Greasy Burgers…Fried Chicken…And a broken heart.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

The ecstasy of food.

The taste of

 Fried chicken

 

greasy burgers

Salty sadness.

Who knew the weight of a broken heart

Could weigh you down this much

I cannot heal it

When every day it cracks a little more

How do you fix what's broken?

When there is nothing around to hold it back together?

Stop the bleeding

Heal the hurt

Fried chicken, greasy burgers

A bandaid that I keep ripping off.

I feel that that one moment of happiness, wrapped up in 

a pretty caramel melt,

 a Chicago-style hotdog, 

 a warm breakfast sandwich

Is the only thing keeping me

From letting the sadness

 swallow me whole.

A pantry filled with sadness

The pantry…I hate the pantry

Who knew something so full,

 could be accompanied by a feeling so empty?

Who knew that something so simple, 

could tell a story so complicated?

A pantry is supposed to be filled with

Chips

 water

 ingredients for the brownies you never even made

My pantry is filled with sadness,

Filled with loneliness

Filled with emptiness 

A paradox of hurt and shame

These feelings don't belong in a pantry

So tell me,

Why won't they leave?

These feelings take the form of 

The pack of Twinkies on the top shelf

The family-sized Dorito bag in the corner

The empty goldfish box on the floor

And….. of a girl, trying but failing to eat the hurt away.

 

God, Loneliness, and Icecream

God

Some say God is in the sky

Some say God is on the ground

Some say God is right next to you

I say God takes the form of the ice cream.

Nestled comfortably in my garage freezer stacked on top of the frozen fish sticks

Like an unopen birthday present

 

I say god comes in the form of…

Cold creamy goodness.

The rush of cookie dough

A hint of happiness

What people don't understand is…it is only ever me and god

Who knows how L O N E L Y

The bottom of an empty ice cream tub can truly be.

The Beginning Of The End

You may be wondering why.

Why I need to eat the hurt a w  a   y

Why do I think my pantry is so L O N E L Y

Why I can't stand the bottom of an empty ice cream tub

I will not tell you…but I will show you

How long ago in a life lived much fuller than the one lived now

Where sometimes I smiled

And occasionally I laughed

And every so often cracked a joke

I had someone who made the world worth living, 

And when their absence became a new part of my world

I was tossed into the beginning of what I now think of as the end

The beginning of this everlasting depression

Marking the end of the life I used to live

A perfect imperfection

Walk. Walk. Walk

Skinny jeans, crop tops, and sadness

Who said popularity brought happiness?

Run. Run. Run from the horrible place, called school.

Even people who live a perfect life

Have something imperfect about it

A perfect life is a fantasy that will never be fulfilled

A dream that will always be crushed

A wish that will never come true

If I were to speak the truth for all ears to hear

I would tell you in all honesty that my life is far from perfect

I would tell you how my mind fights constant battles against my morale

I would tell you of my withering self confidence

My rough childhood

My Scar flecked skin

I would tell you the story of every imperfection living within the folds of a “perfect life”

But I don't tell you..instead, I Run. Run. Run. from the awful place of school

Allowing everyone to stay behind believing that you really can live a perfect life

Mine being a prime example of that blissful reality

But again I will repeat…even people who you think live a perfect life

Always have something imperfect about it.

One girl, two lives

I live two lives

In one life I am constantly pretending I am something I am not

Like wearing a costume of confidence used to hide the mess I really am

In one life I cry in the bathroom stalls until my tears run out

Hoping that when I open the stall my problems will disappear like the sun on a cloudy day.

In one life I wish away the hurt 

Knowing most of the time wishes never come true

But my other life... Is a life of solace

Walking through my front door into a home

It envelops me in its familiarity and paints a smile on my face

It comes with another person..my dad

Who comforts the storm of negativity roiling in my gut

I never knew you could wash away a hurricane with words as soft as his.

So yeah I live two lives

But sometimes I wish I could choose which one.

The Skin Im In

Blotchy 

Scabby

Patchy

The names others paint on me stick to my skin just like the eyes of those around me

Birthmarks are like magnets drawing attention like unwanted pests

I was born with birthmarks marring my skin

And people looked at me like it marred my personality too

This life is filled with people who judge the book by its cover

Because they don’t believe in the saying hidden underneath

The only thing stopping me from judging myself by the very cover others claim to see

Is the dad who rests at home telling me it doesint exist in the first place

So they may call me

Blotchy

Scabby

Patchy

But as long as he exists his prescence reminds me

 That I should never be ashamed of the skin I am in

Skinny Jeans, Cropt tops, And Misery

My skinny jeans

My crop tops

My long blond hair

Cannot hide the scars I was born with.

