I remember the first time it had happened to me, the coldness in his eyes. I was only 11 years old,  and I could never look at him the same. Never. That night was the first night my Dad had ever laid hands on me. I had come home from my Moms around 12am that night, the room smelt of beer and the TV was turned up loud. He had passed on the couch, a beer in his hand. I shut the door quietly in hopes of not waking him. I tiptoed past the living room and thought everything was alright until he goes, “Aerin, where were you?”At the time he seemed fine, nothing was wrong with him. He was just a bit drunk but that was common for him to be honest. 

“Mom brought me home a bit late,” I had begun saying. He just stared at me for a moment, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. Then he looked me dead in the eyes, “That cheating wh*re can never bring you back on time can she?”

 Standing there, all I really remember is him standing up and looking at me in complete disgust. He had never been that way before and I reacted by stepping away from him. He had walked closer talking slurs to me with beer drifting from the smell of his breath. 

“Don’t talk about her that way, she did nothing wrong.” The look he gave me was sharp, as a moment of silence cut through. He smacked me across the face, I thought that was it. He repeated it over and over till marks began to show. He pushed me onto the floor kicking against my rib cage. I cried out in pain until he stopped. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, he had broken down crying begging for me to forgive him. 

‘It won’t happen again, I promise,’” I remember him saying. Well that’s a pretty funny joke, because he broke that promise. Not once but multiple times. 

     I kinda just learned that no one really cares at this point. How could you love someone but hurt them so much? It doesn’t really matter to me when they tell me that anymore. I just shrug it off, everyone ends up leaving eventually. Right? My mom had left soon after my dad began drinking, that really showed me how much she cared. She comes to visit about 2-3 times a month just to check on me. She usually just stays for around an hour until she says she has to go. She already has a new family without me and my dad, I've never even got to meet them. I have 1 sister and 1 brother and that’s basically all I know. Every once in a while she lets me visit her house, and when she does she barely asks how everythings going for me. She just stands there barely saying a thing. When she had left us for another guy that's when everything had begun going downhill. My dad doesn't even have a job, we rent out a small apartment that I mostly work to get the bills for, the only way he makes money is by gambling with his friends. At school I'm known for being the top athlete, the “perfect guy”, the one everyone apparently wants to be, but all I want is to be another person. Have you ever wanted to change who you are so badly? That’s how I feel every second of the day. I have so many friends yet I feel so alone.

     I woke up early Tuesday morning, and began getting ready for school. Before I leave I always check that my dads home, just in case he wandered around drunk the night before. 

           He’s sprawled out on the couch, the TV still playing. I walked to the living room to turn it off right before I left on my way to school. The walk always took around 15 minutes. I enjoyed it though, 15 minutes of quiet time to myself. The sun beat down onto my face but it was still somewhat chilly outside.Jesse was across the street, “Jesse “, I called out. 

       He stopped walking and I caught up to him really quickly. “Are you ready for the first day back?” he chuckled. Jesse had been my best friend for almost 10 years. He was pretty chill for the most part and he always makes me laugh. He’s tall around 6’4, curly brown hair and brown eyes. He got all the attention he wanted, from girls, he was a teachers pet, and even just his parents loved him. He was adored by almost everyone.

 “Not really, it’s the same thing every day”

“Did you hear about Brinley? Apparently she changed a lot..”

“She did? Hopefully for the better if you know what I mean”

Brinley was one of my closest friends from middle school, that kinda ended when she spread stuff around about me.

 “I say you give her another chance, that was so long ago. I mean what’s the worst that could happen”. 

   The day was finally almost over all I had to do was make it through 6th hour I thought to myself. It was chem, my least favorite class of the day. I looked over at the assigned seat chart, Brinley was right next to me. This was gonna be an awkward way to start class. She sat down right next to me, she still had the same hazel eyes that gleamed whenever she smiled.  Her hair was a darker brown with dirty blonde highlights that looked as though it was curled. She smiled at me and did a quick wave, probably just to be nice. I tried to give a smile back but I just seemed uncomfortable. For the majority of class we just sat there listening to what Ms. Wright had to say, until the end of the class period.

  She looked up at me, “You got taller”.

“And you stayed shorter”.

She laughed, for a second it felt as though nothing had changed. I should give her another chance I thought to myself. 

“I’m really sorry about before, I don’t know what I was thinking”.

She had gone around telling everyone I had been in love with her. I wouldn’t have cared until her boyfriend at the time had come and beat me up. 

“Don’t worry about it, that was a while ago”.

“Oh, thanks we'll talk to you tomorrow?”.

“Yeah, tomorrow”.

Tomorrow was the exact same thing up until 6th hour. I sat down and Brinley sat down next to me and waved exactly like she did the day before. I smiled at her, this time it didn’t seem so forced. Ms. Wright began explaining the project we had to do, our partners would be whoever are assigned seats were next to. This meant I'd have to spend time with Brinley after school, I mean that wasn’t the worst thing but it could be better. We picked out a hat to get our idea to present. The time had come and Ms. Wright came to our table, I reached my hand and pulled out a little note card. Our topic was “Is Yawning Contagious?”, I showed Brinley. 

“How about Wednesday you stay after with me to work on it?”, suggested Brinley.

