Chapter 1

It's my first day of highschool. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I'm a freshman. It's 5:47am and I do not want to get up whatsoever. After 10 minutes of watching tik tok I drag myself out of bed with my blanket wrapped around me. I brush my teeth and take a warm shower. I hop out of the shower and get dressed, today I'm wearing ripped mom jeans and a black shirt. I went for something basic since I’m not trying to impress anyone. I put my hair up in a towel so that it doesn't wet the back of my shirt and walk back to my room. I sit down in my vanity chair so I can start doing my makeup to hide myself. Makeup to me is a way to forget and cope with my problems. I have eyebags from the little sleep i’ve been getting the past couple of weeks due to depression.  

I finished doing my makeup and now I need to do my hair. I can’t decide whether I want to curl or straighten my hair, but it doesn't even matter because I’m not trying to impress anyone. I opened one of my drawers in my vanity where I keep all my hair products and took my straightener out. I ended up straightening my hair and finished around 7:55. I put my shoes on and got my backpack and headed to school. School starts at 8:30 and I got there at 8:17. 

 I moved during summer a couple towns away so I don’t know anyone and I'm really nervous. I decided to text my old friends to check up on them and see how they were doing and they all seem to be doing fine without me. The bell rang which means it's time for first period, I hate school so school to me is like hell. I didn’t know where room 307 was so I kept getting lost. I also didn’t want to ask anyone for help because I get really anxious when it comes to talking to people. I finally found my class after 7 long minutes of getting lost. During the first period (bio) I got assigned to sit in a table of four, there were 2 boys who I believe were best friends and one girl. At first no one said a word at all. We all started talking and getting to know each other, so far I think I'm doing great. At the end of class we all exchanged numbers since we were friends now. 

The bell rang, meaning I have to go to my second period (geo) and hope at least one of my new friends is there so I don’t feel as alone. Update Nia was there but she was assigned the seat across the room from me so therefore we could not talk to each other.  The girls around me were so annoying and I was so uncomfortable. Geography went by pretty fast but I only think it felt like it went by fast because it's the first day of school. 

It's 11:37 am and I am so tired of school. I know it's only been 3 periods but I'm exhausted. I didn’t sleep much yesterday because I was just thinking about school. I don’t understand basic concepts, like why do I need to learn about science? Or geography? How am I going to use that in the real world? Can I fix all my problems using chemistry, adding substances together? No I can’t, so I don’t see the point. 

It's lunch now, and I'm hanging out with my friends from my first period. We were all  chatting and getting to know each other a bit more while eating chips. I found out that they are very interesting and unique. To be honest I really enjoy talking to all 3 of them, they aren’t dry and we can all keep a conversation going which is really rare nowadays. I just don’t want to trust them too early into our friendship since I always end up getting disappointed by everyone.

The rest of the day was boring. Nothing really exciting happened other than getting yelled at by my math teacher because I was not paying attention whatsoever. After school my friends and I met up and went to Taco Bell together. I saw that Nia was talking to Aiden and they were trying to flirt while Javon and I were talking and looking at them. Nia and Aiden took the bus together and Javon and I went to starbucks. We ended up walking home and getting to know each other a little more. I'm not the type of person to catch feelings fast for someone but Javon is an exception. Everything about him is perfect and he's just different from everyone else. 

When we got to my house I found out that he only lives a couple houses down the street. He ended up going home since his mom needed help with the groceries but he got to meet my mom and she really liked him. He facetimed me a couple minutes after he went home and we did homework together while we were on the phone. We got off the phone an hour later and I went to get something to eat from the kitchen. I went to see what everyone else was doing. My sister was finishing up her homework, my brother was outside playing with his friends, my mom was laying down in her room on the phone with my aunt, and my dad was sitting on the couch watching tv. I was really bored since I didn't have anything else to do so I went skateboarding around my neighborhood. I was listening to music and spacing out at the same time so I was just focusing on myself, it's my way of coping and escaping reality. 

“Heyyyy” Javon came out as he was walking towards me

“Heyyy” I responded with a smile on my face.

“Whatchu been up to?” he said.

“Just skateboarding and watching the sunset.”

“Without me?” Javon said while looking at me

“Yeah without you” I said sarcastically

“Wowwwww, stop acting like you didn’t miss me” he said as he was dribbling his basketball.

“You’re right” I said as we locked eye contact.

He passed me the basketball and surprisingly I scored, we played basketball for a while and he won obviously. At one point we both sat down on the concrete sidewalk and talked while watching the sunset. I'm not sure how to really describe it but it was an experience that you can only experience with the right person. In a way It was a memory I would never want to forget. Even though we met each other not too long ago it feels like I've known him for so long. I did get to know him a lot more and we both engaged in the conversation. I found out that he had just gotten out of a toxic 4 month relationship. He said that his ex was just really toxic and putting no effort into trying to make things work between them. They would argue everyday over small things and it was just not working so he ended things with her. He decided that the best option for him was moving on and focusing on himself.