It turns out that unlike popular belief

Average is not always normal

Skinny is not always pretty

Curves don't always bring attention

People’s eyes work in weird ways 

I have found that small obstructions make it impossible for people to see the shape underneath

This is proof that skinny jeans and crop tops

Can be accompanied by misery as well

When Life Gives You Lemons

I find that life eventually hands out the lemons it always claims to give

Mine taking the form of the marks that were born alongside me

As their juice stains my skin seeping into the patches, others call birthmarks

I yell at life because I think the lemons it gave me were rotten

It turns out rotten lemons aren't the best

At making lemonade

Faith

Faith;

noun

1. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

2. Trusting god when you have unanswered questions

Tell me how I am supposed to have faith

When the questions are left unanswered

Are tearing me apart

Would it be possible

For the lord to grant me the answer to one?

I look at the ground as I walk

Through pale white streets 

Painted with conformity, and social norms

society's way of compliance,

And ask god a question I know he will never answer

Why?

A home with two legs, and a name called Dad

I walk up concrete stairs and a bleached sidewalk

Up the walkway of the only home

I have never known

Inside resides safety, and comfort

Inside its walls lays peace

Inside the home it is empty

I realize it is only my home when Dad is there

Without him, it feels hollow, 

like the peace left with him

The safety went out the window

The comfort was stirred in a pot of boiling water

 

He is a home with two legs and a smile. 

A home with a name called Dad

A home not there

A home that is gone

As I stand with this new feeling of emptiness settling into my stomach like stones in a lake

I ask myself a question I am hoping is an easier one for god to answer

Where is he?

The phone rings

Dad is never gone

The phone rings

Now who will be there to reassure me

The Phone Rings

That beauty does not reside in skinny jeans and crop tops?

The Phone rings

Words

I always loved words

Words enchant

Words enthrall

Words tell stories that voices cannot

They exist in the mind

Beat in the heart

Are seen with the eyes

Flow off my tounge

Sprawl across paper

Words bring people to worlds they will never get to live

Realities that will never exist

A thousand lives settled within their depths

Words build people

I sometimes forget they can also break them down

I pick up the phone

I listen to words, they may build worlds…but today they destroyed mine

As they echo with solemn cries
And a sob from the other line

That tells a truth I don’t want to believe

Dad

Car

Dead

A Double edged sword     

I have lived 

Breathed

Existed in this world,

For fifteen years

For some that is young

For some, I am still a child

But despite not being here for long 

I have still managed to figure out one thing about this world

It has two sides

On one face resides hapiness and peace

However the other contains sharp jagged rocks that rip and shred in their wake

I landed on the wrong side of the world today

Stumbled and fell and now these rocks rip and shred like the job they were made to do

And ever so slowly, they make their way to my heart

Denial

I once read that there are five stages of grief

The first being denial

Is this what denial feels like?

Does denial feel like an itch I can’t scratch?

Like a truth and a lie all at once?

Does denial crawl up my throat and bang on my teeth,

Releasing words of anger and pain?

It’s not true

It’s not true

It’s not true

Truth resides in screaming through the phone in anger

Its a trick

Its a trick

Its a trick

Trickery resides in the mind

Words are reality

I set down the phone and think to myself

That Denial is a horrible thing

Lost

When I was born into this world

Someone else left

I often think the price of my life

Was the entirety of hers

My mother died giving birth to me

A new soul in exchange for the old

How sad is that?

Not as sad as the loneliness settling into my chest

It 

     weighs 

                   me 

                            down

I often imagined being lost as, 

A trek in the woods

A corn maze

A grocery store with isles too tall to see

In those situations…I always found my way back

But the lost I feel now

Is a new kind of lost

The what do I do now kind of loss

The loss that comes with emptiness

The loss that comes with rage

The type of loss that is a package to heavy for me to bear

The problem is

The one person in my life I would ask to share the weight

Is folded up nicely, in the very thing I need help carrying

The person I would ask to help me find the way is the reason that instead of lost

I am now stuck.

Pity

When I was twelve years old my fish died.

