Sometimes there are moments when I cannot help but think that if there is a God, an all-seeing, all-knowing and omnipresent deity, then he must have a very cruel sense of humor. I was sixteen years old, and I worked at a local grocery store. Cooking chickens, making cold plates, slicing deli meats, you get the picture. It was a decent place to work- my co-workers were cool, the work was easy and the store was within walking distance of my parents home. As such, I found myself at the store very often, working away to save up for whatever financial goal I happened to be interested in at the time. It was a Saturday in the middle of January. Like so many other Saturdays from that period of time, I was back for another shift at the store. That night I was scheduled to work from 2pm until 8pm, and by all logic it should have been a normal shift, but alas, it was not.

Now, the store had its fair share of interesting personalities, and one of them (who for the sake of anonymity I will call Derek) worked in my department. That night, he and I were in charge. Derek was 21 years old, and although we were 5 years apart we were fairly good buddies. We shared a lot of the same social attitudes and our sense of humor was similar as well, and as such our two personalities meshed really well. Like any other Saturday night, we took it easy and chatted intermittently whilst completing our assigned work. That night, I was making cold-cut plates. You had to slice ten pieces of ham, chicken and roast beef, roll them up together so that each plate got a slice of each, and put coleslaw and potato salad on the other side of the plate. They were priced at $6.29 each, if I recall correctly, and after completing about ten plates I went to restock the entertainment display. 

When I say that Derek was an interesting personality, I mean it. He was a bit of a stoner, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to rip on his dab pen in the department’s walk-in fridge when there were no managers around. It wasn’t terribly uncommon for Derek to be just a tad bit high on the job, and it was the same story every time. I go to do something, say, stock the display case. He goes into the fridge. I come back sometime later, and he’s walking around our department, doing his tasks and giggling to himself. This particular Saturday was absolutely no exception, and for whatever reason this particular hit of marijuana seemed to flick a switch in his tiny brain, sending the night in a direction which I’ll never forget.

After stocking up the entertainment display I re-entered our department, “What’s up dude?”

“Not much, my man” Derek responded through his giggling. He was sitting on the back counter, texting and nibbling on a granola bar. “George is coming over soon”

“What? Why dude? This stuff always goes wrong when he comes around, dude!” I responded in a panicked voice. Listen, Derek was interesting, but George was beyond even that. He had a way of making even the smallest of interactions go absolutely nuclear in one way or another. George was a special breed- where he went, trouble followed. George and Dereak were good friends though, the two of them had met in junior high and had stuck together ever since. They would tell me about their wild times back in school, evading trouble and stopping at nothing to make it through another round of shenanigans. Whether it was with teachers, parents or other kids their age, they always had a story to tell about their goofy days back in boyhood. Still though, the two of them in one place always ended with trouble, and I was mildly concerned. “When is he coming over?” I asked. 

“He says he has a wild story to tell us, dude” Dereak replied, “He’ll be over at 6:30”

“Really?” I said, glazing at the clock. It was nearly six. I had roughly 30 minutes to brace for impact. 

“Yeah, 6:30. He’s got something in the Meat Department that he has to fix before he visits” Derek remarked. 

“Ok, yeah alright. Sounds good.” I responded. 

“By the way” Derek started again, “Who’s the girl you’ve been talking to in the Bakery?”

I blushed, “Oh her, yes” I began, “Ah, we just go to school together. We’re the same age”

“Hmm. Sure” Derek laughed, “What’s her name?”

“Why do you need to know that, Derek?” I replied, weary of his intentions.

“If you don’t give me a name, I’ll have to assign her a nickname!” Derek probed. I remained awkward and silent. “Hmm, well her hair is the same color as Katlyn’s” Derek continued. Katlyn was a 40-year-old mother of five children that worked in our department. “Yeah, maybe we’ll call her mini-Katlyn, since she’s younger” He laughed, “Yeah, that’s kind of funny, eh? Mini-Katlyn!”

“Yeah dude” I said. It was a little funny. Katlyn was a bit of a running joke between the two of us. She occasionally displayed some odd antics, and in our otherwise bland department it made for a good laugh from time to time. “Listen, I’ll just tell you the name. I’m sure you’ll figure it out either way”

“Ooh!” Derek exclaimed. “Spit it out!”

