Friday- Oct. 24, 2017

I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart to think of you. It’s like you play with my head, you make me feel worthless. Still, I love you. It seems I can never stop thinking about you. I can’t go a day without imagining you by my side. Whenever I can’t see you I’m down, I’m depressed- I worry. You meant the world to me, and I never got to show you. I would’ve done anything for you. Whenever I think of you my mind goes blank; I stutter, mispronounce, or just have no words at all. You make me speechless. Thinking about you, I’m hurt mentally. You are no longer here and it’s all my fault. I wish I didn’t stop you from living your life. I wish you were still here by my side.

At seventeen years of age, you’d think I’d have myself together. Nope, but now I have a “you” for all of my years. Happy Birthday, me.

Yours Truly…

***

Bradley Cade

“Tough week, Brad?” Robert had a true look of concern on his face.

“Well, it hasn’t been the most stress-free week. Chrystal was due Wednesday, but nothing yet.” I continued to sip at my steaming coffee hoping it would wake me up.

“Everything’s going to be alright. Don’t stress yourself out too much. Just think, last day of teaching then you’ve got all weekend to wait for your baby.”

“We can’t keep waiting forever, Robert.” I rubbed my eyes in frustration. He came closer then patted on my shoulder.

“Everything will be fine. Calm down and try to enjoy your day. Some students actually look forward to being in your class.” Robert gave me a playful push and smiled.

“Oh, shut up,” I sarcastically responded while forcing a smile. “Some people actually do enjoy learning math.”

“Right, all of the nerds who talk like this-,” he changed his voice to sound like Urkel and said, “Hello, I’m a very intelligent math expert who can’t wait to get to class. What would I do with myself if

I didn’t learn anything today? Gasp!” Robert held his right hand over his chest. His green eyes widened as if he were in shock. “Oh wait,” he said in his normal voice. “I forgot to fix my short, black, messy hair. Yes, it is necessary to be this descriptive because I am such a genius!” We both broke into deep laughter. When I was calm enough I said,

“For every class I have there are about one or two students who act exactly like that.” We both paused and stared at each other, then laughed even harder than the first time. For the first time today, I was actually in a good mood.

***

Friday- Oct. 24, 2017

This morning, when I thought of you I wanted to kill myself. I figured it would be an everlasting birthday present. I thought about driving my car off a bridge on my way home from school. It’s not like I’m going to be busy or anything. I don’t like to celebrate my birthday. It’s just another crappy day added to my list.

As you already know, my life began like this:

I was born October 24, 2000 in Santo Domingo, the capitol of the Dominican Republic. You were already three years old. We both were accidents. When people have a little too much to drink they tend to forget what’s really going on. One day, I remember you asked mom,

“Ma, how many kids did you originally want?”

“None,” she’d say, giving us proof that we were both accidents. Anyways, let me finish my little autobiography.

After four years of growing up in the Dominican Republic, our parents, Antonio and Elizabeth, decided to move here to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Why? Mom’s sister, Mayra, was dying of cancer. We came to visit and ended up staying instead. I remember you being upset, but that’s all. I was too young to remember anything else. Tia Mayra ended up dying three months after we came, but mom and pop were happy here, so we stayed.

Four years later I was eight and you were eleven. We were happy. You were always there to make me smile and play with me. Every time I got into trouble, you’d always take my side. You talked to me and listened whenever I was sad and needed someone to cry to. Whenever mom and pop would fight you kept me safe under your arms like a guardian angel hiding me from all danger I were to see with my eyes opened. You were there to keep me from crying when mom died of cancer too, just like Tia Mayra. You were my only true friend, my only true family, my brother, and I killed you. I killed you, and I am so sorry I did. I am so sorry you didn’t get to live your life because of me. I am so sorry that my sorry doesn’t fix a single thing.

Yours Truly…

***

Bradley Cade

“To understand this concept you must first follow these rules.” I turned towards the class to find everyone’s head up, except one. Arializ shockingly had her head down. She appeared to be writing something. Every few seconds she would roughly rub her cheeks as if she was rubbing away tears. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should say something, but I didn’t want to put her on the spot.

By the end of class she had already begun to pay attention. When the bell rang I said, “Don’t forget to bring your homework assignment the next time I see you. Everyone is free to leave, except Arializ.” I looked at her and said, “I need to speak with you privately.” Her bright green eyes widened as she moved a small portion of her brownish-reddish hair out of her face.

“Me?” She questioned in a quiet tone.

“Yes, you.” I said sternly. “Please, come here.” Arializ slowly gathered the few books on her desk and nervously walked towards me. When she stood a foot away from my desk and the room was empty, I asked her, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah- Yes, I mean. Yes, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You didn’t seem to be paying attention the first half of class. What were you doing?” I could see her forehead begin to shine. She seemed so tense.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she said. “I was just writing some stuff down.”

“Was it math related? Last time I checked, none of my students have ever cried over math before.” Arializ looked down at the floor and kept her head down. “If there’s something wrong, you know you can come and talk to me.” Just as I finished my sentence some students came walking through the door. Arializ’s head popped up to see who was coming.

“I’m sorry, she said. It won’t happen again. Everything is fine but I do appreciate your concern. If you’ll excuse me I need to get to my next class.” Just like that she walked out of my room. The other students flooding into my classroom delayed me from stopping her. I couldn’t believe I let her go after she lied to me.

***

Friday- Oct. 24, 2017

I thought about you so much today that I cried for you. My math teacher, Mr. Cade, noticed. I was worried he was going to take my journal away. These are all of my secrets, all of my permanent stories. They can’t be erased. Let me admit something to you. I write everything in this journal with pen. That’s because it’s permanent; it's there forever, and I can't forget. Once it’s down, it can’t be taken away. That’s a fact of life.

Yours Truly…

Saturday- Oct. 25, 2015

Pop, you were wasted this morning. You could barely walk straight and your eyes were bloodshot red. Your short black hair was all messed up as if you haven’t combed it for days. I could tell you didn’t shave your face for a while either. You also never bothered to put on a shirt nor shoes. Your pants had holes in them and when you tried speaking to me your tongue slurred. I couldn’t understand a single word that came out of your mouth.

