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November Oven Berm
Author's note: after discovering the word november sounded like Oven Berm, I thought, "HEY! OVEN BERM! SOUNDS LIKE OVEN BURN! AND YOU WOULD GET THAT ON THANKSGIVING FROM THE OVEN!!" and it's a bit crazy, but I went for it. I turned it into something that's funny to grab the reader's attention, but also show them that you can be young and brave; rebellion is a good thing, going with the flow is not healthy. If you are passionate about something, stand up for it.
"Grandpa?"
"Yes Suzie?"
"Will you tell me a story?"
"Sure. I'll tell you the story of how November got it's name. It's a folktale."
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
**All dialogue spoken by turkeys or written by turkeys, is translated from Turkish Turkey into English.**
"Okay so you all know the drill?"
"Of course. Gosh mom, you need to chill out, it's all going to be fine. So about this drill...what is it?"
"Bart! You need to stay focused! Why can't you be more like your father." Mother points to father as he naps. "Anyways, when the new baby comes, he will be the sacrifice. They usually go for the new younger ones anyways."
"Mom, don't mind me asking, but what are you talking about? What baby? What sacrifice?" Bert’s feathers were flying off as he flagged his wangs in confusion and impatience.
"Bart! We've discussed this! The new baby. You know, Berm? I'm pregnant Bart! The baby's name is going to be Berm. He will be the sacrifice to the people." Mother walked over to the dresser and started trying on coats she made from hay.
"Sacrifice for what?" Bart was a little angry now from what little he knew.
"Oh Gosh Bart, you are as slow as a snail. Thanksgiving! Right now, it's October, next month will be Khapiles-" Mother shook her head at the hay coat she was trying on.
"Did you know that Khapiles used to be the name for October a very long time ago?” Bart stood proud at the fact he knew this useless information.
"Bart! Stay focused. So in Khapiles, it will be Thanksgiving. The humans will eat the youngest turkey. Luckily last year it wasn't you because we hid you. When Berm is born, we will give him up. He will be cooked. And eaten. Possibly with cranberry sauce." Bart was shocked at this sign of Mother and her current tranquility over the soon to be mortality of her newborn.
"You are just going to give Berm up? You can't just hide him like you did me?" Bart was now red as blood.
"Look Bart, what you don't know is that you had a sister. She was one year older than you. Well we tried to hide you both last year, but the humans came and found her. Hiding is hard in such an open coop. My point is Bart, if Berm doesn't go, you will- oh my. It’s cracking..."
"What's wrong Mother?" Bart said.
"Wake up your father. Why are you still standing here? Go wake him up!" Shouted Mother.
"But why mother? He's mid-nap and you know how mad he gets when he is disturbed mid-nap,” nagged Bart.
"Because Berm is cracking out of the egg!" Screamed Mother, and Father quickly woke up in a snap from the words: cracking out. Father ran around, clucking like a maniac and was trying some sort of breathing exercise to calm down his nerves which wasn't working because after two minutes, he was clucking even louder. His gizzard was wobbling so fast it looked like a red blurry beard on Father.
"Honey! Calm down! The baby is born." And in her wings, was a baby turkey.
"I cannot believe I didn't see the son's birth! What a terrible father I am!"
Father started pacing around and around again.
"No dad, that doesn't make you a terrible father. What makes you such a rancor father is the fact you are going to give up Berm to be eaten." And then Bart ran off in frustration, breaking through the fence.
He sprinted through the fence and the last thing he heard was "Get the sauce ready, I found us a turkey..."
It was a human. The word jumbled around in Bart's head as he continued sprinting. Bart didn't know human english, but Mother understood some parts. There was a few words she understood such as "turkey, get, found, I, sauce." She partly understood the word "ready," but not entirely. She thought it meant "now." She was partly correct in a way. Anyways she had used those words so many times in front of Bart, he now understood that humans found a turkey. To eat. Which turkey was it? Bart never looked at where the humans were looking. They could have been talking about him. They could have been talking about Berm. Bart's innocent little brother or sister. Berm was going to die in three weeks. I have to go back and save Berm.
