My dream or nightmare , I can never decide what to call it ,is the only dream I have ever had, which I know for a fact isn’t normal, but everyone around me couldn’t care less. I have told my mother about my dreams yet she doesn’t take me seriously. When I tell her about the dream, how I feel afterwards and when I suggest going to a therapist because the dreams don’t go away and every time I wake up from them I feel worse she yells and screams as if I were asking to do something that would not be in my best interest. What gets me is that if she doesn’t want to help me why not let somebody else. Nevertheless, no matter how many times I tell her how I feel she hears, but she doesn’t listen. I have also told my father, who doesn’t live with us, and of course he couldn’t give a rats ass. He likes to say. “Darling you are a teenager you don’t live on this planet you are always somewhere else of course things are going to seem weird to you.” Which doesn’t make any sense what so ever because I haven’t just recently had this dream, I have been happening since I can remember; the same dream over and over and over and over. I haven’t had any other dream, as far as I can remember. I would like to have another dream every once and awhile but I’m stuck with this dream , this dream that feels right and wrong, this dream that I would love to stop having but would hate to let go of.
***

School has not ended; although I am hoping it would. School ends June third and it’s barely March fourth. I have a little more than I two month vacation; I go back August twenty second. I don’t mind it only being a two month vacation because by the time summer is almost over I am kind of ready to go back. I am entering 11th grade next semester which I’m not really that enthusiastic about.
School was very tiring today because I was extremely busy. I had four tests in science, English, history, and math. I had to study a lot over the weekend, but in P.E we played a game that is called Speed Stackers; what you are supposed to do is is stack these special cups and unstack them as fast as you can. It might sound awfully boring however it is extremely fun.
When I got home I went to my room not anticipating to take a nap however I fell asleep. I tried my hardest not to fall into a deep sleep but, my eye lids felt as if they weighed a hundred pounds. When I fell asleep my dream was more vivid than usual. I could see an outline of what was chasing me, it looked like a person but I couldn’t be sure, I ran farther than usual, and all when I fell into to that BIG-DARK-BLACK-HOLE I didn’t wake up I looked up at the outline. It watched me as I stood up and then it disappeared soon after. I was in such fear I tried to wake up but I couldn’t. I think my mom either heard me yelling or she saw me squirming around in my bed because I felt her soft hands on my arm. At first I jumped when I felt her hands, then I gave her an enormous hug. For the first time in a long time I was glad to have her with me. She asked me what had happened and I told her which may not have been the greatest idea because she said I was going to see a therapist, which yes I wanted, however I never thought she would actually do it. I begged and begged and begged her to let this slide but it did not seem to work. I told her that it was just a nightmare everyone has them but she saw right threw me she knew I was lying. I told her it was ok even though I knew it wasn’t, still she persisted. I knew it was all over she won I lost.