“Why don’t you sit down,” I asked you. You unsteadily pulled out a chair from the dining room table and plopped yourself down. Then you turned to look at me and said,

“Babe, you’re alive.” You thought I was mom. Your eyes began to water as you stared at me in amazement.

“No, Pop. It’s me, Arializ.” I tried to explain myself to you but you wouldn’t listen.

“You’re alive,” you said again. Then you placed your hand on my cheek. You brought tears to my eyes. I witnessed how much you missed her.

“Pop, it’s me.” I tried to explain to you while slowly moving your hand away from my face. 

“No!” You slammed your whiskey bottle on the ground causing shattered glass to spread all over the floor.

“Pop, please-”

“Why are you lying to me,” you questioned me with a stern voice. I tried taking a few steps back but you didn’t want to let me leave. “Why are you trying to leave me, babe?” You began walking towards me with an unhappy facial expression. “All this time you’ve been gone and now you want to leave again! Stay with me! Stay here,” you screamed in my face. You stood a few inches away from me then grabbed the back of my head. “Stay with me,” you begged as a tears fell from your eyes.  Then you tried to give me a kiss but I broke free from your arms.

“Pop, it’s me!” This time you were infuriated. You quickly walked towards me and grabbed my arms before I could guard myself. Then you slammed down onto the glass filled floor. I could feel little pieces of glass enter the right side of my face. My head felt like someone was taking a hammer to it over and over again. The last thing I remember seeing was you on top of me, then everything went dark.

I’m writing this now because I can’t stop crying. I’m here in bed with a bloody pillow, and a knife by my side.

Yours Truly…

Sunday- Oct.26, 2017

I understand why we drifted apart. I understand what causes us to be this way. Pop, you and I used to be best friends and now you hate me. All you want to do is beat me. I don’t understand what I am anymore. I don’t understand my importance in this world anymore. Two weeks ago, in the ER, you and I knew I was on the verge of death. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone was taking my lungs and squeezing the life out of them. My eyes were all teary and red. To be honest with you, I was afraid. I thought of mom and Armani. I didn’t deserve to live, yet, I survived. In the end, when the nurse came in and said I would be alright, I was a little upset. You know why? I kind of hoped that would be my last breath. I was longing for something to try and kill me because then I wouldn’t have to deal with “us” anymore.

I understand why we can never be on the same page. Down deep, I used to believe we were alike in many ways, but I guess not. I honestly don’t know who the monster is in this “relationship”, but something tells me that I am. I hope you know I understand you! You’re not the only one who lost someone you loved in life! Let alone, killed one of them! Please, look at me like you used to. Look at me as if you still care that I am your daughter. Look at me as if you want me alive! All I want is my pop back. You treat me like I’m invisible! Please, just come home! Stop wasting your life with alcohol and drugs! They’re not going to change anything! Just come home and be the father I need! I miss us. You’re all I’ve got left in this world. If I were to hate you, how would I be fixing anything? Please, just come home. I need you. I need to know my purpose in life. I can’t take this anymore.

You know what my prayers are at night?

“God, please bring back my purpose in life. Remind me, because I don’t want to keep believing I’m the monster; that I don’t deserve to live.”

Yours Truly…

Monday-Oct. 27, 2017

I found out my math teacher, Mr. Cade, wasn’t going to be here because his wife, Chrystal, had their baby yesterday morning. They named him Brandon Jay Cade. I’m glad for the both of them. Hopefully this would keep Mr. Cade from remembering our strange encounter from Friday. I really don’t need him worrying about me, or have anyone else worrying for that matter. If anyone finds out what’s in this journal my life would turn upside down. No body realizes that when they try to give a suffering person help, they struggle even more because their insecurities are out in the open. Not only that, but families could be separated. I couldn’t see my dad taking care of himself without me. He needs me; sadly, he doesn’t realize how much I need him.

Yours Truly…

***

Bradley Cade

“Hey! Congrats man!” Robert excitingly shouted to me in the teacher’s lounge.

“Thanks, man.”

“Well, why do you sound so monotone on this wonderful Tuesday?” See, this is one thing I love about Robert; he’s always so animated, even on the long bad days.

“Nothing, I just need some more sleep. You know the normal needs of a new father.” Robert gave me a comforting slap on the back.

“Don’t worry. You’ll eventually get all of the rest you need.

“Well, I guess,” I responded. We couldn’t really talk much. After all, we had classes to teach and we were already running behind. 

Between the timespan of me leaving the teacher’s lounge to my first class, I got eleven congratulations from a few teachers in the building. It felt great to be a dad to a newborn baby.

***

Tuesday- Oct. 28, 2017

This morning I thought of you. I remembered the day when mom was dying. She lied in her bed peacefully resting. Pop, you, and I stood by her side. Pop’s head was down, it has been ever since. You had one hand in mom’s and your other arm around me. I didn’t understand too much of the situation, but you would always try to give me the best of news. You-

***

Bradley Cade

“Congratulations, Mr. Cade,” my students enthusiastically shouted as I entered the room. I let out a large smile and said,

“Thank you. I really appreciate it, guys.” Then the whole class began to clap and yell with excitement. After a few seconds of noise I quieted them down. “Alright, let’s settle down now. So today we will be learning about-” I heard two people raising their voices at each other in the back of the room.

“Give it to me!” Arializ held her hand out as if she wanted something returned to her.

“Hey! What are you screaming about?” I questioned her. The both of them stopped and looked up at me with wide eyes. I noticed one side of Arializ’s face was bruised and scratched up, but she kept her hair in the way thinking no one would notice.

“I accidently dropped my journal on floor when everyone started shouting,” Arializ began. “Then Jordan picked it up and started flipping through all of my private entries. I asked him to give it back but he refused.”