"Oh Bart! We were worried sick about you! Don't run off like that again! We're lucky the humans didn't shoot you for messing with their fancy fence. Now, eat some food,” said Mother as she tried to spread serenity through the air.
"Where's Berm?" asked Bart in a placid tone for his parents.
"Bart, eat some food, drink some water, relax a little, and then we'll finish this
conversation. I don't want to talk to you if you have a tude." Mother slurped up some water and then took a seat in a shady part of the coop. "Anyways, if I understood correctly, I think they will fix the fence next week. So you Bart, are not allowed within three feet of the hole or else you are in big trouble until it is fixed. Do you understand me Bart?"
Bart nodded along although his wings were crossed.
"Tell me where Berm is. Now." Bart's timbre was filled with rage.
"Now young turkey, I am not fond of that tone. We demand some respect or you will be sacrificed next year!" threatened Father.
"Now where is Berm?" Bart’s bellowing caused chaos in the coop.
"Fine. If you really want to know, I will tell you. But you need to calm yourself afterwards. The humans took him. They are inspecting him. They will give him back then take him again in three weeks to cook and eat. He will be at a reasonable size then to be eaten, we turkeys grow fast." Mother's eyes were now closed. After about three minutes, a human returned with Berm and put him into the coop.
"Hey Josey?" called the male human, and then a female human who appeared to be 22 came outside.
"Yeah Ken?" she asked as she ate a green bean, and Bart’s pupils dilated and his jaw dropped at this apparent beauty. He stared at her as she spoke and clucked softly and slowly as he looked at her green overalls.
"What do you think about this turkey?" Ken asked.
"It's a turkey? Why do you keep them in a chicken coop?" asked Josey baffled.
"It's not a chicken coop Josey. You are new here, so obviously you can't see it's a turkey coop. Kapeesh." Said Ken before she could interrupt.
"Anyways, the turkey is cute." Josey smiled at Berm, and Bart continued to stare at her as if he understood what she said perfectly.
"Okay, but how delicious does it look to you?" Said Ken.
"Don't eat it Ken! It's so adorable! They all are! You should become a
vegetarian like me. Animals are awesome. Let them be free." Josey lectured.
"You are insane. Anyways, when Khapiles 23rd comes, we will feast on this
turkey." Said Ken.
"Did you know October used to be called Khapiles? I don’t know the deats.” Josey said while twirling her hair and blatantly chomping on gum.
"Um okay Josaline." Said Ken as he brushed grass off of the turkeys with a mellow “Does it look like I care?” under his breath.
"I hate it when you call me that." whined Josey. “Your name is Kennith, but do you like it?" asked Josey with a hand on her hip and eyebrows raised.
"Yes!" stated Ken.
"Whatevs." said Josey as she pulled out her phone and took a duck faced selfie. “Haha, it’s funny because chickens are like ducks!”
"Turkeys!" screamed Kennith raged that she failed to differentiate a gizzarded bird from a non-gizzarded bird.
"Later!" Josey took off and Ken put Berm back into the coop.
Bart ran towards Berm. "Hi Berm!" Berm clucked gibberish. Right. He's a baby. He doesn't speak Turkish Turkey yet. Maybe I can just take him and run away with him in my arms! Oh darn, but I cannot do it now. My parents are staring at me. I will just take Berm when it's dark and every turkey is asleep. But where will I go? And can I really take care of a baby? Well odds are my care will be less hazardous than being cooked in an oven. Okay, it's settled. I'll keep him for three weeks until Thanksgiving and then bring him back. Just to be on the safe side, I'll wait for Khapiles to be over. Yeah. I'm an awesome planner. Stay focused Bart. Okay Bart.
"Bart? Is Berm back?" asked Mother.
"Um no. He's not. They cooked him." said Bart nervously as he hid Berm behind his wing.
"What's wrong with your wing?" asked Father.
