Lights were flashing before my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. No this can’t be real. I could feel tears flowing down, my heart racing fast. As I head towards the hospital, I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins. Please let him be safe. Please be okay. I can’t lose you now, I thought.
His mother pulled me inside. When I entered the cold, empty room I caught a glimpse of his face. There he was, so pale, so fragile. Just from looking at him, I could feel all his pain.
“What happened to him?” I asked his mother.
“I think he was driving to your house. He even bought some flowers for you,” she choked out, giving me a crumpled bouquet. “Then the car crashed.”
I held the flowers like it was the most precious thing in the world. I haven’t even talked to him this whole week, especially after our fight. I started praying every night hoping for a miracle to come.

After two weeks, I didn’t hear any news about him. His mom never called, and the doctor didn’t either. I decided to head out. A note fell down my door as I opened it. It read:
I’m sorry I can’t tell you this personally. I knew it would really hurt you.
I’m sorry, I really am. But you know my son, he’s- let’s just say that his
soul isn’t on earth anymore. I’m so sorry. His funeral will be tomorrow at 3pm.




See you there, hun. -Mrs. Brent
I dropped the letter in my hand while tears unconsciously rolled down my eyes. I closed the door and slid slowly to the bottom of the cold floor, covering my face. I couldn’t breathe. My mind was filled with a dozen of thoughts. I wanted him to be here. I wanted to hug him tightly and tell him that I loved him. It’s all my fault. If I didn’t make him leave, maybe he would still be here. Samantha, how could you be so stupid.

The light shined on my face. It’s Saturday. The day of his funeral. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wish I could sleep and never wake up. But I have to. To see him for the last time. I let out a groan as I forced myself to get out of bed. My hand reached for the phone, dialing his number. A tear ran down my face as I heard his voicemail. This is the only way I will get to hear his voice. I kept replaying it. It hurt so much, but it felt so good to finally hear his voice again. I heard my voice in the background telling him to get back here. I sounded so happy. Now, I’m just a mess.
I stepped out the door. I left the house wearing a black dress I wore on one of our dates. It reminded me of how we used to be so inseparable. Tears burned my eyes but I dared not to let them fall. I decided to quicken my pace, not wanting to keep my mom waiting. She greeted me with a warm smile when I got into the passenger’s seat.
“Sweetie are you okay? “ I looked at her face. Her eyes were filled with concern.
I forced a smile.
“I’m okay mom, don’t worry.”
She looked at me, not believing anything I said. She knew that I didn’t want to talk about it. She simply smiled and let out a sigh.
“You know, if you want to talk about it, then I’m always here for you honey. Got that?”
“Yes mom.” I smiled.
“Now let’s go to his funeral. We don’t want to be late.” She grinned.
The car ride felt so long. The graveyard was just 5 minutes away, but it seemed like I was stuck there for at least two hours. It’s funny how you appreciate someone more when they’re gone. So many things you wished you could tell them, so many things you regret not doing.
“Here we are,” my mom said, interrupting my thoughts.
I walked into the building, the place where he was at. I saw his open casket, and immediately, I ran towards it, not even bothering to notice a few people giving me weird stares. He looked so beautiful. He still had that brown long hair that I told him he should cut, even if I knew I loved it, and that bracelet I gave him a year ago. I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I hugged him as tight as I could. If only Athena saw what I was doing. She’d laugh at me for hugging this dead body. She was my best friend, the one I came to with all my problems. I didn’t hear from her at all for the past few weeks, but it was fine. I really needed some time to myself.

I didn’t care what she’d think. This was the last time I could personally see him, so I had to make this worth it. I wiped my tears away. I held his hand, the way I held the flowers.
“You know, I really, really, really didn’t want you to go. Everything is all my fault. I love you, and I wish I could’ve told you that. I know you probably don’t hear me, but just know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m glad you came into my life.”
“C’mon sweetie. Let’s get a seat before the funeral starts,” my mom said, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, okay.” I nodded
Giving a final glance at his face, I searched for an empty spot in the crowd. I spotted Mrs. Brent waving, urging us to come sit at the seats beside her and Mr. Brent. Mom smiled when she saw her and led me to them.
“Hey, is everything going okay for you?” Mrs. Brent asked
“Yeah. Everything’s perfectly fine,” I said weakly.
“It’ll get better.” She smiled.
“I hope so,” I let out a mumble.
I don’t get it. How could she and Mr. Brent still manage to look stable even after hearing the death of their son? Maybe they’re actually broken inside, like me.
“Let’s sit down. The funeral’s about to start,” Mom said, choosing a seat beside Mrs. Brent.
I tried focusing on the funeral, but I couldn’t. My mind was completely engaged in something else. Everything was just happening so fast. I was completely overwhelmed. Three weeks ago, he was in my room. We were enjoying ourselves, laughing our butts off. Now he’s in a casket, and if it wasn’t for me he’d probably still be here. I looked up, trying not to let any more tears fall.
“Samantha. Are you alright?” Mom whispered.
“I’m fine Mom, it’s just that.. I miss him so much.” I tried my hardest to not let my tears fall. It wasn’t as easy as others would think.
“Oh honey, when time comes, it’ll eventually get better,” she reassured me, squeezing my hand.
I sat there not even listening to the funeral. I didn’t even come up to speak for him. I would’ve had a meltdown right there, in front of everyone. My mind started running around like crazy. If only I could escape my thoughts... but I can’t.
Time quickly passed by and it was finally time to go. I waited for the room to be emptied by people who were just about to go home with tears stained on their faces.
“I’ll wait in the car so you can say goodbye to him, for one last time,” my mom said. I nodded and walked towards the altar, to his casket. It should’ve been me laying there. Why isn’t it me?

I pressed my lips on his cold face. A shiver went through my spine. For a second, I felt like he was really here. And just like before, I felt the butterflies in my stomach everytime we touched. It was scary to still have feelings for someone without being able to do anything about it. I just stood there, hugging his dead body.

“Excuse me ma’am, but are you done?” The man in a red suit asked. He was probably going to take him out and bury him. I would never be able to see him again. I wouldn’t let that happen. Instead of moving back and letting him take it, I held onto the casket as tight as possible.