“What were you doing writing now anyways? I thought I told you I wanted you focused on math. You don’t journal on my time. Jordan, give me the notebook.” He stood up from his chair with a wide grin on his face. Arializ had a worried look on her face. Then she rubbed her head with frustration.

“Thank you, Jordan,” I said when he handed me the notebook. “You, young lady,” I said to Arializ, “will get this back when you show me you can pay attention more in class. Until then it’s mine. Next time you both decide to have a childish argument- detention.” Arializ sunk her head into her arms.

I wondered what was in this notebook that made her so concerned. I slammed it onto my desk. When I looked up everyone’s eyes were wide open and it was dead silent in the room.

When the final bell of the day rang my students exited from my classroom like a stampede. I looked back towards my desk. Arializ’s journal was still sitting there untouched. When my classroom was empty, I threw myself backwards onto my chair and picked up her journal. I just stared at the plain black cover thinking to myself, Put in down. Don’t read it! It’s none of your business. I took a deep breath and placed her journal back on my desk. Trying to avoid reading it, I started distracting myself with other tasks. I graded papers, cleaned up around the classroom, and once I finished I got my things together to go home.

Just as I was about to walk out of the door I felt the strong temptation hit me again. I dropped my stuff right next to the front door, walked towards my desk, sat down, and opened up the journal to the first entry. It was dated Oct. 23, 2017. Shockingly, Arializ didn’t have the journal for too long. The first sentence stated; I want to kill myself.

I’ve imagined taking a gun and holding it to the side of my head, debating whether or not I’m strong enough to pull the trigger. I’ve thought about all of those people in my life that wouldn’t even recognize if I were gone or not. I’ve imagined-

The more I continued to read Arializ’s journal, the more worried and concerned I became. I couldn’t believe what I was taking in; she is suicidal. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go further. I placed the journal on my desk, sat back in my chair, and took a deep breath. My heart felt like it was about to pop out of my chest. Maybe that’s why her faced is all bruised up. Is she abusing herself? I couldn’t

think straight. My mind wasn’t where it needed to be. I was stunned at what I was finding out.

I can’t tell you how many times in the past I’ve tried to keep my balance, but I still fell.

We don’t fit in anywhere because we don’t belong anywhere. We have no place in this world because we have no purpose.

Yours Truly…

“Oh my God,” I whispered to myself. What am I going to do? My eyes began to sting. I felt like there was something in my throat trying to slow down my breathing. My heart was still beating as fast as a race horse moves. I threw Arializ’s journal back on my desk and shut my eyes. What am I supposed to do? I thought to myself. God, what do I do?

The following day I came to school with only Arializ on my mind. She kept me worried all day. When I saw her in class she kept her head down almost the whole time. She didn’t even want to look at me. I knew she despised me. I just stripped away her venting system. Therefore, she had a reason to be mad at me. Luckily, this is the last hour of the day. I planned to speak to her when it was over.

When the bell rang all of my students quickly walked out of my classroom. Just as Arializ was about to walk out, I said, “Arializ, please stay here.” She stopped right where she was and slowly turned around to face me. I sat down in my chair and motioned for her to stand in front of my desk. She nervously walked towards my desk and asked,

“Is something wrong, Mr. Cade?” I looked up at her and noticed the bruised section of her face

once more. I took a deep breath and boldly asked,

“What happened to the side of your face?” She was thrown back by the question.

“I uh- I was playing volleyball with a couple of friends out of school and uh… My friend and I were going after the same ball and didn’t call it. That’s when I got this.” She pointed at the injured portion of her face. I knew she was lying. She was hesitating and her voice sounded shaky. I chuckled then asked her,

“Are you going to tell me the truth or not?” Arializ looked down at the floor but didn’t respond. “Or am I just going to have to try to look for something in here?” I grabbed her journal from the top drawer of my desk. She looked up at me with wide eyes. Arializ had no clue what to say. She knew I would be able to tell if she was lying or not.

“Trust me, you don’t want to read any of that. It’s filled with a bunch of boring stuff that will put you to sleep. You see, I’m not that great of a writer.”

“Arializ, you can tell me what happened. I’m only asking because I care. I stared into her large green eyes. They began to water, but she was refusing to let one tear drop.

“Nothing happened, Mr. Cade. At least, nothing that’s worth talking about. Again, I appreciate you concern. If you’ll excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just that my dad will be expecting me soon. I gotta go.” She quickly jogged out of the room.

“Wait-” I tried stopping her but she kept on moving. I sighed and leaned back into my chair. Once more, it was just the journal and I. Maybe there actually was something in here that explained how she

received her injuries. I flipped open the notebook to the second entry.

Friday- Oct. 24, 2017

I can’t tell you how much it breaks my heart to think of you. It’s like you play with my head, you make me feel worthless. Still, I love you. It seems I can never stop thinking about you. I can’t go a day without imagining you by my side. Whenever I can’t see you I’m down, I’m depressed- I worry. You meant the world to me, and I never got to show you. I would’ve done anything for you.

Is she in love? I continued to read. Towards the end it read;

You are no longer here and it’s all my fault. I wish I didn’t stop you from living your life. I wish you were still here by my side.

At seventeen years of age, you’d think I’d have myself together. Nope, but now I have a “you” for all of my years. Happy Birthday, me.

This entry confused me. Did she kill someone? “‘You’ for all my years”? Why would she think of something like this on her birthday? I stopped and thought about it for a moment. Most of the “you” that were written were underlined. I counted all of them and there were seventeen total. Clever, “you” for all her years. Who is “you”? I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I don’t understand her. Hoping to get more clarification on the subject, I flipped the page to read the next entry. The date was the same. She must’ve had a lot to say on her special day.

This morning, when I thought of you I wanted to kill myself. I figured it would be an everlasting birthday present. I thought about driving my car off the bridge on my way home from school. It’s not like I’m going to be busy or anything. I don’t like to celebrate my birthday. It’s just another crappy day added to my list.

She hated her birthday. I was shocked. Who hates their birthday?

As you already know, my life began like this-

She began telling her story. That’s when I saw it. I finally found what I was looking for.

