Monday rolled around faster than she had expected, she had spent the whole weekend thinking about returning the favor and lending him her hoodie on the Monday to come. But, now that the day was here, she was starting to second guess herself. Though once she saw him while walking to her 3rd period, she could not help it. She gave him a big hug and her hoodie he gave her a satisfied smile and continued walking. She could not contain her smile, her happiness was astronomical, she was in love.

Weekends had always been his favorite part of the week, but now that he had a special someone that he was only able to see on weekdays, weekends were a bore. Finally, Monday came around, the anticipation to see her was unbearable. Then as he was on his way to his 3rd period class, there she was, “looking as pretty as ever” he thought to himself. Suddenly, she was hugging him, a warm, happy feeling filled his body, he was in love. He smiled as she gave him her hoodie, and proceeded to walk away. As he held the grey hoodie in his hands, he could not wait a second longer, he put it on and immediately noticed her scent. It was like a field of roses, and he loved every second of it.

Everything had gone to plan, and she was ecstatic. Well, there was one thing she still longed for, time. She had extremely strict parents who prevented her from having any fun, she was to focus on her studies and make it to Yale. She had dreamt of going to Yale for as long as she could remember, but that does not mean she wanted to miss the fun that came with being a teenager. She yearned to hang out with him even if it was just for 2 hours, but boys, romance, or fraternizing was forbidden. She needed a plan. Her sister was going out with friends of her own this Friday, and agreed to drop her off with her friends, assuming they were girls. Her sister was a blackmailer at heart and if she found out her “friends” turned out to be a boy she was in in love with, she would be her servant for the rest of her life. However how could she hide him, she did not want to make one of her actual friends come along and “third wheel” but how else would she make it more believable. She was in a dilemma and did not know what to do next.

“Shoot” he mumbled to himself, finally an opportunity to hang out with her, she had done so much to be available for him, and he could not. “What will I do now, she will hate me” he thought to himself, “I know,” and then it came to him, a plan that the second it had popped up in his head, he could not ignore. “But where, when, how, should I ask beforehand? will I mess things up?” His overthinking was uncontrollable, but he knew what he had to do, the joy he was hoping for, could come true. “I’ll ask her to be my valentine.”

Disappointment was no new feeling, but this felt deeper. It felt as though her heart had sunk, there was a lump in her throat, then there it was, tears. “What’s wrong with me, why am I crying?” she asked herself, but she knew why she was crying, she just did not want to admit it. Heartbreak, was this her first, hopefully her last? She was anxious to reply to his messages, but then there it was. “Will you be my Valentine?” Suddenly her heart skipped a beat, tears began to flow faster, the stinging in her chest began to fade, relief at last. “Of course,” was all she could produce to say in return, it was as if her feelings were a rainbow, an array of happiness and tears, rain and sun, a range of comparisons could describe what she was feeling, but none would suffice now there was no doubt about it, love was the word.

Any response equivalent to a yes was satisfactory. So, seeing the “of course” pop up in the message reply box made him elated. A young “first love” story was blossoming in his heart, if he were to lose her, it would be a blow from which he might never recover. He would do anything to prevent it from occurring, anything. And so, off he went to find her a Valentine's Day gift as special as her. As he was looking something came across him. “Perfect” he said to himself as he rushed to purchase it, “I cannot wait for tomorrow.”

She woke up as happy as can be. Since it was Valentine's Day, she had spent almost an hour the night before choosing her outfit. She wanted it to be perfect, “Good morning, happy Valentine's Day!” she sent, but to her surprise, no answer. “He is probably still asleep” she thought to herself “I shouldn’t worry, should I?” She mumbled to herself, “Ding” a smile came across her face, could that be the reply she had been awaiting. Suddenly, a cloud of disappointment changed her expression, “Hi sorry I'm not coming to school today” the message read, “UGH” she groaned. “Whyyyy” she sent back, she had never been the type to send a misspelled message but here she was, in desperation. No answer, he hadn’t even bothered to read the message, she yearned for something, anything, “Happy Valentine's Day to me.” She said as she wiped the dewy pearls of tears that had collected on her face. Empty was the only thing she felt, but other words fit the situation, lonely, wilted, lost.

He woke up dazed, he was faint and felt a harsh, throbbing pain in his dry, cold throat. “No school for you today, it’s best you rest,” he pouted as his mother told him to return to bed. Being punctual was one of his strong characteristics, so failing to arrive to school on a day as special as Valentine’s Day took a hard blow on his wholesomely sweet heart. Would he have a chance to apologize, would she give him the opportunity to? He did not know, but what he did know was that he needed to get over this cold and fast. So off he was to bed, hoping to dream of her, now pondering if she felt the same way.

The next day she felt lost about what to do next. Then there he was, he seemed fine, he was smiling? She felt her heart sink, was he unaffected by yesterday’s events? Was avoiding the situation really for the best? “Oh no” it seems she was out of time to gather her thoughts, because there he was walking towards her. “Hey” the boy said, “Hey?” she thought “Is he kidding?” “hi” she said back and walked away; she was not going to let him have the satisfaction of seeing her cry that’s for sure.

