The next morning, which was the fifth day, I knew Lily was coming to visit at some time. Lily is my older sister who is 24, five years older than me. I am very close to Lily. We never had brother and sister fights that most siblings had. She’s always looked after me since day one it seems like. She’s tall and blonde, while I’m tall, but have sandy brown hair. She has the personality and smile that makes people smile when they see her no matter what. She’s also a great comfort to people, which makes her the world’s greatest nurse! She was always a great comfort for me growing up. And I always agreed with her when her and mom got into an argument. But mom doesn’t know that.

I hear the door open and the doctor walk in. I know it’s the doctor because his footsteps make the squeaky noise of expensive shoes. He leans over me and I think he starts examining me, then he says, “Good morning Roy. I wonder how you’re feeling this morning?” I hear the door open again the doctor says,


“Good morning Emma.” The woman who I assume is a nurse, says good morning in return and I hear the door open and close.

The doctor resumes talking to me while it sounds like he’s walking around the room doing work, “Your sister is coming to see you today Roy. Maybe you’ll give some sound of life when you see her for the second time.”

The second time? What is doc talking about? For all I remember this is the first time she’s coming to visit. But she obviously must have came the first day to see me, but I just don’t remember. It’s all too fuzzy and black.







***

My mom and dad came again before Lily got here. For the first few minutes they got here, they didn’t say anything. But what do you say to someone that you know is not going to say anything back?

Then the door opened and right away I could tell that the person walking through the door was Lily. I could just feel her vibrant and happy personality and aura come into the room. I could hear the sound of her heals on the tile. I love how she dresses up for everything. I heard my mom mumble, “Finally.”

I could sense my dad get up and hug Lily. My mom stayed put. Lily said to my mom, “Hello Helen.” I could already feel the tension between mom and Lily. Typical. Lily always calls my mom by her real name, it’s odd. Lily said kindly to my parents,



“Can I please have some time alone with Roy?” My dad right away replied,

“Of course.” My mom on the other hand, very stubborn she is, looked very insulted, and replied, “Fine.”

When they left, Lily came and took mom’s chair right up on the right side of me. I could already feel her glow. How I hoped Michael was treating her good. Which I know he is, he’s a good guy. Lily just got married to Michael a year ago. Lily’s had many boyfriends over the years but she said that Michael’s different, she says she’s never known anyone like him and that kind to her. Other than me and dad of course. Michael is a European from London. They met when Lily went study abroad there. Their eyes met at a restaurant, and the rest is history.

“Hello Roy.” Lily said happily. That was the thing about Lily, she came to see me happily, not all down in the dumps. Not that that’s a bad thing, just that it makes me feel better when she’s happy.

She didn’t say anything for a minute, but then she said sternly, “I know you’re going to come out of this Roy. You’re just going to need more time and visits from me. And I’ll do my best to keep the tension low between mom and I, because I know how much that bugs you.”

Lily stopped again for a few minutes, I was wondering if she thought it felt wrong to be talking to me. But she kept talking, and boy did she talk! She went on telling me about her and Michael, and how they just bought a small house near Caseville. She also told me how she’s sorry Michael’s not here because he had to work, but she made it clear that he will be coming sometime this week. Then she started talking about our old childhood memories, “Roy do you remember the time you fell out of that old tree in our back yard and you fell unconscious? Well I was determined to get you to wake up and help you no matter what. That’s what I feel like now Roy. I’m going to make sure you wake up, you will wake up…..”

I heard Lily’s voice start to crack, “I don’t care what the doctors say. You will wake up. You’re strong Roy, you’re brave, and you’re my little brother.”

All I wanted to do at that moment was to get up and hug Lily. But it’s like I’m bound to my bed paralyzed, but more like I’m locked in my mind. Lily said softly,
“I know you can hear me Roy, I feel like you know I’m here. Where are you Roy? What are you thinking?” Then Lily was silent, waiting for an answer probably, but it felt good to know that she was here, and I felt better to have her here. Then she said, “I’m so very sorry about Elle….” When she said that about Elle, I went numb. She must have been meaning that she’s sorry that Elle’s in the same situation as I am. She had to have. I waited for her to tell me more. Lily stayed silent breathing. Come on tell me! I wonder if I can mind read to Elle, because she’s in a coma like me………… Nothing. I know Elle will wake up. If she was in any worst situation than I was, Lily would have told me.

It was then that I heard the door open. Mom’s fast pacing footsteps came up to my bed. My mom said, “How is he? Has he twitched an arm or eyelid?!”

Lily replied back, “No, but he’s been a great listener.”

“When’s Michael coming?” Mom asked.

“He’s coming tomorrow evening.”

“Well he better, he’s really been putting Roy off…”

“Mom! He’s not putting Roy off, he’s been busy with work. How could you say that?!”

“I’m just say-“

Luckily my dad broke in their conversation with a grunt of exhaustion. My dad told them, “Look at you two, fighting over Roy’s lifeless body. Do you really think he’d appreciate that? No. None of us need more stress than we have right now. Helen, you didn’t have to say that about Michael. He will come.” I’ve got to say, my dad really told them off good. Especially with me not there to help.

My mom and Lily were quiet for a few seconds, then Lily said quietly to dad, “Thank you for that dad. That’s not what Roy needed around him.” I didn’t hear my dad say anything, but I figured he nodded.






***

I’m not sure who was with me that night, but whoever was there, I didn’t hear them talking to me. For the first time I fell into a deep sleep. And I started dreaming. I kept seeing flashes of the faces of my family, and then all of a sudden I was driving a truck. My truck. Elle was in the passenger seat and we were talking and laughing……..

Then I woke up. I didn’t really wake from the coma, but I woke up back to the blindness. I could hear someone sleeping soundly to the right of me. I knew this person wasn’t Lily, because I could feel Lily’s aura, like she was an angel or something. It must be my mom. I was right, because I heard dad come in and offer my mom coffee.

I wonder if that dream means anything. It felt nice to see Elle again. How I missed her so much. I hope she’s okay. She’s probably hearing her mom sleeping next to her too.

Even though I hate this darkness, it’s better than what’d you’d think by two reasons:



A.)
I get a break from school work.
B.)
I can listen in on people’s conversations.

But those really are the only upsides. There’s a lot of downsides:
A.)
It’s really dark.
B.)
People are talking to you and you want to reply back, but you can’t.
C.)
You have to eat through a tube.
D.)
You’re hooked up to a machine.
E.)
You don’t know if you’ll wake up.
There’s a lot more downsides than that, I just wanted to stop there, because what if I don’t wake up? But I feel like I am. I wonder what it will feel like, I wonder how I’ll know it’s coming. Or if I’ll feel it coming. It’ll probably have to be triggered by something. By what though? Faith? Friendship? Love? Maybe all of the above.
If God really wanted me, it seems like he would of taken me by now. That’s why I believe I will get through this. I will wake up. Just like Lily said. I can’t let Lily down, because she’s never let me down.

If I’m right, I think this is my fifth day in my coma. My friends Paul, Chris, and Rob were coming to see me today. That’s what I heard my mom tell my dad today. And from what Lily and my mom were arguing about the other day, Michael, for the first time, is coming to see me this evening.


For some reason, I didn’t feel the greatest today. I felt cold. Well I’ve always felt cold, but today I really noticed it. Odd. Maybe it’s a hot one outside and they have the air cranked.


I heard the door open once again, and I heard the doctor’s expensive shoes squeaking across the tile floor to my bed. Doc said,


“Looks like his blood ph levels are still the same and his blood pressure hasn’t changed any since yesterday.”


“Is that a good thing that it hasn’t changed Doctor?,” my mom asked franticly.


“Well, it’s not good and it’s not too bad either. Luckily the blood ph levels and pressure didn’t go down….”



Well, I guess I’m not in the greatest state, but at least my blood didn’t go down…yet. I heard a knock on the door.

My mom said, “Oh! Why hello boys, it’s nice to see you guys again.” So they were here before. Must have been the first or second day.

My dad said quietly, “We’ll let you boys visit Roy alone.” I heard my mom, dad and the doctor leave.

Paul came up to me first patting me on the arm saying, “Hey man, how’s it going?” Paul and I go way back. We’ve been friends since kindergarten up till now. Not only is Paul one of the kindest people I know, he’s also very smart. He was the senior valedictorian in high school. He attends at University of Michigan in Ann Arbor to become a one of a kind surgeon. It’s nice of him to have given up his studies to come and visit me.

Chris, a.k.a the “string bean,” said hello as well and pulled up a seat. He’s nicknamed “string bean” because the kid’s not only tall, but very gangly as well. Chris and I met in junior high, I actually met him through Paul in history class. Boy was that class memorable.

Chris said, “At least he doesn’t look any worst, I actually think he looks better than the last time we were here.” Same old Chris, always trying to find the bright sides of situations. Even one as dark as this. I wanted to tell Chris it’s kind of hard to find any brightness in the darkness that I’m engulfed in.