You were my only true friend, my only true family, my brother, and I killed you. I killed you, and I am so sorry I did. I am so sorry you didn’t get to live your life because of me. I am so sorry that my sorry doesn’t fix a single thing.

Yours Truly…

I could feel my eyes begin to sting again. A tear slid down the side of my face.  It was like I could feel her emotion jumping out of the page. She is hurting. She is in so much pain and won’t let me help her. This poor child. I know she feels terrible. Arializ killed her own brother. How? I can’t even imagine the burden she’s carrying on her shoulders. Every day she must wake up and think about it. She loved her brother because he was the only true family she ever had. Now I understand why she’s so wrecked, why she wishes to kill herself. The question is still running through my mind, how? Why?

I didn’t even want to look at the journal the following morning. Every chance I could get I stayed away from my desk. I didn’t know what to do. Arializ needs help, professional help. It would be wrong to find someone without her knowing. They could strip her from her home if they find something wrong. Especially if she may be abusing herself. I wouldn’t want her to be taken away from her father. That’s all she has left at the moment. She’s all HE has left. I feel like I need to scream. My mind isn’t in the right place. In the physical I am here, but not mentally. Mentally, I am off in a whole other world. 

“Hey, Brad.” Robert said as he walked into the teachers’ lounge. It was lunch time. “Haven’t seen you in here for a while. Where’ve you been?”

“Uh, you know, just been busy. It’s a little harder to grade the class work with Brandon screaming his head off at night. Lately, I’ve been taking my lunch time to finish grading.” The stack of papers sitting next to me was my proof. 

“Oh, I see. Hey, you’ll be getting your rest soon enough.” Robert said while giving me a playful punch. It was silent for a moment, but then he asked, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, man, why do you ask?”

“Well, you just don’t seem like yourself today. You sure you’re feeling fine?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”

“No problem,” Robert said while walking out of the room. 

As I walked out of the teachers’ lounge I rubbed my eyes. Then took a sip of my coffee hoping it

would wake me up. I was so exhausted. Teaching was difficult at first. I wasn't really get into things. So far, three students have come up to me just to ask if I was alright. “Was it really this obvious,” I thought to myself. 

Later that afternoon, I had Arializ's class. Once more, she kept her eyes off of me. At the end of class, I didn't even ask to speak with her. She just walked up to my desk and asked, 

“Mr. Cade, is it okay if I speak with you privately?” She looked desperate and depressed. I noticed the side of her face was healing fine, which was good. 

“Yeah, no problem. What would you like to talk about?” 

“Well, I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“Yes?” 

“If it's okay with you, can I please have my journal back?” I was shocked she asked me. For a moment, I actually believed she was going to open up to me, but I guess not. I hesitated to speak at first, but when the right words came along I said,

“The other day when I asked what was going on you didn't answer. You just walked out of the room. For the last two classes you wouldn't even look at me. How do expect me to believe that you're paying attention. What proof have you given me that you’re ready to have your journal back? First, you need to tell me what’s going on. Every time I try to speak with you, you push me away. You have to tell me something. What’s been going on with you lately?” I pretended not to know. I wanted to help her but I didn't want her to know I read her journal.

“I am paying attention. It's just hard to look at you because you took something important to me. Everything in that journal is very dear to me. There’s many things said that are no one’s business.” I just looked up at her in silence. “Look, I would like to tell you, but I just can’t. It’s a bit too personal for anyone to know. Please, you must understand.” I continued starring into her bright green eyes. She was hurting. 

“I’m sorry, but not yet. You need to do a better job of showing me you’re ready.” Arializ sighed before she said,

“Alright, but can you promise me one thing?”

“What’s that,” I questioned.

“Whatever you do, promise me you won’t read it. I would really appreciate it if my things stay private.” I hesitated to answer. Crap! “Oh my God. You read some of it, didn’t you?” I stayed quiet and looked down at the floor. “How could you? Why- why-” She was struggling to speak to me. I could tell she didn’t know how to express herself very well.

“Hey, calm down.” I stood up from my chair. Arializ looked up at me with teary eyes. For some reason, every time I spoke with her, she was always sad or upset about something. She knew how to control her tears, though. “Listen, I needed to know what was distracting you so much. I-”

“That doesn’t mean you go snooping into my things. I can’t believe you did that.”

“Please, just listen to me. I only read the first three entries. I didn’t go any further.” 

“ONLY the first three. Oh my God,” she whispered as she put her head down.

“I understand you’re upset, but-”

“No, I’m actually not upset. I feel violated. I-I…” She had no words. Her hand was roughly running through her hair with frustration.

“Look, you-” Just as I was about to tell her something, students came rushing through my classroom door. Arializ looked towards the other students nervously. “You can come by later so we can finish talking about this.”

“There really is nothing to talk about.”

“Well, it wasn’t a question. I expect you to be here when that last bell of the day rings. You are excused.”

When the last bell of the day rang all of my students were eager to leave. After all, it is a Friday. I patiently waited alone in my classroom for four minutes before I noticed someone standing at the door. It was Arializ. “Please, come sit down.” I pointed to a chair that I placed in front of my desk. She nervously walked towards the chair then she sat herself down, and tossed her belongings on the floor beside her. “Look,” I just got straight to the point. “I really want to help you,” I said sincerely, “but I can’t do that unless you let me.” Arializ stared into my eyes but didn’t say a word. “Ignoring me is not going to help you. I hope you know, if anyone else were to find this you would be taken away from here in a blink of an eye. Arializ, please, let me help you.”

“I don’t understand why you want to help me. You say you’ve read the first three pages already. Why didn’t you just turn me in?”

“I want to help you because I care about my students. I haven’t said a word to anyone about this because I knew the consequences. In here,” I lifted her journal up for the both of us to see, “you’re right. I may not understand you. Yes, I haven’t experienced being suicidal, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give you a chance to say your side of the story. That doesn’t mean I can’t take the time to get to know you and aid you. I’m sure that’s something we’d both prefer to do rather than to see you taken away from your home. I understand that you may not feel comfortable doing this, but please just let me help you.” I paused for a moment. Then I said, “I want to know what happened to the side of your face- the truth.” I waited for an answer. Arializ was silent for a moment, but then she said,

“It’s all in there. Everything you need to know is in there. Heck, you’ve already read the first three entries. What harm will reading the rest do?”

