He had only been 7. The lollipop lady hadn’t shown up to help them cross the road, nobody had known why but the school receptionist had taken up the job of lollipop lady for the day.
Jack had been slightly late out of school that day, the teacher had later told me that he stayed to finish his picture- he had been drawing it for me. By the time he reached the school gates the receptionist had gone, there was no one there to help him cross the road.
I should have been there.
I had been waiting further down the road, talking to a friend, I knew he would be able to see me from the school so hadn't worried. My friend, Amanda, had just had a baby and I had been leaning in the car window cooing over the little girl when I heard his scream.
I span round, my heart in my mouth. I saw him straight away. He was just stood there not knowing where to go, a look of pure horror in his eyes as the car loomed over him.
“Mum!” He cried and that was the last word I would ever hear him say. A second passed before the car hit him, it hadn’t felt like a second though, for me it felt like an hour. There was nothing I could do but watch as my little boy was knocked down by the car.

I ran to him then, I ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I was desperate to see my baby alive just one more time and I knew that he wouldn’t be alive for much longer, as much as I couldn’t bear to admit it.
“Jack,” I was screaming by then. “Jack!” I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms but that just made him sick. He threw up once, twice and then retched painfully. I put him down hurriedly but carefully. Then he coughed weakly and his eyes closed, my Jack, my child, gone forever.
I could hear people shouting all around me, running over as if there was anything they could do to help. My hands were trembling now but Jack lay still. I don’t remember much after that, only that by the time the ambulance arrived Jack was gone and there was nothing they could do but sadly shake their heads at me and change my life forever.

I can’t stand the silence in the house, I turn on the TV just to make a noise. I am lonely without Jack. I haven’t got a partner but Jack had filled the house with laughter. I remember that I used to wish for some peace and quiet, now I would give anything to get my noisy house back!
There’s a knock at the door, no doubt another ‘friend’ seeing if I’m okay. The truth is none of them seem like my friends anymore, they tiptoe around me and act as if I could break at any second, I wish they could just act normal not as if I have some rare, exotic disease. The only true friend I have left is Amanda but I can’t bear to be around her anymore, it hurts too much.
The first time I saw her was 2 days after the accident, she hadn’t wanted to come too soon as she didn’t want to seem pushy or get in my way, but as soon as I opened the door to her she had pulled me into a hug. It had been so genuine and heartfelt. That doesn’t change what happened though. If she hadn’t been there I would have been there for him, to help him cross the road, it never would have happened.
After a minute or two of hugging I found the strength to pull away.
“I can’t.” I said, worried that she would be offended. I needn’t have been worried, Amanda just nodded solemnly at me and with a sad little smile she left. She had understood, I still don’t understand how she could have but I knew that she had!

After her visit I couldn’t sit still, as much as I knew she had understood, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had pushed away a real friend. Maybe she was too understanding? Maybe she would never come back now? I wanted to call her to ask her to come back but I couldn’t, it was too painful especially with her new baby. I couldn’t bear it, I had lost my child because I was too busy fussing over somebody else’s.
I stand up and switch the TV off, it was no replacement for Jack. Shakily I walk to the front door and open it, it’s a post man carrying a rather large parcel. I gulp, I know what it is and I don’t want it, it’s the tent I had ordered the day before the accident, it was going to be a surprise for Jack, one of his friends had been camping and Jack had really wanted to try it so I had planned for us to camp out in our garden. I had bought a movie to watch on my portable DVD player and marshmallows, Jack’s favourite, to eat with it.
“I haven’t ordered anything!” I shout at the man as I slam the door in his face. I just have time to see the baffled look on the guys face; he had only been about 16. I hadn’t always been this angry, before I was an easy going person, it had taken a lot to make me angry and I would never shout at a delivery man! I feel sick but after a few deep breaths I force myself to swallow and stay strong, I know what I have to do.

Walking upstairs I assure myself that I can do it, I haven’t been in his bedroom since it happened, a week ago, but today I need to, I need to feel connected to him. I swing open the door and gasp, I wasn’t ready for this. I am overcome by a sudden wave of sickness, I rush to the bathroom and throw up into the toilet. Seeing his fresh uniform set out ready for the next day had brought back memories of my baby, lying there completely still, I could smell the sick, the death and I couldn’t take it. I still don’t understand how he can be gone. No one close to me had ever died before but to be honest I had always wondered how I would cope when I finally had to deal with losing someone. I had never imagined that that someone would be Jack.