Rob hasn’t said anything yet. Is he even here? I guess I just figured all three of my closest friends would be here. Then I heard Paul pipe up, “Rob come here, Roy’s not going to bite.” It’s funny how Paul can crack a joke at a time like this! Not that I mind. I can understand why Rob can be nervous. Hell, I’d be if I witnessed him cold and lifeless.

I could hear Rob’s shoes slowly sliding across the tile floor. It seems like it took ages for him to get two feet from the bed. Rob and I met in second or third grade. There always seemed to be something wrong with Rob, I know it has to do with that his mom died in a fatal car crash due to a drunk driver when he was ten. It hit everyone hard, but Rob always made up in his mind that all of it was his fault, even though it obviously wasn’t. Ever since then, Rob’s been different, something changed in him. He’s more to himself, doesn’t say much, quiet, and seems weak. I knew he was depressed. Rob’s dad took it hard as well, but I think Rob’s dad was more concerned about Rob and his depression. There was a time where I had a horrible pit in my stomach that he was going to commit suicide. Paul, Chris, and even Elle had the feeling. So we confronted Rob about it, and to this day I’m glad we did. Rob went to therapy for a couple of long months and it really worked. I think he finally faced the fact that it wasn’t his fault about his mom. He’s defiantly not the same person he was but he’s better.

Rob patted my hand lightly and said, “Wow, he’s colder than last time.” Maybe the air conditioning isn’t cranked up, maybe I’m just getting colder. I could tell Rob was trying to hold something back by how he was talking.

Chris muffled softly, “I guess he did a little bit, but nothing drastic….”

Rob replied back sullenly, “Chris, he’s dying. Why can’t you face that fact. For the last few days all you’ve been talking about is, ‘”I bet Roy is up now, He just needs to see us, or I know he’s going to wake up, I can feel it…..”’

Chris didn’t say anything, but I could only imagine the shocked expression on his face. Chris finally spat out quietly, “How can you say that?! Especially when I strongly believe that he can hear us! Huh? Just because you’ve had all that depression and sorrow in your life doesn’t mean you have to bring it back here and shed light on it again.” The room went silent, all that could be heard was the beeping of the machines. It doesn’t surprise me that Rob has those feelings. I’m not worried about what he thinks about me and my situation, I’m more worried that he’s going to fall into depression again.

Chris continued harshly, “If you’re going keep making those comments, you should leave because Roy does not need your negativity at a time like this. What he needs is people actually believing he’ll wake up with no doubts in their minds.”’

Rob said so quiet and harsh that it was hard to hear him say, “Fine.” I heard Rob get up and heard him walk away. Paul mumbled to Chris, “Way to go.” And got up to go after Rob. Chris didn’t say anything, he was probably staring at Paul with a dumbfounded expression because he didn’t know what he did wrong. I’m glad Chris was standing up for me, but I’m not happy about a few of those comments he made to Rob. Chris just has to understand that Rob has been through a lot of sorrow in his life and seeing me how I am probably brought back all the pain. I hope that Rob doesn’t think that this is his fault, because I know it’s not.

Paul still hadn’t returned, he was probably trying to convince Rob to come back inside. Chris started talking to me again, “Roy, I know you have it in you to wake up. I know you do. Remember the time I told you that at that senior year homecoming football game? Once I told you that you had it in you, you went out on that field and kicked ass! I know this is a completely different circumstance, but I know you have it in you.” That football game was memorable. Something went through me that day. I only wish that something went through me right now. Chris then said more to himself, “That damn truck……” What damn truck? My truck? No, it’s probably the truck that got me into this accident…..hmmm so it was for sure a car accident. It doesn’t sound like it was my fault. It was probably the other guy’s or girl’s fault. Chris started up again, “Do you remember the accident I wonder?...” He sounded like he was going to keep going on but the door opened. Paul snapped harshly, “I hope you’re happy.”

Chris snapped back, “What? Are you on his side? Do you believe he won’t wake up too?”

Paul did an exasperated sigh. “Of course not! I’m just saying you didn’t have to get all defensive, you know how Rob is, you know exactly the sorrow and pain he’s been through. You didn’t have to say all those things to him.”

“I know the pain he’s been through and I guess I overreacted a little bit, yes, but I couldn’t take hearing those comments he was saying especially in front of Roy!”

“But do you realize that you could of triggered his depression back on today?!”

Chris was silent for a moment and said in a quiet, harsh tone, “I never knew he got over it.”

I heard Paul stand up. He was probably standing there with his hands holding the back of his head thinking. That’s what he did when he was thinking hard about something. I agreed with both Paul and Chris’s sides of the argument. Yes, it doesn’t seem that Rob ever got over being depressed, and I don’t think Chris would cause Rob to fall into depression again, I think I’d be the one triggering it.

It’s like Chris read my mind because he then said, “I think Rob seeing how Roy is would make the depression worst, not me.”

Paul gave in, “I guess you’re right. But still, let’s not overreact next time when Rob says one of those comments next time.”

“Did he leave?”

“Yes. Deep down I know he wants Roy to wake up, but having his other painful experience, I know it’s putting a toll on him and it brings back the pain he had with his mom’s death. Do you understand what I’m coming from?”

Chris replied truthfully, “Yes. I do.” Then Chris spoke up softly again, “I wonder how Elle is….” His voice trailed off. Paul replied with sadness in his voice, “I’m very sure she’s happy.”

Maybe they don’t know what room Elle is in and they’re just assuming she’s happy just because they want to make me happy. Maybe they’re not allowed to go and see Elle. Elle’s parents can be on the kooky side sometimes, and they’re not letting everyone that wants to see her in. Reasonable enough.

After quite some time, Chris and Paul said their goodbyes and left. Their lives moving on while I’m stuck in the pitch black. I didn’t really like to be alone in this coma, I felt like I was dead with no one talking to me. Then the door opened, it was the doctor and a couple of nurses. The nurse Emma, the one I remember touched my arm and gasped, “Oh! He feels like he dropped a few degrees.”

I could feel the doctor flip my eyelids open, and it’s like my eyes switched off because I still couldn’t see. He said under his deep voice, “Nothing has seemed to change, other than his body temperature…” he sounded like he was deep in thought until this other nurse, who had this snooty twang to her voice interrupted, “Charles, do you really think this kid’s going to wake up?” I could tell the doctor and Emma looked at her in disbelief with how she put what she said. She said defensively, “Well, I mean, it’s almost been a week. And we rarely ever have survivors after a week, very few.” I did not like this nurse at all. She had the voice of a weasel and had no belief in me whatsoever. She made me just want to wake up right now and spat in her face. (Not really the last part.) But she did give me a powerful feeling to wake up.

The doctor left the room and one of the nurses. Nurse Emma said kindly to me, “You’ll get through this Mr. Roy Peters. Don’t listen to Jackie.” When Emma left, Lily walked in a few more minutes after her, and I knew it was Lily because I could feel her strong aura, and the clack of her heels. I heard another set of footsteps following her, must have been Michael.

Lily pulled up a chair and said right away, “Hello Roy, Michael has come to visit today.” I heard Michael pull up a chair on the left side of me, and he said in his European accent, “Hello Roy. How are you?...Wait…” I could tell he was blushing because, as you know, I can’t answer questions. I heard Lily chuckle softly and tell him that it’s ok.

Every time Lily came to visit, I had a feeling of relaxation and I felt like a soft blanket has wrapped it’s self around me like a cocoon. It’s like she was glowing and I could feel every bit of it.

Michael said, “Sorry I haven’t come to visit Roy. I feel so horrible about it. It’s just that I’m new at the job and they’re not taking days off too chummy yet. But I promise I’ll be here as much as I can……hey wait look!”

Lily said surprisingly, “What?!”

“I could of swore I saw him twitch an eyelid! Didn’t you see it?!”

Lily said confused and shocked at the same time, “No…..but I wasn’t looking directly at him. Are you sure you saw it?”

“I’m positive! I know what I saw! Roy? Come on now, I know you did it!” Michael was right, because my left eyelid did twitch. I didn’t have any control of it of course. It’s like when a part of your body will start having a twitching spasm, but you can’t stop it. That’s exactly what my eye felt like.

It felt like Lily and Michael were both on their toes waiting to see what I’d do next like I was an elephant doing a cool trick in a circus. After about ten minutes, Lily and Michael relaxed a bit. They didn’t seem disappointed that I didn’t twitch again, I think they were happy that I made an effort of movement.

Then Lily went on telling me another story of when we were kids, of how we snuck out a couple of nights, how her and her friends held me down that horrible night and put makeup on me, and the stories of when we explored in the woods in our back yard. I could tell Michael was very interested in the stories by asking questions and laughing at all the crazy adventures we went on. Sometimes they would both break out laughing. A couple of times Lily would start crying, but I could hear Michael comforting her.