“Ok. Well, I appreciate you giving me something. Next question, before I go on to reading this, is why do you mention killing Armani? It’s your brother, right?” Arializ took a deep breath. I noticed her eyes begin to tear up a bit.

“I, uh,” she was struggling to speak, “I don’t think that’s something we should be discussing at the moment.” With that, I left the subject alone. Something terrible must’ve happened. “Can I make a deal with you?”

“What is it?”

“Once you’re done reading it all I get to have it back.”

“Okay, deal.” I opened her notebook to the fourth entry. It was dated Friday- Oct. 24, 2017. She spoke about how she cried for her brother. Then she explained how significant her permanent writings were. The message was very deep. Once I finished that entry, I continued onto the following day. It read;

Saturday- Oct. 25, 2015

Pop, you were wasted this morning. You could barely walk straight and your eyes were bloodshot red. Your short black hair was all messed up as if you haven’t combed it for days. I could tell you didn’t shave your face for a while either. You also never bothered to put on a shirt nor shoes. Your pants had holes in them and when you tried speaking to me your tongue slurred. I couldn’t understand a single word that came out of your mouth.

As I began reading this entry, I had a strange feeling this would explain her bruised face.

“No!” You slammed your whiskey bottle on the ground causing shattered glass to spread all over the floor.

“Pop, please-”

“Why are you lying to me,” you questioned me with a stern voice.

Her story was bringing tears to my eyes. Arializ was practically living hell on earth.

“Pop, it’s me!” This time you were infuriated. You quickly walked towards me and grabbed my arms before I could guard myself. Then you slammed down onto the glass filled floor. I could feel

little pieces of glass enter the right side of my face. My head felt like someone was taking a hammer to it over and over again. The last thing I remember seeing was you on top of me, then everything went dark.

I’m writing this now because I can’t stop crying. I’m here in bed with a bloody pillow, and a knife by my side.

Yours Truly…

I looked up at her in sympathy. “So that’s what happened.” Arializ only nodded at me. I completely misjudged her. We talked for about an hour just on this entry alone. She opened up to me and poured her heat out like nothing I’ve ever seen before. She shared her largest fears with me, her concerns, and her relationship with her father- many things. We both cried together and even had a few laughs together. I did the best of my ability to try and respond, to try and make her feel comfortable knowing that she can make a difference as to what situation she’s in today. By the end of the hour and a half we spent talking to each other, I felt better about everything. I was glad to get to speak to Arializ because I felt like I was the one person she could trust. The one person who would always be here for her to count on.

***

Friday- Oct. 31, 2017

Today an event I expected to be a disaster turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Armani, you would be proud of me. I actually found someone who listens and knows exactly what to say whenever I explain my troubles. At first it was difficult. I didn’t really know how to express myself well. I’m so used

to writing to you, it seemed I forgot how to talk to other people. When I got the hang of being open I just let myself go. I didn’t say much about you, though. I’m still too ashamed. Every time I think about it, I know I don’t deserve to be walking on this earth. The person I spoke to is very curious to know. I can see it in their eyes. Maybe I’m just not ready to be that open yet, I don’t know. One thing I do know for sure is that maybe God has sent me my remedy. Maybe, just maybe, I’m drawing near to the end of all my struggles with their help. I’ve now got someone new to stand by my side.

Yours Truly…

***

Bradley Cade

“Hey, do you know if you can help me out with something,” Arializ asked me as she walked through the door. This was the third Friday in a row that we met after school to talk. If she had any troubles or concerns, whether it was with school or home issues, she would come and talk to me about it. I noticed she seemed to be in much better moods. I caught her smiling once or twice which was something that never happened. I made her a deal. I told her I’ve noticed how much her behavior has changed, and how much she improved over the course of the past couple weeks. Since she was doing better, I told her I didn’t want to turn her in. I said I understood why she doesn’t want to be taken away from her home, but if some abusive behavior ever took place with her dad again, I would be calling the police. She agreed.

“Yeah, sure, no problem. What is it?”

“It’s this.” She opened her book bag and pulled out a book. It was To Kill a Mocking Bird.

The cover brought back memories of when I read it in high school. I didn’t understand or care for it too much until I understood its true meaning. “Mr. Ortiz wants us to explain why Harper Lee chose this specific title: To Kill a Mockingbird. I read the whole book but I couldn’t really understand the point she was trying to make.”

“Alright, well take a seat and let’s look at the facts here.” I began questioning her about the characters and the main events that took place in the story. “Have you ever thought about it as an important character rather than the mocking bird itself?” She paused for a moment.

“No, I actually haven’t. It must be Boo. After all, he plays a huge roll in this story.”

“Okay, we’re getting somewhere now. You’re correct, but why? Why would the author relate him to a mocking bird?” Arializ began thinking out loud.

“Let’s see…everyone pinned him out to be a monster when really he wasn’t. He put blankets over the kids while they were watching their neighbors’ house burn down. He left gifts for the children. Heck, he saved Jem and Scout. He carried Jem to their house after they had finished being attacked. Boo was the whole reason they survived; the whole reason Scout still had her brother and Atticus has his son. He was like the children’s guardian angel.” Arializ’s voice lowered as she held her head down. She was beginning to see the point but she didn’t seem too happy about.

“What’s wrong,” I asked. Arializ wouldn’t look up at me. She just sat in the chair while roughly rubbing her hands together.  “What’s wrong,” I asked her again. This time she lifted her head. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

“I just wish my brother was still here,” she said softly. “I miss him so much.”

“What happened?”