Which is good for me because then I might have a chance to shoot my shot eventually. It was getting dark outside so we both decided to go back home. I got home around 9:40 and ate pozole that my mom had made earlier. After I was done eating I went to my room and scrolled through instagram, after i got bored of that I went to go shower. I came out of the shower, changed, and stared at myself pointing out my insecurities for what felt like 10 minutes. I have scars all throughout my body and I always cover them up.When I was done I ate some melatonins so that I could fall asleep faster. I ended up passing out the entire night so I slept well. I woke up at 6 so that I have enough time to get ready for school. But before I get ready I need to force myself out of bed by dragging myself to the bathroom to take a shower. I came out of the shower at 6:30 and got dressed. I put my hair up in a towel and sat in front of my vanity so I could start getting ready.

I finished my makeup at 7:40 and started straightening my hair now that it was dry. Nia had texted me that she wanted our friend group to match today and asked me to wear a black tank with a gray sweater and red pjs. At first I thought it was a weird outfit choice but when I put it on it actually didn't look that bad at all. I finished getting ready and put my backpack on so that I can start heading to school. I got there at 8:15 and met up with my friends near the school's vending machine. Apparently Nia had set me up and asked Javon to wear the same thing so that him and I would match and Nia and Aiden were matching. Not only did it look like we were a couple but we had people come up to us throughout the day telling us we look cute together. I was so embarrassed. 

I slowly started getting over the entire situation and just continued my day like normally, we all hung out during lunch. Since the gates at my school are always open and there is a starbucks nearby we decided to sneak out and go get starbucks. We order our drinks and snacks and get back to the school campus just in time for our next period. I got to my 4th period class aka spanish and apparently we had a test today that I did not know about. I was really tired and exhausted so I almost fell asleep mid test. Surprisingly I got through the entire test and just put my head down afterwards. The rest of my classes went by fast and I met up with Javon so we could walk home together. We talked and bought snacks at 7 eleven on our way. 

When I got to my house I started writing in my diary about how i'm doing, it's my way of escaping reality. Nobody knows or has noticed how i'm doing mentally I pretend to be someone i'm not but i'm slowly losing myself and the only thing that makes me want to stay is my friends. What I'm trying to say is that I'm slowly losing myself and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I'm drowning in my feelings and thoughts and no one knows. It hurts that I look at myself in the mirror begging myself to hold on for a little longer. I'm not sure how many other people feel the way I'm feeling but I don’t wish the way I'm feeling upon anyone even if you were my biggest enemy. 

During summer I developed severe depression and nobody noticed because I got used to hiding the way I feel. I stopped depending on people because I realized that the only person I could really depend on was myself. I have scars from previous cuts and I decided to let them heal, since then I have been clean for 3 weeks. I'm a really funny, happy, outgoing person around everyone but I'm really just trying to escape reality and I don’t know what's real anymore. My biggest fear is disappointing someone I love. I have been hurt multiple times by trusting people but they only ever disappoint me. Javon is different though, I feel safe when I'm around him. I'm not sure why or how but he just makes me forget all my problems. 

My mom has noticed my really bad eyebags and has told me to get more sleep but she doesn’t know that I stay up almost all night overthinking and asking if life is worth living. I don’t talk about my feelings or problems because I don't want people thinking I'm seeking attention. 

My parents argue and fight everyday and I can tell it affects my siblings so I always bring them to my room and put a movie on to distract them. My dad spends most of his money on alcohol mostly because he’s an alcoholic he has anger issues and gets mad over the smallest things. He’s never been there for me but I slowly got used to it so I don’t even care anymore. My mom on the other hand is very strict and only wants what's “best” for her kids. My household is just really toxic in general. 

No one knows that i'm suicidal or that I have depression, but I don’t want them to know because then they’re going to give me another lecture about me doing this for “attention”. I know it's a really hard and sensitive topic but one of the biggest reasons I have depression is from past trauma. 

I question myself “how many times can the same thing be broken?” and the only thing that comes to mind is “as long as you love it”. Hurting someone is as easy as throwing a stone onto the sea. You'll never know how deep that stone will go, which is also while some words change the way I look at myself. I'm slowly losing all motivation for school and the only reason I’m barely even trying is because of my siblings.

By the time I finished writing in my diary I realized it was 5:30 and went to eat since I didn’t get any homework. I went outside and started skateboarding and went back inside after a while. 

***

I only have 3 months left of my freshman year of highschool. The school year went by a lot faster than I expected. Javon and I confessed our feelings for eachother and started dating a few days after. My mental health has then gotten 100 times better and I have been really happy since then. Javon has helped me become a better person and he always makes sure to reassure me whenever I overthink about something. 

Our relationship has been going really good and it's not toxic at all. I told him about my depression and he was really supportive and made it clear that everything would be okay as long as I feel safe with him. But most importantly trust him with my heart. 

If you're reading this it’s because I'm officially burning my diary now that I filled every page and I'm going back and reading through it. I am now a senior and me and Javon are still together, I no longer have depression and I have been the happiest I have ever been.