It felt so nice to have Lily retelling our childhood memories. Listening to them gave me a sense of feeling that I am going home someday and there’s no way I’m going to lose my battle to the darkness. Having Michael there made everything all the better because Lily seemed in an even better mood than the day before when she was just alone. It’s just nice not to feel so alone.

But not once did any of them speak of how I got into this situation. I’m so curious to why I’m here, but I guess they don’t want to talk about it.

Michael spoke up surprised again, “The iPod!”

“Oh yeah! It’s a good thing you reminded me.” I could hear Lily rummaging through her purse.

“Did we forget it?”

“No….I packed it right…..here. Got it.” I could hear Lily untangling the ear buds.

So they brought my iPod. That’s such a great idea! Maybe listening to music will help me wake up. I could feel Lily put the ear buds in my ears and she said, “What song should we put on for him?”

Michael replied, “Well, what’s a song that he really enjoys?”

“Hmm…..” I could hear the iPod’s clicking noise, and then the song “Clocks” by Coldplay went through to my head. Good choice I wanted to say to Lily. Even though the music didn’t trigger anything or twitch my body, it still felt nice to listen to some soft rock music.

Lily went on playing more songs for me. I’m not sure if Lily or Michael tried talking to me again, if they were, I couldn’t hear them because I was too focused on the music I haven’t heard in seemed like ages.

Then Lily took the ear buds out of my ears and I heard her put the iPod on the bedside table. “Sorry Roy, but I don’t want you to burn all the energy out of it in one day.” I heard her get something out of her purse again. I’m not sure what she got out this time, but she put it on the bedside table. Michael said, “An iPod charger, good idea.” Lily’s full of good ideas.

After about quite some time, my parents walked through the door. I heard Michael stand up and say, “Hello Helen and Roger.” It sounded like he walked over and gave them a hug. Lily said hello to both mom and dad. But she didn’t get up, it sounded like she was still looking at me and talking to my parents at the same time.

My mom walked over to Lily and said, “Are you and Michael staying the night here tonight?”

“Yes, we are. Are you?”

“We always do Lily. But if you two get too tired or uncomfortable, you can go back to our place and…..”

“Mom.” Lily said cutting her off, “Were staying.”

“Ok, I was just suggesting.” I felt my mom start to stroke my hair softly.





****

Through the night I heard the door open and close. My parents and Lily and Michael were on shifts coming in and out. Sometimes Lily would come in with my mom and dad, and Michael would still be in the waiting room. When that happened, it felt like the room got extremely warmer and nicer. Not that my parents didn’t make me happy, it’s just that it felt like Lily made the atmosphere a lot brighter, literally. Every time she walked in, it felt like I could feel brightness beyond my lids. You know the feeling where you’re trying to sleep in the pitch black, but when someone turns the light on, you get that bright feeling on your eyelids? Well, that’s sort of what it feels like when Lily walks in.

My mom said sadly to Lily when she walked in, “The doctor said he’s getting a little colder each day.”

Lily was still for a moment then replied, “Is that really bad?”

“No, well, it’s not really bad, but it’s not good either….”

“Well then I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.”

“Lily, every little thing is something to worry about, in about a few days, he’ll be very cold, an-“

“Is that all you focus on Helen? The bad things? You’re going to sit here and worry about him getting cold?! Yes it’s something to worry about, but nothing to cry about!”

“Lily. Please, lower your voice….”

“Do you even have faith in him Helen?! All you ever do is point out his flaws, like the other day, you said the bags under his eyes are darker, yes we can all see that, but do you really have to point something out every day!?”

Roger came in the argument and said softly, “Lily, please.”

My mom spoke up softly, “Well as much as I want him to pull through, it’s very hard to have faith when he hasn’t made any signs of life yet.”

Lily said sternly, “Funny, because Michael witnessed Roy’s eye twitch today. He’s not going to show any sign of life if you don’t believe he will.” With that, Lily marched out of the room, taking her warm aura with her. My mom and didn’t say anything. They had to be in disbelief. Once again Lily won the argument.

My mom leaned over me and started talking to me like she usually does, but this time more anxiously because of knowing about my twitching eye. And I drifted off into the sleep again…………….




*****

I was having the same dream again. The one with Elle and I in my truck driving and laughing, except this time, the dream kept going, I didn’t wake up. I noticed it was night time, the clock said nine o’clock. I was telling her how weird this customer at work was that day, but I couldn’t quite understand what I was saying, but whatever I said it must have been funny, because she started laughing. Then I saw a stop light in the distance, I could tell that the light was green so I planned on going through it……

But then I woke up to music in my head. Someone must have put the ear buds in without me even feeling them.

The way Roy looked, he looked like he was on death’s door step. How can Chris and Paul actually believe he’s going to come out of this? I guess I just lost all faith in miracles. I felt the exact same way Paul and Chris feel about Roy when mom got in her car accident. I really did believe that she was going to shock the doctors by miraculously living. But I was wrong.

All I was trying to do is state the obvious so Paul and Chris wouldn’t get their hopes up about Roy waking up. They were actually talking to him! Do they really think Roy can hear them? It’s so crazy and superstitious that a person in a coma can hear what’s going on around them. It can’t be possible.

The front door just opened. Dad must be home. He started hollering from downstairs,

“Rob? How was seeing Roy today? Any good news?”

“No, there was no sign of him waking up. He’s not doing good.” I hollered.

My dad was quiet for a moment. I knew he was going to walk upstairs and see what was wrong with me. I was right. I heard him walk up the stairs, and there he was standing in my door way. He looked at me with the same worried filled face I’ve seen him give me ever since mom passed away. I’m sitting at my desk in my room just staring at how the lines in the wood contour together. My dad said worryingly ,“Rob, tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened. I went to the hospital with Paul and Chris, and saw Roy dying.” I didn’t look up at him once.

“Don’t say that.”

“Say what?” I asked confusingly.

“Roy dying. He’s not dying.”

“How do you know?” I finally looked up at him. “You didn’t even see him. He’s cold as death, he’s not going to make it. Just like mom didn’t.”

My dad sighed and sat on the edge of my bed and replied, “Just because your mom didn’t make it, doesn’t mean Roy isn’t. What Roy needs is belief from his friends that he’ll wake up from this.”

“I gave all the belief and faith I had in me to mom. I have none left. I’m depressed Dad. I’ve always have been, yes therapy helped, but it never fully took it away. It has always been here. Part of me has died. And seeing Roy today brought it all back….” I felt like I was going to break down. I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes.

My dad just stared at me worried. His voice started to crack, “I…I want you….” My dad put his face in his hands. He looked up from his hands and into my eyes and pleaded, “I don’t know what to do any more Rob. What can I do to help you?” I leaned forward and put my hand on my dad’s shoulder and whispered, “No one can help me.”

I stood and left my room to the hallway. My dad called out my name, I stopped and said, “What?” My dad came to my bedroom doorway and looked at me defeated, he didn’t know what to say, I could tell. He finally said sadly, “It’s not your fault about your mother Rob. It’s no one’s fault. Why can’t you understand that?”

I stared at my dad and said after a long moment, “It is my fault, I was the one who asked her to go to the grocery store that night, not only asked her, but begged her to go just to get something as ridiculous as water bottles for practice the next day.”

My dad helplessly pleaded, “Rob, it’s not your fault just because you asked her to go to the grocery store! If you want to point fingers at someone point them at the driver who did it! And same with Roy’s accident! John West was driving the vehicle, you were only the passenger. Just because you were the passenger in the car, doesn’t mean that you caused the accident, son. You didn’t cause the death of John or Elle. You. Were. Just. The. Passenger. It’s not your fault.”

I looked at his pleading face, he was waiting for me to say it wasn’t my fault say that I’m sorry I put you through all this misery the past years. This isn’t the first time we got into it like this. But I just turned my back on him and walked down the stairs. I heard him slide down against the wall, I turned around and saw him with his face in this hands again. No parent wants their child to be depressed. He knows that I think that my mom’s and Roy’s accident is my fault. As much as he says the deaths aren’t my fault, they really are, my mom’s death, John West’s, Elle’s and soon to be Roy’s. I’m practically a murderer.

I am freezing. I feel like a pop sickle. According to what I’ve heard the doctor say, I’ve been in the coma now for a month, feels more like a year. Listening to the doctor speak, his tone of voice doesn’t sound like he thinks I’m going to make it. He’s never came out and said it, but I’ve heard him and the nurses talk when my family’s not in the room. The only nurse that believes in me is Emma.

I’ve had the same dream with Elle and I driving in my truck every once in awhile. Each time I have it, a new part adds on. At first I thought it was just some ordinary dream, but now I think for sure that I’m slowly reliving the night Elle and I fell into comas.