The first day I went to therapy I tried to talk my mother out of it and it did not work at all she kept saying, “This is what you wanted Gabby, you kept asking and this is what we are doing.” Yes, I did say I wanted it, but as I mentioned I never thought it would actually happen. I think I was more nervous than anything. Having to talk about the dream didn’t bug me, but having some actually listen did. My therapist was a girl and that I was glad of. Her name was Ms. Emerson; she had a joyful feel to her that made me a little more comfortable. She asked be a lot of questions about my life, how life was at home, and the usual things like how’s school and what kind of friends do I have. When I told her about my insane nightmares she said, “The cause could possibly be about your dad being gone and you’re running away from the fact that he won’t come back.”
Then I asked, “Why would someone be chasing me?”
She responded in sweet but firm tone, “I don’t not know yet, but maybe later on I will.” Then called me by my first name Carroll and I hated that; I liked to be called by Gabby my middle name. My full name is Carroll Gabby Chavez. I hate my name because when I say it without my middle name it sounds like Carol Chavez which is my dad’s name and I’m not too fond of him. Kindly Later I told Ms.Emerson that I liked to be called Gabby not plain old Carroll and she when on this tangent about how it is a bit rude not what to be called them name my parents gave me and how I have a beautiful name. Which is absolutely wrong, I have an ugly name, that came from my ugly father but I didn’t say I word, I just shook my head up and down listening to her. The cession took forever! I was ready to go home and relax.
When I got home I was welcomed to my idiotic sister yelling throughout the house, “My sister is crazy, all she has is nightmares, she goes to a therapist, hahahaha.” I wanted to choke her because her little friends were there and they started to yell it around the house.
So I went up to her and whispered, “Yeah Felicity , I’m crazy, but don’t forget you live with me and your little friends here don’t,” that shut her right up. I had to start getting prepared for the whole town to know I was going to a therapist because my little sister’s friends going to tell their parents and those parents would tell their friends so sooner than later it would get around. And that’s exactly what happened people I did not even know looked at me like I was some kind of freak. Things get around fast because my town is not that big, I live in Detroit TX. If you blink you miss the whole town, I am not joking. There are only two schools an elementary and a high school. The elementary has from pre-k to fifth grade and the high school has from sixth to twelfth.
People starting talking about our family… Mostly about me. They said that I should be put in home schooling because I had suicidal and homicidal thoughts! I couldn’t believe the things they were saying, they were absolutely horrible. I would never hurt a soul, including my own. I think it is sort of down grading to hurt yourself, it shows a lack of self esteem. I stuck it out though; I have lost a couple friends along the way, which I don’t completely mind. It just shows that they were not true friends so I don’t need them anyways. I haven’t really gained any, most people like to stay clear from me.
I feel bad for my little sister too because her friends think she is as weird as I am but she is not she is a sweet little girl who doesn’t have to care about anything but school really. Now she doesn’t have many friends either only this one little girl name Sofia who is so sweet and very adorable. She cares about everyone’s feelings , she is truly the sweetest third grader I know! However I didn’t feel so bad for her because she brought this whole thing on my family if she would have kept her mouth shut we wouldn’t be in this situation. However, my mom has to find someone to blame and that’s not my little sister; it’s me. I am always blamed the only thing she hasn’t blames me for was my dad leaving.
I talk to Ms.Emerson during sessions about this, about everything really. She doesn’t ask many questions anymore all she does is listen and give me advice. For the longest time I thought therapists were for people that were psycho or insane but that not it at all, they help you if you are going through something you can handle on your own and I found I was pretty ignorant for thinking otherwise. I went two times a week to talk to her, She would help me in different ways, and she gave me a sense of comfort something I didn’t have with my mother, something I didn’t have with my father, and something I didn’t even have with my best friend Heather anymore.
During early May my mom cancelled the sessions with Ms. Emerson but I still meet up with her because she was someone I could rely on even if I still had my dreams. The thing that was different about Ms.Emerson when we would meet up was she seemed more like a friend then a therapist; she was there for me always. Soon I would figure out that I needed Ms.Emerson more than I thought and I loved her.