I had always been close with my mum and dad. I have a brother as well called James. We never fought and we could always make each other laugh. I had called him my funny big brother when I was little and he had called me his silly little sister!
Mum and dad had eventually moved to Australia after me and James moved out. I knew they had been planning on moving before my brother was born but when he was they decided it would be best for him if they stayed in England. Being in Australia they hadn’t been able to come and see me when Jack was killed but James had driven over from Devon as soon as he heard.
“You shouldn’t be alone at the moment, April.” He had said, and I hadn’t argued, I loved my brother and I hated that he had to live so far away.
Hearing my retching he hurried up the stairs and straight into the bathroom where he stood quietly next to me and swept my hair back out of my face. Calmly he washed it in the sink as I sat there shaking and trying to recover.
“What happened?” He asks once I have calmed down a bit.
“I tried to go into his room...” I reply my shoulders heaving with the effort of holding back the great sobs that threaten to overcome me. James doesn’t say anything he just holds me as I give in and sob, as the tears rolled down my cheeks I let myself wonder if I would ever feel whole again.
“Remember, you don’t have to force yourself to do anything until you’re ready, I can even arrange the funeral for you if you like.” He says but this only makes me cry harder, I haven’t even considered the funeral. My own son’s funeral!
“No! I have to do it.” I am sure of this. I need to say my final goodbyes perfectly. “James?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you go out for awhile, I need to be alone?” I ask hoping he won’t be too worried to leave.
“Umm, yeah sure I’ll be back in an hour unless you call me.” I smile at him weakly as he leaves the bathroom and I hear the door click shut behind him.

I sigh, I was wrong being alone feels worse, I need to talk to someone who understands. Then I realise something, Amanda understood. Forgetting the pain I pick up the phone and punch in her number.
“Hello?” I hear her voice but I can’t make myself answer. “HELLO?” She’s louder this time and I cough and finally reply.
“Hey it’s April, I need to talk can you come over?” I say worried that she’ll say no.
“Yeah, of course, I’ll just drop Amy off at the child minders.” I flinch as she says Amy, her baby’s name, and give a sad little sigh. She has her family. My family is gone. Never the less I am relieved, it would have been much worse if she had turned me down.
“Bye.” I say trying not to sound too miserable.
“See you in a minute.” She replies before ending the call. After putting the phone down I run upstairs, Jack’s bedroom door is shut. James must have closed it so that I didn’t get upset again. I run into my bedroom and collapse onto my bed grabbing my book as I do so. When the pain gets too much I read.
When I am reading I can lose myself in another world, forget everything that has happened to me and become the character. I can lose myself in their problems without having to really deal with their pain.

The doorbell rings and I look up at the clock. An hour has passed! It had felt more like 20 minutes to me. I get up and rub my eyes, I had nearly fallen asleep. Walking to the door I brace myself against the feelings that flood to the surface every time I see her. I open the door and try my hardest to smile.
“Hey.” She says keeping her distance but looking at me as if to ask permission to hug me. I fling my arms around her and smile, temporarily forgetting, she looks surprised but hugs me back clearly relieved.
“Hey.” I reply. “Come on in!” I am still managing to keep a straight face, it is hard but it feels good to smile.
She follows me into the living room and then offers to make me some tea, I accept and sip it happily when she brings it in. Then we talk for a while about random gossip, she seemed to sense that I wasn’t ready to talk about Jack straight away.
“How can you understand?” I blurt before I can stop myself.
“Understand what?” She asks looking genuinely confused.
“How I’m feeling?” I reply, feeling guilty for asking so openly. “You seem to know exactly how to act around me but you don’t treat me like I’m some kind of freak like everyone else does.”
“Oh.” She looks down at the floor.
“Is it something private? You don’t have to tell me if it is.” I say, realising how forward I was being.
“No! I want to tell you... it’s just a bit difficult for me.” She reply’s before taking a deep breath and beginning. “It all happened 3 years ago, a year before I moved here. I... I had... I had a son!” I gasp and then cover my mouth with a hand to try and cover it. “It’s ok.” She says smiling at the guilty look on my face. “He was 7 the same age as Jack was. He would have been 10 today.” She paused and took another deep breath. I put a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. “But he got meningitis; he died in the middle of the night. They had told me that he probably wouldn’t make it till morning so I had decided to stay in the hospital and hold his hand through the night, but I fell asleep. I woke up to find doctors and nurses surrounding his bed, frantically trying to revive him... they couldn’t.” Amanda broke down and I held her, she is crying on my shoulder and I am crying on hers, I feel only a mutual pain for both of our losses when I look at her now, none of the anger I felt before.

When we have both calmed slightly Amanda starts to speak again.
“That’s why I moved here, it hurt too much to live in the same house that I had raised him in. There were too many memories.” She explains. “All of my old friends started treating me differently afterwards and that’s why I never told anyone here, I didn’t want them to change as well.”
“I feel the same only I can’t leave this house. I have nowhere to go, I haven’t got enough money to move.” I say sighing, I had thought hard about this, considering all the options but there is no way I can move.
“I have a spare room.” Amanda says. “You can move in as soon as your ready, I understand if you need more time here but my door is open whenever you need me.”
“I need to stay here for a bit longer but when I am ready I would love to come and live with you.” I say struggling to sound excited. I do really want to move in but I cannot bear the thought of leaving Jack behind.
“You can bring some of Jacks things, whatever you want to bring I will find space for it, don’t leave anything behind if you feel you need it.” She says as if she had heard my thoughts, I feel as if she has saved me.

2 years later:
Over the next year Amanda helped me fight through my pain and to plan a funeral for Jack. It was a small occasion, my parents flew back to England from Australia, James who had gone home drove up from Devon and Amanda came to help me through it.
After a year I was finally ready to move in with Amanda and Amy, who is now my god daughter! Living with Amanda is amazing I can always count on her to understand and keep me company on bad days. I still miss Jack each and every day but I’m ok because I am no longer alone. I feel alive again!