The new parts that added to the dream was us just talking, and laughing as usual. Nothing drastic happened yet, but I had a gut feeling that something was going to happen very soon. How I wanted to fall into the sleep again, but it’s kind of hard to fall asleep when my mom keeps talking over me. Not that I don’t want to hear her, it’s just that she thinks I’ll magically wake up by her babbling on. I heard my dad sigh tiredly, he’s probably thinking the same thing I am.

Finally my mom said, “What time does that clock say over there Roger?”



“It says….let me get on my glasses….three-thirty.”

My mom gasped quietly, “Oh my! I’m late to pick up Lily and Michael!”

“Why do you need to pick them up?”

“Both of their cars are in the shop getting fixed on. I’ve got to go, where’s my purse?”

I heard my mom shuffling around, then I felt her give me a kiss on my forehead. She whispered, “I’ll be back soon. I love you.” And with that, she left. My dad didn’t say anything. I just heard him softly breathing, he’s so quiet I wouldn’t even guess he was in here. But that’s ok, I needed some quiet, and I think somehow he know that’s what I wanted too.

Finally, I drifted off into my deep sleep again……..
****

It started out the same as it usually does, with me driving my truck with Elle in the passenger seat, were talking, laughing and having a good time. We’re talking about the party we just from at Matt Crosby’s house. I know I’m not intoxicated because I didn’t drink anything, plus we left before we knew the drunks from the party would be on the road. But this time I notice that we’re on the back road, Brook Rd. The road that Elle lives on.

Elle asked questionably, “What did you really think about the party?”

I shrugged and replied, “It was ok, it’s not really my type of party.”

Elle replied not really surprised, “Oh, but then what is?”

I replied jokingly trying not to smile, “Apparel parties.” I snorted out a laugh.

Elle broke out into the sweet laugh I’ve always loved to hear, and missed so much, and she asked jokingly, “Now what is your favorite theme for these apparel parties?”

“Hmm…” I said pretending to concentrate hard, “I’d have to say my favorite theme would be a scarecrow party.” I pretended to rethink my answer but then concluded, “Yes. Defiantly a scarecrow party to celebrate the upcoming fall season.” Elle broke into another laugh again. And she went on asking questions, and me answering with crazy questions that she thought were hilarious. I noticed a stop light up ahead and realized it was green, and knew I would make it. As we were going under the light, I notice super bright headlights to the right of me, and Elle’s sweet laugh changed to a frightened scream.

A huge force smashed into passenger side of my truck. I was watching this all happen in slow motion it felt like. The force was a car that went through the red light. The truck spun fast by the hard impact of the other vehicle. Glass was flying everywhere I felt like I was being whipped around. Finally the truck stopped spinning and the driver’s side of the truck, my side, slammed into a tree, with my door window shattered, my head slammed onto the tree trunk and everything went black. Then I felt an uplifting light leave my body.

My dream took a turn. Everything was bright. All I saw was brightness. I felt very warm again. And I heard a voice talking to me. She said in a melancholy voice , “Hello Roy. How are you?” All I could do was squint my eyes to the bright light and mumble confusingly, “Am I dead?”

The holy sounding woman said very kindly, “No. You’re not.”

I asked confusingly with a note of hysteria, not knowing where I was, who I was talking to, and why it was so bright, “Am I in purgatory? Or have I been given a second chance? Where am I?!”

She replied kindly again saying, “You’re more like in the in-between.”

“Of life and death?”

“Yes and no. You’re not dead, but you aren’t alive and moving either.”

I stood there still squinting to the bright blinding light and said after a moment, “What do you mean by not moving? I don’t understand.”

The woman, now knowing that she must be an angel, put a soft hand to my cheek and answered, “You’re in a coma down on earth. Your friends and family are visiting you right now. You were in an accident. Do you remember the accident?”

I thought hard, mad at myself for not remembering. Am I really in a coma? And how she said down on earth makes me feel like we’re thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands, probably even farther away from earth. Then I replied, “No…” I squinted up at her, I saw her in front of me, but all I saw was a blurry figure of her. “I’m sorry, but I can’t remember….” I trailed off in thought.

“Don’t be sorry Roy,” She said kindly. “I don’t expect you to remember, I just wanted to know.”

“What did happen?”

“You’ll soon find out Roy.” She replied in her melancholy angle like voice.

I finally asked her, “Who are you? Are you an angel?”

“I am your guardian angel, Hael, the Angel of Miracles.”

“So you….saved me?” I said blankly.

“Yes.”

A question popped into my head that I couldn’t believe I didn’t even think of it earlier. I blurted out, “What about Elle? Where is she?!”

Hael put her hand on my shoulder and said quietly, “I am not her guardian angel, Roy.” I gaped at her wanting to know if she was alive. Even though all I saw of Hael was a blur because of the bright light, I took her hand and begged, “Please Hael, can you at least tell me if she’s ok or not?!” Hael took my hand in both her hands and held them tight.

Then I woke up from my dream to darkness again. But I know that the bright in-between and Hael wasn’t a dream, it was real. It was too real to just dream about. My encounter with Hael had to have happened the instant I fell into my coma. Hael saved me. At least I know it’s not my fault about the accident. Some bone head ran the red light. But I have a horrible pit in my stomach that Elle wasn’t in a coma, that she was in a far worst situation.

“Where is she?!” I said anxiously, pacing back and forth in front of our apartment window, waiting to see when Helen would pull up.

“Relax Lily,” Michael said putting a hand on my arm. “She’ll be here soon, she must have just lost track of time.”

“Yes, but she should have been paying attention. It’s just like her to forget!” Michael gently put his other hand on my other arm and gently said in his accent, “Lily, she didn’t forget. She must of just lost track of time. That’s all. Now come over here with me, and let me get you a cup of coffee to cool you down.” Michael lead me to our kitchen table and sat me down and went to pour me a cup of coffee.

He put the cup on the table in front of me. Being rude, I said, “I really don’t feel like that right now Michael, sorry.” Michael sighed and took it for himself. Michael said, “Oh, here she is.” I stood up quickly and saw that her car did pull into the lot. I went out the door quickly to hear Michael call back, “You forgot your……”. I closed the door behind me and heard him say, “coat.”

I trudged down towards Helen’s car. Helen got out and said, “Sorry I’m late, I lost track of time. Where’s Michael?”

“He’s coming.” I said not making eye contact with her.

“Lily, what’s wrong? I was only a few minutes lat-“

“It’s not about you being late!” I snapped back. Helen looked taken back.

Michael came walking down to the car and stopped when he heard me snap. “Is something wrong here?”

I replied with a nod and got in the backseat and slammed the door. I saw Michael shrug at Helen, then he got in the passenger seat.

I had every reason in the world to be mad at my mother. It’s not because she was late, it’s because I found out the other night from the doctor that my parents are thinking of pulling the plug on Roy. The doctor really wasn’t supposed to tell me, but I could tell something was up and got it out of him. I was just waiting for the moment my parents would tell me. I can’t even imagine my dad going along with this!

Michael and Helen were having small talk, while I was sulking miserably like a kid who didn’t get their way. Michael turned around sometimes and gave me questionably looks. I’m going to tell him soon, when Helen’s not around.

When we finally got to the hospital, I got out first and slammed the door shut. Helen started walking towards the hospital entrance. Michael stopped me from walking away. Helen turned around and hollered, “You guys coming?” Michel lied and said, “Yes, I dropped my phone under the seat trying to find it!”. Helen turned around and kept walking towards the entrance.

While Michael was pretending to look for his phone, he said, “What’s wrong Lily? I know you’re not acting miserable like this just because Helen was late. Tell me what’s up.” Michael then stood up and looked into my eyes.

“Come on.” I took Michael’s arm, and as we slowly walked toward the hospital, I told him everything the doctor told me about how my parents were seriously thinking about taking Roy’s life support off. Michael is a very good listener, he doesn’t interrupt, or ask questions. When I finished we were just passed the lobby. I said quietly with a tone of hysteria in my voice, “How could they do that to him Michael?! He’s my brother! He’s there son!”

Michael looked at me with a shocked expression, and said, “To tell you the truth Lily…” he paused for a moment and stopped and looked into my eyes again, “I’m shocked.”

I fell into Michael’s arms and quietly sobbed. He held on to me tightly. He said soothingly, “You won’t let them do it, Lily…..We won’t let them do it. Roy’s friend’s won’t stand for it either. Hell, he’s only been in the coma for a couple of months now right? He still has time.”

I replied, “I know he has time.” I left Michael’s arms and rubbed my tears away. I told Michael, “Let’s stop and get some water real quick. I don’t want Roy to tell that I’ve been crying.” We both walked arms around each other to the vending machine.

I heard my mom rush in the room again.

My dad asked questionably, “Where’s Lily and Michael?”

