Dear Angel,

I hope you like your name. When I laid my eyes upon you that was the only thing that I could think would fit. Because you’re my little angel. I know you aren’t sure it fits you, but it can work, right? If not, we can talk about it, right? But I think you’ll learn to love it, just like how I love you.

I’ll love you always,

Dad

Dear Angel,

It hurts so much when you cry. It feels like a part of me is dying. I know you only cry when you’re hurt, so if you want to talk about it, Dad’s office is always open. Now, I know you’re not in the mood for a letter right now, and you need alone time, so I thought that a letter would be better than coming into your room and making you feel worse with my presence. I’m sorry you had a bad day.

Love,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I know Lloyd gets on your nerves a lot, I can’t do much about it except scold him, calm him down, and try to move on from that. But he’s your brother. Yes, you’re a few years older than him, but can you try to deal with him more calmly? I know his constant annoyance drives you insane, but I think your outbursts are exactly what Lloyd wants. Do you think you can try to make peace with him? Afterward, you guys might become good friends? Do you think? For me?

Even if it doesn’t work, trying will make me happy.

Dad

Dear Angel,

I hope you talk to girls… or boys or anyone you like, as long as you’re making friends or at least one. I hope you like your name, and I hope no one makes fun of you but I’ll love you the same. Even though your silly parents gave you that name. You seem so lonely all the time, and it makes me sad. I know you’ve been getting along better with Lloyd, but it doesn’t seem like you’re friends with him. I have news, you’re going to have another brother. I know you might not like this at first, and this is not the way you would expect this kind of news to come, but I’m going to need your help with him. I hope you can bond with him and you two will love each other like family.

Dear Angel,

I know it’s been hard since mom left, she… wasn’t happy, and she decided that Lloyd, Max, and me were too much for her. I know she still loves you though. You were always her little baby, and she lit up whenever she saw you. I know having a baby in the family while you and Max and a lot older can be challenging. But You’re doing great! I’m so proud of you, Angel. Do you think you want to go to the park this weekend? The weather’s supposed to be nice, and I know you always enjoyed your walks with Mom and me when you were a kid. Skipping along the path, you looked so cute. I promise I won’t bring my heavy tank, I’ll bring the portable one so that you don’t have to slow down too much for me.

Looking forward to it already,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I hope you like your name. I know it’s been a while since one of these and it seems like you’re all grown up. My little angel’s all grown up. I’m glad you were able to make some friends, and help with Max and Lloyd. You’re a great person, and I’m happy to be your dad. I haven’t been doing so well, I might need a little more help before my angel becomes an adult. I know you have your friends to disappoint by helping me, and that it’s already hard enough considering Max is still in diapers, but it would be really great. If not, I’ll ask Lloyd. Remember, it’s ok to say no. I know you’ve had a little trouble saying no.

Love you,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I’m sorry, but I’m going to need you to be responsible while I’m away. The doctors are going to see if they can help me. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t good news, especially since you’re already ashamed enough that I’m your dad. I’m sorry. I can’t fix this. I just need you to be good for me. I’ll be back in a few days, so you won’t have to be a parent full-time, just this week. But it’ll be fine. Everything will go back to normal. You’ll just have to drop Lloyd off at school and watch Max until after school when Lloyd gets back, then, after that, it’s just like a normal night besides me not being there. I’ll make sure to stock up on the best hugs for when I get back. Also, you might need to take off work on Thursday, but it’ll only be this one time. Thanks again, this means a lot to me.

Love you lots, I’ll see you on Sunday,

Dad

P.S. Lloyd has been struggling in school a little bit again, mostly just focusing, and he’s said he’s trying but his ADHD is difficult to conquer. If you could help him, that would be great.

Dear Angel,

Well, Lloyd got suspended. It’s probably best to let him be, I already had a talk with him. I was thinking to get all of you a treat, do you have any ideas? I know lately you’ve been staying in your room, are you doing ok? I’ve noticed you’ve been hanging out with your friends less. Do you want to talk about it? It’s ok if not, I just want to make sure you’re doing ok. You know I love you, right? You remember that walk we had in the park a couple of years ago? Is there anything else you’d like to do with me?

Love,

Dad

P.S. Hopefully Lloyd will do better, I’m so proud of you that you were able to get through school without problems.

Dear Angel,

Well, how are you holding up? I can’t knock on your door anymore, because you’re just a little bit further away than just down the hall. I’m glad Lloyd was willing to help you pack and unpack your stuff, Max didn’t help, but a 5 year old can’t really do that much. Lloyd’s been really reserved since his suspension, it’s kind of worrying. What do you think I should do? You’ve always been really smart about dealing with him. I miss you. Are you busy this weekend? Maybe you could come down to see Max, I know how much you love him(and don’t make the mistake, he is the cutest thing). I hope you’re adjusting well to your new place, is work good? Never mind, I know you get tired of these letters. I just like to send them to show that I care. I hope you keep these letters, I won’t always be able to send them. What if I run out of PAPER? Haha, I make myself laugh in the dumbest ways. My little angel, all grown up. Hm, it’s strange to see you like this.

But I still love you,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I know it’s been a while, and considering your track record, you don’t really care to see me anymore. I’ve been doing alright. It’s just me and Max right now, he’s such a funny kid. I wish you would come down and see him, Lloyd comes down at least once a month to have fun with the little goofball. Lloyd just started college, as you know from him telling you, so it’s just me and Maxie here, and Lloyd’s too busy to visit frequently. I would love to see you again. I can’t really go visit you, it’s just too much effort for me. I know, only a thirty minute drive? That’s too much? Yeah. I’ve been fatigued a little, but I still have time to work from home, be a good parent to Max, and make sure he does good in school. Have you made any new friends? Have you met anybody special? Please, my angel, I just want to be a part of your life. You don’t need to get mad at me when I ask you about your day… It’s ‘cause I want to hear about your day.

