Hours seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye. Hours of watching and waiting. Hours of tears being shed. Hours of talks with the doc. Hours of hoping, and wishing she’d get better. But, as time went on, and our bodies became drained to the point of no return, we all knew the sad truth we didn’t wanna face. It’s easy to hide behind a lie. But, when there’s no one else to run, the truth catches up to you.

⤗⤗⤗

One by one, more faces filled the waiting room. It seemed a good a time as any to hold a family reunion. Most of the people were strangers to me. I guess you could say I never really associated myself to this side of the family. My “family” has never really extended past grandparents, and first cousins. Everyone else was simply a nuisance, always telling me how big I’ve grown when I saw them once a year. I currently sat on my lonesome in the corner, but I liked it like this. I was waiting for my dad to come by who was luckily on leave. For some reason he was the only person I wanted to see right now. Maybe because he never asks questions, he doesn’t have to. He always just knows. He’s good at reading people. It’s my favorite thing about him. When he arrived, he hugged me tight and I didn’t wanna pull away. This was the first time I’d seen him in nearly three months, and I’d never been happier. I know our relationship has always been a little rocky but whenever I needed him, he was there. No questions asked.

When we returned back to room 8, this time the doctors were in. My mother stood with her arms folded and serious look on her face, my grandpop leaned up against the counter and waited, and my aunt still remained phone in hand. The first doctor’s hair was a platinum blond pulled back in ponytail, she was holding a clipboard that I can only assume had vitals and such on it. The second doctor clearly much younger walked around and checked all the tubes that gave my grandma life.  “Hi, I just came by to tell you some decisions you have to make, and know I don’t want to rush you but with the state she’s in, we need to act fast.” She continued on to tell us what we already knew, and have already heard twice before. She gaves three choices, when her heart fails, and notice that she said when, not if. “When her heart fails we can we can either do compressions and possibly crack her ribs which leds to many other complications, sign a D.N.R or start to take her off the medicine which will I think make her passing more comfortable for her and easier for the family. But again, I’m so sorry.”

How sorry can you really be though if all your doing is essentially giving us options on how we want her to die? And maybe her sympathy was genuine, but it didn’t matter. No empty sympathy was gonna save her.

It seemed that decisions were made in seconds, and they chose to take her off the medicine. If my opinion mattered I would have chose to keep going, keep fighting. I mean, what happened to miracles? But, like I said my opinion doesn’t matter. It was now time to say our goodbyes, and I had no idea what to say. Rest in peace? One by one, people went in and came out a blubbering mess. Before I knew it, it was my turn. My mother asked me if I needed someone to go with me but, I figured it was best to go alone. I walked in, and shut the cheap fabric curtains behind me. I inhaled the faint aroma of Purell Hand Sanitizer before leaning next to her bedside. For a moment, I just stared. I just stood in awe of how fast this all went, a month ago she was in mint condition. Healthy and happy. And now she lay unresponsive, cold and lifeless. Tears burned in my eyes threatening to fall. Everytime I opened my mouth, I closed it right back up. My words were muffled by my cries. When I calmed down about .00001 percent I began my spiel. “Hi, I know you probably can’t hear me but I just wanna tell you how much I love you. I know I didn’t always call and I didn't  always come down and visit but I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I just love you so much and I wish I didn’t wait until now to tell you. I guess I just always thought you knew, but that’s not enough. And I’m gonna do better, I promise you.” I turned and came out the same as all the rest. I was hurting. I was feeling so many things at once. It was unbearable. My head hurt, my heart hurt, I hurt. And so did everyone else.

Another half and hour later, everyone from the waiting room transported themselves into her room.  We crowded around her bed like she was in a store on display. She now lay without any wires, any tubes, any ivs. She just looked peaceful. The priest that was hired blessed her, and prayed loud enough for the whole state of Delaware to hear. The room was filled with “Hallelujah”, “Praise the Lord” and muffled cries. It was clear her life was coming to an end.  Every now and then her body would jolt up and spark with energy. The horror that filled everyone’s faces was horrible to see. The priest claimed it was her soul being taken up to heaven but, I don’t know if I believe it. Then, the doctor appeared out of the corners of my eyes and gave his condolences to us all. He whipped his stethoscope from his next and placed it on each vein. He looked up with sincere remorse and said, “Time of death, 6:10.”

I’m not perfect. I never have been. But, I pride myself in being a mother. It’s constant job that I signed up for sixteen years ago and I think I’ve gotten pretty good at, if I do say so myself. But tonight, I’m failing. I don’t what to do. I don’t know what to say. What do I say to a girl that just lost her grandmother? How do I help her? As a mother, I don’t like the unknown. I want to know what and when something is going to happen. But, tonight I’m not so sure. It’s just me, her, and the long road ahead.