My mom sighed and sat down next to me and replied, “They’re coming. Dragging their feet. Michael dropped his phone between the seats and they were trying to get it out.” My mom paused to stroke my hair, and continued, “They should be in here by now.”

I heard the door knock. “Speak of the devil!”, My mom said surprisingly.

Right when Lily and Michael walked in, I felt the warmness of Lily’s presence once again. The warmness of her aura strangely reminded me of Hael, the angel in my dream.

“Hello Roy!” Lily told me with much worked enthusiasm. I almost wanted to laugh how much enthusiasm she put in to it. Michael put a hand on my shoulder and asked me, “How’s it going chap?” It made me want to laugh again how Michael said ‘chap’.

Before Lily and Michael came into the room, my brain was working overtime trying to understand everything that had just happened in my dream. I felt sad, confused, and full of anger for wanting to know what’s going to happen to me, who was driving the other vehicle, and most importantly, is Elle ok? Because no one was giving me a straight answer.

But now that they’re in my room, all those feelings are gone. I feel happy, better, and not so cold. Lily asked, “Has he shown any sign of life?” My dad replied sorrow, “Sadly, no.”

“Well I’m not worried.” I heard her pull up a chair on the left side of me, and she took my hand.

Just then the door knocked again, and by the sound of the shoes, I could tell it was the doctor. “Hello everyone.” I could tell he was going around and shaking everyone’s hand. “I have some news to tell you about Roy.”

“Well what is it doctor?,” My mom asked questionably with a hint of fear.

The doctor did an exasperated sigh, sat down and said solemnly, “ He’s been in this coma now going on three months. Roy’s not getting any better. His blood ph levels are down and his blood levels are extremely low.” He stopped for a moment for everyone to take that in. Everyone was quiet. Lily said quickly, “But he’s still going to be ok though, right?”

The doctor continued solemnly, “I’m afraid it’s likely he won’t be coming out of that coma.” Lily began saying quietly and fearfully, “No…no..you’re wrong….” I heard Michael put his arm around her.

“But I believe Roy has sensed his loved ones presence. I know he has to feel loved.”

My mom replied choked up, “Yes, he is very loved.”

I heard the doctor get out of his chair and walk over to me. I heard Lily and Michael get up and move to make space for him. He continued, “I’d have to be a miracle for Roy to get out of this.”

Then Lily replied strongly yet calmly and angrily towards the doctor, “I happen to believe in miracles.”

****

With each visit Lily made with me, which was like every day, I kept feeling like I was getting better. Like she was an angel guiding me to light with her comforting and warm aura. Every time her and Michael came I had a feeling of hope.

Ever sense the doctor said he didn’t think I was going to make it, I didn’t believe him, because when he said that, I felt descent, I didn’t feel like I was dying like he implied. That was most likely two weeks ago.

But now I’m starting to believe him. Every day I wake up I feel like this dark hole inside of me is starting to get bigger, and I am slowly falling into it. That’s how I look at it. I really don’t want to believe him, but it feels like I really do need a miracle now.

My friends have been visiting too. Paul, Chris and Rob. But as always, I’m worried about Rob. Not only is he worried about me, but I’m worried about him. They’re coming to visit me today. Right now Lily, Michael, and my parents went out to eat lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m left alone. But strangely, I don’t feel alone.

I’m starving but the food tastes like paste. I’m just waiting for Helen and my dad to tell me that they’re thinking of taking Roy’s life support off. It’s been two weeks I’ve known about it from the doctor, but my parents haven’t had the heart to tell me yet. Because they know that I won’t take it well not only will I not take it well, I’ll refuse to have them go on with that awful plan.

“Lily?....Lily?!” My mom said confusingly.

“Huh? What?” I asked. I was too deep in thought that I didn’t even know that Helen was trying to get my attention.

“I said your name at least three times. You didn’t hear me?”

“No…I was thinking.” I said truthfully.

We were sitting at a secluded table in the far corner of the hospital cafeteria. My mom said quietly, “Roger and I have something to tell you two.” Oh no, I thought. Here it comes….

My mom I could tell was having difficulty on how to put it, tears started to form in her eyes and roll down her cheeks. I had no sympathy whatsoever. “Roger and I thought, for Roy’s sake……to…..take off the life support on Roy.”

Michael dropped his spoon he was holding. Even though he knew it was coming, he was just shocked to hear Helen actually say it. My dad just sat there like a bump on a log as usual.

I just glared at Helen, then my dad, then back Helen. “What?! Are you serious? You’re giving up just like that. Unbelievable.” I crossed my arms and turned my head away, surprisingly, tears started to form in my eyes. Even though I knew it was coming as well, the thought of it was unbearable.

“You heard what the doctor said a couple of weeks ago Lily, his blood ph levels are low an-“

“Shut up. That was two weeks ago the doctor said that.” I stood up and pointed my finger at my mom and said harshly, “That was two weeks ago. The doctor made it sound like he’d be dead by now. But he’s not!” My dad said calmly, “Lily, please sit down…you’re making a scene…”

“No!” I yelled. People in the cafeteria stopped what they were doing and started to watch. I didn’t care. I wanted them to know, I want everyone to know what they want to do to Roy.

“Lily,” My mom begged. “Please sit down, you’re making a scene….”

I just ignored their complaints. “Why?! Why are you thinking of killing him! Why! You pull that plug, you kill him. Kill him.” I started to shake. Helen begged to Michael to calm me down. Michael shook his head no and looked away.

Helen stood up and raised her voice at me, “It’s for the best! You know he’s not happy living as a vegetable! No one would enjoy that! If it was you in his situation I’m sure he’d agree with me!” I stared at her in disbelief and said shocked, “How do you know what he’d do? I know him better than you do! I have always looked after Roy, and this situation doesn’t change me from not looking after him still.” I stopped and took a deep breath and started to calm down a bit.

“What?” Helen said sarcastically still standing. “Do you want us to keep life support on another….hm..another year? Or longer?”

“I. Cannot. Believe you. You are so unbearable right now.” I started to laugh, it wasn’t a humorous laugh. Michael and my dad were still sitting there watching. I turned to my dad, “You really can’t be on her side are you? You’re just going to let her make all the decisions while you just sit there like a brick wall?! Grow a back bone for Christ’s sake!”

“How dare you talk to your father like that!” my mom spat.

My dad began calmly, “Ever since you were six Lily, I had to pick sides between your mom and you. I’m sick of it. And I’m sick of it. You both need to stop, and sit down.”

I said calmly yet angrily to my dad, “I’m sorry mom and I are like water and oil, we don’t mix, but how can you really go along with this?! Seriously, what do you think about it all?!” My dad just stared at me blankly, “I really don’t know what to think about it anymore. I don’t want let Roy go, but I don’t want to keep holding on to him when he should be dead. Even if he does wake up, he’ll most likely have brain damage.”

Michael finally stepped in and said calmly, yet with some distraught, “Brain damage? The doctor said he hasn’t seen any sign of brain damage a couple of days ago…”

“Yes. But I find that very hard to believe, becau-“. I cut him off saying in a lower voice so the whole cafeteria couldn’t hear, “Of course you do. Of course you believe he’s going to have brain damage. Whatever. Think what you two want to think. But I’m going to believe Roy will wake up. I told him he was. I never have let Roy down.” I paused for a moment and while looking from Helen to my dad I whispered, “And I especially won’t let him down now.” On that note, I walked out of the cafeteria without looking back and ignoring the stares. Before I even thought about Michael, he was already at my side.
****

Before Michael and I were going to leave, we had to go and see Roy again before his friends got there. As we were walking there, my blood was boiling over the fight my mom, and even my dad and I had. I still am dumbfounded how they could even say, even think such a thing about cutting off Roy’s life support.

“Sorry Michael,” I said really meaning it.

“About what?,” he asked questionably.

“About making that huge scene in the cafeteria, I kind of went overboard, but during the time it was all happening, I wanted people to know, I wanted them to know how absolutely mad I-“ Michael stopped me and put his hand up slowly with his eyes closed. He opened them and looked at me and said, “Don’t be. I didn’t stand up and help you because I was too immersed by what you were saying, that I was shocked how great you fought your case.” Michael smiled warmly and continued, “You had it covered, and I didn’t want to interrupt.” He put his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t worry, now your parents for sure know that they’re dealing with three fighters. I’m one of them.”

For the first time that day, I truly smiled at Michael. “That’s more like it,” said Michael kindly. “Now let’s go and see Roy before his friends get here.”

I was beginning to feel very bored until I heard the door open and heard the door open. Instantly I felt the rush of the warm feeling I always get when Lily walks in. When they pulled their chairs up by me, I knew that Michael was still here.





“Roy,” Lily said breathlessly, “we have to tell you this fast before your friends arrive…..”





Oh no. I thought frighteningly. What is it that Lily has to tell me that was so important before friends get here?