“I, uh, I-” She had no words. “I, uh-nothing. Nothing happened.” She wiped the tears off her face while shaking her head, ‘no’. “Shall we continue?” Just as she was about to proceed her thoughts, I stopped her and said,

“Nothing is going to make you feel better until you let it out. You can tell me. I thought you trust me,” I boldly pointed out. Arializ placed her book on my desk and gave me a serious facial expression.

“This is just something I can’t share with you. I’m sorry. I do trust you, but every time I think about it I can’t live with myself.”

“Which is why you should let me help you.” I pushed on the subject. “Please, Arializ, you need-”

“I don’t need to do anything!” She started shouting out of nowhere.

“Okay,” I stood up. “Calm down, please. There’s no need to shout. Let’s just continue-”

“No,” she interrupted me. I could feel my anger boiling up inside. “I’ll figure it out on my own. Excuse me, but I’m leaving.” She began gathering her belongings.

“Why don’t you just tell me what happened?!?” I slightly raised my voice when I asked her. She was just about to walk out of my room, but then stopped. She turned around, dropped her book bag on the floor in anger, and shouted,

“Because I killed him!” My eyes widened. Her entries about him weren’t lies. She actually killed her own brother. Arializ covered her face with her hands as she sobbed. “I killed him,” she said quietly. “It was an accident.” She slowly lifted her tear filled eyes and looked directly into mine. I could feel my

eyes starting to sting. My legs felt like they were becoming unstable. “I swear to you it was an accident.” Arializ sobbed some more before she began telling her story.

“I was eight years old when it happened. My brother, Armani, was about to turn twelve the following month. It was the last week of August and we were celebrating my dad’s birthday. We threw a huge party. I remember Armani, a few of my cousins, and I were playing outside. Armani was the oldest of us all. We were all taking turns getting horseback rides on Armani’s back. He was the tallest, making him most enjoyable to ride on.

“Well, it was my cousin’s turn and I, uh, I was very impatient.” She paused for a moment. Her eyes began to tear up a bit more. “I cut off my cousin and jumped on Armani’s back when he wasn’t expecting it. I wrapped my arms around his throat and my legs around his waist to stay up. When I did that, he grabbed my hands and pulled them apart causing me to drop to the ground. Armani fell to the ground holding his throat. He struggling so hard to breathe. I dislocated his esophagus and, uh, I killed him.” Arializ wouldn’t stop crying. “I killed him.” She continued to shake her head in disbelief. I walked up to her and held her in my arms trying to comfort her. “I’m so sorry. God, I am so sorry.” She continued to cry in my arms. We both stood near the entrance of my classroom in tears.

“It’s alright.” I attempted to comfort her. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

***

Friday-Nov. 14, 2017

It’s 2:30 in the morning right now. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. I told him everything. Was that wrong of me? I can’t seem to think straight right now. I am so sick of having to live

like this. I am so sick of being reminded that I hurt you, that I stopped you from living your life to the fullest. What am I doing? This isn’t right. Maybe it’s just time that I let you go. I will forever have this burden on my shoulders, but I refuse to let this control my life. I will always love you, but I will never be able to have you. I wish you could just walk down the stairway from heaven so I could see you once more. You have my heart. 

Yours Truly…

***

Bradley Cade

The following Monday morning seemed to drag. When the last hour of the day came everyone seemed to be relieved. I had Arializ’s class the final hour. She seemed fine when she walked in the room. I smiled at everyone when they walked in, shockingly, she slightly smiled back. It made me feel better to know that she was feeling fine.

“Alright, guys. Today we will be going over how to-” All of a sudden the our secretary’s voice boomed out of the announcement speakers,

“This is a code red! Again, this is a code red! This is not a drill!” That’s when the first shot was fired. Everyone heard it through the loud speakers. My class looked around at each other with fear in their eyes- all except Arializ. She looked up at me with a look of concern. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down before I told my students,

“Listen to me. You all need to calm down. You’ve all been through the drills a million times for

situations like these. Now let’s go. Everyone against the wall. I shut off all the lights in my classroom, put down every shade, and locked my front door as all of my students sped towards the wall where no one would be able to see them. For as hard as I was trying to keep everyone else calm, my heart was beating so fast that I felt like I was going to faint. I could feel little drops of sweat gliding down the side of my face and on my chest. I constantly kept rubbing my hands against my slacks, doing everything I could to calm myself down.

We were only seated for a couple of seconds before we heard another gunshot. Screams followed the thundering noise. My heart began to race a little faster, they were getting louder. Many more of my students’ heads were down, including Arializ’s. She was nearest to the front door hugging her legs while her head rested on the top of her knees. Others kept their head up, looking all around the room as if something was going to pop out and grab them.

It was silent for one more minute. A large bang on my front door startled everyone. It felt like my heart stopped for a moment. When I glanced to see what it was, I noticed one of my student’s faces. It was Jordan. “What in the world is he doing in the hallway,” I thought to myself.

“Help me! Please, help me, Mr. Cade!” He continued to bang on my front door impatiently. I became worried because I knew someone would hear. My students’ eyes widened. They were all curious to know what I was going to do. Everyone knew the rules; no one is allowed in or out after the doors are shut- no exceptions. “Please, help me, Mr. Cade! Help me! Help me!” I walked up to my front door and said in the calmest way I could,

“You need to calm down right now.” I took a step closer to the door and looked him directly in

the eye. “Clam down.” He stopped banging for a moment and looked at me with teary eyes.

“Please, Mr. Cade, let me in.” Jordan placed his hand on the door. On the inside, I was falling apart. It felt like I was being torn into two pieces. No matter how much pain I felt I knew I couldn’t open the door. Even just a crack could jeopardize everyone’s safety, but yet again, if anything happened to Jordan it would all be my fault. I looked down at my frightened students and only saw fear in their eyes. I knew I couldn’t let him in. It wasn’t fair to everyone else, but letting him get killed wasn’t fair to his family. When I turned back to face him I placed my hand on the door, directly in front of his. I could feel my eyes begin to burn with hurt and anger.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I can’t.” I slowly removed my hand from the door and put my head down. I couldn’t look at him, the same way my students couldn’t look at me. Tears fell from both of my eyes down to the ground. 

