"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas."
I laughed. "You're a terrible singer."
"And you’re a terrible audience."
“It’s not even Christmas."
"You’re my Christmas."
He set his drink on the coffee table beside him and stood. He was much taller than I was, a whopping 6'6, and every time I said how huge he was he would wrap his arm around my waist; kiss me, then say, “See we fit perfectly." He reached out his hand to me, a life ring. I looked at that hand with the deepest compassion. These were the hands that wiped my tears away instead of forming them, the hands that held me when I cried, and held me tenderly instead of making my face sting with disappointment. I took his gorgeous hand and let him pull me up from the couch. He pressed is body to my own and I sighed in content. Linking our fingers together, one by one we became one person. "Hmm...Hmmm..." He hummed the tune of White Christmas, his breath hot against my forehead, and even in his off-key tone, it was beautiful. Cotton ball sized snow rained down from the sky, Gavin's porch light making it glisten and shimmer as it fluttered to the ground. A wolf howled in the distance, the kind of howl that would send shivers down a spine. But nothing scared me anymore. Nothing except for my own husband whom I'm cheating on. But is it really cheating if you’re the one who's been cheated out of love all along?
We danced like that for a long time; holding each other with tenderness that we hadn't known before. That I didn't know existed. "And may all your Christmas'," Gavin sang, then paused lifting my chin up and pulling it forward," be white." he whispered the last part, a secret that only we could know. His words wobbled with emotion as he said, “I love you Kathrin."
I didn't respond, I didn't have to, so instead I kissed him, saying everything that couldn't be said through words.
He deepened it and gently set me on the wall. Gavin pulled back, and I panted hard as if he had sucked up all my air. Our gazed stayed fixed on one another, our eyes passing back and forth a silent discussion, both knowing were this was going. I pinched a small white button on his shirt and unfastened it, doing the same to the rest of them until I peeled his plaid shirt off revealing his bare chest. I grazed my lips over a part of it, tasting him, as he lifted my shirt over my head and let it fall like confetti to the ground. I couldn't control what was happening and it was scary but all the same freeing. I knew Gavin would never hurt me like Devin did. I trusted him. Gavin lifted me up, laying me slowly and gently on the couch ready to love me with everything he had.

A knock pounded on the door. I sighed dramatically and Gavin just laughed, grazed my lips again and said," Put your shirt on." I picked up Gavin's shirt instead and slipped it on, feeling disappointed. I heard the lock click open and Gavin revealed the man standing outside. He was tall, taller than Gavin by an inch or so, muscular, dark haired, and a nightmare.

Devin stared at me, not even acknowledging Gavin, and stepped in the house .I back, seeing the rage in his eyes, and collided into a coffee table upsetting it and sending the lamp to the ground. I winced at the sickening shattering of the glass, but Devin didn't even blink. My heart pounded in my chest and I wondered if he could hear it; wondered if he could see how freighted I was. “Hello, Kathrin." His voice was surprisingly even.

