I had been pretty distant from all of my friends at the time so when I received a text from Davis Pickett that humid day in July, I was a little surprised. It was the summer after the end of college, and I was putting together job applications in the living room of my tiny one bedroom apartment. The text was pretty brief and requested the we meet and catch up. Normally I would say I was busy, but it was different with Davis. There had been no mention of him or Noah since that day on the news, when they announced Picketts death. I waited a few minutes thinking of what to say.

Me: Sure. When and where?

Him: 7:30 tomorrow night. The golf course at the estate.

The next night I drove up to the estate. It was even bigger than I remembered.  I wasn’t really sure if we were welcome or not, but how could a Tuatara invite you to its home anyway? When Davis pulled up in his silver Hyundai, I was a little shell shocked. I was always used to seeing him appear in an expensive car and in really nice clothes. He got out and appeared in sports attire; a blue adidas t-shirt and grey basketball shorts.

“You alright?” he asked looking at me like I was crazy, which I was.

“Yeah I’m just surprised to see you in sweats,” i must have been staring because an unsettling look grew on his face.

“Are you sure your okay?”

“Yeah just being here makes me feel a little nostalgic.”

“We can go somewhere else. Applebee’s?”

“No it’s fine. Besides there’s no better place to view the stars.”

He smiled and walked up the hill, taking my hand. Not gonna lie my, invasive thoughts have gotten worse over the years. To counteract them, I tried cutting out all physical contact which includes hand holding. His microbes are on you. You should really wash your hands. No. Aza you should really wash your hands. I’m fine!

“Um, do you mind maybe letting go of my hand?” I felt so bad saying it.

“Yeah no problem,” he said it as if it actually was too. I quickly pulled out my emergency hand sanitizer and squirted a big glob into my hand and let the strong aroma burn my nostril hairs.

“Are you okay?” he questioned as if he didn’t already know the answer.

“I don’t know.”

“Well why don’t we just sit and take a breather.”

“Okay.”

“What would you like to talk about?”

“The stars,” I didn’t say it because I wanted to hear about the stars but because I knew he wanted to talk about them.

“Okay well up right above us you can see cassiopeia. It kind of looks like an m. See it?”  

I nodded even though all I could think about was one microbe surviving the hand sanitizer,

making its way into my digestive system and giving me C. diff. I reached for the hand sanitizer practicing my breathing strategies. My thoughts wouldn’t stop, not until Davis asked me a question.

“Huh?

He looked at me concerned but proceeded to ask me if I had job. “I’ve been applying to a bunch of jobs. I’ve been trying to find one that would allow me to work from home because… well....yo-you know.”

“Because of your invasive thoughts.”

“Yeah, but lately I've been referring them to black holes.”

“In what sense?”

“In the sense that they swallow up everything else that going on and then you only have a black hole. Everything else that was once there is gone. My invasive thoughts swallow up all my other thoughts.”

I could feel the long line of sweat trickling down my back. The heat radiated over my skin in little waves even though it was dark out. I once again focused on my breathing and looked up at the night sky. The light pollution had gotten even worse since when we were in high school. It feels like yesterday we were out here for the first time. There must have been a thousand crickets outside because they were chirping up a storm, but I could barely hear them over my invasive thoughts and my heart pounding in my chest. I was starting to have shortened breaths and felt like I had no control over my body. I started shaking uncontrollably and my skin prickled with chills running all over my body.

“Are you sure your okay?” Davis looked extremely worried.

“I’m not so sure anymore.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Your microbes are going to make their way into my digestive system and then i’m gonna get C. diff. And then i’m gonna die!” I mumbled through one continuous breath which caused me to lose control. I was officially having a panic attack. Your going to die of C diff. All because you were foolish enough to meet an old friend. I’m not going to die I’ve kissed him before and nothing happened I didn’t even catch a cold. But it’s different this time. How? You have separated yourself from all physical contact your body isn’t accustomed to coming in contact with other people’s bacteria. Oh no, your right.

“I’m calling an ambulance. You are definitely not okay.”

I couldn’t stop my hyperventilating. How could everything seem so chaotic in such a serene environment. Davis kept telling me I’d be alright. That he was getting help and that I wasn’t going to get hurt. But I knew the truth, his bacteria was ultimately going to be the thing that stops my heart and put me in the ground, and over time I was slowly going to break down until nothing was left but my teeth. I regret ever deciding to meet him. I was sweating like a sprinkler shoots out water. My thoughts have been so excruciatingly hard to deny, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. He’s going to be the cause of your death. You should have never left the house. If you survive this you must never leave the house again. Why can’t I ignore you!

“The ambulance is on its way.” he looked genuinely scared. I didn’t think anyone cared that much about me. Knowing that helped calm me down a bit but I was still having a panic attack. It’s all over. Say goodbye Aza.

I spaced out. I couldn't respond to what anyone was saying. Davis had to answer all of the questions the first responder had. All of my secrets. He told all of my secrets to a complete stranger. That woman knew what a total mess I was. There wasn’t much they could do but they gave me some water and stayed with us until I was okay.

When the ambulance left, and Davis and I were alone, we walked in silence. The grass was damp from the rain we had gotten last night and the moon lit the path that we walked going nowhere.

“What happened back there?” he asked

“What are you talking about. That was completely normal,” I frowned. I regretted the sarcastic tone almost immediately.  

“Do you want to leave? I won’t be upset if you do.”

“I don’t know. I guess.”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye Davis.”

“Goodbye Aza Holmes.”

Me and Davis lost touch again after that. He probably wanted to hang out with his normal friends. I understood if I were him I’d want to do the same. It’s true. I’m crazy.