{Tinsley}

I was picking up my room and listening to my Hawthorne Heights CD when mom knocked on my door.
“Honey, some boy is standing outside on the sidewalk looking at the house.” I didn’t talk to any boys, they made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like feeling like that. I walked over to my window and looked out. My heart about ripped itself out of my chest to run away. Why would he stand on my sidewalk. “Who is it sweetheart? Do you know him? Is he your boyfriend?”
“Mom no, just- just go away okay. He’s just some guy I know alright.” I kept staring at him until he shook his head and walked off. I went and collapsed on my bed feeling sick and nauseated.
I wasn’t perfect, I never said I was. I don’t even try to act like I’m even close to it, but I don’t know why it always has to happen to me. Why does he always have to make my life hell? I never done anything to him, and he chooses to do this to me for his entertainment. It’s wrong and it’s so humiliating sometimes I just wish I could die to get away from all of it. There are so many nights I have cried and cried asking God why I have to go through this every day, or why I don’t have the strength to stand up for myself. I never get any answers back, just the same old nothing and a repeat the next day of Rhyker and his bulls**t. Like yesterday:
****

I walked down the hall to my locker and felt kind of lucky, I hadn’t seen his car or him so far. Maybe it was going to be a somewhat good day. I opened my locker and pulled out my notebook and binder for British Literature and was about to grab for my bag when my locker slammed.

“Hey s**t, gonna take my offer today?” The disgusting offer he’s talking about is him wanting me to do things to him or let him do things to me.

“Please just go away, just for one day leave me alone.” He smirked at that, like I was begging him for something.

“I tell you what, once you go away forever, I’ll never bother you again. Now get out of my sight, your making me sick you repulsive b***h.” He had a look on his face that made me hate myself, I don’t know why. I know I’m pretty and nothing that he says I am, but it still hurts.

I clutch my books to my chest and just look down, my hair falling in a black shade around my face. Then I go to step around him but he grabs my arm and pull’s me to his side, “It’s gonna happen, whether you like it or not. I’ll get what I want from you Tinsley.” His voice held so much venom and anger I couldn’t stop the cringe that came involuntarily.
When he released me I couldn’t stop myself from running to the girls room and locking myself in a stall. I cried until I was sick, and when I felt better I shoved my finger down my throat until I gagged and felt worse like I deserved to feel. Then I opened my pencil case and took out the little baggie in there that held the tiny razor. I pulled down my sweat pants and made 3 long cuts on my right thigh, then 3 more on my left one. Once I was done I got out the gauze and tape I kept in my bag and covered them, to keep them from bleeding through my sweat pants. I made myself a fake pass, not that any teacher noticed I was gone anyways, and then I went to class and pretended I was okay for the rest of the day.
****
It’s bad enough I have to see him at school, my home is suppose to be my safe haven. He’s probably gonna be a lot worse now that I went to the counselor and he got kicked out for harassing me. I just needed someone to talk to, I couldn’t be alone anymore with him. I couldn’t live without someone knowing he was making me feel the way I feel. I wish he’d make someone else feel like this, I wish it wasn’t me. It’s a horrible thing to wish on someone, but I don’t think I could handle much more of him. I don’t even know why he does this to me, I never done anything to him to deserve this! I start to cry again, sobbing and hyperventilating wishing I understood why I was so horrible.

[Rhyker]

I walked in my house around 3 in the morning; dad was sitting in the dark with only the glow of the television as light. He looked up when I came in and then back to the television so I just went upstairs to shower and then I went to bed. I was exhausted from all the bulls**t today and just wanted to wake up tomorrow somewhere else.