“Her name is May,” I revealed, “and I’d like for this conversation to end here”

“Sure, I guess” Derek seemed disappointed, “I wish you weren’t so awkward” he continued with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, really though.” I added. I didn’t mind Derek’s gentle teasing. It made for a more interesting shift, if nothing else. I continued my work- I had to make quarter chicken plates next. May and I had been talking for a while. Her and I were in the same french class, and as such we got to know each other fairly well. On top of that, we both worked at the same store (I can’t quite recall if she was there before me or not), and so quite a connection was forged between the two of us by the simple volume of exposure. Admittedly, as the months went on I began to develop feelings for her, but I was always too shy and socially awkward to express these feelings to her. I certainly didn’t mind talking to her though. It wasn’t uncommon for her to pop over to my department while she was on break to chat. I liked it. As time continued to pass I began to gain a little confidence around her. As of that Saturday, I was beginning to feel as though maybe I’d eventually have a chance to make a move. I feel like Derek felt that, too. He had been witness to a few of those chats, and when she returned to her department at their conclusion I was always confronted with Derek’s curiosity-fueled questions. As I went through the steps to make the quarter chicken plates, my thoughts began to wonder. I wonder how she feels about me, I thought. Maybe I should just go for it, I continued. Nah, no way. She just thinks we’re friends. I’m really not that good-looking.

“Oh! It’s 6:23!” Derek shouted, interrupting my train of thought. “Bro are you ready?”

“Oh yeah, Derek, it’s gonna be real!” I exclaimed. I was just finishing up my quarter chicken plates then. That half-hour had flown by. I rushed to clean up my post before George’s arrival. I doubted any work would get done whilst he was here. 

I served a couple customers some chicken and fries before wiping down a couple slicers, eyeing the meat display across the store where George was surely lurking. After about ten minutes, he emerged from behind a display case stocked with ground beef and hamburger patties and began slowly walking across the floor to our department. “Derek, look who’s here” I eventually said. 

“Ahh sick! Wassup Georgey?” Derek began. “How’s the Meat Department?”

“Wassup you two goofs?” George began, “Not a whole lot going on in Meat tonight, boys. Came here to chill, yknow”

“Based, based” Derek remarked.

“Can I take a hit, bro?” George asked.

“Oh yeah, buddy!” Derek said enthusiastically, “Right here in the fridge, though. We don’t want the managers to see” The two of them retreated into the cooler, and I, seeking entertainment above all else, followed as well. Derek reached into the depths of his apron and produced a bulky, metallic dab pen. He flicked it on and handed it to George. George placed it between his lips and sucked on it as hard as ever. After what must have been 30 seconds of straight inhalation, he passed it back to Derek. “You want a hit, lil bro?” He asked me. “It’s pretty strong tonight, you’d only have to hit it for a second”

“Nah man, I’m good,” I replied sternly. “Y’all are a bunch of addicts”

“Sheesh, alright man” Derek returned. “I suppose you are kind of young for this stuff”

“Yeah, I am,” I said in a dry tone.

We emerged from the fridge. The store was unusually slow, and instead of walking out to see crowds of customers we were confronted by a strange scene- the store was almost completely empty. Upon seeing this, my stress levels from the two of those goofy goobers dropped back down to a comfortable level- zero. With nothing to do, the three of us settled into conversation,

“I was exploring this abandoned house over the weekend,” George said. “It was super weird. It’s in town, off of Prince Street, and it had all kinds of goofy stuff in it. The walls were all chipped and the paint was super flaky. The floor in kitchen was covered in garbage and some kind of sludge”

“Damn,” Derek said.

“Yeah dude, it was kinda crazy. The living room was all torn up. The TV was sitting on the floor and the chairs were completely covered in cobwebs bro” George started again, “and then we went upstairs- bro it was crazy up there!”

“What did you find?” I asked, curious.

“Bro it was mental! We found the bedroom. The guy who lived there must have been a total weirdo!” George exclaimed.

“What was in there?” I asked, intrigued by George’s story.

“Bro there was a massive stack of magazines, yknow” George giggled, “The pile was like this high” he straightened out his hand and held it near his waist.