The night of my last day of school I had my dream again and this time I could see more than an outline I could see a person and what he was wearing. Yes it was a man, I could tell because he is wearing a long baggy white t-shirt and kaki color cargo pants. His pants moved back and forth back and forth as he chased after me. Once again when I fell into the black hole I did not awaken I looked up and this time he did not disappear he was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t hear; I never was able to hear in any of my dreams, not that I had different ones. It had been the same dream forever. All I did in my dream was run and fall, run and fall, that’s all I ever did. Sometimes I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up from this dream not because I am fully scared but because I want to know who is chasing me and why!
The first day of summer I slept till 11:34 A.M. I was surprised at how long I slept because it is not predictable for me to sleep that long. What I thought was strange was that I did not dream at all. I was in a way relived but at the same time I wanted to dream because it can be like a show when it gets really intense then it say “To Be Continued.” Usually I don’t want to dream considering that I only have one dream over and over and OVER! This time was different I did want to dream , I wanted to dream that same old dream I have been having for centuries it feels like. Why? Because something was running through my ,how realistic and how vivid can my dream get? I told my mom that I didn’t dream but that I wanted to. “That’s great honey”, is what my mom said. I told her that it was not great I that it is weird. It took her awhile to really register what I said then she said she did not know. She suggested I go back to therapy and she was not going to fight me on my decision this time. I told her that I still met up with Ms.Emerson but not as a therapist, as a friend. I am surprised to say that she did not get mad, angry, or yell at me.
Ms.Emerson is the only person I talk to now. Heather and I had a fight and I don’t think I will ever talk to her again. I am the one that got mad, and I had the right to! She told people I had mental problems because I thought my dreams meant something in addition to that she also told people I was in therapy which I did not mind because everyone already knew; it was just the fact that she would say it anyway. I lost even more friends because of her but by then it was painless. What did hurt and was the worst part is we lost each other.
I met up with Ms.Emerson at are usual place McDonalds and out of the blue she told me to call my dad to see how he was doing. In my mind I thought isn’t it his job to be calling me to see how I was doing needless of that I said ok. She could always tell when something was on my mind or when I didn’t want to talk about the subject. I don’t know how she does it. She asked me what I was thinking then I said, “Shouldn’t my DAD be calling ME to see if I was OKAY.” I emphasized on the words dad, me, I, and okay.
She emphasized some words too when she said, “Yes YOUR DAD she be calling YOU but why don’t you take the INITIATIVE and call HIM.” Of course I had to say something back, I was not going let her win this one.
“Because it’s not MY place it is HIS.” She knew I was right that’s probably why she didn’t answer back. I was so mad I did not let her take me home I walked, which wasn’t really far nonetheless it made me aggravated.
When I got home I did not mention a word about what happened to my mom, it’s not like she cared anyway. What I did do was call Ms. Emerson and I told her I wanted a month break and she said that it would be fine. After awhile I felt a little lonely not being able to talk to anyone. Without Ms.Emerson I was more alone than I had been for the past few months.
The night I stopped meeting with Ms.Emerson I could not go to sleep as a result of me thinking about my dad, my mom, Ms. Emerson, my sister and Heather. I felt myself gradually going mad.
Time went on and I couldn’t sleep, I hadn’t had a good night’s rest for a week and a half. I still didn’t talk to Ms. Emerson and I hadn’t talked to Clair in forever till so I made a split decision to IM her.







7:06pm

























dream _girl95: hello


























Missheather_94: ummm… hi?























dream _girl95: ummm...Hi? whats that about
















Missheather_94: well we don’t really talk anymore















Missheather_94: what do u want anyways


















dream _girl95: I NEED someone to talk to… it sounds pathetic but I do

















Missheather_94: soo… u decided to IM me?

















dream dream_girl95: ya surprisingly enough

























Missheather_94: uhhh why? 
























dream_girl95: Cuz we used to be best friends and I don’t understand what happened
Misheather_94: ya...USED TOO!





















dream_girl95: well if u dint want to fix things fine. I don’t need you to treat me like crap again!!! I was trying to mend things but you obviously still want to act like everyone else is below you
















dream_girl95: dream_girl95 is logged off

















Missheather_94: NO! Wait I am sorry plz stay I am being stupid I do want to fix things it’s just I needed a break from you ok…don’t be mad









7:10pm
dream_girl95: ok… I just feel so lonely and I know we don’t talk anymore but I NEED someone and as I said its pretty pathetic, especially me IMing you























Missheather_94: I... im sorry plz I need to talk to u to plz a lot of things happened













dream_girl95: if u tell me why you’re sorry


















Missheather_94: I’m sure u no why I am really sure




















dream_girl95: I do think I know but I’m not sure u do














Missheather_94: ……….
























dream_girl95:? kk ttyl









7:15pm
Missheather_94: I no ur there talk to me










7:20pm
Missheather_94:plzzz


























Missheather_94: hello u are there u haven’t logged of yet










7:30pm
Missheather_94: ok im sorry because I was treating you like crap, I made idiotic comments bout you and I was kind of putting u thru hell now would you please talk to me. It has been hard for me too… I guess I am just not as big of a person as you are yo actually talk to you … I was scared that you would want to talk to me after what happened










7:45pm

























dream_girl95: did you know how much I needed you? You weren’t there for me… I felt like dying.