"Nothing. Just some good old fashioned wing stretches." Bart clucked quietly.
"We can't understand you. Cluck louder." said Mother, slowly approaching Bart.
"I said, wing stretches." Bart whispered.
"Put your wing down honey, you will get a cramp." chastised Father.
"No." Said Bart.
"Excuse me?" asked Mother with a “I heard you, but I want you to say something else instead” face.
Bart starts shaking like a massage chair.
"Bart, are you alright? You look like you are having a spaz attack." asked
Mother.
"Fine. I'm fine. Let's go to sleep. Lullaby, say goodnight-" Bart sung.
"Bart, it's not even nighttime. Now put down your wing. Now." Father was
using his, DON'T MAKE ME SPANK YOU voice. Bart shuddered at the thought of another spanking. Bart pulled his wing down to reveal- nothing.
"What?!" Bart panicked and moved around so much, eleven of his feathers
came flying off and into the haystack.
"Bart! What are you doing? What has gotten into you?" shouted father
"Where- where did?" Bart stuttered nervously.
"What are you talking about Bart?" asked Mother, wearing a puzzled face.
"Be-berm. Where's Berm?" stuttered Bart.
"You are the one who said they cooked him. Which doesn't make much sense
because he is so tiny still." nagged Mother.
"I lied! They brought him back! I was hiding him behind my wing!" cried Bart.
"Why did you lie?' asked Father.
"I was going to sneak him away in the night and return after Khapiles! But now he's gone!" Bart spilled the beans- and kicked over a bowl of actual beans.
"You were going to run away again? What is the matter with you! We will be watching you like a hawk now! Father and I will be taking turns sleeping, to make sure we keep a good eye on you! And we will also have the other adult turkeys watching you. This is ridiculous. And if you break one more fence, you will be in serious trouble!" chastised Mother.
Then Ken and Josey arrived again near the coop.
"You see Kennith! I told you, that these chickens have been barking like cray-
cray!" said Josey while filing her nails. And of course, Bart stared at her with eyes so wide it looked like they were gonna pop out of his little turkey head.
"It's mostly this female adult and this child male one." Said Ken shaking his head.
"Um, one of your chickens is staring at me." Said Josey, staring right back at
Bart.
"The child male. We will probably cook it as well. Wait, wheres the small one, we're gonna cook for Thanksgiving?" said Ken looking around the coop.
"Josaline, do you know?" asked Kennith.
"No Kennith!" Said Josey defensively. But it was a lie. She had swooped in while Bart and Mother were arguing and picked him up and hid him. Ken walked away and back into the house. Josey looked around and then picked up Bart as well and headed into the back of the house.
"Okay chickens, I don't want you to die." Josey spoke to Bart and Berm. "As a
vegetarian, it's like my oath and duty to make sure you guys aren't eaten and stuff. So here's the plan, tonight, when Kennith is sleeping, I will set you peacocks free. Here's a list of San Francisco's hot spots." Josey put a piece of paper next to Berm, but Berm just eats it. "Ugh."
She's so majestic. I don't know what she's blabbering about. Her eyes are big and blue and her hair is as red as a violet Bart thought.
"Okay, well Kennith just turned off his bedroom lights, so I guess he's sleeping. Be free weird bearded chickens!" Then Josey threw them into the air and Bart ran as far away as he could carrying Berm. After hours of running, Bart was 5 miles away from his home. He had no clue where he was, but he knew one thing: he had thirty days to survive on his own before he could come back home- one day after Thanksgiving.
DAY 1
Hello. My name is Bart. I'm keeping this journal so I can look back one day and remember what I did on these thirty days. I ran away from home, so my baby brother wouldn't eaten. We are lost in San Fran. Humans keep shooing us away. Someone even kicked us! Berm said his first word: Bart.