“Magazines?” I was confused as to what was so funny.

“Bro they were porn magazines! This guy, bro!” George laughed. The three of us were soon chuckling, our eyes watering as we gasped for breath, the laughter all but consuming us.  

“Bro what the hell!” Derek exclaimed through his laughter, “What a creep! Like who buys magazines like that, of all things!” We continued laughing.

“The best part is, boys, I brought a bunch of them back with me!” George said, fighting back his chuckling.

“You did not!” Derek yelped in disbelief. 

“Like actually,” I added. “You couldn’t have. Firstly, why? Secondly, how?”

“You don’t believe me? Well!” George shot back. “I swear man, they’re in my truck!”

“Yeah, well anyway, that’s pretty weird bro” I responded. “Never a dull night with you here, I won’t lie”

“Oh, you best believe!” George responded. 

“That’s lit, bro!” Derek added. “You should show us them sometime! That’d be funny as hell!”

“Bro you’re a weirdo!” George giggled. “But sure, sometime I will!”

“You guys are wildin’ tonight, I won’t lie” I said. What a story to hear on a Saturday night in a place as dull as this, I thought. 

“I might be back later, guys. See ya!” George remarked before leaving. 

* * *

Sometime later, around 7:10, I was finishing up the last of my tasks for the night. It had been super slow (to say the least), and I was ready to get everything done so that I could just relax and get ready to go home. All this being said, I was doing a few dishes. Dish after dish, I rushed through the soapy, grimey mess with overheated fingertips, ready to get the job completed and the night concluded. Chicken racks, salad containers, mixing bowls- my sink had everything you could imagine in it. All that and the kitchen sink, I thought, laughing at my unfunny joke. All that and the damn kitchen sink…

“Hi Cal!” an excited young voice said. It was May- my heart skipped a beat. 

“Oh, uhh, hey! What’s up? Super slow tonight, eh?” I responded quickly.

“Yeah! It was so slow on cash when I was up there earlier! Did you guys have many customers earlier?” she returned.

“Well, yeah, a few,” I responded. 

“That’s cool” she remarked, her facial expression changing slightly, “Have you been talking to Andrew at all lately?” she added. Andrew was a former classmate of ours. 

“No, not really, why? What’s up?”

“Oh, he’s being a dork! I was talking to someone he knows from the other school and she said that Andrew said I’m acting strange and that he  wanted us all to talk about it and then…” her words faded off as her rant continued. She’s so fine, I thought to myself, staring into her eyes as she spoke, I really need to consider making the move I’ve been thinking of. “Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, Cal. In case he talks about it to you”

“Oh, for sure!” I replied, realizing I didn’t pick up much of her story. I got distracted, I said to myself. I looked over to Derek for a moment, of course he’s looking at this convo go down, I thought. He seemed to be staring at something near the front end. I couldn’t quite tell what.

“Thanks, I needed to tell someone about all this. It's so cool we both work here, Cal!” May said, melting me a little. I was still peeking towards the front end, trying to figure out what Derek was looking at. He was giggling now.

“It’s not a problem at all. Anyway, are you up to much this weekend?” I replied, hoping to maybe move the conversation in a desirable direction.

“Oh, not much, just the usual” she started, “I work tomorrow from one until-”

“Oh sh*t” I whimpered. George was walking towards us- with a magazine rolled in his hand. 

“What is it?” May asked.

“George please don’t” I begged. 

“Here’s that thing you wanted, dude!” he said as he shoved a hardcore pornographic magazine into my hand. In an instant, I was red as a beet. 

“What’s THAT?” May asked in a heightened voice.

“George why the hell, man? I began, “Like really? Couldn’t you just…not?”

“My bad, bro!” George and Derek were floored from their laughter. I as nearly floored from humiliation. 

“You guys are terrible!”

“Is that porn?” May said, laughing almost nervously.

“Umm…yes” I started, “I swear to god though, this has nothing to do with me”

“No, no I believe you! It’s ok!” May reassured me. 

“Well, uh, thanks” I said. My life felt over. 

“Well, my break is just about over, Cal. See ya” May said. She walked away slowly as I began to rant to Derek and George about how heartless they were. 

She never spoke to me again.