Once I was showered I went and laid down on my bed, but for some reason I couldn’t fall asleep. I got up and grabbed my notebook and started on the apology letter to Tinsley, but no matter how I wrote it down I sounded like a jerk. Not that I cared because I still think she was just playing hard to get and got upset when it didn’t go her way.
Dear Tinsley,
I apologize for harassing you for a while. It was very rude of me and wont happen again
I Stopped and crumbled that one up because in my mind, this wasn’t over between me and her. I sat my notebook down and leaned back into my pillows…I cant stand the thought of her anymore, it’s just making me mad and making me want to hurt her. I close my eyes and I fall asleep, but my dreams don’t keep her away like they usually do.
I’m walking through the woods and I hear laughing. It’s just right ahead of me so I start to run towards it. Once I’m closer I realize it’s not laughing I’m hearing, its screaming and sobbing, a girl begging for someone to stop. I walk out of the trees and there’s a girl running with her back to me. I know instantly from the hair and the skin tone that its Tinsley running, but whose she running from.
“Stop! Please just leave me alone!” She turns and screams at me, I run faster to try and catch up with her. She trips over something and falls, then when she turns her head she starts crying harder. “Please Rhyker, stop! Just leave me alone!”
I lean down and stare at her and I notice after she wipes her face she has blood smeared across it. “Your bleeding…Let me-“ I reach out to try and help her but she jerks away.
“Don’t touch me! This is your fault, don’t you understand that!” She holds her arms in front of me and all I see is blood dripping from cuts on her arms. “Now will you leave me alone? Or do I have to die to get peace from you?”
I bolt up in my bed and I’m sweating, my chest in tight and it’s hard for me to breath. I look around my room until I spot my clock, its only 6, so I don’t have to be up for another hour. I don’t know why I felt so horrible when I woke up, it’s not like I care if she’s dumb enough to kill herself or not. I laid my head back down and closed my eyes, but the image of all the blood covering her wouldn’t go away. I finally gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs for something to drink. My mom was sitting at the counter drinking her coffee and still looking horrible.
“Your up early sweetie, you hungry?” She eyed me with her motherly eyes.
“Uh, not really…I just couldn’t sleep…,” I looked her in the eye’s and sighed, “Mom, why do you stay with him if he treats you like that?” She gave me a small smile, then ran a hand through her hair.
“If you think it makes me feel bad, then why put someone else through it? Why torture a poor girl who could have just as bad a life as you?”
“That’s got nothing to do with what I’m asking and you know it!” My face was hot and the room felt cramped.
“But doesn’t it? Why do you want to hurt this girl?”
I opened the fridge and grabbed a coke, slamming it shut I ignored her and rushed up the stairs. She didn’t know what it was like, or even how I felt. I chugged my drink and started to get ready for school.
Once I was ready I texted my cousin and made sure he was still taking me to school. When he replied telling me to wait outside I grabbed my stuff and waited like he said. I still couldn’t get that dream out of my head. She looked so scared and helpless…I actually kind of did feel bad for her. My cousin pulled up and his music was thumping. We never had conversation, it was just pointless crap that led to him turning the music up louder.
I got out at the doors while he went and parked the car somewhere. I was walking up the stairs not paying attention and someone slammed into me. I looked up, feeling my face get hot and my temper rise. It was Tinsley, she already looked freighted and was backing against the wall.
“Can you not see where your walking, or do you just enjoy pissing me off?” I growled at her out of anger, “Whoops, I forgot! I harassed you so now we have a 30 foot rule. Might want to head the other way, instead of directly into me.” I felt the smirk coming until I saw her eyes get wet.

“I’ve never done anything to you! I don’t know why you treat me like this but I’ve had it!” Her face was soaked in seconds. She turned around and started to take off but I grabbed her wrist.

She jerked away from me and faced me with her face still covered in tears. I noticed a red spot on her face, it wasn’t a bruise or anything like that, it was wet…like blood. In that moment I remembered my dream and stepped towards her. She stepped back but into the wall, I could feel my face soften as I got closer to her.

“Let me see your wrist Tinsley.” I reached out and she just kept crying and shaking her head no, “I’m not going to hurt you, just let me see, please.”
I reached out again, this time she didn’t cringe, she just turned her head and cried harder. Once her wrist was in my hand I could feel the wetness and warmth of the blood. I looked at her, she had a horrible look on her face. I pulled a bandana out of my pocket and rolled up her sleeve tying it off around the cuts.

“Don’t do it again. Do you understand me? If I see it or suspect it again, It wont be nice Tinsley and I promise you that.” I glared making sure she saw the anger in my eyes.
I felt my body start to shake and dropped her wrist. I fixed my expression then walked towards my class. I’d never thought she would hurt herself, I defiantly never thought I’d care even if she did. But the anger I was feeling…it was going to end badly if she ever pulls that stunt again… and it’d be bad for both of us.