“I won’t let you take him!” I cried. He tried gently pulling me away, but I didn’t let him. I screamed and shouted at him. “I love you, and I’m so sorry,” I told my deceased boyfriend, for the last time. Finally the man pulled me hard enough that I fell on the floor. I just sat there, screaming and crying, until no sound came out. I felt helpless. I closed my eyes, and let my mind take me away, with the last tear falling out.


The alarm went off. I woke up on my bed. It was Monday. I had to go to school. I wasn’t ready for this. I wouldn't be able to see him anymore, or exchange glances with him as we passed by each other through the halls. There wouldn’t be eyes looking at us, being jealous of how we were together. But now he’s gone. I don’t even know if there’s still an ‘us’ anymore, even though in my mind, I was completely his. For a second I felt like throwing up. I knew I couldn’t do this. I just layed in my bed, waiting for time to pass.

“SA-SA-SAMANTHAA!” My best friend came into my room yelling out my name.

“Oh my gosh, what are you doing here? I missed you so much,” I said, feeling so relieved. I really needed her right now.

“What else, silly? I knew you needed me, and your mom called me to come over, anyways,” she replied.

“Don’t you have school?”

“I’d skip school just for you,” Athena said, placing a hand on my shoulder with a smile, winking. That’s my best friend right there. Since middle school. It’s funny how we ended up as best friends. She was the complete opposite of me. She’s gorgeous, I’m just okay. She has tons of guys going after her, I only had one boy that truly loved me. That one boy, is now gone. I hate this. Whatever I think of always leads to him. Everything reminds me of him. Ugh, I wish I could stop, but I can’t.

I felt like bursting into tears. My throat started feeling sore and that’s when my eyes started watering. Athena just gave me a hug, knowing that there were a lot of things on my mind. She tried her best to comfort me, but it was all for nothing. No matter what people would say or do wouldn’t make me feel any better.

The whole day was just filled with tears. I didn’t even feel like getting up. Athena tried her best to put a smile on my face, but it didn’t work.

“Samantha, cheer up. You can’t just sob in bed all day,” she said sternly.

“I’m sorry. I just honestly feel like my life is over. I’ll never be able to date or look at someone the same way again. It hurts so much. I’m so s-”

“You don’t know that. There’s plenty of guys out there.” She cut me off.

“Yeah, but those guys aren’t like him,” I said coldly. No one understands. Even my best friend doesn’t understand what I’m feeling right now. I wanted to cry even more, but I didn’t want to disappoint her.

There was a long moment of silence.

“Look, I’m sorry for being so harsh earlier. But you can’t just be sad all the time. I’m just scared for you, Sammy.”

Sammy. That name made my heart sink deeper. He used to call me Sammy. I haven’t been called by that name for such a long time, and he was the only one that actually did. I bursted into tears, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to stop thinking about him. Athena gently patted her hand on my back, feeling apologetic for calling me by my nickname.

“Samantha, I gotta go home. It’s getting late and dark outside,” Athena said.
I looked outside the window and realized that I’ve been crying all day. I looked at my clock and it read: 9:03. I wiped my tear-stained face and tried my best to smile.

“Sorry that you had to comfort me all day. I’m really sorry for wasting your time.”

“Girl, it’s fine. Anything for you. Just call if you need me.” She stood up to get her things and walked to the door, looking back to smile at me.
“Get better Samantha. If you need me I’ll always be here for you. I understand everything you’re going through,” she said, giving me one final look and walked out my bedroom door, closing it behind her.
I looked around the room and sighed. I felt the emptiness coming back again, making my stomach twist. I haven’t eaten all day. I couldn’t. I decided to skip dinner since I wanted to be alone. I laid the pillow down, allowing my head to sink into the cushion, facing the window outside my bedroom. The beautiful city filled the view and I could see the headlights of every car driving on the street. Cars. Accidents. Memories of how he died started flooding back and the tears started welling up in my eyes. I started to cry myself to sleep, thinking of how I could escape this traumatizing experience.
For the past few days, I’ve been trapping myself inside my bedroom. Mom would always come over to check and see if I was okay.
“Whenever you’re ready, just tell me. I’ll always be here,” Mom said handing me some food.
I nodded meekly as I stared down at the bowl of cereal in my hands.
Eating has become more difficult, walking required more effort, and dreams have turned into nightmares. Having to wake up, barely eating anything all day, and spending all my time in bed became my everyday routine. It was really tiring to always feel depressed and not worthy enough to do anything. All of these days have been full of tears and thoughts that brought me down even more. I didn’t even know if I could do this any longer.
I stared at the blade I was holding in my hand. Should I do it? I kept pacing back and forth through my room, deciding whether or not I should. I finally came to my decision and held the blade in my shaking hands. My hand dragged slowly along with the blade against my skin. One cut by another, I felt the stress slowly coming off my shoulders. Suddenly, I found myself actually enjoying the pain. No wonder people cut themselves. It’s better to feel physical pain than emotional pain. Being hurt in the inside was something, but physically hurting yourself was another. A tear slipped out of my eyes as I watched the blood flowing out of my wrist. I lied down in bed, trying my best to not let my blood stain my sheets. I couldn’t let anyone know about this. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.
When does it get actually better? I thought as I stared up at the ceiling.