DAY 2
We found a source of food! It's a trash bin outside of a really fancy restaurant. Today, I ate like a king! I had a slice of pumpkin pie, two cinnamon sticks, and some fancy bread. Me and Berm shared some weird orange bubbly drink. All we need to do now is look for a place to sleep for the next 28 days. Last night, we slept on the sidewalk, but people kept kicking us to the side. How rude! Little Berm got seven bruises- or maybe it was two...I'm no good at math...or is it Spanish?
DAY 3
Berm is starting to speak a little more Turkey Turkish everyday. Anyway, we found a place to sleep! It's this giant dump near an alley. There is all sorts of cool stuff in the dump like blankets and baby clothing. I gave Berm a little hat to keep his head warm. And our new home is great! There's an apartment up above that puts bird food out on the windowsill and when the bluebirds knock the tray over, granola comes raining down.
DAY 4
A little male human came by and started petting me and Berm. It was a nice change from all the kicking.
DAY 5
The same little boy came by with a loaf of bread, a bag of nuts, an open gallon of water, and some grapes. It was nice of him
DAY 6
I got ran over today by a truck! Luckily I am so short, so I survived. I'm glad I'm still alive. It’s good. If I was dead, Berm would just die on his own.
DAY 7
The boy came back again and gave us food again. This time he gave us chicken. Did he really expect us to eat chicken? Chickens are like turkey family. Could you ever eat your cousin? Berm had a bite of chicken, but then I knocked it into the river.
"I miss Bart and Berm so so much! Why did that lady take them away from us?" Mother cried to Father.
Ken and Josey walked up to the chicken coop. "Where in tarnation are those turkeys?" screamed Kennith.
"Isn't tarnation the green stuff on a penny?" asked Josey.
Ken sighed, "Oh Josey, what would I do without you."
"I know right, IKR!" Josey smiled.
"Anyway, you wouldn't happen to know where they are, would you?" Ken raised a brow.
"I told you I don’t!" screamed Josey.
"Because you were blabbing last week about how killing turkeys is horrific, and then the next day, they just happen to go missing!" screamed Kennith.
Kennith and Josey continue arguing and walk away.
"Honey, if I understood correctly, the humans lost them!" Mother started pacing.
"Maybe we should go look for them! They fixed the fence, so we got to break free." Father suggested.
"We are too weak,” she says as they attempt to push through the fence, but fail.
DAY 8
I saw a sign put up for the carnival coming tomorrow Yay! When I got back to our dumpster home, I was trying to explain to Berm what a carnival was. "There are these machines that you sit on, and you go up and down, side to side, and spin around until you need to have your food come out of your belly through your mouth!" I said to him.
"Why is that good?" asked Berm as he shuddered a little.
"Because it's fun! Also the carnival has this pink and blue stuff called cotton candy! It's delicious." I said to him and I started to drool at the thought of cotton candy. Sometimes back at the coop, the humans would drop some cotton candy for us as a treat.
DAY 9
This morning, when I was getting ready to take Berm to the carnival, I saw him chewing on a pillow! He said, "You were telling me yesterday about how good cotton candy was, I needed a little pre-taste. The pillow is cotton you said."
"Cotton candy is not really cotton, silly goose." I said.
"Goose? I thought I was a turkey! Everything I know is a lie!" Berm screamed.
"No silly goo- turkey. That's called an expression." I said.
"Espresschin?" He said.
"Yeah. It means you were being silly LIKE a goose." I explained.
"Why is a goose silly?" he asked.
"I don't know. Metaphors are weird," I clucked.
And then we walked off to the carnival. We ate cotton candy, funnel cake,
popcorn, ice cream, and fried cookies off the ground and we flew onto an empty seat of a ferris wheel when no one was looking. Berm is so happy.
DAY 10
WOW. Today was the most exciting day ever! So me and Berm were bored, so we were playing OBSTACLES. So we took a bunch of tall stuff from the junk pile and set it up in a line and timed each other to see who could run and jump over the junk faster. So apparently some male adult human showed up and was watching us, and we didn't even know. And then the man started petting us. If I understood correctly, he's taking us to a circus to be performers! WOO HOO! I was put in a huge cage with Berm and we went off to the circus to practice. It's a very long drive.