I hope your day has been good,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday, you know it takes a great deal of effort for me to yell, especially at you. But I just don’t understand why you were so mad. Maxie was already asleep(I hope), and I was just trying to see how my angel has been doing. You seemed off, and then you yelled at me for parenting you wrong, but the time to fix that is long gone. Also, I forgot to give you that hug I waited years for when you left. You were so ready to leave. I don’t need to be a part of everything in your life, but can you please remember to love your dad as much as he loves you? Before these letter run dry? 

I still love you,

Dad

Dear Angel,

Do you still hate me? I haven’t heard from you since my last letter, and that was a few months ago. I heard Lloyd’s been doing well, I’m so proud of him, and you. I’ve been calling you every day, in the hopes you’ll say something else, a different response to the same questions, one that’s actually real. Please, I just want you to be happy, and right now, I’m not feeling it. Don’t think I don’t love you. I’m worried about you, that is all.

Love,

Dad

Dear Angel,

Thanks for coming to “hang out” with Max while I was at the hospital. I loved seeing your face when you saw him, you looked so happy. I wish I could see that happy face more often. I know you don’t care much for me anymore, and you only wanted to come down to see Max, and hopefully Lloyd when he has time to come down. Maybe when that happens you can come down and it’ll be the four of us again? I would love that. We could all be together for at least one more time. Angel, I’m not going to get better, you know that. I’ve steadily been getting worse your entire childhood, and now, even if you didn’t/don’t notice. Please, come see me before that option is taken away.

Please,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I heard you moved to a bigger place, that’s great! I was wondering if you could take Maxie for the weekend, I need to get treated for something. Also, Lloyd told me he was planning to come down next weekend, so I was wondering if you had anything special in mind to do? I know it’s the middle of winter and it isn’t easy to do stuff outside, but you’re smart, I know you’ll think of something.

Love,

Dad

P.S. I’m glad you went to rehab. That took a lot of strength to go through.

Dear Angel,

I enjoyed our weekend with Lloyd, you two looked like you were best friends, and I wish I could experience that weekend forever. Now, I think it’s important you talk to grandma and grandpa so you three can make arrangements for the future. I know, this isn’t going to be easy, but I’m still kicking around right now. I just wanted to let you know that that should be in your noggin. I don’t think I can hold onto Maxie posthumously, so… do you think you and Lloyd could figure something out for him? It doesn’t have to be now, but it needs to happen at some point. I love you, my dear Angel.

I’m sorry this news had to be delivered in this way,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I think Lloyd told you, but I’m in bad shape. I’m hoping you can take Max for the near future, and… maybe a little longer than just the near future. You did a great job when he was small, you can do this, right? I told him you might come to pick him up, and that everything will be fine. But… I’m not so sure about that. I love you, Angel. No matter what. No matter how many more times I say it, it will always be true.

Love,

Dad

Dear Angel,

I’m so glad that you came to see me in the hospital, even with me struggling to keep a conversation going, wheezing and all. You looked terrified, like you had just realized how bad I was doing. That makes sense. I didn’t want you to see me like that, and these monitors are annoying, at the very least Dr. Holt allowed me to still write to you. He thought that was a good idea. Angel, laughing hurts, breathing hurts, I hate all the stuff plugged into me, I wish it was possible to get better, not just sustain my life until I die. It’s bittersweet that I didn’t see Max; on one hand, I would have loved to see him one more time, but on the other, I don’t want his last memory with me to be something like that. Hopefully I see you again soon.

Dear Angel,

Well, my lungs finally gave out, but I’m sure you must’ve thrown me a heck of a funeral. I’m not entirely sure what was going on, because somebody locked me in a big box! I bet it was hard for you, Lloyd, and especially Maxie, he was so young. Well, my little angel, I’ll be waiting on the other side, without oxygen tanks, without getting winded by walking up the stairs at a snail’s pace. I’m free, my angel. The only thing missing on this side is you guys. I’m gonna miss you, and Lloyd, and Max. But I’ll be watching, have no doubt about it, like some spiritual santa claus. Unfortunately, I can’t beam down some presents from this side(at least I haven’t tried yet), so my eyes watching you will just have to be enough. Make sure to attend Lloyd’s graduation for me, and Max’s life, and everything past that. I’ll try to send someone special your way, and then maybe you can have your own family. But even without me quite knowing how your life is going to go from here, I’ll still love you and be proud of you from this side. I’ll still love you. I guess this is goodbye.

I’ll see you when you’re an angel, my angel,

Dad

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to you just because I saw you deteriorating. It was scary to watch, I couldn’t talk to you. And now you’re gone. I will say, Lloyd did write a hell of a eulogy, but I would rather have you still here than a grand eulogy right now. I wish I could see you again. But I guess I’ll have to wait. I remember how you would smile every time you would see me, and I would do nothing. I’m a horrible person. I have so many questions to ask you. Why would you leave Max with me? Why would you trust me with someone so important? Why did mom really leave? I want to know so much, but it’s too late. I miss you, Dad. And even though yes, it was a great funeral, Gran and Gramps pitched in a lot. I used to hate your stupid letters, or at least, I thought they were stupid. But now, they’re the only thing left of you besides heavy, unused oxygen tanks. I guess I’ll just have to wait to see you again, and tears and letters and all the grief that will last probably an eternity can’t change the fact that I have to wait. But I will wait, and you will be proud of me. I know you’re finally free, dad, and that makes me happy. Even though I’m not sure I can deliver this letter, I know you’ll find a way to read it.

Love,

Angel

P.S. Max and Lloyd miss you very much, too.