I sat today with my family as they bashed people of LGBTQ+. Homophobic and transphobic comments. As my sister remarks that they're are to many variations and they're adding on too many letters. As they made jokes about  Pedophilia and bestiality like it was funny. When I tried to correct them or stop them I'm outed. My mom ask me if I'm the representative of LGBTQ+. (Of course she didn't say the letters. Just the gays)

I sat there holding my tongue. I wanted to cry out and say well I am bi and I am genderqueer and yes it does hurt me. I stay silent though and as the conversation ends I want to cry.

I don't though. I sit there. I listen. I hate it. I learned to live with it. To deal with it. To bite my tongue when I want to shout. I'm scared.

I'm scared of rejection. Not from my siblings they know. My parents oh they don't know and they're horrible. I don't want to be pushed away for something I can't control.

Now why name this numbers. I name this numbers because days like this make me look up one number. Suicide hotline. As I debate whether to call or not. I decide against it all the time figuring I'd be wasting their time.

It makes me feel even more alone then I already do and it hurts to know. That one day. I will have remembered that number.