DAY 11
I was trying to explain to Berm where we were going.
"Berm, they think we are very special turkeys and that people should come to see us. They are going to teach us very cool tricks!" I said.
"Bart?"
"Yes Berm?"
"When are we going to go back home?"
"We don't need to go back to that dumpster anymore! We'll be famous!" I said.
"Just think about it. Cameras flashing, people screaming for us!!”
"Turkey coop home!" Berm clucked so loud, I shuddered.
"Okay Berm, I guess it's time to tell you why we are not at the Turkey Coop. You see, there are 12 months in a year. There are 30 or sometimes 31 days in a month. Last month was October, and this month is Khapiles. Every year there is a day called Thanksgiving."
"Tanksgiving?" asked Berm.
"The humans cook turkeys every year. So this year, it would've been us. And I didn't want you to die, so I took you here. We can't go back until after Thanksgiving. We'll be back in less than a month." I promised.
"Okay. I trust you, Barm." he said. And then we hugged.
DAY 12
So we arrived to circus this morning. Or maybe it was night. Well it was early morning/late night. It was dark for morning and light for night. We saw this giant grey animal with a really long nose/mouth. It drinks from it too! We also saw an animal, though smaller than the elephant, was ten times more frightening. It snarled and growled and was orange with black stripes. There were so many weird and strange animals that I'd never seen before and they did so many cool and interesting tricks. We didn't have to learn any tricks today. We just ate. We ate like kings. I hadn't ever before eaten any kind of these kinds of
food, but I loved everything. It was so good.
DAY 13
We learned our first trick, spinning! Everytime we do it right, we get a treat!
DAY 14
We learned our second trick, jumping really high!
DAY 15
We learned to shake
DAY 16
We learned to fly through flaming hoops
DAY 17
We learned what happens when you mess up....a whip on your derriere. Ouchies. I'm just glad they didn't hit Berm.
DAY 18
Whipped again.
DAY 20
Practiced the flying through flaming hoop.
DAY 21
Berm messed up flying through the flaming hoop, he was whipped. I was mad. I clucked at them and then refused to go through the hoop...but then, they brought out the animal with orange fur and black stripes to scare me and it worked. I flew through that hoop like there was no tomorrow. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to run away with Berm whenever I get the chance.
DAY 22
Well I'm no longer famous, but atleast now I am free! We were on a bus riding to another circus, and me and Berm managed to slip through the cage. We got a few scratches from the road. We have no idea where we are. Probably 1,000,000 miles away from San Francisco. To walk back would take months! We needed somehow to take a taxi cab, bus, or plane. But how? We don't have any money.
DAY 23
YAY! We are on a cab to San Francisco! And when I say ON a cab, I mean ON a cab. A female adult human was riding to San Fran, so we just flew on top of the cab and we're just waiting.
DAY 24
We jumped off the taxi cab a little while back. We got a few more scratches. We are back at the dumpster where we were before. It's good to be back. I wonder what the circus people's reactions are gonna be!
DAY 25
I wonder what it would be like to actually perform at the circus. That was going to be our first gig. I don't know, all I know is I didn't like them whipping Bermie. Berm. Bermasauras. Berm-Berm. I've been trying to think of nicknames for Berm. He came up with one for me: Barsh. Either that, or he forgot my name.
DAY 26
Some street performer included us in his act! He had a weird red hat, a white face with really long black eyes, a black and white striped shirt, and white hand clothes. I think Mother told me about the hand clothes. They are called goves. So the performer had goves. The performer was pretending he was trapped in a box and then he taught us how to pretend we were going up stairs.
DAY 27
The little boy came back and started talking. If I understood correctly, he has no parents, and has his own home. He stayed with us. He fed us. He walked down the street with us, and no one kicked us this time! The boy's name was Frederick, but we could call him Reggie. Wow, I am getting really good at translating Human English.
