me.

Although he wasn’t in my life anymore, his words still controlled it. The need for someone else to find me beautiful was a constant pain. I lived off of others finding me pretty. It wasn’t enough that my family members said it, I needed someone else to confirm it. Someone had to constantly tell me I was enough, or I felt worthless. The neverending feeling that I wouldn't ever find someone who liked me as much as him. When boys were around I would try to impress them so they could fill the vacancy in my mind. Someone had to fill the hollow space that consumed me because I desired for someone to like me.

As eighth grade started I began to change. I was learning more about myself every day, and coming to accept that I can’t always be perfect. My best friends continued to support me as I hit rough patches throughout that year. I was hurting myself in ways that I can’t begin to explain. The scars show on different places of my body when I had failed and thought everyone else had failed me.  I felt that I didn’t deserve these friends, but I was shortly pointed out that I did. They encouraged and supported me in all that I did. During that year I also was getting closer to the root of the problem. I continued to struggle with accepting myself and learning that I didn’t need someone.

The first year of my high school career began and I was loving it. My best friends were in almost all of my classes, which reassured me. I was growing closer to myself and talking with coaches and counselors. The problem didn’t dawn on me until I was watching my mom one day. She was tackling all these different issues without a man by her side. That day, I realized that I lost her. I lost the girl that thought she needed someone else to love her for her to love herself. That very day, I learned that I don’t need confirmation about my worth. I discovered that I define my own worth, not someone else. I realized that I don’t need another person to tell me I am beautiful for me to believe it. I just needed one thing. I needed to tell myself those things. I accomplished that day the one thing that matters most in this world. I achieved self-love. I learned to love myself, without someone else clarifying it for me. I learned one opinion matters more than anything else, and that is my own. I just had to say it to myself, and believe it.

I finally decided that I needed to change. It has taken three years to realize it, but it doesn’t matter where it starts, it matters where it ends. It matters where someone would continue to grow. I made the decision to stop and look at myself for a while. Stopping to look brought to my attention that I have never been happier. Brooke, Nora, Emilee, Gracie, and Haley are amazing supporters. They’re always guiding and listening to me. They look through my flaws and accept them. That is what real love looks like. I began talking to an unexpected source who made me realize how a female should be treated. He taught me that if they truly liked her, they would appreciate her for who she is, and not just her body. He listened when I opened up, and never judged me. Self-love is the most important thing to any woman or man. If someone is not able to love themselves, then no one will be able to love them.

My father was the first man to ever call me beautiful, and it meant the world to me. He soon left me behind, and when he departed me, I realized something of significance. Some people are better off living life without. Learning to accept and love myself for who I am, was the greatest thing I could have ever done for myself. Everyone needs self-love to carry them throughout their lives, without it, they will live with the constant need to find happiness in someone else. “She remembered who she was and the game changed” is a quote by Lalah Deliah. I won’t promise to anyone that it will be an easy journey to learn to accept themselves. I will promise to them that it will happen at some point, they just have to wait for the right time. I am happy with myself now, but I’m not going to guarantee that there won’t be hard days, where it seems impossible to find happiness again. It may not always be smooth sailing, but it is a start to a lifelong journey of happiness.