That day I went to school crying tears of loss

My teacher expressed sympathy and pity, something that made me feel better

When I was sixteen years old my dad died

That day I stayed at home crying tears of loss

My neighbor expressed sympathy and pity, it’s funny how this time it only made me feel worse

 

Hunger and Grief

The pain of hunger, is better than the pain of grief

Grief destroys me from the inside

Hunger only aches on the outside

A scratch to the surface

A wound to the heart

How different the two are

After two days of reveling and hiding within this hunger

My neighboor visits

You need to eat she says

I will never I say back

You need to go to school she says

I will never I say back

You need to accept the truth god says

I will never

I think back

My neighbor

My neighbor rings the doorbell

My neighbor is holding macaroni

My neighbor says its gourmet

My neighbor puts on a huge smile

My neighbor acts like everything is okay

My neighbor hands me the macaroni

My neighbor tells me to eat

My neighbor walks off

My neighbor doesint understand

My neighbor has never expirienced grief

My neighbor eats her macaroni

I do not

Just one bite

I sit and I stare at the food I was never planning to eat

The smell crawls into my nostrils

Swarms my brain

It wakes my stomach

And it rumbles like a caged beast

Just one bite and I will be satisfied

Just one bite and then I can get right back to grieving

Just one bite and then no more

Just one bite……is it ever just one bite?

Lesson one: It is never just one bite

I take my “one” bite

It is small

It is tiny

 

It is enourmous

It is monumental

For just a moment I feel 

Comfort

Peace

Solace

It is so blissful I take another to feel it again

It is like a drug I never knew I needed

The bandage I never wanted

The bite I swore I would not take

I devour, I consume

When the food is gone

The loneliness returns

My stomach may be full

But my heart is still 

empty

Abandoned

Desolate

I think the food brings comfort

But it is like alcohol

It  only numbs as it widens the wound

What would I give to heal this calamity?

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones may break my bones

But words will never hurt me

 

Whoever made this saying

Must have a heart made of steel

Because as I have come to learn

Words hurt more than sticks and stones

Jessica confronts me today

She probably smelled my fear

She stands there with 

Perfect lips

Shining hair

And an awful personality.

“Your back” she raises an eyebrow

“I heard your dad died” Her lips curl into a sneer

“Even he couldint stand to have you around” she scoffs

This is the part where I make my point

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words know exactly how to hurt me.

“Leave me alone” I say

She looks at me with her cold steel eyes

She sees the wound I struggle to hide

She digs in teeth and claws

 

Her words blur together

So do my coherent thoughts

Sticks and stones may break bones

But so do fists as well

I lunge and I scream

It is as if the hurt fuels my rage

I land a blow on her smug face

I land a blow on her thick skull

I land a blow on her ego

For once as people look at me in shock

I don’t care what they see.

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But this time words empower me.

Suspension

I am suspended from school

But I feel more as if I am suspended in life

Hanging in the air with no control

Over where I swing

Lesson 2: Lasagna doesint fix everything

My neighbor visits today 

And she holds lasagna

I inhale the food with greed

As if lasagna can reasemble my heart

“You’re going to foster care,” Says my neighbor

I stop eating…I push the lasagna away.

“I can’t take care of you,” says my neighbor.

I nod as if I understand, the truth is,

I don’t think I will ever understand

I continue to eat my lasagna

But the pain nocks on my stomach in the place the lasagna claims to go

As if to tell me hey dummy…lasagna doesn’t fix everything

My life in a nutshell

Wake

Grieve

Eat

Repeat

This is my life in a nutshell

Wake

Grieve

Eat

Repeat

Time makes the world a blur

Wake 

Grieve

Eat

Repeat

The pain has turned from a sharp stabbing grief

To a dull ache

Wake

Grieve

Eat

Repeat

Is it weird I miss the grief? 

I figure Im afraid that within its absence

He will be forgotten

190 pounds of sadness

Things are not normal and I wonder if they will ever be again

Anniversaries are supposed to be memorable

Most are happy, like your wedding…or birthday

Today’s anniversary is the saddest of all

Today one  year later I am reminded of his smile, his big strong arms

Skinny jeans and crop tops

I feel the emotions in my head fighting to overcome who I am

They wage war, and I have no control over who will win.

I am lonely

Beauty standards don’t apply to me anymore

Goodbye croptops I hated so much

Hello 190 pounds of sadness

I realize people don’t understand the pain of grief until they experience it themselves.

Famous for being no one

Every day at school I sit down in class

Every day at school no one sits down next to me

People treat me like 

Vermin

A plague

A cold they will catch

I used to hate being treated like this…but now I don't mind the emptiness

What I do hate is who they see me as

To them, I am just the girl whose dad died

To them, I am just the girl who sits alone in class

who eats too much at lunch 

Whose only personality is sadness

So while I sit alone

Everyone looks at me and laughs

They think my life is funny

But the only thing I find funny

Is that the only reason people like me are noticed 

This is because they are ignored

Yeah…it’s funny how you can be famous for being a nobody

Empty Seats

Class today I would like to introduce you to a new student..his name is Sergi and he comes from Spain..treat him with respect okay?