I slowly opened my eyes, the sun blinding me. I looked down on my arm, filled with cuts, still red from last night. I slowly put on a sweater. No one would guess that I’d hurt myself at all if they had no clue about it. I decided to get out of my room and go downstairs for the first time. It’s been awhile. I’ve been breathing the same air for exactly a week now. I had to get up some day.
“Honey? Is that you?” My mom wondered, hearing my steps as I walked down the stairs.
“Yes, it’s me. I thought it would be nice to have a little change in my routine.”
I watched her smile a bit. I felt glad that there was someone out there that I could make happy. Maybe, I’m worth living after all.
“That’s great. Is there anything I can do for you? What would you like to eat?” she asked uneasily. I could tell she was tired.
“Mom, no I’m fine, I’m fine, don’t worry. You need to rest,” I assured her.
Before she could say anything, I gave her a calm look to let her know that everything was okay. Everything wasn’t okay, but I honestly didn’t want her so worn out to the point that she could drop. I watched her walk up the stairs, as I poured some cereal into a bowl.
The phone started ringing.
“Hello?” I picked up.
Breathing. Breathing of a man was the only thing I heard.
“Who is this?”
I heard a woman yelling in the background.
“Hello?!” I said impatiently, hoping to hear a voice. Suddenly, the phone call broke.
I started feeling tense, my heart racing fast. After that phone call, fear added to my bucket of emotions. I felt like there was something I should know, because someone wouldn’t just call someone’s household for no reason whatsoever. I tried to just brush it off, but that phone call kept replaying in my head. I heard the slow, heavy breathing so clearly; it just couldn’t escape my mind.
I started eating my cereal to get my mind off things. I nearly choked. There were too many things on my mind already. I couldn’t just swallow some breakfast down my throat at a time like this. I’m still so young, and already, I have so many complications in my life. Who knew that this would happen? Who knew that a little girl would end up depressed 15 years later?
I chuckled. I still remember always wanting to grow up. I wanted to be a teenager and be big and pretty like them. Whenever I looked in the mirror, all I saw was ugly. But when I’m always around him, he always made me feel beautiful. Why? Of all people, why me? I’m not a strong person. I get hurt easily and it takes me long time to recover. Knowing that he’s not alive anymore makes me feel like there’s a big hole that’s being drilled in my chest. I miss him to the point where my heart actually hurts. I’m aching to hear his voice, I want to feel loved from him again.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen his face. 3 weeks of crying. 3 weeks of not having contact with anyone except my best friend and my mother. I had to go to school sometime and face the world. I wonder what the everyone’s reaction would be when they see me in school. I’m already sure they heard what happened to him. Everyone knew how close we are. All of these thoughts just made me not want to go to school anymore. But I have to. I didn’t want my grades to drop lower. Heck, who even wants to lay in bed all day doing nothing and feeling worthless?
I woke up two hours before school and forced myself out of my bed and into the shower. I like long showers. It gives me time to think about everything that’s happening in my life. Who knew that a lot of things could happen in just 3 weeks? Before our fight, I was this happy girl full of life that didn’t give a s*** about what anyone said about me. Because when I was with him, all my problems would go away. Now that he’s gone, I don’t have anyone in my life but my mom and Athena. My mom hasn’t been the same since dad died. She learned to get over it, but you could still see in her eyes that she’s hurting inside. I wonder if she feels the same way as I did when he died. I haven’t talked to Athena for the past few weeks now. She called and tried to check up on me at times, but I always pushed her away and ignored her. Today is the day that I will have to face her.

After a nice, long hot shower, I changed myself into my clothes, not even bothering to put any makeup on and went downstairs.
I tried my best not to wake my mom up so she wouldn’t have to worry about driving me to school. Instead I wrote a note on the kitchen table: “Mom, I decided to go to school today. I’m completely fine now, so don’t worry.”
I shut the door and walked to school. It was a long, 15 minute walk, but I could care less because I had nothing better to do.
My hands trembled as I walked up to the front desk in the office.
“Samantha, you’ve finally decided to go back to school?” said the lady in the front desk.
“Yes Ma'am,” I mumbled. She handed me a paper which asked for all my basic information and the reason for missing school. I started shaking when I had to fill that part of the form out. I was reminded of all the tears I’ve been going through, all the thoughts that have been in my mind. And most importantly, I was reminded of him. I walked up to the lady and handed her back the form. She did a quick scan, making sure I didn’t miss any of them and stopped to read the reasons for my absence. She softened as she read it and give me a pitiful look. I hated that.
“Actually Samantha, you don’t have to complete all this missing work. I see what you’ve been going through, and I’m so sorry for your loss. You can finish some, but I won’t let your teachers mark you down for something you didn’t do,” she reassured me with a smile.
“Okay..” I sighed. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to feel like I’m helpless. It just brought me down even more. I felt like a burden, and that’s when the feelings of sadness and weakness started washing over me.
As I walked out of the office and into the hallway, I started looking for Athena. Half of the time, I was putting my head down, and the other was to search for her. People around started whispering and talking about me.
“Oh my gosh. She’s back.”
“Who is she?”
“Wasn’t she the girl whose boyfriend is dead?”
“He was really cute. How did she ever got a boyfriend like him anyways?”
Tears started forming in my eyes from reminded about him. I forced them back, not letting anyone see how vulnerable I really am. While I was pushing people out of my way to find my best friend, I bumped into someone. Hard.
“Hey, watch where you’re going,” a deep, angry voice said.
I looked up as I saw Bryant, deep hatred burning in his eyes as he looked down on me. It’s him. The guy Athena warned me about. She told me he was trying to break me and my deceased boyfriend up, and that I shouldn’t talk to him at all. I looked at his face, and I couldn’t understand how a guy like him would ever do such a thing. He was tall, handsome, and if he was nice, he’d probably get any girl he wanted.

“Are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna get outta my way?” He smirked.

“Sorry.” I mumbled.

I pushed past him and walked towards Athena’s locker.

“I’m sorry,” I said apologetically, hoping she would forgive me for ignoring her and not being able to return her calls. Athena looked up at me surprised and stared at me for a moment. The next thing she did happened unexpectedly.

“It’s okay and oh god, Samantha, I’m so glad to see you!” She hugged me so tightly, I couldn’t breathe.

I tried pushing her back, because I felt so suffocated.

“What’s wrong?” She looked at me confused.

“Too tight!”

“Sorry, I just miss you so much!” She said enthusiastically, as I watched two girls come over to her.
“Who’s this?” They asked, looking at me with a weird facial expression.
“Oh. This is my friend, Samantha.” Athena introduced me to the girls who still haven’t changed their expression. When Athena addressed me as only a friend, I felt a pang in my heart.
“And Samantha, this is my friends, Amy and Abigail. I hung out with them during your heartbroken phase.”
“Sorry again.” I apologized sincerely.