Missheather_94: and I am sooooooo sorry you have no idea how sorry I am but don’t you think you are being little dramatic










dream_girl95: apparently you don’t know how it is too lose the people you love the most my mom blames everything on me and my sister doesn’t talk to me much either and I lost a person I love a lot! YOU



























Missheather_94: I am sooooooo sorry

























dream_girl95: I do forgive you























Missheather_94: how are you... how are you going to be now?






















dream_girl95: I will be fine























Missheather_94: okay
I started to get awfully tired which was strange because it was only 7:50 so I told her I was going to go to bed.



7:50

























dream_girl95: well I will talk to you later I am really tired sorry ttyl.





Missheather_94: ya! You are ok good night


















dream_girl95: night
I had a blank night the night I talked to Heather over IM. I didn’t dream at all which in a way scared me. I wanted to tell someone about this but I didn’t know who. I couldn’t tell Heather because we just started talking again and I didn’t want to scare her off, which was dumb because she should stick by me anyway. Then again I didn’t fully trust her yet. I thought and thought and argued with myself. The person I was going to talk to was Ms.Emerson. I called Ms.Emerson after I ate brunch, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and walked my sister to my mom’s work at the funeral home.
The first thing she said when she saw me was, “So are we starting up our cessions… I mean our little talks. ”
I gave her a look back and said “yes…um I guess we are”. After we had an awkward moment I told her what happened. She told me I shouldn’t be scared, I gave her another look. Then she took my breath away when she said that this called for a celebration. She seemed so happy but I was burning inside, I wanted to yell at her and leave her there with her breath taken away! To my and her surprise that’s exactly what I did. “WHAT! This calls for a celebration are you psycho I… I…god know one understands me! For god’s sake listen isn’t that what you are here for to listen and help me! ”, after my yelling I stomped out of McDonalds relived actually. I hadn’t felt that way ever. I was furious! I really felt like just ending it all, all the pain , the drama, and the anger!