⤗⤗⤗

As I pulled out of the hospital, silence rang throughout the car. I glanced over at her, hinting my need to talk but, she faced away from me. Her eyes stood fixated on the fogged window. I couldn’t tell if she was crying or not. Her sniffles were muffled yet calm. I wish she’d just turn around. I held my hands in ten and two, which I haven’t done since I was seventeen. But, times like these make you realize how quickly things can change. How people can be here one second and gone the next.

I read the navigation in disappointment, seeing thirty minutes had passed without a word. Not one sound but the radio. I’ve spent thirty minutes in my own head, and not hers. As a mother, my number one priority is my children. I have to put myself in last everytime. Though it’s not something I also want to do, it’s what I have to do. I just, I never knew love until I met my kids. And the fact that I can’t help her right now is killing me inside. I truly hurt. I gotta say something. Anything. “Are you okay?” She remained silent for a moment before responding.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m not okay right now. Please stop asking me.” she said harshly.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” Well, that didn’t go as well as planned. Maybe that was just the wrong choice of words. I’ll try again.

“You did really good today. I was really proud of you.”

“What does that even mean? I did good? I cried, I hugged, I sat and waited just like everyone else.” Her voice was cracking with each word, cracking my heart at the same time and again, I feel attacked. Today, is not my day. I figured silence might be best. Sometimes it is better, right? I just don’t get it. I’m so good at talking. I love it. I could talk for hours on end to just about anybody. Maybe I’m just a social butterfly. Or maybe I hate the quiet. I hate not knowing what someone is thinking. Too many unknowns. That’s why I never understood why Jamie didn’t inherit my personality. It creates a border that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break. As a kid, I always pushed her to be more outgoing, to be one to start the conversation. Was I wrong to do this? She never benefited from it. She almost refused to change. But, why would I push her to change? I’m her mother. Shouldn’t love her exactly as she comes? I don’t know. And this is why I don’t like the quiet. I hate being alone with my thoughts. I hate being alone.

The navigation know read twelve minutes till arrival at destination. Now, she lay against the window sleeping. Her quiet snores, that she denies she has makes a smile creep up on my face. The first smile I’ve had all night. The only smile I needed. The one she created. So yes, maybe I’ve wronged her in ways I’ll never understand. Maybe, I’m not perfect. But, she is.

The gold polished casket, with letters that engraved the birth and death dates of our loved one, and the assortment of roses that lay upon the casket that holds the body of the woman we hold so dear. The burial is the worst part of funeral because as the casket descends six feet deep, it leaves just enough time for all the emotions to sink in. For everything you pushed aside to hit you… hard.

⤗⤗⤗

Three days had passed since the funeral, and everyone continued on with their lives. We all rose at six a.m, got dressed and went to school or work like nothing had changed. We still had homework, we still had sports, we still played with our dog. Nothing changed. The world didn’t stop just because we might have wanted it to. Funny how the world doesn’t revolve around us. Funny how 1 out of the billions of people on Earth passed, and we expect the world to stop for us. Nobody cares that we’re grieving. No, I take that back, once we seem okay no one cares anymore. No one asks how your doing anymore. No one gives you more time when it becomes inconvenient for them. And eventually it all just becomes out of sight, out of mind.

It’s been two weeks since the funeral and I think I’ve recovered. My friends stopped checking up on me. My teachers stopped asking if I need more time for assignments. My parents stopped asking if I need to go in late. It all just stopped. Which I honestly like. I like normal. Change is not good for me. I have a strict routine I follow. Sympathy, and compassion have never been for me. So, when it stopped, I was glad. I didn’t like being treated differently because something happened to me. Tragedies happen to everyone. Not just me. Is it weird to feel that way?

I’m currently laying in my bed on a cloudy Monday morning, and the sky clearly reflects my feelings inside. I don’t want to go to school today but I mean, who does? I drifted through each motion of my routine and before I knew it found myself sitting in first period. I sat all the way in the back, in front of me was Kaitlyn and beside me was Georgina. Kaitlyn was nice and often gave me the answers when I couldn’t do it myself but Georgina, she always gave me a weird feeling. She was a brunette with slightly faded purple tips, she wore clothing that belonged in the 90’s, and always had headphones in. She wore dark eye makeup that only she could pull off, and wore the same shiny clear gloss everyday. She never spoke much. She only spoke when spoken to. She was the kind of girl that everyone knows, and makes a face when her name is mentioned despite the fact that no one actually knows her. But today, she was different. She kept staring at me constantly. I was beginning to feel extremely uncomfortable. So, I did what anyone else would do, I stared back. Hoping she would turn away of course. But, she didn’t. I turned my head away and continued filling out my packet, almost feeling her eyes drilling the back of my head. Finally, giving up on this game I turned and asked, “Why are you staring at me?

“You look sad.” she said nonchalantly. How am I supposed to respond to this? I don’t even know this girl.

“Maybe I am.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even know you.” I said my tone coming off harsher than intended.

“You don’t have to. I might be able to help you.”

“I doubt it.”

“Try me.”

“I’ll pass.” The bell rang through my ears like a symphony. Saved by the bell. Saved from the creep.