I doodle on my notebook 

A drawing of a heart

Its missing something

I draw a crack down the middle a fissure in its depths

The table creaks as someone sits next to me and I look up to see Sergi the new kid. 

Most people would be happy to have someone this handsome sit next to them

Most people like change and this new kid is certainly something

But all I can do is look around at every empty seat in the classroom

And wonder why he chose to sit next to me.

Eyes tell a story

When people ignore you

You tend to ignore them

I figure he will ignore me too 

I was wrong

Hello, what's your name?

His voice is thick

It sounds like two languages fighting over dominance

They clash together when they roll of his tongue

Sometimes battle can be melodic too

I look up and stare into his eyes

But I when I look at his eyes I don’t feel like they are part of his face

Would you believe me if I told you eyes could tell a story

Or would you simply think of it as a poetic saying

No matter what you think I can certainly say

That when I look into his eyes they don’t stand out because of their dazzling blue iris

Or long lashes

Or friendly squint

They stand out because in his eyes I see a story

His pupils hold pain

His iris holds hope

His retina holds sadness

His eyes feel familiar

I think perhaps it is because his eyes reflect the feelings I have inside of me

I smile at him and tell him my name

I give him a chance

Because I like the story they tell

Social Norms Are Bull

I always told myself that social norms were bull

My dad always told me that as well

But as I walk to class my tattered sneakers dancing on the sleek tile floor

I can’t help but feel a little self conscious

Eyes press into me like they are glued to my skin

Whispers haunt the halls and I fear they are about me

Im usually not like this, but the bodies yearning to look good for someone else 

Will forever be a mystery to me

Today I want to look good for Sergi

Too bad I haven’t bought makeup in a year.

Your Secret Admirer

How do you tell someone your their secret admirer?

Step One: Get A Piece of Paper

Step Two: Right A Note

Step Three: Think Over Your Life Decisions

Step Four: Slip It In Their Locker

I get a piece of paper…I write a note

Sergi I haven’t known you for long, but in this time you 

Walk the realm of my imagination

Ride freely through the ink of my pen

Dance in my thoughts

Your presence is something I never knew I wanted but nonetheless, something I need

Is it weird to say I like somoene I’ve just met?

Probably…

But nonetheless, I can’t help but admire you in every which way

-your secret admirer

I stare at the letter and can’t help but think  

This is the stupidest thing I’ve  ever done

I guess I am on step three

I crumple up the paper

Throw it into the trash can

And continue on with my day

Breakfast

My dad used to wake me up every morning

Now every time my alarm rings I can't help but wish it was his voice instead

Today I wake up Before my Alarm

To my thoughts blaring in my head

Just like its harsh ring

Wake up you have a boy to meet!

Wake up you have something to look forward to

Wake up…this is your only chance!

As I run down the stairs and pause at the table

The hunger in my stomach is replaced by the excitement I so dearly have missed

I walk out the door without eating breakfast

Usually, it reminds me of the girl dad’s death had shaped me out to be

Today it reminds me of the girl underneath who is healing one bite at a time

Lunch

I sit alone at lunch, just like I do every day

When you are constantly ignored

You get used to the silence

It is as comfortable as the noise

But today the silence nocks on my brain

It rattles my thoughts

I think the difference is for once

I want some noise

Watching Him

I watch him as girls flock around him

I watch him as boys give him high fives

He returns every smile and wave

As If Kindness is the only thing he’s ever known

But when I watch him I cant help but notice

The sadness in his eyes

The hard-line his mouth is set at

The stressed way he holds his hands

His eyes look dark from here

I am watching him, everyone is watching him.

It’s funny how so many people can be watching someone

And only one of them can see that something isn’t right

I watch him high- five a guy

I watch him stand up

I watch him turn to me

His eyes light up

Now I watch him..watching me

I wish upon a star

I wish upon the stars

Hidden by the sun

That he would come over here 

And fill the silence that rings in my head

My wishes never come true

Why would someone like him sit by someone like me?

He pushes his way through the crowd

My wishes never come true

But today one just did.

Smile

He sits next to me and his presence warms my heart

He strikes up a conversation with me

His face blooms into a smile

It is the most beautiful blossom I have ever seen

I can only wonder what caused it

And although I am shocked

All the fingers point toward me

Something New

He Sits Next to me

And I feel something

Something new

I think it is words. 