{Tinsley}

I stood there and watched him walk away, I stopped crying because I was beyond shocked at his reaction. I clutched my wrist in my hand and walked to the bathroom, trying to clear my head. Once hidden from everyone, I removed his bandana and rinsed my arm in cold water. When I looked up I saw someone. Long black curled hair, piercing green eyes and a tear stained face. She looked familiar but somehow she looked stronger. I realized I was looking at myself and gave a soft smile, maybe this meant things would be different from now on…Or at least I hoped that’s what it meant.

I walked to class, feeling a little new and a lot less broken. Rhyker would never earn forgiveness for what he’d put me through, but maybe he’s realizing what a horrible person he is. I could only hope and pray that this day was enough to make me better, heal me from all my pain and my fear of him.
Once I got to class I sat down in my usual seat, which was a few away from where Rhyker sat. He watched as I walked in and as I sat down, but once I made eye contact he shook his head and faced the other way. Maybe I was wrong and he’d remain the same as always.

Near the end of class when our teacher fell asleep, people started talking and moving around. In my peripheral vision I saw him stand up and look my way. I continued writing down my private stuff, until he placed his hand down on my notebook.

“Listen, just because I got mad earlier doesn’t mean we’re okay. You got me suspended for no reason.”

“You were threatening to rape me. Are you really so pig headed that you wouldn’t care if someone didn’t want you, you’d just take what you want anyway?”

“No-your- I would have never raped you. You wouldn’t be worth the sentence.” He had a hard look on his face, one that made me shiver.

“Glad to know I’m back to being worthless. Get your personality disorder checked out.” I grabbed my stuff and stood up, he was madder than ever. The look he was showing, it was pure hate and uncontrollable rage.

I walked around him and made sure once I was out he wasn’t following me. I felt tears slide down my cheeks, but I stood up to him. I just gave the angriest man I’ve ever met a reason to hate me. I was scared this time, not of him, but of what else would happen to me.

[Rhyker]

I watched as she sauntered out of the room, her attitude moving her body. Something about her made me want to hurt her so bad, but make sure she was never hurt by anyone else. I tried to close my hand, but realized her notebook was still there. I removed my hand and grabbed the book, making sure nobody was paying attention. I walked towards my desk and some kid walked over.

“That’s not yours, it’s Tinsley’s.” He said it looking down, so I knew he wouldn’t be a problem.

“Well I’m sure I’m capable of returning it.” I grabbed my bag and walked towards the door.

Once I was out and in the hallway alone, I knew all I wanted to do was go home and read her note book. So I made my way towards the door and then away from the school. I decided I wanted to avoid my dad’s mouth about not being at school, so I went to the park and sat on the table there. As soon as I was sitting I opened the book to the first page, her handwriting was tiny and so delicate. It seemed like she wrote poetry or something like that:

You’re my Problem
‘You wont leave me alone,

You’re always there no matter where I turn,

You destroy my peace and solitude,

You make me hate myself

You make me want to destroy myself,

You make me want to die.’

I’ll admit, its not hard to figure out that’s about me, but I was completely shocked. I never figured she’d write about me, good or bad. I continued reading until I reached today’s.


Through You
‘I see the pain you try to hide,
The misery you’re tied to,
I see the fear in your eyes,
The sadness you despise,
You’re not as bad as I thought,
You’re not as heartless as I figured,
We all have problems to deal with,
But with your anger directed at me,
It only makes the misery doubled
I see the secrets you stow away,
Wishing they’d just go away,
I want to help you if I can,
I want to try and take a stand,
I see through your masquerade,
Because I see through all your pain’


I closed the book and just sat there, thinking of her words. They were written in a hurry, but they held so much emotion behind them…maybe she could understand if I wouldn’t be who I am towards her. Maybe she would listen and try to help me.

{Tinsley}

The end of school came fast, and what surprised me more was the fact that I hadn’t seen Rhyker. He’d seemed to have just disappeared after our spat in class. That made my day a little more relaxed and easy going, but I couldn’t decide what was missing. I knew it was something important, but I couldn’t place it as I went through the rest of my day. I decided to go home and finish all my homework, maybe that’s what it was.