The next day, I entered first period hoping that events wouldn’t repeat themselves. But, just to my luck, they did. On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then Friday. I was beginning to feel irritated. “Look,” I began, “I don’t know why all of a sudden you have some sort of sudden interest in me but I want you to stop.”

“I’m sorry, you just looked like you needed someone to talk to and I figured maybe I could help. That’s it. Won’t do it again.” Great, now I feel bad.

I sighed, regretting each word that came out of my mouth, “Do you wanna maybe, I don’t know.” I almost couldn’t finish my words, “Hang out after school?”

“Yeah, that would be great! You can come to my house.” she said a sprang from her chair to head to the next class.

“I don’t even know where you live.” I said as she disappeared into the halls.

Thanks to Snapchat and the help of navigation, I was able to find my Georgina’s house. She lived in a small ranch house quite far the school and had two beautifully painted white rocking chairs on her deck. In front of her deck, she had many different types of flowers, each unique, varying by color and size. I walked up to the door and gave the door three knocks. I waited for a moment or two and no one was answering the door. I knocked again and again heard no response. I was beginning to get antsy, so I rang the bell. I waited, waited and waited, and just as I turned to leave there she appeared. She swung the door open with a huff, startling me in the process. She looked worn, and a bit sad herself but still held a smile as she invited me into her home. As, I walked in, I inspected what was around me. Beer cans, and Doritos bags thrown across the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink, unswept floors, and clothes laying next to the couch. The house had older decor that needed serious updating and the thing this house was missing the most was a family. I saw pictures hung on the wall shown of Georgina, and what I can only assume are her mom, dad, and brother. But, no one seemed to be in sight.

“Sorry for the mess, I tried to clean up before you came.” she said.

“It’s fine.”

She took me up to her room and sat me down and there we sat. I felt uncomfortable. I was not familiar with this place or the person living in it.

“So, where is everybody?” I asked curiously.

“My dad is in his room.” she said.

“How about your mom and brother?” I said hoping not to pry.

“Dead.” she said stiffly. I was taken aback from her response and my face showed it. I had so many more questions that I didn’t want to ask. So, I started off simple.

“I’m really sorry, what happened?”
“It was a car accident. Four months ago, my mom was taking my brother to his basketball game and they slide off the rode. And that would explain why my house is a mess. My father is drinking himself into oblivion and I’m trying to keep everything together. I cook, I shop, I work, I pay the bills, I do my school work, I do it all.” she finished and then paused for a moment. “Whoa, I just told you my whole life story, I don’t know why I just did that. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I said surprising myself. I was surprised that to the average eye, no one would have known what she was going through. No one would have had any idea that she’d lost her mom, and brother and quite frankly, her dad in the process too. Her sharing that with me made me feeling surprisingly closer to her, even though we’ve spent a half hour together.

Silence had lingered through the air for a moment and out of the blue I said “My grandma died. That’s why I’ve been sad. And I don’t know how you knew but, you did.”

“I’m sorry. But, I knew that face. I had that face for months. But, no one noticed. But, I’ve been through it. I can see it on anyone now. I know when someone is hurting because I was hurting.”

“I just want you to know that it gets better. The loneliness, the empty space you feel starts to feel less empty. The tears you feel when people mention their name, it goes away. Eventually, it all goes away. And I’m not saying you’ll forget them. You never will. But, the pain you feel inside, will get better every day. I promise.”

“You think?” I questioned.

“I know.” she said, “Like, when I was younger, I was so afraid of the tunnels because I thought I was gonna get trapped inside but my mom said, that there is always light at the end of each tunnel and that's how you know you’re almost out. And that little phrase really carried with me. So, if right now you’re stuck in the darkness, and you might be for a while. Eventually, you’ll find the light and that’s when you know you’re on your way out.”

“You know you’re honestly nothing like I thought you’d be.” I said genuinely.

“What? Weirder than you thought?”

“No, way cooler.”

“Guess you judged me too fast when you didn’t even know me.”

“Well, I’m glad I do now.”

Time. Time doesn’t wait for anybody or anything. As much as we want it to, it never stops. We are never left with much time to greve. So eventually, we learn to forget. Or to move on, as some would say. It becomes a small chapter in our book of life.

⤗⤗⤗

It’s been five years since she passed away. I’m now a sophomore in college majoring in writing. I’ve adapted here, made new friends here, learned my way around.  I haven’t spoke to Georgina since freshman year. We tried to keep in contact but, just drifted apart. I honest and truly will never forget our friendship and how she understood, accepted, and eased my pain. I keep in contact with my family, I tell people I love that I love them. I’m better now. I’ve grown as a person and I can thank all of these to Georgina. She helped out of one of my darkest times. Now, I don’t become saddened when I think of my grandmother. I think about her beautiful smile, her kind and gentle heart, and her endless amount of love for me. I no longer want to cry, I no longer want to be sad. I just want to smile to myself when I think of her. And that smile is my light. The light that tells me I’m almost out. The light at the end of the tunnel.

The End.