“Don’t be. You guys were inseparable and I understand. I’m just glad you’re slowly getting over it.” she gives me a quick smile and bid goodbye to me and went to her class after the the bell rang. Amy and Abigail followed behind her glaring at me when they passed by me.
The whole school day passed by quickly. I usually sat with just Athena alone, but this time Amy and Abigail came to sit with us. I could tell they didn’t like me already, but I continued to try to get along with them.
When I got home, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I spotted a note on the counter. It read:
Guess what? I got another job working at the hospital as a nurse! I won’t come back till 5 in the morning. Leftovers from last night’s are in the refrigerator. Love you sweetie!










-Mom
I sighed, knowing that I won’t see my mom as much anymore.

Days have passed as I continued to cut myself each and everyday. I needed to ease my pain. It’s better than having to cry myself to sleep and feel worthless. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would hold it in any longer. Mom hasn’t been around that much lately. Having two jobs as a part time bartender at night and a nurse in the daytime. Athena has been hanging with Amy and Abigail a lot. I feel like I’m slowly losing my best friend. If she leaves, then I won’t be able to turn to no one anymore.

I checked my phone for the weather and did a double take when I saw that it was gonna be 83 degrees today. It’s usually cold in San Francisco. Ugh, how am I supposed to wear a long sleeve shirt today? I hope no one will notice. I didn’t want to think about this, so I just went straight to school, skipping breakfast today.

“Samantha, you look so skinny now a days.” Athena gasped.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I faked a smile.

“Aren’t you hot?” Athena asked, as she tried to pull up my sleeves.

My eyes widened, and with no thought, I pushed her away.

“Why won’t you let me pull up your sleeves? Is there something wrong?”

“Um.. no, I’m just not feeling that well today... my mom said I should keep this on” I lied. She gave me a suspicious look and turned away.

The class period passed, and we haven’t even said a word to each other since then. The day went by with my usual schedule, taking AP Biology, Pre-Calculus, and Spanish 2. I barely even payed attention to the teacher. My mind was completely taken by my thoughts. Thoughts that no one knew about. I mean, they wouldn’t care anyways, so why waste your time telling everyone? They all end up judging you in the end.



After school, I started walking home, not even bothering to ask Samantha for a ride. I could barely walk, and my mind made me feel completely weak. As I was just about to cross the road, a car came towards me so fast. I closed my eyes, hoping it would take me away.

It didn’t.

It came to a full, complete stop, and in a few seconds I watched a man come out of that black. shiny car.

“Remember me?” The man said, approaching me. That voice. I’ve heard it before. A bunch of times actually. He’s the man who was my mom’s ex. Ever since my dad died, she has been dating him for a year and a half. Until he proposed to her, my mom rejected his offer nicely. He started getting frustrated and he would always try to find ways to get back at us.

“What do you want?” I felt my voice shaking.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he whispered. I stepped back, knowing that he was at least 3 steps away from me. “Listen, Samantha. I won’t hurt you, don’t worry. I just wanted to let you know that what happened to your boyfriend wasn’t just an accident.”

“What?” What was that even supposed to mean?
“I killed him, honey.”
And at that moment, I took all my energy to run away. Why would he kill him? I felt like it was all my fault, but I didn’t even bother to cry. The feelings were just too much to handle, and it would make everything worse.
I went upstairs and took a quick shower to refresh my mind, changing into a short sleeved shirt and sweats. I heard the doorbell ring so I went downstairs to open the door. Athena. She stood right there, in front of my doorway. I quickly put my hands behind my back, making sure she wouldn’t see the cuts I have made.

“Hey Samantha, I thought you said you were sick..?” Athena asked. Dammit.

“Athena, wait. I need to tell you something... actually nevermind,” I shook my head. “Um.. I suddenly got hot from the heat and decided to change into more comfortable clothes.” I tried persuading her to believe me, but she didn’t buy it. She looked down at my arms that were hidden behind my back.

“You’re lying.”

She then grabbed my arm and that’s when I felt myself in great fear. Her eyes widened at how many cuts I made on myself. Both of my arms were filled across with cuts, some were deep, but some weren’t; each of them going in different directions, and each of them forming a scar that would never go away.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“Oh my god,” she said in a disgusted voice. “Samantha, why in the world are you doing this to yourself?!?” Athena looked at me like I had two heads. I knew she would judge. That’s why I kept it to myself. I looked down, feeling guilty for making Athena worried.

“I’m sorry. I-I just-”

“Sorry? SORRY?? Why the hell would you do this?!? Just because he died doesn’t mean you could do this to yourself. Face it. He’s gone. You can’t sit around all the day feeling depressed and s***. Just when I thought you were getting better.”

Something inside of me cracked. How dare she could just go to my house and start judging me after finding out I cut myself. She doesn’t even know what I’m feeling. So much for, “If you need me I’ll always be here for you. I understand everything you’re going through.”

“You know what? You don’t even know what I’m feeling. The boy I’ve loved ever since I laid my eyes on him, IS DEAD. I knew I couldn’t tell you. You always assume I’m alright when I’m dying inside. Always thinking the world revolves around yo-”

Athena lifted up her right hand and slapped me, leaving a red handprint mark and a burning pain on my right cheek.

“I do it cause I care about you. And you know what? I’m not the only one who’s a bad friend here. You've been avoiding my calls, being secretive about everything. You even lied to me. And now, you’re cutting yourself and you know I hate those type of people. Now that I realize it, I don’t care anymore. Why am I even hanging out with you? You’re nothing but an ugly emo girl now. If you ever want to talk to me, just don’t even try.” With that, she stormed out and into her car. I slammed the door shut right after she left. Tears were streaming down my face. I slid down the door, covering my face. Ugh. Deja vu. I’ve lost my boyfriend and now my best friend. So, can anyone tell me now, that it will actually get better? I think not.


Over the past course of week, things started to change between me and Athena. She started to hang out with the people everyone knew, including Amy and Abigail. The people in my school around me whispered as I sat alone at an empty table.

“I’m still confused of what happened between that girl and Athena.”