“Mom and Dad……” Lily said quickly, “Mom and dad….” She continued slowly. “Are thinking about, you won’t believe this, they’re thinking about….” Her voice started to crack. I already knew the answer that was coming but I could barley believe it myself.






Michael answered softly, “Cutting off your life support.”

Right when he said those words, it felt like the hole inside of me sucked me in further. Lily did a small sob and stopped herself. Before I could even fully process what Michael just said,

Lily spoke real quickly, “I will not let them do it Roy. Will not. No matter what. You don’t have to worry, because I will be on your side, Michael and I will be on your side. And when I tell your friends, they’ll be on your side too. I’ve never let you down before Roy. And this will not be the only exception.”






Lily, I swear said all of that without a stop for breath. I’ve never heard her talk so surely of herself in my whole life. By God, she was going to fight for me, no matter what. I cannot believe that my parents are really thinking about…..pulling my plug. Just thinking of it makes me cringe in my mind. It’s so hard to believe. They must think it’ll put me out of my misery, yes, I am miserable right now, but I’m not going to give up. I truly believe that I will wake up, and that’s what Lily and Michael believe as well. Sadly my parents don’t feel the same. They probably don’t know what to feel or do, they just think that this will be the best way.






Do I think it’s the best way to go? No, I don’t. But sadly my parents do, but luckily Lily understands and is fighting for me. If there’s anyone I want on my side, it’s defiantly her. It’s kind of scary to think that by one pull of a plug, I’m gone.






Yes I have been in this coma now for going on three months, but I still feel normal, the only thing that has changed is my blood ph level and blood pressure, and I feel colder. Ok, I guess those are some bad reasons. But I still feel the same, I don’t feel like I have faded away at all. If only I could tell my parents that. If only there was a mind reading machine so my parents could read my thoughts.






Call me a baby, but I could cry right now. My parents want to….let me go, and my sister and brother-in-law want to stop them and protect me. I could cry do to the fact that my parents worry about my mental state, plus want to let me go even though I really don’t want to be. And, that Lily and Michael love me that much to fight for me. It’s a lot of emotion to take in, especially when you can’t let any of it out of your system.






Am I scared of my parents? No, but am I scared of what they might do? Yes.






During the time of my deep thoughts, Lily was going on telling me about how her and Michael are not going to let my parents cut off life support. And how she knows I’m strong enough to not let go. After a few more minutes, Lily and Roy said their goodbyes. And promising me that they won’t leave my parents in here alone with me. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
****






When Paul, Chris, and surprisingly Rob came in the room, I right away knew that Lily and Michael told them about what my parents were thinking about doing.

Because right away Chris said stunned, “How could his parents think such a thing? I mean, there his parents!”






“They probably just want to put him out of his misery.” Rob said sullenly.






I could tell Chris was about to say something back, but he bit his tongue by how Paul grunted to make Chris stop.






Paul and Chris pulled up a chair on each side of me. I didn’t hear Rob move a step. Chris, on my left, did an exasperated sigh.

Paul said quietly to himself, “I can’t believe his parents are coming down to this already.”

Rob said coolly, “Why not?” I could tell that not only Chris, but Paul was also having difficulty with Rob lately. I could see why. Rob was being a very big downer.






Both Paul and Chris just ignored him. Paul continued, “I know that if Roy was getting worse and he’s been in the coma for a lot longer, then I could understand, but….”






Rob replied dully, “I guess.”

Right then and there, Paul was the one who couldn’t take it anymore. Paul replied back coldly, “Rob, I know you have faced depression in your life, and you have lost your mother, but that doesn’t mean you have to be so negative on Roy.” Paul stopped for a moment and continued more understandingly and lost all the coldness in his voice, “Rob, I’m not trying to be mean here at all, but do you think that what happened to Roy is your fault? Because it’s not Rob, it’s not. You were in the passenger seat. You weren’t driving, John Weston was. You were just like this when your mom died. You blamed yourself for her death when it wasn’t. It was the drunk driver.” What Paul said was true, it wasn’t Rob’s fault, but he feels like it is because this is the second time something like this has happened to him. Knowing Rob, he probably thinks some curse has fallen upon him.






Rob didn’t say anything, neither did Chris. Rob quietly said, “You don’t understand, neither of you will, no one ever will…..” Rob stopped a for a few long seconds and continued, “That it is my fault. It is. I really have to go now….”






“But we haven’t even been here for a half an hour.” Chris said shockingly.






“Rob, please stay. I didn’t say those things for you to leave, I just wanted to let you know….” Paul said desperately.







“I know. I’m glad you told me. My emotions take over me a lot…” Rob trailed off then picked up again lying, “But I have to go and…..uh meet my dad.” With that Rob left. With no hello or goodbye.







“I’m really starting to worry about him Chris.” Paul said with meaning. “He’s showing the same exact signs as when his mom passed.”







“Are you saying you think he needs a therapist again?” Chris asked.







“Yes, because he thinks that it’s his fault when an accident happens in front of him. I just don’t get it…..” Paul trailed off in thought.

Chris and Paul went on talking to me, and to each other. Mostly talking about my parents taking off life support. They weren’t on my parents side. But what difference does it make? If my parents really wanted to cut off life support, they could. They have the word.








But I do believe that Lily will fight for me like she has been doing. She believes in me, and I believe in myself. But sadly, so far, it hasn’t been enough. I don’t know what more I need to do other than wait. I’m sick of this. I’m demanding myself to wake up. It’s going to have to be something harder than that to get my lazy bones up and around.

I got out of that hospital that I have been so many times as fast as I could. I had to. I couldn’t take it anymore. I can’t take listening to people telling me that my mother’s and Roy’s death isn’t my fault. They are my fault. Even if my mom’s isn’t exactly my fault, I was the one who begged her to go to the store. And Elle and John’s deaths are my fault. And Roy’s death will be, in every way, my fault. But nobody knows that except John, Elle, the Lord himself and I.





I hopped in my car fast and drove home. Luckily my dad wasn’t home from work yet. I sat in my car and thought.





I decided to do something that I should of done a long time ago. Tell the truth. To tell everyone what really happened the night two lives were lost and Roy’s coma. To tell everyone that it wasn’t John who was driving, it was me. I’m such a coward. John died to be known as the killer and causing the coma. But really, John should of died as the helpless passenger as he was. But no, cowardly me, said that John was driving and I was the helpless one. I’m such a fool. A horribly, cowardly fool. I should have been the one that died, or the one in the coma. I should be put to death.





I froze for a moment. And thought the words over in my head: put to death. I’m way too cowardly to tell everyone the truth. I feel like my star is fading, and I see no use to live on. I’m practically dead on the outside. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually really looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror. I looked horrible. I looked bad, not even bad, horrible. I looked like I haven’t slept in days. I looked pale and sick. Why am I still living? I’ve been depressed for so long now, what’s the point anymore? I’m sick of all the secrets that I’ve been hiding.





I started to tremble a little. I held myself together and got out of the car into the cool, crisp autumn air. Before I went inside, I went back to the shed and grabbed a dirty, old rope without thinking. I then walked inside and grabbed a pen and paper and headed upstairs. My fast pacing around turned to really slow steps. I can just feel myself screaming inside of me.

When I got to the doorway of my room and stopped. I felt sick to my stomach. No therapist could help me now, they could never help me. There’s no way anyone can stop me now. I waited and waited for the day I would wake up and feel better, but that day never happened, and I know it never will.

I walked over and sat down at my desk. I threw the rope on my bed and turned to the pen and paper. I began writing:

I am sorry you all had to find me like this. But this was really the best way for me, really. Please don’t feel like this is your fault, because it’s not. It’s always been my fault. I want everyone to know that it was me driving the night John and Elle died, and Roy fell into his coma. I wasn’t paying attention, and went through the red light without my seatbelt on. John didn’t have his on either. Somehow during the crash I ended up on the ground near the passenger side, and John ended up near the driver’s side. You’re probably wondering why I never said I was driving in the first place. I didn’t because I didn’t want people to think that it was my fault, like it was with my mom’s. I’m sorry for putting the blame on John, and for killing both him and Elle for my petty mistake. I do hope that Roy will get out of his coma, but I’m afraid I won’t be around to find out. Roy, if you do read this, I’m sorry for not believing in you and for taking the life of Elle. Paul and Chris, I’m sorry I was such a downer on you, you guys’ don’t deserve it. Dad, I’ m very sorry I’m putting you through with this. Don’t think that I don’t love you, because I do, and always will. This has been my choice, and no one else’s. You’re probably thinking, ‘why couldn’t he tell us all of this in person? Why is suicide the best way?’ I have the answer, because I’m a coward. I couldn’t tell it to all of you in person. I could only tell you in print. I am sorry. The happy part is, I’ll be with mom again
















With all due respect,





















Rob Parker

When I finished the letter, I noticed I had tear drops on it. I wiped my eyes and left the paper there. I got up and grabbed the rope. I stared at it for a moment and tied a noose. I then tied the end of the rope on my ceiling fan, not one of the wings, but around the fan. I brought my desk chair underneath the noose. I slowly stepped carefully on the edge of my chair, and put the noose around my neck. My stomach didn’t get any better, I still felt sick. No matter what anyone says now, it doesn’t matter. It won’t change a thing. I’ve made my decision. There’s no going back now.