“Go faster! Go faster!” I kept telling myself, “Here comes the fall”. Of course I felt no pain when I get up, and then there was a little streak if light. I could barely see. I look up and there he is and I look in front of me in there is another person in the black hole with me. How did this person get down here I thought to myself. I could see the person it was a girl, she was small, about my sister height. She is coming in to the light one foot in and…. “All my life I’ve been good but now!” My alarm goes off.
“Carroll Gabby Chavez get down here NOW!” my mom yells.
I go down stairs to see Ms.Emerson who is obviously a morning person. “Hi… uh Gabby how are you this morning.”
I give her attitude when I say “well seeing you here and just waking up not that great.” My mom gives me the eye you know that one that all mothers do. Then my mother says Ms.Emerson invited us to go eat breakfast with her, and we are going so go get your stuff.
We go to a fancy restaurant in Dallas which is about two hours away from my house. We go in separate cars Ms.Emerson in hers and my mom and I in another which was horrible. My mom tells me if I make a scene I would rather be dreaming then be with her. I looked at her and rolled my eyes because right now I would rather be dreaming than be here. When we get out of the car I see Ms.Emerson waving us to go with her.
“So Ms.Emerson and I have something to talk to you about ok”, my mom looks happy and sad when she says this.
I look at Ms.Emerson when she says “we have something to give you,”I get excited at first but then she pulls out pills.
“Pills… you want to give me pills you got my all excited to get something and you bring me pills!” I tried to sound intimidating at the same time of being quiet.
“Now honey… baby girl don’t get so angry it’s for the better ok”, my mom says this so soft I kind of believed her at the moment.
“No! No ….n…no it can’t be for the better you people are crazy trying to give me pills”, at first I talk softly then I get louder and louder. Ms.Emerson put her hand on my shoulder that only made it worse. I practically ran out of the restaurant and when I look back and Heather was following me.
I ran faster and faster but I got tired and slowed down. I looked back again and my mom and Ms. Emerson were running with Heather. When I looked straight I saw a tree in the distance then a park and a hole. The hole was the only thing I saw when I fell into it. I thought to myself this has to be a dream but when I fell it hurt when, and when I looked up I saw Clair, my mom, Ms. Emerson and a man I didn’t know. I got up looked for that little girl; I didn’t see her but she was, I looked behind me and there she was.
“Is she waking up, I don’t know, it seems like she is”, I hear girls saying. Then a man says, “give her some space if she is waking up she will be in shock she has been asleep for quite some time.” When I open my eyes I see Heather, my mom, Ms.Emerson, and my dad. I can’t speak but I want to ask where I am, what happened, how long have I been sleeping and why does my head hurt like a mother. I make some kind of sound but I can barely hear it. “You can’t speak”, someone says. I manage to ask why? Then I fall back asleep.
When I wake up my dad is holding my hand. I start to feel the warmth of him as my body gets feeling. Then my head starts to pound, and everything starts to hurt. My whole body is aching. I try to lift my head but it doesn’t lift much. My neck has a brace on it and my left arm is bandage in all kinds of cloth, my flesh burns. My eyes are clearing up and I can see that both my legs have a cast on them. They are propped up on a couple pillows. I look at my dad… he mouths the words he loves me. I haven’t even noticed that I can’t hear. I look around and everything seems so peaceful. What happened to me?
The first thing I hear is myself breathing with the help of an oxygen mask. Then there are beeps , every kind you can think of. Then I see my mom coming towards me with my little sister at hand. They to seem to be hurt, they are both wearing hospital gowns, and both have bandages wrapped around there head. Then my dad stands up but his leg is broken so he needs crutches. My whole family is hurt. Again I ask myself “what happened?” tears well up in my eyes because I have no memory of what happened to all of us. Why we are all hurt? I finally gain the strength to ask in a small voice, “where is Ms.Emerson?” I wanted to know why she wasn’t here to comfort me when I needed to comforted. “ Who is Ms. Emerson my love? Are you feeling any better?”,my mom says in the sweetest voice I haven’t heard in months. What does she mean who is Ms.Emerson ? She knows who she is , she knows exactly who she is. So I decide to ask a different question, “Where is Heather, why isn’t she visiting me here, is she mad at me again did a do anything wrong?” My dad whispers in my mom’s ear and her and my sister walk away.
“You don’t know what’s going on… Do you sweetie?”, my dad said with a scared voice that also comforted me. I tried to shake my head but I forgot I had a brace on. He understood that I ment no. He looked at me as his face turned red and as his tears crawled down his face. He wiped them away took a deep breath and said, “This is hard for me to say, but I will start of with this. You have been asleep for almost a year , you have been in a coma.” Now I was starting to cry. “ We were in a car crash…a major car crash, it was raining very hard and mom and I were yelling about getting a divorce, which we shouldn’t have said infront of you poor kids. It nearly broke your sisters heart, and you you just stayed quiet comforting her through the whole thing. I was driving and you mom was yelling at me so loud I pushed my breaks on the car so she would stop. It was so cold outside some of the water turned into ice. So we swerved I tried to keep control of the car but it kept spinning . Heather and her parents were right behind us when all this happened. As we swerved uncontrollably a semi was headed our way. I really tried so hard to stop it all but the car would not stop spinning it was terrible and I blame it all on myself.” I didn’t want to hear anymore I was crying so hard I wouldnt be able to breath of it weren’t for the oxygen mask. I really didn’t want thim to go on I was so confused about everything.
He stopped to wipe my face off but he still went on, “ the semi didn’t stop either it came straight for us, well straight for you, it hit your side of the car, our side of the car. The car was pushed into the air it fell on Heathers parents car. Oh I feel so bad for Phill and Mandy. They didn’t know what was happening. The were just as shocked as we were. The car fell on the back where Heather was sitting. Both cars caught on fire. Mandy and Phil were the first to get out then me, your mom and your sister. You and Heather didn’t come out we were all so scared. Police cars and the fire department surrounded us I didn’t notice them until they were pulling you out. When they pulled Heather out she...” he took a breath he couldn’t finish his sentence. And he didn’t have to I already knew I didn’t want to face it though. My best friend was dead.
“Dad is Heather dead?” I don’t know why I asked, I really don’t. I knew the answer.
“Yes sweet pee she is.” I still was confused and didn’t know why every inch of my body was bandaged.
“What happened to me?” he looks at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen
“Sweetie you got it the worst. I get my cast off today , you mom and you sister are fine and have been fine for awhile now they just didn’t want you to feel so bad about being here. Your mom just had a fractured wrist and go slice across the forehead by a piece of glass. Your sister’s fine she broke her arm but it his healed, she had some bruises and scratches. She is fine now, you don’t have to worry. And your old man broke his leg in a couple different places I cracked some rib bones but they healed quickly. I busted my lip and fractured a bone in my back so I can’t lift heavy things.” My dad got it bad so how much more damaged am I? the question kept flooding my head.
I was getting to the point where I didn’t care anymore, I wanted to go back to my dreams of dreams rather than be in this mess. The same dream I thought I had been having for ages. However I had to come back to my real life where I have all my family, my best friend Heather is dead, and there is no Ms.Emerson. I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to the life where my best friend was alive, where all my mom did was lie around all day, where my dad wasn’t completely part of my life, and where I had Ms. Emerson to comfort me through everything that was going on. I needed that comfort, comfort I had never felt before even though it was all a dream. And now I have to face the fact of how bad I am, how damaged I am, how broken my life is. I can’t even look at my dad when he tells me what is wrong with me, and everything I have to go through to get better. The lower left part of my body was burned from the fire caused my the crash, both of my legs are broken in different places, one leg is broken in 12, and the other in 8 I can’t remember which is which. My left arm was also burned in the fire, my spine as many cracks in it, my neck bone has fractures in it also, my right arm has a hair line fracture, and last but not the least of my problems two of my fingers were also broken. Oh I almost forgot I have many scratches on my face and some need stitches. I am a pile of broken bones. I am nothing. I am glad there are no mirrors in this room I couldn’t bear to look at myself like this so hopeless. I have to get many x-rays, a cat scan, and I think an MRI. I also have to go to therapy soon so I can learn how to move my legs again an so my skin is more flexible in the places that burned. They said that I am almost done healing that the burn on my arm should be ok, the hair-line fracture I have should be healed, and my fingers are able to move. That’s why I no longer have a brace on my right arm. We will just have to wait for the x-rays to show my results.