“No! No! Please, let me in! Mr. Cade, help me! Let me in!” As I was walking away from the door one of my students asked me, 

“Why don’t you just let him in? You can’t just leave him there!”

“You know why I can’t! I’m not going to put everyone in harm’s way.” Kyle couldn’t see the burden that was just placed upon my shoulders. He didn’t understand how hard it was turn to away for everyone else’s safety. Still, Jordan continued to shout.

“I’m letting him in,” said Kyle. “He’s going to get us all killed if he keeps shouting like that.” He stood up and walked towards my front door. I can’t even explain the amount of different emotions that was surging through my body. I knew he was right and I couldn’t stop him. We were all dead anyways.

I’m sure the killer already heard Jordan shouting.

I walked behind Kyle towards the front door. We could see Jordan struggling to keep calm. Just as Kyle was about to turn the door handle a large, tall, male figure quickly appeared behind Jordan. Kyle jumped away from the door. The next thing we saw was the large figure take Jordan’s head and twist his neck in a direction it was not supposed to go. Just like that, he was dead and it was all my fault. I quickly reacted and grabbed Kyle and took him away from the front door. The man kicked his foot against the door handle trying to find his way in. Worried cries filled the air. Many friends held one another in their arms trying to comfort each other, but it was no use. With one more forceful kick the gun holder managed to enter my classroom. He immediately knew where everyone was. The tall, built, dark clothed man held his gun up towards Arializ, the closest one to him.

“Hey,” my voice was shaky. “Why don’t you just put the gun down? There is no need to hurt any of them.” All I could see was his determined eyes above a black bandana that covered the rest of his face. “Listen to me,” the gunman pulled back his hammer as I took a step closer towards Arializ. The closer I got, the more worried than frightened Arializ seemed to be. A tear slid down her right cheek as she looked up at me. I forced myself to give her a comforting smile as tears fell down my face. Then I looked back up towards the attacker and said, “Please, please don’t harm any of them.” I stood directly in front of my students with my arms spread wide. That’s when the sound of sirens grew louder. Thank God! We’re saved! The gunman slightly lowered his gun and nervously looked towards the entrance of my classroom, but then back at us again. He firmly held his gun up towards me. “Imagine how much more trouble you’re causing for yourself right now? The police are already here. If you shoot me, what good will it do? That’s it. It’s over. Please, just put the gun down.”

The gunman stood there thinking about his actions. A few seconds later two policeman stood at the front door yelling,

“Freeze,” with their guns raised at him. The young murderer looked back at the policeman then back at me. I noticed the anger in his eyes once he realized I was stalling him. Never before have I seen such a desire to want to hurt someone before. I knew he wasn’t going to hesitate to pull the trigger. “Put down your weapon now,” one of the policemen began, “or we will open fi-”

BANG!

~

Present Day

“Would you be willing to explain to us exactly how this young student saved your life?” My discomfort went from bad to worse. I didn’t know what to say. I looked down at the wood floors while tightening my grip on the arm of my chair. Sweat glided down the side of my face. I roughly rubbed it off with my sleeve. My eyes began to sting as I thought of her. She didn’t deserve to die- I should’ve. After all, she was just a child. She’s been dead for three days. What did I ever do to deserve to live?

I took a deep breath, forced myself to sit up straight, and said,

“She took a bullet for me.” I looked back down at the ground feeling downhearted. I imagined her lying on my classroom floor with a bullet in her chest. A tear slid down the side of my face. Then I looked back up at my interviewer, Rachel. She questioned me,

“Are you okay to continue?” I placed my hand over my mouth unsure if I wanted to say anything. I

couldn’t stop thinking about how unreal all of this felt. When I felt strong enough to begin, I said,

“Yes, yeah, I’m fine.” I roughly rubbed my tears from my eyes. “I remember the young man had his gun pointed at me. I was blocking my students from getting hurt. That’s when the sound of sirens reached our ears. The police had finally gotten to the building. I was relieved when I heard help was on the way. The killer slightly lowered his gun when he heard the sirens, but then lifted it back up at me. I tried speaking to him, tried convincing him to put down his weapon, but he wouldn’t budge. At the same time, I knew I was making him think because he didn’t shoot either.”

“So you were stalling him?”

“Yes. The police came just in time. They demanded him to freeze and put his weapon down or else they would open fire, but he never let them finish their sent-” I choked up. A few more tears glided down my face. I stared back at the ground and rested my head in my right hand.

“You really don’t need to finish if you don’t-”

“No, I’m fine.” I took a deep breath hoping it would calm me down, then began telling my story once more. “He took the shot. I guess he figured, ‘What harm would that cause me? I’m a dead man anyways.’ When he fired his gun someone pushed me out of the way.” I paused for a moment, trying not to burst into tears again. “It was Arializ. She saw it in his eyes. He was infuriated when he realized I was stalling him.” I took a deep breath for a second time. “I closed my eyes as I fell, but when I opened them I saw the police fire at the gunman and Arializ lying on the floor unconscious.” This time I couldn’t control the amount of tears coming from my eyes.

“Thank you for sharing, Mr. Cade. We would like to ask you one-” I tuned my interviewer out

for one moment. They would never understand my pain because they can’t see through these eyes.

~

I got to my knees to make sure she was alright. Arializ was struggling so hard to breathe. She got shot in the chest. The bullet almost hit her heart. I carefully lifted her head with my left hand. A tear slid down her face as she grabbed my other free hand. I looked down at her and said,

“Hey, look at me. You’re going to be alright, okay?” I could barely speak. “Thank you so much.” She was trying to say something, but was having trouble speaking.

“No, than- thank you,” she managed to say with more tears falling down her face. “Thank you.” Suddenly her grip loosened and her eyes began to shut. I felt like I just took a bullet to the chest. Breathing became difficult for me as more tears flooded my eyes. Before I knew it, police men grabbed my arms and tried pulling me away from her.