I heard my dad open the front door downstairs and holler my name as usual. Ignoring him, I pushed the chair back from underneath me. I struggled for a moment……

I was heading to Roy’s room alone. Michael had to work. Just as I was about to enter Roy’s room, Helen approached me and said, “Roy’s friend Rob committed suicide last night.”

“What?!” I said shocked beyond belief. “Why? Was he depressed?”

“He’s been depressed ever since his mother died, but you see, in the letter he left, he explained that it wasn’t John West who was driving, it was himself. The way he was thrown out of the car made it look like he was the passenger.”

I was extremely baffled. I finally said, “What?! Why didn’t he say that in the first place?!”

“According to the letter he left, he said he was too cowardly to tell everyone the truth. He wanted it this way.”

“That’s crazy….” I said trailing off. I was completely dumbfounded of all the tragic events that have happened. Roy’s coma, Elle and John’s death, and now Rob committing suicide?! Everything was just too crazy and surreal. What’s going to happen next? Michael suddenly has a heart attack?! It’s just so hard to believe that something this terrible can happen so quickly. For a moment I forgot that my parents wanted to let Roy go. She could tell from my face that I remembered.

“Does Roy know?” I asked coolly.

“Yes…uh… your father told him. Oh and Lily….”

I turned around from Roy’s closed door and replied rudely, “What?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about what happened the other day. It was a lot to take in during one day. I’m sure you must feel differently now. For Roy’s sake, that is.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked confusingly.

“Well of course you must feel differently about the situation….you have to feel that it’s time to let him out of his misery….”

I cut her off, “Of course I don’t feel differently about this! Do you think I’d wake up this morning and feel better just like that?!” I snapped my finger. “I never will, so stop hoping.” I turned around and walked into Roy’s room.

The words hit me like stone. It felt like someone carved my insides out and put them back in sloppily.

Rob committed suicide yesterday. It’s all my fault. I should have never went to the party that night! Because of me, Rob died. If I wasn’t in this position, Rob would still be on his road to recovery. He wouldn’t of had a single reason to do such a thing.

What can get worst than me in a coma right now? Other than death. That thought has popped into my head many times. But now I know the answer. What’s worse is that Rob’s dead. Gone. I’ve never had someone so close to me pass away, and at such a tragic death. I know Rob has always been miserable and lonely ever since his mom passed, but him seeing me in my condition must have been his breaking point. He just couldn’t take the pain anymore. He couldn’t be engulfed in it any longer. Just like me, I can’t take being engulfed in this complete and utter darkness any longer.

But I’m not like Rob, I’m stronger. Even though I have no control of myself right now, I know one thing, and that is living. No matter what this coma throws at me, I’m living for Rob.

I was so deep in thought, that I didn’t even hear Lily get up and situate my covers on my bed. I never like it when I get too deep in thought because I feel if I get too deep, it’ll take me away from the outside world. Lily stayed quiet for the longest time until my mom came in and asked her to come outside for a few minutes.

I’ll never forget the conversation that Rob and I had a couple of weeks before the party that changed everything…




****

On a cool, fall Wednesday, Paul, Chris, Rob, and a couple other friends, and I decided to meet in our favorite hangout that we used to always go to in our high school years. Oakwood woods. Barley anyone ever went there because not that many people knew about it, or had any interest of it. Many that did know about it had no interest in exploring the little old graveyard the woods held.

It was four or five o’clock and we were just hanging out just on the outside of the graveyard where there were two old, crumbling benches that sat facing the tombs. Chris and some other guys were walking around checking out some of the absurd names on the tombs. Rob, Paul and I sat on the benches. Paul and Rob sat quietly on one articulating about our late high school years while I sat on the other staring out into space, remembering the night that we spent here with only a few candles, sleeping bags, food, and a Ouija board.

“Do you guys remember when we spent the night here with the Ouija board?” I inquired.

“You mean the night where Donny here wet himself?” Chris stated jokingly pointing towards Donny Gurney.

“Shut up Chris! And you know damn well that I never did such a thing.” Donny snapped. Donny shoved Chris hard and sent him toppling over a tombstone. Seeing Chris’s gangly body plummet over a tombstone is very hard not to laugh at. With Chris cursing under his breath, we were all laughing hysterically. Why Chris said such a thing to such a big, muscular man who played quarterback in high school, I will never understand. Donny hollered at Chris, who was getting up off the ground, “I just didn’t want to play the damn game that night. The game doesn’t work, and it’s just a waste of time.” Chris, finally getting up off the ground with a bloody nose barks back “Oh bull! Everyone here knows that you were too scared! I could bet my life on it.” Chris finished certainly.

Donny got close to Chris and stuck a big, meaty finger in Chris’s face. “Just shut your mouth, stringy.”

“Is this another threat, Paul Bunyan?” Chris asked with a stupid smile on his face.

Donny growled lowly and raised a fist.

“Go ahead. Hit me. Show me how tough and strong you are.” Chris said sarcastically with his same stupid looking smile.

Before Donny could smash Chris’s face in, Paul got up, and some of the other guys ran up and pulled Donny away from Chris. Rob and I just sat on the benches watching. This isn’t the first time Donny and Chris have gotten in a fight. The two of them act like they’re enemies, but deep down, both of them are great friends. Even though Donny has broke Chris’s arm, and Chris has knocked Donny’s tooth out, and other familiar stories. They just like to get under each other’s skin.

While everyone was trying to keep Donny and Chris contained, Rob and I sat quietly to ourselves laughing.

“Hell, and I thought Chris and o’l Donny would have gotten over this phase after high school ended.” I said to Rob humorously.

“Looks like you’re wrong. Chris starts the quarrels and he asks for it, he loves to get Donny angry.” Rob said to me with humor in his eyes.

We both sat quietly for a moment watching the guys trying to cool down Donny, while Chris took a rest and sat on the ground.

Then Rob changed the mood like he did ever so often, “Do you remember when we came here like a month after my mom died? Just you and I?” he asked me quietly.

I verged my eyes from Rob’s face, and looked outward towards the loud group of guys. “Of course I do.” I said solemnly. I really didn’t know how I should of said it, I never knew how to sound when Rob talked about his mom.

“Well, I was just thinking about that before Donny and Chris broke into a fight.”

I stayed quiet for a moment, fiddling my fingers, not really knowing what to say. Rob sighed and zipped up his jacket higher and continued, “I will never remember what you told me. What you told me has helped me move on so much.” I turned slowly and looked at Rob in awe. No one, and I mean no one can ever get through to Rob, and the fact that I did, will always shock me to this day.

Embarrassingly, I replied saying it was no big deal. Before Rob could go on, we were interrupted by a large cackle of laughter by one of the guys. Ignoring the group, Rob wiped his eyes quickly and smiled. Rob nodded his head toward the group of guys and said, “should we go and help?”

“Nah.” I said assuring, “They’ve got Donny and Chris covered.”

And with that, Rob and I sat there in peace watching. That was the last conversation I’ve had with Rob before the coma. And the last one I’d ever have with him.

****

To this day I’ve been living in this coma for three months, and two weeks. I’ve been suffering in this coma for the last one week. I feel the end nearing as much as I hate to admit it. My story is coming to an end sadly. As hard as I’ve fought and convinced myself that I’d get out of this. Do I still have hope? Yes I have as much hope as I have. But the thing is, I barely have any left.

I even think Lily is almost convinced. But I know she won’t admit it to my parents and she won’t dare admit it to herself. According to Lily and Michael, my parents have made a date to cut off my life support. In other words, unplug me. I know they mean no harm by doing this action, they just want me to stop suffering. In their minds, even if I do come to life, I won’t be able to talk, or be handicapped. But I know that wouldn’t be true. And to be honest, I want them to take my life away. I think I’m ready for this, to move on to the great beyond. I want them to take just the ounce of life I have left. Earlier on, you would of never caught me saying such words. But now I’m facing the reality of my situation.

I’m beginning to grow weaker when in my head I thought I was growing stronger. My thoughts are becoming more of a whisper than a voice in my head. I’m not saying I’m going to give up. I’m not, I’m just going to accept what life throws at me. And hopefully that life will get thrown in to me to wake up. Everyone’s life is moving on, and I am just being kept in the dark.