I nodded and right after the bell had rang. I quickly got up and left for home. 

Wednesday after school we met at her house because there's multiple reasons why I didn't want her at mine. Her parents had greeted me with a smile, I could tell they remembered me. We worked on the project for about two hours before I had to leave. We caught up on everything and I could tell we were getting close again. I realized how much I had missed her. 

For the rest of the week we hung out every day after school, we barely even did work. We just talked and talked, but I started getting this weird feeling around her. I felt butterflies whenever I talked to her, it never felt like that before. What if she hurt me again? I always thought to myself. I felt scared and confused, that’s when I could tell I was gonna begin distancing myself from her.

“Hey, are you okay?” She had asked. I didn't want to tell her what was actually going on. “I'm fine, just stressed about the math test”. She nodded and looked as though she believed it. “Aerin stressed about school, wow never heard of that”. She laughed and smiled at me, I tried my best to offer a smile back. I could tell at that moment she knew something was wrong, she looked up at me confused. She gave me the look that a lost puppy gives to people who pass by it. I didn't want to open up to another person it never ended well. 

“You’ve been different lately. You keep pushing me away and whenever I ask what's wrong you deny it. Look me in the eyes and tell me it's all okay.”

 I didn't know how to respond to her, how do you tell someone you love that your life is falling apart.

 “It's nothing, It wouldn’t matter to you”.

 As she peered into my eyes I could tell she was hurt. She blinked twice and just shook her head at me like she was looking at another person. 

“I like how you push away everyone who actually cares about you.” She started walking away from me, her face was red at this point.

“Bee please don't go”

Bee was the nickname I had given her all throughout middle school. I stood there like an idiot. 

      “Bee,” I repeated one more time. She continued walking away from me, quickly I caught back up to her. I gripped her shoulder and her eyes widened almost like she was in fear. I knew what i was gonna say next would hurt her but i said it anyways. “Yeah, leave me just like your mom did to you”. Her mom had meant so much to her and that's why it was such a dick move. 

After school i walked around for hours, why did i mess up the best thing that was going on for me right now. I checked the time, 7pm my phone had read. I kept thinking about the look she had given me when I grabbed her shoulder. That was the look i had given my dad right before he started hitting me. I felt as though I was becoming him and that was the last thing I had wanted. I pulled out some whiskey from my backpack I had gotten earlier that day. Maybe if this solved my dad's problems it could solve mine. I sat on the curb by my local gas station for what seemed like forever, just drinking and thinking about everything i had done. By the time i finally started walking home it had been 11pm. 
I opened the front door and there he was, standing there just waiting for me to get home. My dad had no sign of sympathy in his eyes, just his cold piercing blue eyes. They dug into my mind making me want to close my eyes and disappear. I didn't know what to say or do, I just stood there waiting for him to say something. Just anything at all. The hairs on my arm stood up as I began shaking. He took another step closer, “Where were you this time?’, he sneered in a rough voice. I felt my lip tremble as I could hear the anger in his voice. Not this again, I couldn't do this again. No matter how many times before that I had begged him to stop, it never worked. When he looked at me it seemed as though he felt nothing at all, or even nothing for his own child. 

“I-I was walking and I lost track of time,” I said with a shaky voice. 

He went silent, he wouldn't do it this time. He raised his arm and just pushed me against the wall. I didn't refuse it, that only made it worse and that i can tell you I learned the hard way. 

“You find a new way to disappoint every day”.

I fell onto the ground as my heart just sank, he began kicking me so hard into my ribs. I couldn't breathe and my vision flashed from black and white. I wanted to give up, I wanted it all to stop. I closed my eyes even harder, and everything went still. I heard my front door swing open, my dad instantly stopped. Pain still flooded every inch of my body, it felt as though I was on fire. Who could be here, I thought to myself. My mom looked at me with worried eyes, then she turned to my dad and quickly realized what he was doing. She pushed him away from me and screamed in his face. “Don't touch him one more time. Don't take a step closer”. He instantly stopped everything and it looked as though he actually regained feelings for a second. Did he feel bad? How was that possible, he felt nothing. 

A week had past of court dealing with what to do about my father, they planned on rehab and he no longer has custody of me. My mom had full time custody and I got put into therapy to deal and talk about my issues. I got to meet my siblings and got much closer with them. I told my therapist about Brinley, “You should talk to her about it”, she kept telling me. After a few days of considering it I finally decided it would be right to give her an explanation. In 6th hour, I looked at her and she glanced away quickly. 

“Hey Brinl-”

“Save it or at least give me an explanation”, she said cutting me off mid sentence.                                                                                                                                                                                        

“I was scared to open up again because every other time I ended up getting hurt. I guess I just took it out on you and distanced myself”.

“Who had hurt you before”.

I began explaining everything from the very beginning to her. About my dad, my mom and everything I had been put through. I could tell she understood, she got up and hugged me. The warmth flooded me and as I looked at Brinley, I felt my heart pound but in a positive way. My stomach felt like butterflies and at that moment everything seemed better. For now, everything was actually okay. Brinley gleamed up at me grinning so wide, I couldn't help but bust out smiling as well. Maybe there are good people in this world after all.