“Tinsley! Tinsley wait for a second!” I turned as I heard my name, it came from Collin Strats mouth…someone I never talked to, but knew was there. I stopped and waited for him to catch up. Once he did he had to catch his breath for a minute, “Rhyker Daniels has your book, your little black book that you’re always writing in!”

I could feel the shock register as he spoke, my journal was the important missing thing and it was in the worst possible hands it could be in. I turned and took off running towards his house, not knowing what I was going to do but knowing I had to get it back. I ran the whole 5 blocks to his house and then knocked on his door.

“Coming!” I had planned on him opening the door…now I was ready to run away, but then a woman answered the door, a sweet looking woman…his mom? “Can I help you hon?”

“I-I’m uh…Is Rhyker here?” She eyed me with concern, she seemed sweet.

“Yes, he’s up in his room. Head up the stairs and it’s the second door to your left.” She stepped aside and allowed me to come in.

“Thank you Mrs. Daniels.” I gave her a soft smile and headed up the stairs.

As I approached his door I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, or even do. I eyed his door for like 5 minutes, then as I was reaching for the door handle his door came open. He was staring at me in disbelief, I noticed the tattoo on his bare chest, the fact he was wearing no shirt, and that he had his jeans on and black socks. His hair looked wind blown but still black as night. Then there was something I hadn’t noticed, his eyes were the color of rain clouds…they were actually beautiful.

“What are you doing here Tinsley?” His voice was rough and his attitude still in tact.

“Collin said you had my book. I need it back Rhyker, you can harass me all you want but-“ He pulled me into his room and closed the door lightly.

“Listen I don’t need my parents knowing you’re here, my mom would have a fit…how’d you get in here anyway?”

“Your mom, she let me in and told me you were in your room.” His eyes went wide and his expression was shocked. “Anyways I need that book Rhyker, you don’t understand what you have of mine…it’s the only thing I can trust.” I looked down and stared at his socks, which were black with grey stripes.

He stepped closer and I dint bother to move away, if he was going to hurt me he’d do it regardless. I braced myself and waited for the insults and even pain, but what I got was so much more shocking. He placed his hand under my chin and tilted my face up, “I do understand, that’s why I’m giving it back to you.”

The only thing I could think of was a simple hope and silent prayer, please don’t tell me he’s read it. I looked up into his eyes, the tears forming in mine. He pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him. The feeling of someone holding me like this, made the tears spill and the heartbreak come back. Nobody had ever held me like this, and for him to do it made it harder to deal with.

“I’m sorry I caused you so much pain Tinsley, I should have never hurt you like that or even looked at you in the way I did.” He squeezed me closer to him.

I can’t believe he had read my journal, and now he had the sense to feel like a complete jerk. I pushed away from him and moved towards the door, but he wasn’t having that. I started to scream as soon as I realized what he was doing, or going to do. He picked me up and carried me over to his bed and he fell to it, making him land over me. He was fast enough to catch himself on his own hands, so he didn’t come down full force on me.

“Tinsley just hear me out, I’m not going to hurt you! Stop screaming before someone thinks your being hurt!” He placed his hand lightly over my mouth and I quieted…He looked me in the eyes and then rolled off of me onto his side, facing me. “I promise Tinsley, I’m not going to hurt you. Just stay for a minute okay?”

I didn’t bother moving, he was faster than me and closer to the door, “Okay, but don’t touch me.” My voice shook and he gazed at me.

“What’s so bad about me touching you? I told you, I’m not going to hurt you.” He ran his finger tips over my arm and up my neck. It kind of tickled but I didn’t dare move. “Plus, you have beautiful skin, and amazing eyes…I feel horrible for everything I did and said to you, I should have never acted like that towards you. I know me apologizing doesn’t fix anything or make it batter, but I wont stop apologizing to you.” He looked at my face, and I didn’t process what he was doing until it was done, he placed his lips on my forehead and pressed in to a kiss…

[Rhyker]

Instead of pulling my face immediately, I just kept my face against her forehead. I didn’t know what I was thinking, I just waited for her to scream and freak out on me…but it didn’t come…and she didn’t move. We just lay there, nobody talking or moving. I wrapped my arms around her and held her, she didn’t object to it. Maybe she wasn’t going to freak out if I really kissed her.