He felt fine the next morning. No fever or symptoms, a smile plastered across his face as he went to inform his mother. “All better” he declared as he dashed across the hall to his mother's room. “Are you sure?” his mother asked, “you look a little pale” “of course I am sure mother, I have always been pale it must be from hunger.” “All right then, hurry up and get ready for school I will begin to prepare breakfast,” he had always admired the way his mother used such big and respectful words, they made her sound profoundly serious. As he made his way downstairs, he came to the realization that he would see her today. His heart skipped a beat as he imagined the Valentine’s Day he had originally planned. “You sure seem cheery to go to school today” his mother said interrupting his daydream, “oh no of course not, breakfast today is just exceptionally good that’s all” he said hoping to put a stop to his mother's suspicions. He walked into the school and was immediately tackled by his friends, bursting into laughter that echoed through the gymnasium. Suddenly something in the corner caught his eye, a girl, his girl. “Hey” he said as he was walking towards her, “hi” a small voice said in return as they walked pass them. “Was she crying?” he thought to himself, “dang it did I make it worse?,” he ran towards her, but it was too late, she was crying in someone else's arms, a new boy’s.

“How embarrassing” she thought to herself “crying in the middle of class, what am I 4?”  Then to her surprise she was in someone's arms. “It is ok you know that right? To not be ok all the time?,” said a voice slightly too deep for his age, “yes, I know” the girl responded. “So, let it all out, it will be alright, I am here for you” the pool of tears became incontrollable, she was not crying in the arms of the person of her choice, but at least he was there, and for her that was better than nothing. She pushed herself out of the teary embrace and asked him to walk with her, she had a lot of explaining to do.

Sadness quickly turned into malicious anger, his friends had noticed he was glaring in a certain direction and were slightly concerned. Then realized, his girlfriend hugging a boy, “is everything all right?” they asked the boy. “Yeah, I am great” he responded with an aggressive sarcastic tone, something bad was building in his throat, a cold-blooded snake that wanted to make them miserable. “She is cheating on me with him.” he grunted. “Shoot, what have I done, it is too late to take it back now, that is not true, why did I say that” a flurry of self-hate began in his mind. “Is she, she very well could be, she completely ignored me and went to him” he was starting to believe the words that had just came out of his self-conscious mouth. “Oh, I am so sorry man” his friends said to the boy with a pitiful gaze.

Later that day her friends came up to her with some “not so great” news. “He told everyone that you cheated on him” those words were like needles to her ears, tears stung her eyes as they fell down her pale cheeks. She was emotionally numb to this type of pain at this point, but it still hurt. The second she got home she confronted him through text, “did you tell everyone that I cheated on you?” The message bubble quickly popped up and there it was, a quick admit, “yeah” the truth was appreciated but struck her poor frail heart too hard for her to handle. “Why I didn’t do that”, “I thought you did” he replied. Insecurities arose with that cold-hearted wording. “Damn ok” she sent back and threw her phone to the floor, “Buzz” the vibration against the carpet made. “what” he said. “Is he kidding me? What? He better be joking” her inner self yelled. “it’s the fact that even after dating me you think that I am the type of person to cheat” she quickly typed and immediately sent. “K” the lack of care in that one letter pained her so. “We are done” she sent as her final message. Tears filled her almond-colored eyes, then left. She felt nothing. The young first love story that filled her adorable red heart, was now drained grey.

She had finally broken down. All her feelings had finally come together, all the pain and the sorrow she had cast away, he was her distraction, and it took her losing him for her to realize it. She had nothing left except herself, the one thing she was avoiding, this was the one thing  she didn’t want In an attempt to feel something again, she pulled out a grey pen and began journaling. She wrote for months on end pouring out her feelings. Until she was free, with nothing but peace in her mind. There was one last page left. Maybe on this lonely page, she could finally tell the truth, and that’s what she did. Until the page was full. It read. “If I could maybe I would change everything I did, take back every decision I made this year and think things through, go for what I wanted ignoring and not caring about anyone else’s feelings. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Like I always do. I’m too used to it at this point I lose people, I lose a part of myself with it, holding my tears back each minute of every single day just isn’t working out anymore, one second I’m freaking out and the next I couldn’t care less it’s like a light switch that where my emotions turn off. And people easily use me, and hurt me. Is there truly nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe this is just me giving up. I would understand it, I’ve held on to my feelings for that one person for so long and I feel them slipping away, when I finally got brave enough to tell them how I felt about them, it’s like the like everyone except me now. It is like I predict everything bad that has been happening to me lately, and I can’t stop it even though I know it’s coming. I don’t know how to stop it, all I know is that I can’t keep doing this to myself, it hurts. It’s painful. I want to stop it all, cover my ears and my eyes and wait it all out. My heart needs a protective shield around it at this point. Life at home, life at school, the grey area in between are all hurting me at once. I want to just sleep forever, listening to music, not feeling anything anymore, because all those emotions will eventually go back to the sadness and hurt I feel on a daily basis. The rain, the quiet, the empty, even the lonely, are the only things that comfort me at this point, and here I am, with no one left ranting to a notebook. I give up.”

The next day her mother was cleaning her room, and found this journal under her daughter’s bed, and she began to read. All the vents and drawings about giving her life up, all the times where her not her was mentioned as someone who had hurt her the most. All bringing back memories where she had neglected her own child. Where she had yelled at her for wanting something to eat. Noticing how skinny she had gotten and the hints of her no longer being her happy self. She continued to read up until the last page. Just as her mother was reading the last word. Her daughter walked into the door. “Mom that is private what do you think you are doing get out!” She yelled. Yet when her mother was about to grab the doorknob from the corner of her eye she saw her daughter begin to wipe her tears. Just then she grabbed her daughter by the arm and hugged her, tighter then ever before. “I know I have hurt you in the past, but I love you, and I am sorry, so please, let’s get you some help with there feelings you have been having.” Her mother said, and miraculously they both began heavily sobbing. Though it was a sad moment, it was the closest they had been in years.

Even when it is hard, asking for help will always be for the best and in the end, it will always be worth while.

THE END.