“It’s a good thing Athena dumped that little trash.”

I bit my lips, trying my best to keep quiet, not wanting my eyes to be filled with tears. I went to the girl’s bathroom to get away from everyone. As I started walking down the hall, someone bumped into me.

“Whoa, didn’t see you there.” That deep voice. It’s so familiar.

“Hey aren’t you Samantha? Sorry about the other day. I was in a bad mood so-”

I looked up as I saw the last person I’d want to see me cry. Bryant. I began collapse on the floor and Bryant held my arms as he watched me sob. No one was in the hallway but me and him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, concerned, bending down on his knees, while I was sitting on the cold, hard floor.

“D-d-does it look like I’m okay?”

I feel broken, worthless, and it honestly seems like no one cares about me at all. I have no one to turn to, nothing to smile about. He’s dead, and for a matter of fact, I’m losing my best friend, and my mom’s barely around anymore because of her jobs.

It wasn’t like I wanted to feel like this. If I had the chance to be happy, I’d take it. But it seemed so impossible. No matter how hard I’d try, nothing would put a real smile on my face. All my negative thoughts took over all the few, positive ones.
I feel so hopeless.

Bryant’s POV

I couldn’t stand watching Samantha like this. She looked so stressed, like she couldn’t take this anymore. I heard that her boyfriend died and now her best friend left her. That must be tough for a young girl like her to go through. I didn’t know how to comfort a girl, so I did my best and patted her lightly on the back. After another good five minutes, her shaking seemed to calm down for a little bit and her grip on me loosened slightly.

“Sorry if I burdened you.” She pulled back and looked up at me.

“No. It’s okay. I don’t mind.” I studied her face for a moment. She was an average looking girl. Not strikingly beautiful, but not ugly either. Just a plain face, even though in the inside, she was some hell of a girl. I decided to start talking to her everyday. Maybe she’d feel better if she knew she had a new friend that would be on her side.


Samantha’s POV

I waited there for a moment awkwardly as Bryant stared off into space with a blank expression. I looked away and cleared my throat. When I got up, Bryant snapped back to reality and slowly got up as well. My head followed him from where he got up. Dang. He’s tall. I was below his shoulder length.

I didn’t say anything as I grimaced and nodded at him.



Few weeks have passed by quickly, and I’ve noticed that Bryant and I have gotten closer. Now, I guess it’s safe to say that we’re friends. I like that word. Knowing that you at least have someone to turn to. Talk about your problems with. We’re not that close to do that yet. But finally, I actually have something to wake up and look forward to. Everyday, he would wake up early in the morning, and drive by my house to pick me up, so that I wouldn’t have to walk to school anymore. I find that sweet and very thoughtful of him.

“Ready Sam?” he said as I opened the door to the passenger’s seat. I nodded.
Sam. He gave me that nickname the other day. Even though we only met for a short time, I liked how he didn’t mention about the guy I love. I’m sure he knows about it, but choose not to bring it up. I frowned as I thought about him. Wondering if he’s watching me right now with a sadden expression.

I walked inside the school hallways with Bryant by my side. Eyes were piercing through my back, especially the irritated look on Athena’s face. Even though we weren’t friends anymore, I could still read her like an open book

The bell finally rang signalling that it was time for lunch. I hurriedly ran outside to find Bryant leaning on the wall, waiting for my by the door. My face lit up at the sudden surprise.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly.

He let out a soft chuckle and pulled his arms on top of my shoulder.

“C’mon Sam, I’m hungry.”

When we got our food and sit down on an empty table, I noticed that people still haven’t gotten over with the fact that me and Bryant are friends. Who wouldn’t? I don’t believe it either. I gave out a loud sigh.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” I looked up at him.

“Umm..Sam. Y-you got a little.” He chuckled as he reached up to wipe away the sauce on my bottom lips with a napkin. I immediately flustered and turned away from the embarrassment.

“Don’t worry. It’s gone now Sam.” He reassured me.

Athena’s POV

I saw Samantha and Bryant together. Laughing. Talking. Touching each other. I crushed the napkin in my hands at the sight of Bryant touching her face. Who does she think she is? It’s obvious that I like him. Just because we aren’t friends anymore, doesn’t mean she could steal him away from me. That’s why I alway reminded her to stay away from him several times. Because he’s mine. I smirked as I thought of a plan to get back at Samantha.

Samantha’s POV

After for a short moment, I heard a whistle and looked up to see where it came from. I saw Athena standing on a chair with a megaphone on one of her hand. Amy and Abigail were beside her.

“Attention. People. Attention,” the megaphone captured a bigger sound of how much loud Athena’s voice already is. Everyone looked up, including me and Bryant. I was starting to get curious in what she wanted to say. Athena gives me a cold, icy glare before turning to the crowd.

“I heard a lot of people were questioning on why I ditched Samantha. Am I right?” Some people looked at others, agreeing with her. Some people looked at me but, I turned my head away from them. Athena looked at me, wanting to see my reaction, which was a mix of confusion and shock. After my expression satisfied her, she gives a smirk turning her gaze from me to the crowd.

“Well, you guys are going to see what kind of girl Samantha really is.” Athena gave a signal to Amy and Abigail. They pulled out a big poster that had a picture of a girl with cuts all the way down from her wrist to her mid arm. Fear engulfed me as I realized that girl in the picture was me.

“This is a picture of a girl. Her name is Samantha and she cuts herself. Before I ditched her, after her boyfriend died. She wasn’t acting like herself. She started hurting herself and she didn’t even tell me. Her best friend. Now you guys all know the real truth behind why I ditched her. Samantha is an emo freak. I wouldn’t even care if she committed suicide.” Her tone of voice was filled with hatred, giving me chills down my spine.
People were staring at me right now, but the only thing I didn’t want was Bryant finding out that I did this to myself.

“Sam. Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, giving me a look full of hurt and confusion.