They rise in my throat 

Bang on my teeth

I open my mouth with delight

And I talk

I tell him who I am

I tell him who I will be

I tell him what I do

I tell him what I feel

As the words pour from my heart

I can’t help but notice something new

I think that it is because, for once when I talk

Someone else is there to listen

Gods And Godesses

As I reveal a side of me people don’t often see

Someone else crushes it down

Hey Sergi…what are you doing with this loser?

Jessica sings and we both turn to her

I can´t help but notice together they both look like gods and godesses

Sergis fluffy dark hair

Sharp accented jaw

Dazzling blue eyes

Her long blond hair 

Upturned nose

Dazzling white teeth

Come over by me! She croons 

My heart drops

Beauty can be convincing

Sergi raises an eyebrow

Nice to meet you 

He says and then turns around

Turns away from the sun and its beaming rays

And I have never felt warmer

I smile for they are like gods and godesses

But while one seeks passion the other only seeks passing friendship

The Loser

Jessica stomps away

Sergi opens his mouth

Hey Jessica?

Yes? She coos

She’s not a loser by the way

What? She cries

She’s cooler than you in the least

I didin’t know Sergi had it in him to be rude

I can’t help but think 

This is the nicest type of rude I have ever seen

I think it is because he is supporting me

And when someone supports you

                    

It lifts you up

Right now I feel as high as the sky

No one ever stands up for the “Loser”

Does that mean Sergi sees me as something more?

Daggers for eyes

Jessica makes the most beautiful face I have ever seen her make

Angry, Frustrated, And Jealous

At this moment her eyes are like chips of ice

But this time they don’t freeze me

I think I am warmed by the irony of this situation

Being jealous of someone you just called a loser

Makes you lower than they will ever be

I shoot her an innocent smile

And watch her freeze

Scars

It’s been a month since I met Sergi

He’s never once mentioned my birthmarks

I should have only known it was a matter of time

Scars are supposed to be a sign. They tell others how your past shaped your future

There is no honor in my scars

They mark my skin with their cruel colors and shapes 

Reminding everyone that I am different

Where did your scars come from? 

At first, I think he is talking about the tattered remains of my heart

Hanging by simple threads in the girl that I make myself out to be

But I soon realize he speaks about the skin I am in

And the marks that paint my skin like oil drifting on clear ocean waters

It’s ironic how the things he claims to be scars

Are the reason my scars even exist in the first place

I tell him the truth

They are not scars…but birthmarks

I feel trapped in my skin as I stare at him

I want to look as free as his skin does at this moment

I like them, they are pretty 

As I look down at my skin and back up at him

I feel as if I have been freed

 

Rewards

Jessica rewards me today

The present was in large red letters on my locker

P.I.G

Those letters remind me that I am not destined for him

He is 

Sexy

Smart

Perfect

I am far from all of those

I give Jessica a gift of my own back

Reward her with something I know all too well

Tears

Tears

Oh…and more tears

Help

I sit next to Sergi and the several empty seats

I look at my math and grind my teeth

Need help? His eyes greet mine in a warm friendly way

I do need help…more than he knows

Help to overcome my grief

Help to overcome my anxiety

Help to settle into my new life

Help to rid of jessica 

Help building myself back up again

Yes I say as I slide my paper towards him

Im not the best at math

Tutor Me

I can tutor you if you want

I didin’t know I was that bad at math

Im sure you could understand it all with some help.

Really? I ask

What do you say Wednesday nights…your house?

How do I tell him I live in an orphanage?

I think it would be good for you

That is something I seriously doubt

So what do you say

Can you tutor me on how to live a perfect life like you? I think

Shoutout to my head

I guess I forgot to remind myself

About the perfect imperfections that rest underneath everyone’s skin

“Tutor me,” I say

Maybe solving problems with numbers..

Or depicting formulas to tell the future

Could help me figure out what I did wrong with my past

Simple Questions

It is wednesday night and I pace anxiously at the door

I don’t know what he will think of me when he sees this place

He will see the broken side of me

The side I don’t want him to see

The side I need him to see

DING DONG the doorbell starts up my heart with electric speed

I walk to the door and hover my hand over the handle

I open the door

Sergi stands there with a grin on his face

I think of all the things he might say

Why do you live in an orphanage

What happened to your parents

No wonder you’re always so sad

I wouldin’t have signed up for this if I knew it would be here

Wheres your room? His voice cuts through my thoughts

I stand there..and then grin

Simple questions….they take the complicated part away.