Through this whole thinking session in my head, I didn’t even feel Lily’s presence by my side. I just now realized that she’s holding my hand. And that the bright fluorescent light wasn’t on my eye lids. Lily had shut the lights off, and we stayed in the darkness with each other.
****

Today’s the day. I faintly heard one of the nurses ask the doctor. It feels like I’m going deaf because I really have to strain my ears to hear what people are saying now. Before I could hear the sound of breathing as easily as thinking a thought but now I have to try and find the sound.

Last night I felt so brave about my death, I felt strong and ready. Now all of a sudden I feel like a prisoner sentenced to death. Which when you think about it, isn’t that sort of the situation I’m in? I’m not free and I’m in darkness. Isn’t that how a prisoner feels? Obviously they’re not free but they must feel like their darkened by the sorrow of the awful situation they are in.

Hell, if I could move right now, tears would be streaming down my face. Which is strange because I feel like I could squeeze out a few tears any minute now, it feels like something is there. But even in a coma people can’t cry, even I know that. Well at least I think. If the rest of their body won’t work, how will their Lacrimal glands?

I heard somewhere before that hearing is the last sense that goes away after death. Maybe that’s why in movies when someone gets shot, it will sometimes go all quiet, and they’ll only hear their buddy screaming in terror. But what do I know, I’m just a guy in a coma about to experience death.

What’s that noise? I can faintly hear voices outside my room. Barely, for all I know it could be nothing. I’m as deaf as an elder. I’m slowly losing my hearing and getting dementia. Just peachy. Ok, maybe not the dementia part, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Luckily I was right. I hear the door faintly squeak open. I feel the strong over whelming wave of Lily’s presence enter the room. Unfortunately I hear whispers, really the whispers are probably loud voices. I then heard Michael, mom, dad, and many others. The whispering is becoming way too much to bear. The whispers are all infusing together making a high pitched noise. I just want to clap my hands to my ears and tell everyone to shut up for a minute! Just for one minute to actually think for the last few minutes of my life.

The whispering stopped, it’s like they could hear me. Then I thought, just for one millisecond that I actually did clap my hands to my ears and shout shut up. But, if I did, I would see light. But then I heard the doctor faintly speak up in a disciplinary voice, “Just look at yourselves right now. Do you really think Roy would want to hear all of you like this? Yes, majority of you want to keep Roy living, and others think it’s best to let him go for his suffering to stop. I know some of you probably secretly think it’s for the best, but the decision is already made by his parents….”

I’m so thankful that the doctor spoke up to stop all the whispering. Even though his own voice sounds like a whisper, at least I can comprehend what he’s saying. I’m so engrossed in what the doctor is preaching, that I just now noticed that people are sniffling and sobbing. For as long as I’ve been in this coma, very few times I’d hear people cry in front of me. Yes my mom would usually, but very rarely anyone else. Lily would start to, but then she’d leave the room.

It’s the strangest thing hearing people crying all around you and all you see is darkness. It feels like I’m at my funeral all ready, in my casket with everyone gathered around me quietly weeping. What if we were all like this when we die? In our casket underground in complete darkness, can’t move, can’t hear, all we see is darkness. It’s a creepy and a foolish thought. I feel like it’s something Stephen King would right about. But I believe that when I die, I’ll be in a much happier place where I’ll see Rob and Elle again. I won’t have to deal with being blind and partially deaf. I won’t have to hear people crying over me, I could be able to move and finally be in peace.

The doctor stopped talking. All that can be heard is faint sobs. Lily finally blurted out in despair, “I know some of you think this is for the best….but it’s just so hard! And I just have a feeling that this is all wrong!” I have never heard such despair in my life.

I heard the sound of people hugging. Lily sobbed into my mom’s arms, “I’m....I just….I can’t..”

My mom had to have been patting her on the back. Then Lily said something that I haven’t heard her say in I don’t know how many years.

“I….love you mom.” She continued her sobbing. “I’m….I’m supposed to be there for him! I’m his big sister!” This is all so emotional and overwhelming for me I can hardly take it. I need this to end right now.

I heard the doctor walk near my bed. Here it is....the anxiety is here. I can’t be scared, this is my time to go. I already had this thought discussion in my head the other night! But why do I feel like my family and friends are going to let this doctor murder me!?

My dad, who I haven’t even heard until this moment, blurted out “Stop!” He then replied quietly, “I..I see a tear.” Either the room went quiet or I just became deaf, but all I heard was nothing.

All of a sudden I heard Hale, my guardian angel’s voice again, like in the dream I had. I couldn’t see her though. I could feel and see the bright lights from behind my eye lids. It felt so hot that it felt like my eyes were burning.

I faintly heard Hael’s voice pleading “Roy wake up! Wake up! You can do it! We all have faith in you Roy!”

Hael’s pleads slowly turned into Lily’s voice. Wait a second..my dad wasn’t lying or seeing things. I do feel tears running down my cheeks. How is this happening? No, this can’t happen it’s not possible.

Everyone gasped in awe. The tears are making my eyes very moist. I opened my eyes with no effort whatsoever. I squinted them real fast because the light was so excruciatingly bright.

Lily threw her arms around me, and pushed the hair away from my face. I opened my eyes because she had blocked the florescent lights from overhead. But it wouldn’t of mattered even if the lights were off I’d still think it was bright and vision is blurry.

It just hit me like that. Just like when an alarm goes off to wake you up from your deep sleep. I was awake! I could see! I’m not blind or deaf, it just felt that way because I was falling in a long, dark tunnel.

My sight is finally starting to adjust again. The tears on my cheeks began to stick to my skin. The blobs eventually have turned into people. A lot of people. I can make out everyone who is here: Lily, Michael, Mom, Dad, Paul, and Chris. I am speechless, I’m so speechless that I’m still talking in to myself in my head! The only thing I can do at a time like this is laugh. And that’s what I did.

Lily, still teary eyed, put my head in both of her hands and whispered “I knew you could do it.” In Lily’s eyes I saw a flash shine through them. I blinked in amazement and of recognition, not of Lily, but of something else in Lily’s eyes. Before I could think or dwell on it anymore, everyone started crowding around my bed overwhelmed with happiness.

My mom kept repeating over and over again that it’s a miracle. My dad still didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to, I could see everything in his eyes. And to my surprise, the doctor looks the complete opposite of what I have ever imagined him to look like, he actually looked a lot older than what I imagined. He was smiling with great pride and happiness with his wrinkles scrunched together. He nodded to me and I did a head nod back to show my thanks and gratefulness.

With help from my friends and family (and Hale) I overcame the darkness that I was engulfed in. Seeing my friends and family all around me right now laughing and in pure and astonishing awe, makes it hard to believe that I actually thought I was going to die today. But like they say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. And looks like there was a light at the end of my tunnel, Lily was the light.

I was officially in my coma for exactly three months, two weeks, and two days. I woke up on Thursday, June 9, 2009. A day I will never forget.

Today is June 9, 2010. I am 22 now, and I am looking out my bedroom window trying to remember all the emotions I was feeling at this exact time. Right now it’s two o’clock P.M. Last year at this exact time, I waking up from my coma. I shook my head in disbelief and sat on my bed with my head in my hands. My forehead and body started to break out with sweat. I swept my hand against my forehead and mouth and wiped my eyes.

Ever since the coma, I’d go through little episodes like this. It’s no big deal really. I’d have episodes like this any day than have brain injury that most coma patience have when waking from a coma. But the doctor said it was a miracle that I didn’t have any brain injury or end up dead after being in the coma for more than three months.

Coming out of the coma was a miracle. I’ve thought very diligently about exactly what I saw and what exactly heard when I woke up. What I heard was Hael pleading me to wake up. But, then Hael’s voice transitioned into Lily’s voice. And when I woke up, Lily was the first person I saw, and there was a flash in her eyes like something was leaving. I have come to conclusion that Hael was inside Lily the whole time, and that’s why every time Lily walked into the room I could feel the warmth and brightness of Lily’s aura. Really what I was feeling, was Hael’s presence coming out of Lily. When I told Lily all this, she was moved to tears.

A few days out of my coma, my mom and friends told me how the car accident really happened. How it was really Rob’s fault, and not mine. Rob’s suicide made more sense to me now. He committed suicide because he was the one driving the car that landed me in the coma. He not only did that, but he also killed Elle. I found out that she had died instantly from the impact. And the whole time I thought she was living just like me in the darkness. Hearing all this news was very disturbing.

When I really think about all that happened to me, I always come back to the same conclusions: Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did Elle have to die and not me? I don’t know the answer to these questions and I don’t think I ever will.

I hear Lily’s baby girl crying downstairs. She was just born two months ago. Lily never mentioned that she was pregnant with her while I was in my coma.

“Roy! I’m in the kitchen making dinner can you go check on the baby?” My mom called to me.

I stood from my bed and wiped my eyes one more time and smiled. Then I went on my way to go check on baby Hael.