“I’m sorry,” was the last thing I said as I got up and ran towards the exit from the cafeteria. When I got to the girl’s restroom, I locked myself in a stall. Have you ever had a feeling where you’re too shocked to do anything but just stand there? That’s the feeling I’m having right now. My mind started processing what happened earlier. I realized that everyday from now on, people wouldn’t treat me the same. Tears started running down my face when I thought about Bryant. Will he ever treat me the same?

I decided to ditch school for the rest of the day. I thank god that today was Friday. I didn’t want to face the people at my school anytime soon, especially Bryant. Everyone knows about my cutting problems. Who knows? Bryant might leave me, thinking it’s not good for him to hang out with a girl like me. That would give him a bad reputation. I’m known as the emo kid at my school now. So I won’t be really surprise if he left. Everyone always leaves at some point.


Bryant’s POV

I couldn’t find Sam anywhere for the whole day. She just kind of disappeared and stormed out of the cafeteria after everyone found out the truth. I’m worried about her. She looked like she couldn’t hold it in any longer. A part of me was sad that she didn’t tell me. But another part understands that she didn’t wanted to tell me, fearing that I would leave her. I would never leave a girl like her. Funny how I only met her a couple weeks ago, and I already felt the sudden urge to protect her. I wanted to make sure she’s alright. I decided to give her some space and not go to her house after school. She probably doesn’t want to face me right now. Or anyone. Who wouldn’t? Especially if the entire school found out about their secret. I just hope she’s doing okay. People already started talking about Sam when she left. Rumors were spreading around like a wildfire.

“She’s such an idiot.”

“Who knew she would turn out to be this kind of girl.”
“She’s such an attention whore. Already stealing Bryant away from Athena. Let’s go teach that girl a lesson.”

I curled my fist up into a ball at the loudmouths talking in front of me. I swear, those girls couldn’t have said it any louder. Although they were whispering, I heard it like drums in my ears. Sam. I’ll always be here beside you. Protecting you. No matter what, please stay strong. I can already tell school will be hectic for her when she comes back.

Samantha’s POV

Throughout this weekend, I’ve been slipping into depression again lately. But this time, it’s going deeper. I already know what the people will do when I come back to school. I don’t even know if I’m going to be strong enough to handle it.

I looked in the mirror. I am so ugly. Why would anyone actually love someone like me? I just don’t get it. I’m a freak. I took gave a sigh and wiped the tears off my face. I shouldn’t be thinking like this.

When I was finished getting ready, I opened the door and got out so I could walk to school. I dragged myself, letting my feet carried me. But with every step I took, the fear inside of me starts to get bigger and bigger. All of a sudden, I heard a loud honk and jumped at the immediate noise. I whipped my head and turned around to see Bryant in a car.

“Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna get in the car?” he smirked, making it look like the first time we’ve met when I bumped into him in the hallway. Something inside of me felt warm all over again. He didn’t leave me.


“Bryant, I don’t think I can do this.” My hands were on the handle of the doorway, but something denied me to go in there.

“Yes you can. Sam, look at me,” he ordered. I didn’t listen.

“Look at me Sam,” I still didn’t want to listen. Unexpectedly, a hand went on my chin, forcing me to look up, so I had to and met the pair of blue eyes that were gazing back.

“Remember this, I will always be here by your side, no matter what people say about you, okay?”

“Like I’ve never heard that line before.” I gave a look at him.
Normally, when a guy say this to a girl, it has a special connection. But me and Bryant’s, this connection is neutral, almost like a brother and sister feeling. Like, I don’t have butterflies in my stomach. Instead, I don’t feel anything at all. The fear that I have at the bottom pit of my stomach is still there, but knowing that he cares about me reassures it.

I slowly breathed in and out, before pushing the handle so that it’ll open. Imagine this: before I opened the door and showed my face, the people in the hallway were acting normal. Now, most of the them either froze in their spot and stared at me or a few just didn’t care and continued with what they were doing.
“Hey it’s the emo kid.”
“You mean the one that cuts herself?”
“Duh. Who else would it be.”
Athena and her friends walked past me, giving me a dirty look. I could see the fire in her eyes, and I didn’t even know why. What did I ever do to her?
When I walked inside of the classroom, I went towards my desk. Some people pointed their fingers directly at me. Others would giggle, make fun of me, or call me names. When I set my backpack down on the chair, I noticed that my desk and chair has been vandalised. I squinted my eyes closely to figure out what each words means.
Attention whore.
Emo girl.
Go die. No one cares about you.
Covering my mouth, I pushed past the crowd of students that were laughing at my reaction. As I made my way towards the door, I tripped over something and fell flat on my face. I let out a groan and looked up to see a guy putting his feet back under his desk, smirking. The classroom let out a room filled with laughters.
“Stupid ass.”
“What’s the matter emo kid? Didn’t you wanted to feel pain?”
I bit my lips to keep from crying and picked myself up to walked towards the door, not caring if the teacher was inside. The moment I got to the girl’s restroom, I burst into tears. Everyone hates me now. This has been a usual hang out place for me whenever Bryant isn’t here. I decided to keep this problem to myself. I didn’t want Bryant to know what I’ve been going through. I didn’t want him to pity me. I’m sorry. I hope you understand that I didn’t want to burden you.


Day after day, the bullying started to get worse. From vandalizing my desk, to physically hurting me. It’s killing me inside. Last night, I made the deepest cut, blood started gushing out from my veins. It will surely leave a scar on my arm. It’s a good thing that Bryant is still oblivious to the whole situation. He only thinks people just made fun of me and keep their distances away. Boy was he wrong. I kept on staying strong for him and my mom. Trust me, I’m really tried. But I don’t think I can stay strong any longer.

“What’s wrong Sam? You don’t seem bright nowadays anymore. Something you want to talk about?” Bryant asked.

“No, nothing is wrong. I’m fine.” I tried my best to smile but it came out awkwardly.

“That is seriously the fakest smile I have ever seen. Tell me what’s wrong Sam,” he tried grabbing my arm, but I yanked it back a little too harshly. He gave a look of surprise at my sudden movements.

“Can’t you see I don’t want to talk about it.” I continued walking to my class, leaving him hanging there by himself.