Laughter

In my room, we sit on my bed

He brings out the math books I hate so much

Why did I sign up for this again?

He cracks a joke and I laugh

My laughter bounces off the walls 

It hovers in the air and warms the room

He stares at me like an old friend

You should laugh more often he says

It suits you

I didn't realize how much I missed the laughter

Until I feel its warmth once again

Trapped Words

Sergi picks up a picture

He runs his thumb over the edge

Whose this? He asks

My dad stares back at me from it’s frame

My dad I choke 

He looks at me like he understands the sadness in my eyes

I don’t think he does

What happened? He asks softly

I miss the simple questions he used to ask

He died last year in a car crash

I want to tell him everything but my words feel trapped

They swarm through my body 

Cause my hands to shake

Eyes to tear up

Chest to heave

I take the pain until it is too much to bear

I open my mouth and let the words flow out

They are no longer trapped

But now they are out in the air for him to see

What will he do with my words?

Will he help me heal or will he trap them once again?

Secrets

I tell him of my mothers death

Of how I feel that I killed her

I tell him of my birthmarks

And How I think they marr my skin

I tell him of my dad’s death

And how it broke me beyond repair

I tell him of my eating disorder

And how I seek comfort in pain

I tell him of my loneliness

And how he makes me feel less alone

I tell him of my feelings

And how many of them revolve around him

I tell him of the puzzle I see in his eyes

And how I think I will never be good enough to solve it

Then let me remind you that you are he says

We all have secrets to hide

He reaches towards his eyes 

He pulls out a contact lens

And he reveals to me the story he hides beneath

Words are never enough

One of his eyes remains the blue I have always known

The other eye stands out the most dazzling light green

I stare into his eyes and feel redeemed

I always was made fun of for my eyes he says

I ask him why…tell him they are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen

But he shakes his head like he doesint believe me

I tell him he shouldin’t hide them

Sadness paints his face

I tell him they are pretty with a desperation for him to believe 

He shakes his head

Frustration swarms through me 

He doesint believe my words…they are not enough

They are never enough

I look at his face and take a deep breath

I do the most bold thing I have ever done

I kiss him

And as if my lips speak the words my own voice could not

He kisses me back

Floating In Space

As we break apart we don't move

But my heart sure does

It leaps out of my room and into the sky

It hangs just above earths orbit

It looks like the full moon

Shining down on both of us 

My  heart orbits our realities

Its soft glow making me feel

A little less alone

The Cure

Sergi tells me of how when he was six his dad hit his mom

Sergi tells me of how when he was six and a  half his dad hit him too

Sergi tells me of how when he was seven his mom ran away

Sergi tells me that his dad's presence filled every space in his life

I realize there is something worse than not having a dad

It’s having one but feeling like you are strangers to each other

At least I know what fatherly love feels like

At least I have felt its soft touch

Sergi has known nothing of that kind

He is broken

We are both broken

Seemingly beyond repair

But my heart whispers a story I know will come true

We are broken…we need medicine

And together we will be eachothers cure

Free

I had gained over a hundred pounds since my dad died

As I lug myself around every day I feel as if the weight I gained will drag me down forever

However, as my heart is freed 

From the chains which bound it to the harsh reality of my life

The weight seems to drop off me like dead flies

Who knew a broken heart could weigh you down this much?

It turns out a light heart…

Can make you fly

My heart takes off with wings of hope

And it soars above my life as if the sky can heal its broken parts

I have learned it is not the sky that heals them

But it is the heart that flies alongside mine

Together this weightlessness granted by the presence of each other

Makes me feel forever free.

A not so secret secret Admirer

I open my locker to a paper tucked neatly next to my backpack

Like a diamond in the rough

Grabbing the edges of an envelope I open it to words

That makes my heart leap into my chest

You are the cure to the cold I never knew I had caught

You are the light to the darkness I never knew was there

Now that I am free I feel forever bound to you

Is it weird to like someone like you?

No, it is not…because as I have come to learn

You are the most likable person I have ever met

People are so blinded by their own need to be beautiful

That they don’t even acknowledge the beauty in you

So allow me…

-your secret admirer

As I stare at the envelop 

I can’t help but noticed it is scrawled in the familiar handwriting that walks my dreams

I look at the letters secret admirer

And feel overjoyed that my admirer is not so secret after all

Homecoming

Homecoming is next week 

Nervousness haunts me

Like a long dead ghost

Will he ask me to go with him?

He must have millions of other choices?

Why would he choose me?

As I sit next to him at lunch ‘

My thoughts swarming my head like an angry nest of bees

Jessica appears out of thin air

She is not only beautiful but magical too

Hey, Sergi care to go to homecoming with me?