It been two weeks since I woke up and I have to started therapy soon, which also means I have to eat. I haven’t been hungry, I think this is funny because I have been asleep for almost a year and I don’t want to eat a thing. I am starting to think more; like what about school, can I actually live through this, and I wonder if we were on the news? These questions will have to find an answer later because my head still hurts and thinking just makes everything worse.
The receptionist at the hospital makes my mom sign a bunch of papers. I haven’t a clue how many things they need to know about me but there are papers upon papers. It’s all for my therapy, just as in my dream I didn’t want to do this, but this time I know I have to if I want to get any better. I will be coming three times a week and I have to do special things at home too so my muscles don’t get week.
I see her and I just stare, I stare for the longest time. I want to cry! It’s her! Its Ms.Emerson there is no way. I want run and give her the biggest hug ever but I can’t I am stuck in this stupid wheel chair, at least until I get crutches and still have to keep my wheel chair just in case. She looks at me with that joyful smile she had in my dream. I whisper, “Ms.Emerson.” She looks at me with those beautiful eyes, she is beautiful. I have never seen anyone so beautiful. “Hi my name is Kia, Kia Hexander. Spelt like hex-ander but pronounces Ex-han-der.” I never new Ms.Emerson first name, she never mentioned it of course. She came to give me a hug and I lifted both my arms up and hugged her back I didn’t care if it took all the energy out of me to do it. I loved her. Like another mother to me, she comforted me and I had her back I had my wonderful most extraordinary person back in my life Ms.Emerson. I talked to her through my whole therapy. Telling her about my dreams, how there was a person just like her there. She thought I was making theses thing up but I wasn’t they were the truth I dreamt of her. We laughed a lot while I was there. When I had to leave I felt sad because I would miss her.
I missed my Ms.Emerson. The person that comforted me through everything. I hope Ms.Hexander will be the same way more than a therapist to me. someone that was a friend, a mother, an older sister, or maybe she was just that person that I clicked with. That was Ms. Emerson the person I trusted everything with; I would have trusted her with my life if that life was real. Now I have that comfort back and now I know that I can do this as long as I have her I can tuff it out and live my life to the most possible way I can.