I avoided Bryant the whole day. Spending lunch locked inside one of the stalls in the girl’s restroom. He can do fine without me. He has his own friends anyway. He’s been ditching them ever since he started to hang out with me. They always give me cold stares. But then again, who in this school wouldn’t?

Bryant’s POV

I wonder what Sam is doing right now. She’s been avoiding me all day, spacing out, and she even snapped at me. Almost telling me to not be friends with her anymore. Of course I would refuse. Everyone needs a friend to lean on with all their problems. But Sam is too freakin stubborn to tell me her problems. We’ve been friends for a while now, yet she still doesn’t trust me. I let out a heavy sigh. 1 more minute.

When the bell finally rang, I jumped out of my seat and hurriedly pack up. When I got out of the classroom I went near Sam’s locker. Trying to spot her. When I did, I quickly hid behind the walls. I saw her pulling out a strange, orange bottle and shoved it into her bag. Her head turned to my direction, so I covered my heads behind the walls. I decided to follow her home today. Try to get her to open up to me and reconcile with her.

Samantha’s POV

That’s it. I feel so worthless. No one wouldn’t even care if I died or anything. I decided to end this pain forever. I waited for the bell to ring, signalling that school was out. I walked towards my locker, ignoring the amount papers and erasers flying towards me in every direction. I reached for the sleeping pills inside of my locker, and shoved it down my bag quickly, not letting anyone see what it was. As I was shoving them in my bag, I felt like I was being watched. Not by the people who’s been pointing, laughing, or the ones that’s been giving me icy, cold glares. But I feel like I’m being watched by someone from afar, who would have probably guessed what was on my mind. I shook that thought away, and began to walk home. For the last time.



I locked the bathroom and found myself helplessly crying on the floor. I took the bottle of sleeping, and threw them in a different direction.
I stared at the sleeping pills that’s been poured out every where on my sink counter. A cup of water was in one of my hands, and a letter on the other. Saying:
Mom and Bryant, I’m sorry for not being strong enough. I hope you guys forgive me. I love you both.






Yours truly ,






Samantha
I tried not to do this, I did my best. Trying to push the bad things away from me. But guess what? The bad things always stay with you. They follow you. And you can’t escape them, as much as you want to.
With my trembling hands, I took every pill one by one. Aiming for as much pills, 1..2..3..4....5..... I started feeling lightheaded. But I began taking more.
“No one understands,” I whispered, as a tear came out my eye.
Before taking the 9th pill, weakness shot through my body. I couldn’t tell if I was feeling hot or cold, and I felt so unconscious, and... 14.. I collapsed down on the floor, welcoming the darkness that has completely overtaken me.

Bryant’s POV

I opened Sam’s house with the key peeking under the pot of tree. Really? A key under a pot? I chuckled at my thoughts and entered her house. I heard a loud thump the minute I opened the door. Without a second thought, I raced upstairs, searching through every room in the house. I reached to a handle and tried opening it. Locked. I started to get very worried. I let out a groan of frustration and kicked the door. I quickly calmed myself down and took a deep breathe of air. Using all my strength, I kicked the door hard enough to make it fling open.

I realized that it was just a bathroom. I spotted a figure lying on the floor. It took me a second to register who it really was. The anger inside my body have been replaced with a mix of fear and anxiety. My body couldn’t react for a moment.

I felt my eyes beginning to water. I was actually crying. I haven’t cried in years. I almost forgot what it was like to cry like this. My throat was burning and immediately I started crying for help and holding her in my arms, screaming her name. Samantha, how could you do this to me?

I called 911.

“This is the San Francisco police station, how may I-”

“I’m at this girl’s house right now, her name is Samantha Aviado, and I found her lying on the floor of the bathroom, and she’s not breathing. Come here immediately, please, please, please, I am begging you,” I said, losing my breath.

“We’re on our way.”

It took them a few minutes before I heard the sirens outside her house. But I didn’t leave her side. Instead, I continued to hold her in my arms. Keep on holding on Sam. Please don’t do this to me.

Samantha’s POV

I feel numb. I can’t even feel anything at all. Which is a good thing I guess. Finally, I can’t feel pain anymore. But all I can see right now, is darkness.

“Keep on holding on Sam. Please don’t do this to me.” a familiar voice said.
I decided to ignore it. Something inside me felt regretful for doing this. But I didn’t care. It’s been a long time since I haven’t felt pain. Free at last, I thought.
I wouldn’t have to deal with everything else. All the bullshit and pain and tears was finally gone. I could be with him again. My happiness, the only reason I actually wanted to live.

Bryant’s POV
People have been acting so strange at school. They all started feeling sorry for Samantha. Calling her beautiful, hoping she’d wake up again, putting posters of her around school. I shook my head. Society these days. They tell you all these negative things; they hurt you, push you around, and then when something bad happens, they turn the exact opposite.
I can’t even count how many people went up to me and asked about her.

It had been 4 days since Sam has been asleep. Every day and night around visiting hours, I would come by and check up on her. The other day, when I saw her lying down on the cold, bathroom floor the other day, I couldn’t help but be reminded by the image of my little sister’s dead body. Both dead bodies were lying on the floor. And I couldn’t help but fear that Sam was going to turn out to be just like my little sister, Beth. She’s gone through a similar experience just like her. I wanted to protect Beth. I would always tell her to stay strong. But hopelessly, it wasn’t good enough. One day, she just decided to end it. That was the day that I kept on blaming myself for my little sister’s cause of death. I wasn’t able to protect her and save her. It was all my fault.
But that day changed when I accidentally bumped into Samantha. I thought that God would give me another chance.
I heard a sound coming from Samantha. She stirred in her sleep. My ears perked up at the sound of her groaning.
“WAKE UP ALREADY!” I yelled at her, with tears flowing in my eyes. I stood up and kicked the chair. I didn’t want this to happen for the second time. I just couldn’t.
Her eyes suddenly flew open. I felt a smile slowly appearing on my face.
“Samantha. You’re alive,” I whispered, looking at her.
She looked around the room.
“How do you feel?”
“Awful.” Her voice started to shake. “Bryant, where am I?”
“Sam, you’re at the hospital. Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you ever again.”
She started breathing heavily, as she began to cry. The next thing she did, happened unexpectedly.
“Bryant, why did you save me?” her voice trembled.
“Huh?” I stared at her confused. Shouldn’t she be glad I saved her?
“WHY DID YOU SAVE ME? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I WAS FINE WHEN I WAS DEAD FOR A MOMENT?!?” Her screaming rang in my ear. I started to get scared so, I wrapped my arms around her, holding onto her as she tried to get away from my grasp. Her hands started pushing me away, and punching me until I let go.
“You idiot, why would you do something permanent to yourself, if the problems are only temporary?!” I winced in pain as she continued to constantly hit me. Damn. This girl can hit.
Soon after, she began to slowly stop hitting me. She pulled back and looked away, probably feeling ashamed right now. Finally, she looked up at me. Tears were still streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry for being stupid, Bryant. I just thought maybe, I could end the pain by ending myself. I’m sorry for being so selfish and only thought of myself. I should’ve thought of how you and my-”
I cut her off by gently pulling her small, fragile body into me, wrapping my arms around her.
“It’s okay. What matters most, is that you’re safe right now,” I whispered. A tear strolled down my face. Knowing that Sam is safe in my arms, instantly calms me.