Her voice is seductive and luring..

How could someone deny beauty as enchanting as that?

Sergi shakes his head 

He leaves Jessica as shook as the head he just shaked

I’m good Jessica he says I already have my eyes on someone else

I look at the eyes he claims to be glued to someone else

And am disappointed that they never glance at me

As I turn from him I can’t help but think

What better way to spend homecoming than at home after all?

A grocery store

The school is like a grocery store to a boy like Sergi

Today every item on the shelves present themselves

As if begging him to check them out

But as Sergi walks down the isles 

Of foods much more delicious than me

He can’t seem to find what he is looking for

They must be low on stock

As he wanders the isles the bell rings

The grocery store is calling over the comcast

That it is time to close

He will not purchase anything today

I turn and begin to leave When an arm grabs onto mine

He has looked at every item in the grocery store

From gourmet chicken

To lovely strawberry pies

It’s funny how the saltine crackers

Are the only things he needs

Present 

I have a present for you

Sergi hands me a present

It is wrapped in green and blue paper

The color of his eyes

The edges are tattered and battered

As if he struggled to bend the corners over the gift

His messy scrawl speaks to me

As it stares at me from the top of the box

I open the present and inside is a piece of paper

You see the world like the ocean

You analyze every fish there is in the sea

But what you don’t realize is 

You’r the only one I want to take to homecoming with me

I feel bad for not getting him a gift

Presenting him with my feelings wrapped up 

In a blue and green box

Just like his eyes as well

But as I nod and plaster on a smile

His face lights up

Like my appreciation is the best gift he ever got.

Nervousness

Nervousness walks my thoughts

It is like my shadow

It follows me wherever I go

Never quite noticed

But nonetheless hidden in the back of my mind

Waiting to be revealed

My nervousness presents  itself on the night of homecoming 

As I brush my hair it causes my hands to shake

Heart to beat

Eyes to wander

But unlike denial 

Nervousness is a lovely thing

Because for once I have something to be nervous about

Beauty

Sergi always tells me I am beautiful

But just like he does not believe his eyes are pretty

I struggle to find the truth in his words when he tells me I am too

But as I slip on a light blue dress the color of his eyes, and do makeup with astounding accuracy

I can’t help but notice the beauty he sees

I look into the mirror and the reflection staring back steals my breath away

Like the thief, I never knew it was

The weight I had gained had dropped off me rapidly

Revealing an hourglass figure hidden underneath its bulky cover

The sharp structures of my face

The accents of my hips

But the most beautiful thing it revealed

Was the smile I see blooming over my features 

Painting my face with its lovely petals

As if to tell me that beauty always exists 

You just have to bother to look for it

The picture he paints

When Sergi rings my doorbell

The nervousness nocks on my brain

But with new gained self confidence

I sweep it away with winds like a storm

He is wearing a dark blue suit

His hair is combed beautifully

There is a smile on his face

But despite the beauty, I see presenting itself to me

I stare into his eyes and notice the missing contact he has dropped

His green eye stares at me, the other one does too

Together they paint a picture across his face

This picture tells a story

It tells the story of a boy ready to share his art with the world

And as I stare at the mural his eyes plaster to his skin

I can’t help but think it is the most beautiful painting I have ever seen

Peeling Paint

Sergi stares at me with his painted eyes

Like I am a mural that outshines his own

And I bask in the feel of his warmed lovely gaze

Like it is the essence to the life that swarms inside my heart

As we drive to school and step out of the car

We are greeted by Jessica

A boy clings to her arm a bored expression on his face

I like him

Out of all the people who are blinded by Jessicas beauty

He looks at her like he can see every ugly thing she hides underneath

Heeeeeey Sergi she croons

Oh and Hi to you too she turns to me  a fake smile on her face grinning like a wicked imp

She brushes Sergi’s arm and he moves away

Meet me later? She questionss…she walks away

The boy shoots me a smile as he follows

I plaster a smile to my face like wallpaper to a wall

But he does not know that it hides the cracked and peeling paint that lay underneath

But as Sergi shoots me a grin and squeezes my hand 

I feel as if he has added a fresh coat to the peeling paint underneath

As we walk into the building

I show everyone the colors that were just painted on…brand spanking new.

Homecoming King

We would like to announce this year's homecoming king and queen

The speakers boom through the gymnasium

They are like ominous thunder that silences every loud noise

The homecoming queen is Jessica Vansherley!