“NO! NO! Let me go!” I tried breaking free from their grip but nothing could make them let me go. “Please, God! NO! Why?!?” Inside, I could feel a large weight tugging at my heart. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I couldn’t believe that was the last time I would look into her innocently beautiful green eyes.

~

“Mr. Cade?” I snapped back into reality to find my interviewer waiting for me to respond.

“I’m sorry, please repeat the question. I just needed a moment to clear my mind.”

“We would like to ask you one more question. What exactly would you say to this young student if she were with us today?” I was thrown back by the question. It wasn’t really something I ever imagined being asked before, but I didn’t want to leave the question unanswered. Rachel motioned towards the camera directly beside her. She wanted me to look into it. Once I felt comfortable I answered her question.

“Thank you. Thank you so much for sacrificing yourself for me. You are an amazing student. You’ve pushed me to be a better teacher.” I could feel my eyes starting to water. “I hope I’ve pushed you to be a better student. I hope I’ve inspired you to do great things in life. You may not see it, but you are so much more special than you believe. You- everyone has the power to change someone else’s life. After all, we’re all in each other’s lives for a reason. I thank God every day for putting you mine.” A tear glided down my face. “Thank you.” No one spoke when I was done. There was complete silence for almost one minute. When I looked at Rachel I noticed eyes were beginning to water. She cleared her throat then said,

“Thank you. I appreciate you sharing with us.” She slightly smiled at me. “There you have it: high school teacher explains his experience at the recent shooting at Ridgeway High School. Stay in tune to hear some of the students’ perspective of this attack.” After three seconds she swiped her hand in front of her throat signifying “Cut”. The cameras lowered, the spotlights turned off, and Rachel finally released the tear she held in. “I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through,” she said sincerely. I knew she meant it, but it didn’t fix a thing.

“Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Ridgeway was closed until the following year. After that final interview, I just gave up. I shut everyone out and felt down all of the time. I continuously thought about Arializ and how she saved me, and what I was going to do without work for the next eight months. I wanted to talk to someone about how I felt, but to be honest, I didn’t really feel comfortable speaking about the shooting with my wife. I didn’t believe she’d understand because she wasn’t
there. Once I got a job to stabilize my home, things worked out for the better. My wife smiled at me more and it took things off of my mind. The closer we got to Ridgeway’s opening day the more worried Chrystal became. She was concerned for my safety. We had countless amounts of conversations as to whether or not I should continue to teach at Ridgeway. I understood why she was worried, but I really didn’t want to give up my passion. Starting at a new school wouldn’t make things better for me either. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

On the first day of school, everyone who returned pretended like the shooting never took place. They carried fake smiles on their faces and acted like they were comfortable and happy. It was sickening watching everyone pretend they weren’t bothered by the past situation. I know I was. The only person who actually had the guts to mention something about it was Robert. When I saw him, he had a slight limp when he walked. Since I hadn’t spoken to him about the terrifying event on our time off, the first thing I asked was,

“How are you holding up?” We were the only two people in the teachers’ lounge. I was pouring some coffee into my cup while he sipped from his bottle of Mountain Dew.

“I, uh, I’ve been better.” He paused for a moment. “The gunman came into my room, killed

eight of my students then chased Jordan into the hallway.” I stopped pouring my coffee and looked up at him.

“Jordan came from your room?” I asked with unbelief. “Why didn’t you go after him?”

“I was shot in my thigh.” Now I understood why he was limping. “I took the bullet for William. I knew I should’ve gone after Jordan,” I placed my coffee on the table where the coffee machine sat and continued to listen. “I could barely walk, though. I was so afraid.” He paused for a moment. I could tell he was struggling to find the right words. “Brad, that man killed eight of my students! Eight! They just laid there helpless and I knew I could’ve-” he choked up on his words. A tear fell from his eye. He angrily rubbed his eyes then continued. “I knew I could’ve done something.” He shook his head in disbelief. I looked down at the ground thinking of Arializ once more. This was torcher.

“Look, man, if you know you tried your hardest to keep your kids safe, you did a great thing.” Complete lie- I felt terrible, but what else could I have said? I didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was like reliving my worst nightmare over and over again.

At the end of the day when there were only a few teachers left, I started sorting through my desk. All the way at the bottom, under plenty of old homework sheets and family photos was Arializ’s journal. How in the world did this get in here? I thought about it for a while but came to no conclusion. I picked up her journal and began flipping through the few pages that were written on. I even flipped through the pages after her writing stopped. There were only blank white sheets until I

noticed something. I flipped through the notebook once more, and this time I was sure of what I saw. All alone, on the third to last page in her journal was another entry that I haven’t noticed before. I found

the page and began to read the message.

“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”

I never understood life too much. I once was blind, but now I see. You’ve opened my eyes as to what I can do and be for others. No matter how difficult life may be, you taught me to keep my head up through the storms. No words can explain how much of a difference you’ve made in my life. I’m glad you’ve showed me I have someone like you to trust and be open with.

At first I was upset with you. To be honest, I really didn’t want anything to do with you. I’m glad you ticked me off, though. Without your push I would’ve never let go of the fears that were controlling me. People may have many problems, but they only have one life. Might as well make the most out of it. I realize now that I should live every day like it’s my last, because I never know what’s around the corner.

I knew this was meant for me. The tears flooding my face wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she saved my life.

I appreciate everything you’ve done. Keep inspiring. Not just for me, but for others as well.  You’re going to keep making such positive differences in other peoples’ lives. You’ve inspired me

to turn my life around and be a light onto others. God has truly sent me an angel from above, and I thank him every day for it. 

Thank you. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for the days you

tried to lift me up when I was down. Thank you for the tears you’ve shed with me. Thank you for the smiles you’ve brought to my face. Thank you for being open and honest with me. Thank you for going above and beyond. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being my shoulder to lean on when the tears wouldn’t end.  Thank you for being you.

“The sky could fall, the ground could shake, the stars burn out, and seasons change. The time will pass, and beauty fade, but all my love will remain.”

Yours Truly…

The End