Samantha’s POV
We stayed like this for a while. Soon, I began to felt drowsy and yawned before going back to sleep. Damn those sleeping pills.

I opened my eyes. I saw a figure sitting beside me, but the sunlight blinded my eyes, not letting me see clearly who it was.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” a high pitched voice said. No. It can’t be. As my visions got clearer, I was facing someone who I least wanted to see at the moment. Athena. I started to panick. Thinking she would pull something up her sleeves.
“I’m not here to hurt you Sammy,” she said softly.
“Don’t call me that,” I spatted. There was a moment of silent.
“Look, I’m sorry for what I did. I’ve been a horrible friend to you lately. And I liked Bryant, so when I saw you and him together, I let the jealousy side take the best of me. But I’m over him now. I realized that I made a big mistake. And I’m dying inside knowing that I’ve lost one of my bestest friends. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I really am. But all I’m saying is, can you forgive me and we’ll start all over?” I tried looking for something strange in her eyes but it was filled with nothing but, regret and sincerity.
“No,” was all I said.
“No?” Her voice cracked.
“You betrayed our friendship. I’ll forgive you Athena, but I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”
“I can live with that. Don’t worry about the people that’s been bullying you, I’ve already dealt with them.”
I looked at her, then looked at the door, signalling her that it was time to leave. I was done with her. She’s been a fake friend to me. I didn’t want to get played like that again. She finally started to get up, rolling her eyes as she sighed.
“I’m really sorry and thank you for at least forgiving me.” She gave me a small smile before exiting out the door. Once she left, I took in a deep breathe. It’s so weird how so much things can happen in such a short amount of time. Things finally did get better. I smiled to myself.



“Hey Sam! I brought food.” Bryant came in holding a tray of chicken soup.

“Ew, food from the hospital tastes disgusting.” I scrunched my nose.

“C’mon, you haven’t eaten in days. I’m sure you’re starving.”

As if on cue, a grumbling sound came from my stomach. There was a moment of silence before we burst into laughter.

“Told you so,” he said. I playfully punched his arm, sticking out my tongue.

“I haven’t seen you this happy before.” He was right. I haven’t been this happy in a while. Ever since he died, I’ve been depressed and crying everyday. I gave him a small smile.

“Feed me,” I said, opening my mouth with an ‘ah’ sound.

“I didn’t think you could be this cute either.” He pinched my cheeks.

“Ow, that hurts!” I playfully whined.

“Sorry. Now, open your mouth.” I did as he told me and he put a spoonful of soup in my mouth, making train noises. We would laugh and play with each other like we were little kids again.

To be honest, I still had some sadness from him not being here anymore. Knowing that he couldn’t be here by my side still killed me. I knew I couldn’t get over him, but there was nothing I could do about it. The least I could do is enjoy my life, and be happy, for him. I realized that he wouldn’t want me to waste my time being depressed. Instead, he would want me to live my life to the fullest.
I couldn’t have done it without Bryant. He’s the one that helped through my problems when Athena betrayed me. He helped me get out of depression and bring me back to my feet.
“Thank you, Bryant. Thank you so much,” I told him, with a sincere look on my face.
“What are you thanking me for?” he chuckled. “I should be the one thanking you.”
“And why is that?” I teased.
“Because if it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never gotten over my sister’s death. I wouldn’t be happy, either. You gave me a reason to live, Sam. And I couldn’t thank you so much.”
I looked at him in awe. I could never imagine how he could appear so happy on the inside when really, he was actually suffering just like I was.
“I’m really glad to have you by my side, Bryant.” I gave him a smile. A real smile. A smile that reached my eyes. He raised an eyebrow at me and then smiled back.
“I’m glad to have you by my side too, Sam.”

2 days after that, I got checked out of the hospital.

Today is the day that I’ll come back to school. With a different attitude, a new me. I wanted to prove to everyone that I’m not that weak little girl anymore. I want everyone to know that I’m strong. The fact that I’m still breathing, and managing to keep a smile on my face
“Ready to go to school Sam?” Bryant smiled.
“I’m ready.” I took a deep breathe in, and out. I wanted to see what people would say if they saw me. When we got to school, I walked inside the hallways with Bryant besides me.
“Isn’t it that one girl who tried committing suicide?”
“I feel so bad for her. It’s all Athena’s little group’s fault.”
Some came up to apologize to me, and others would give me a look, like I was some sort of hero. I almost felt bad for Athena. All the blame was put on her. And I didn’t want to deny it, but it wasn’t her fault at all. It was all my fault for being stupid and listening to what everyone told me. I let them all bring me down.
Then again, it didn’t matter anymore. I was finally happy now, and that’s all I cared about. I’ve always cared about other people’s happiness, that I forgot all about my happiness. Now that I finally realize that I should be focusing on my happiness first, I want to cherish this moment. I won’t let anyone break down my walls and come through me.