Jessica walks up to the stage with an arrogant stride

She wants everyone to know that she is unsurpassed in all things

Homecoming King is…. Sergi Samund! I look at Sergi and he looks to me

Although the feelings stirring a storm in my heart

Tell me to not let him leave

I give him a nod and he takes Jessica'shand to start the dance of the night

Music sways through the building a soft melody to the movements of their bodies

Her hands roam him as if she can claim him with her touch

She wants to steal his heart away like the breath my mirror took

And every part of me fears she will succeed

The music builds up dramatically

Everyone's eyes are on them

They see them like gods and goddesses

For they don’t know the passing friendship that one holds underneath

Jessica tries to kiss Sergi her lips seeking his like magnets drawn to metal

But she is met with another magnet and their forces push each other apart

His body floats to me like I am the only metal close enough for him to attach

And he takes my hand shooting Jessica a glare

We dance like gods and goddesses and now everyone can see 

It is not passing friendship we seek from each other

But a desperate sort of love

Medusa

Jessica stares at us with an ugly astounded look on her face

Everyone stares at us shock stirring their features

But Sergi's hands in mine remind me I have no right to care

DID YOU CHOOSE HER OVER ME? The music slows down 

It is replaced by a deathly silence

Yes Sergi says confidence building in his voice

Like support beams attached to his words

Jessica lets out an angry noise

She pouts

She throws a tantrum

She was seen as a goddess by everyone around her

But right now as she stares at Sergi with hatred that can kill

She reveals that Medusa is who she really is

And like she can hear the thoughts that ring in my head

She fixes her stone-cold gaze on me

Fire

Long ago while exploring the depths of my feelings

I found a flickering flame in my soul

It would sputter and fail at every inconvenience

And in a desperation to keep the flames alive

I would burn things that should not be burned

Words of wisdom

Whispers of hope

I stoked the fire with things I needed

As if its own flame was more important than mine

You

Patchy

Ugly

Loser

Usually, words like these would smother the flame

Turn my burning passion into nothing but 

Ashes

However, I find that this time

Jessica’s words are the fuel my fire needed all along

She stokes my fire until it is a burning flame within my soul

And its light swarms my head with every single thing

I have wanted to say

Needed to say

But never said

And like the flames burn my insecurities

In their 1,000 degree grip

I open my mouth so my tongue can burn her

With the flames she just roared to life as well

 

Found

For my whole life as people teased me

Spited me

Laughed at the life I lived thinking it was a joke

My voice was forever lost

I felt mute as I gazed at a world who threw words at me

But I was unable to throw any back

However as Jessica tells everyone in the room what a loser I am

I feel like I was found

Like I am no longer a famous nobody

Now I am a famous somebody

The girl who stole Sergi Samund’s heart

The girl who wears her birthmarks like badges of honor

The girl who broke down the bully Jessica piece by piece

My voice finds its way to my mouth

And for once I let my words roam free

Are you Jealous of me Jessica? I croon

She mumbles maybe

Ironic how you can be Jealous of someone you call a loser every single day

You think you are the best in this room Jessica…But your ego fills up more space than your beauty ever will.

You wear your skin like it is an excuse to be rude to every person you see as a challenge

You use your beauty to fight your battles…it’s funny how much of a monster you turn out to be when you use your voice instead

Long ago when you laughed at me for my Dad dying I got angry

Im not angry anymore Jessica…if anything I feel sorry for you.

 Because it is times like these where we can all see how much of a loser you really are.

As I finish my speech 

I look around the room

And everyone around me

Looks like they finally see me for the first time

A happy ending

I always believed my whole life 

That happy endings only existed in fairy tales

However, as people step from the crowd

Their razor-sharp eyes fixed on Jessica

She looks smaller than ever before

You suck Jessica

You're a Bully Jessica

We were blinded by your beauty Jessica

Those words are like a symphony

Its melody is the loveliest I have heard

Sergi walks up to me and takes my hand 

Jessica walks away from me and cries

As she walks away she takes my problems with her

Like the wind in a strong storm

She sweeps my insecurities away

The only thing left is hope

And although I said that hope was a bad thing

This time it lights up my soul

I turn and kiss Sergi

I know everything will be okay

So as I said before…I always believed my whole life that a happy ending was a fairytale

A dream to never come true

A hope you do not want to hope

However, as I lay in Sergi’s arms

For once in my life feeling whole yet again

It is made clear to me that happy endings do exist

This moment in time being a prime example of that blissful reality

Because for the first time in my life, I am not stuck

Stuck in the past

Instead, I feel freed by the possibilities of my future

The END