“Why’d you do that?” Her tiny voice surprised me, so I jumped a little and so did she.

Even though she asked a good question…I had no answer to give her…I don’t know why I kissed her forehead, or why she was laying in my arms or even why I am being this way…but I liked it, “Because I wanted to I suppose. Do I really need a reason?”

She shrugged her shoulders and leaned her head against my shoulder…I didn’t know exactly what I was suppose to do or even say, but I didn’t move, and what surprised me more was neither did she. We lay there for a few minutes before I started to get brave again. “Tinsley?”
“Huh?” She looked up in my eyes and I grabbed her chin, pulling her face right up against mine, placing my lips right on hers, but really lightly. I was expecting her to pull away from me and try to run again, but she pressed a little harder against my lips. With her permission given I kissed her, like any guy would kiss a beautiful girl. I felt her hands slide up my back and into my hair, I kissed down her check and down her neck. Then I went back to kissing her lips, she never pulled away…but she pulled me closer to her. My hands traveled down her sides and over her curves, stopping them right above her butt. I pulled her closer and then kissed her one last time, and pulled away from her. I felt strange, and a little guilty I guess.

She sat up and eyed me, her breath coming in short and huffy. I stared at her, her face red, hair all out of place, eyes shining like she won a million dollars, but no smile. “I-did I...,” She caught her breath for a second then pushed her hair back off her face, “Did I do something wrong?” I shook my head no, “Then why’d you jerk away from me?”

“Cause I felt like it.” After the words came out I wish I could have put them back in…the look on her face was breaking me. She nodded slowly and then got up, fixing her shirt and her hair. I sat up and put my head between my hands and sighed, I was in for it.

“Well, glad you proved your point Rhyker…just perfect. You know and for like a little while there you had me going! Believing every stupid word that came out of your stupid lying mouth! I-…I…,” She stopped and stared down at her shoes, “I hate you. I will never forgive you, and you’re a horrible person Rhyker Daniels. I hope you realize that sooner or late.”

I watched her as she grabbed her book off my desk, glanced at me one last time, then opened my door and ran straight into my mother. She gave Tinsley a sad smile and offered to show her to the door, me on the other hand sat there. I had nothing to say, but the look my mother threw me was a very ashamed one, and that was something new from her. I sat back and just waited, I knew she had heard everything and I was in for it again. Once I heard her close the door downstairs, and start back up the stairs I sat up and prepared myself.

“Was that the girl you were suspended over?” Her voice was calm and unassuming. She already knew the answer so I just nodded my head, “Well…she’s pretty, and she seems so sweet. So let me tell you this, you don’t deserve her honey. You two come from different places in this world, yours of anger and hate, hers of fear and love. What I just witnessed was…well honey it was appalling to hear you treat her like that after she had trusted you…That’s not what she deserved. You and I both know that, but she was also wrong about you…Your not a horrible person sweet heart, your misunderstood and your betrayed. That doesn’t make you horrible, it makes you angry. I-…I just want you to think about that, okay?” She didn’t yell at me or anything, she just tried to help.

“I messed up didn’t I?”

“You made a mistake, which a lot of people make very often.”

I thought back to mom saying I didn’t deserve her, then thought of running after her…but I wasn’t sure what I should do…, “Mom…what do I do to fix it?”

She sighed a thankful sigh, “You get you butt out of this room and out that door, and hope to go she forgives you.”

I stood up grabbing my jacket and pulling on my shoes, “What if she doesn’t?”
My mom straightened my jacket and looked me in the eyes, “You stay calm, say nothing mean, and you walk away after you have given it your all. Now go! Show everyone you deserve that girl, even me!”

She shouted after me as I ran down the stairs and into the rain outside, I ran towards her house. There was no way she could have made it very far, unless she was running. I kept running and running until I saw her ahead of me, walking very slow , she was soaking wet and acting like she didn’t notice.

“Tinsley!” She stopped and turned around, then once she saw me took off running. I growled and ran as hard and fast as I could, once I was close enough I tackled her into someone’s yard. She had makeup all over her face and her eyes were red.

“You were right! I’m a horrible person!” Thunder was booming around us but she just stared up at me…