DAY 28
Reggie is still here. He slept by the dumpster with us. Currently, me and Berm are in Reggie's house. It is big. So big. Bigger than big. Imagine a king turkey, imagine his house. Reggie's house is bigger than that. Amazing, right? Me and Berm get a bed to sleep on! I think he adopted us. But we can't stay here forever. Can we? This day with Reggie has been awesome. I don't wanna go home. But I miss Mother and Father. Do I? Do I miss them yelling at me? Chastising me about the littlest details? "Oh, your hay is messy! Your feathers are out of line! You eat like a pig!" Mother would say almost every other day. I do miss them though. Reggie is so sweet though. He gives us awesome food!
The food is just as good as the circus food.
DAY 29
Reggie took us to the park. We played! He threw little balls, and then we ran to get it. Berm and I are having a blast! What is there to look forward to back at the coop? Getting an extra piece of bread to eat? Being scared of being eaten? I don't know.
DAY 30
I decided to go home tomorrow. Today is our last day. Today is Thanksgiving, so we can go back tomorrow. We already left Reggie. When he was sleeping, we left. Me and Berm are just sleeping on the side of the road. Poor Reggie. He even gave us fancy silver collars with our names and put it on our necks. I will miss him.
**********************************************************************
"Bart! Berm! You are back home!" Said Father, as Bart and Berm came sprinting back into the coop.
"Yeah, we are just glad Thanksgiving is over!" Bart said.
"What do you mean? It's Thanksgiving today!" Father said.
"How? I waited 30 days to come home!" Bart said. Bart started looking back at his journal and noticed that he skipped Day 19. "Oh no! My carelessness will cost Berm's life! We need to run away again!"
"Bart, calm down. They already took another turkey. Your Mother." Father said nonchalant.
Bart started clucking louder than he's ever clucked in his life. It never occurred to Bart, that the humans would cook another turkey. He thought they would just give up. That's what Josey thought too. "I am going to go save her!" And with that, he broke the fence again. Bart darted inside the house and Berm tailed along.
*********************************************************************
"Okay Josey, cut the turkey's head off." Kennith demanded. Josey gulped and held out the butcher knife, just as Bart flew onto the table and started clucking like crazy.
"WHAT?" screamed Kenny.
“He said, ‘BUCK BUCK!’” Josey sharading chicken wings.
Berm kicked the knife out of Josey's hand. The knife ricocheted off the table, and pushed Kenny's hand against the scorching hot oven.
"Owww!" cried Kenny. Josey giggled silently.
"The turkey whose collar says Berm did that. I guess, you got OVEN BERM'ed. Get it? Like Oven Burned Haha," laughed Josey. "Hey! You know how the government is renaming Khapiles for a funny story? They should rename it Oven Berm!"
"Josey, it would need a better flow to it." Said Kennith as he was applying ice to his hand.
"Well let's translate it into latin! You take the last letter and put it in the front. November!" Said Josey.
"That's not how Latin works, but I do like the ring of November. You should send that in, along with the backstory. Now anyways, I guess we will be having a turkey-less Thanksgiving this year...possibly forever depending on whether this madness decides to make a reappearance next Khapiles."
Hello government. My name is Josey, So you are looking for a new name for Khapiles, eh? Well I have an idea for one!
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
"Then what happened, Grandpa?"
"Well remember how Barm wrote about the collars, Reggie gave them?"
"Yeah?"
"Well they turned out to be tracking devices. Reggie found them and started working at the farm with Kennith and Josey."
"Even though he was only a kid?"
"Yes. Kennith proposed to Josey a year later, and then they adopted Reggie. The turkeys continued living in the coop, and Reggie played with Barm and Berm everyday. Also the government loved the backstory about the oven berm and decided to rename Khapiles November because it had a nice ring to it and went with September and October."
"That's a happy ending.” Said Susie.
"Sure is." said Grandpa as he started to get up from the rocking chair.
"Is the story true?" asked Sally.
"If you believe so." said Grandpa.
"I believe." whispered Suzie.
"Goodnight, Suzie."
"Goodnight Grandpa."
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