I swallowed hard." Hi Devin." My voice broke on the last word and I prayed to God that he didn't hear it.
“How are you?"
I blinked. He was acting like he had just run into me at the grocery store. “I’m... fine."
He smiled. "That's great." Something was very wrong here. I glanced over his shoulder at Gavin who looked at Devin with curiosity and confusion.
"Come home, baby." Devin opened his arms wide." You don't belong here."
He was inches away from me now. “Say you love me and you're sorry. We can pretend this accident never happened."
Maybe I could go back, I suddenly thought. Gavin would forget about me and go find another woman. He was just a good friend helping me out with my problems. Devin is my husband. Maybe I...no. I can’t. Gavin loves me. Even more than that, he was gentle and promised never to hurt me, physically or emotionally. And could I really forget all the times that we spent on the couch together dreaming about the kids that we didn’t have yet or the way he held me when I cried over the bruises that appeared? No I couldn’t. So maybe that’s where I found the courage and strength to whisper right to Devin’s face,” No.”
He blinked, as if he was surprised to hear it. “What did you say?”
“No.” I murmured once again.
Devin’s eyes turned into slits.”Did you think I wouldn’t find out about you and your lover? This is a small town, Kathrin. Or did you think you were going to just disappear with him?”
“I-I don’t…know.”
He pushed me hard onto the wall, the same wall, where Gavin had taken off my shirt and slowly showed me his love for me. As if Devin read my mind, he kneed me in the stomach. I crouched over, feeling the after affects of the blow. I was gasping for breath as he swore then smacked me again with his powerful hand on my right cheek. “Devin,” I was sobbing. I could feel throbbing in my head, making all my thoughts like a fog. “Please! Stop!” I looked at Gavin though my tears, feeling dizzy and wanting nothing more to just vanish from this world. Suddenly the brutal blows stopped, making me open my eyes in curiosity.
Gavin pinned Devin to a wall giving him harsh blows and making Devin grunt in pain. I tried to get up, but my head felt so light and my vision was blurring in and out so fast that I couldn't grasp what was going on. Devin clonked Gavin in the jaw, sending him stumbling backward trying to regain his balance. I got up and fell back onto the wall but lifting my body up, trying to ignore the pain pounding in my stomach and my brain. "Devin, you're not mad at him! It's me you want! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Devin turned and pulled out a gun. I froze. He yanked me into his grasp and wrapped his arm around my waist protectively. I felt the cold metal of the gun press against my neck and I stopped breathing for a moment. Oh, God. Oh, God he's going to kill me. "Don't touch her." Gavin hissed at Devin,
"Don't come any closer to MY wife!"
I winced at the screaming tone. Tears slithered down my cheek one by one. "Gavin." I whispered his name like a prayer. Devin heard it and hollered," Your my wife, dammit! Not his!"
"I'm sorry!"
He beamed suddenly and whispered softly," It's alright, baby. I know you love me."
It sent shivers down my spine, the way he said it.
"Say you love me."
I didn't respond.
"Say it!" He pushed the gun harder into my throat making me cough.
"I love you!"
"Say it like you mean it."
"I love you, Devin!"
"Say you want to come home."
By now the tears were rolling down my cheeks in defeat. "I want to come home."
He smiled obviously pleased and put down his gun. I led me as far as the front door when Gavin pushed him fiercely. The gun went flying outside and I struggled out of Devin's grasp to get it.
I held the gun like a piece of glass, careful not to accidently pull the trigger. I turned around saw Devin carrying the base of the lamp I broke and swinging it at Gavin. It hit him in the head, knocking him over. "Gavin!" I screamed running back inside the house to him. I touched where he was hit and blood colored my pale hand. "Oh, God. Gavin! Baby, wake up! Please!" I wailed then realized he was hanging on; barely breathing but still mine.
Devin made a clicking sound with his tongue and said," Look on the bright side, darling. He isn't going to get in the way of us anymore."
I turned my head slowly, glaring at him in awe and horror. "You…monster."
He laughed. "A monster? Baby, you know I'm hardly a monster. I did it because I love you."
"Because you LOVE me?" I parroted." If you love me you wouldn't have hurt me! If you loved me you wouldn't have abused me! If you loved me you would have let me go!" I took a breath. "You never loved me."
He took a step closer to me. "Kathrin, Kathrin. You’re so confused right now. It's ok. I'll take good care of you."
"Don't you dare so much as touch me."
Devin chuckled. He was actually enjoying this. “Why are you making this so hard? You only have me now. Your lover is dead."
I tried not to let the words hit home but they did. “Don’t say that! He's not..." I couldn't finish.
"Dead? Of course he is!"
He came closer and fear wrapped itself around me, squeezing me so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe. I pulled out the gun with shaking hands. He stopped moving and said," You can't even scold a child let alone kill your own husband."
I tightened my grasp on the gun that was as black as the night creeping around us. “I will. Oh god, I will if I have to."
He laughed. “You know Kathy; you would have made an excellent actress." I flinched at the nickname. My mother called me Kathy when I was young. My mother was also an alcoholic. I was raised by my father and I wouldn't call it a terrible childhood because it wasn't. My dad came to every play, field trip, and choir concert under the moon until I begged him to stop. A sharp pain pierced me in the gut and I wasn’t sure if it was from the memory or the driving of Devin’s knee that he was convicted of earlier.
"Are you thinking of your father now?"
My expression gave away my answer. "See how well I know you? We belong together."
He took another step.
The pistol shook harder in my hands, I almost dropped it, almost let go of my dignity.
I was petrified with fear. My heart was skipping beats and the wheels in my head that were spinning out of control earlier, were now still. I knew, even in my disturbed state of mind, that I would lose one of the two men here tonight. Or both.
“Please, Devin.” I whispered surprised to find a tear sneaking down my cheek. “Please don’t make me shoot you.”
“I can take good care of you, baby. Just come back home.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t expose my vulnerability. Not now.
He moved closer with every beat of my heart. He came so close I could see the rage in his envy green eyes.
One last tear slipped as I raised the gun and murmured,” Goodbye, Devin.”
I pulled the trigger.

The noise was deafening. I had an overwhelming urge to cover my ears. I stepped back in the powerfulness of the little pistol in my quivering hands. The night was pitch black now, but maybe that was because my eyes were clamped shut to keep out the world. “Oh God.” I said to anyone, to no one.” What have I done?” My eyes ached to open out of curiosity but pure willpower kept them shut.
I shot him. It made my fingers tingle with the sudden freeness that raced through my veins. I wanted to smile at the thought but some part of my heart told me that I still loved him; no matter what had happened tonight. A firm grasp clipped me in the shoulder and for a terrifying moment I thought it was Devin. But…He’s dead. I opened my eyes.
There he was. It wasn’t over. I missed. He launched himself at me, whacking me in a desperate need to get the gun. I screamed thrashing him in determination that I would not be the victim anymore. I could feel pain unveiling itself in an ugly purplish blue color that I knew so well. The gun was still in my possession and I felt a sense of self pride in that. Tightening my grip, I understood that this dangerous thing was holding every delicate piece of me that I had left together.
Suddenly Devin was yanking it out my grasp with a powerful force.
“NO!” I screamed it, with everything I had.
Before I even realized what had happened, a firecracker boomed.
Devin stopped and stared at me with vacant eyes before flopping over on the white blanket of fresh snow.
I raced to him, dropping the gun like it was poison, and saw a red liquid gushing out of his upper chest.
Bile raced up my throat at the sight but instead of getting sick, I ran.
My father told me once when I attempted to run away from home with my ear pierced, high ego boyfriend that running away from your problems doesn’t do any good. But that’s what I’m doing now. Running.
The wind slapped my hair across my face, the chill nipped away at the water running down my cheeks and my heart beat an erratic rhythm in my chest. The last time I ran was when I had gathered enough money for a bus ticket to Chicago to escape the beating and cruel life of our little dream house. I ran in the snow that day until my feet were weary and numb and was forced to call Devin to pick me up. Needless to say, my cheeks, arms, legs, and stomach all had a gathering with Devin’s hand and knee.
I reached town in a matter of minutes. The lamps that lined the street made the snow a perfect pyramid in the dark. Knowing this town by heart I raced across the cracked blacktop and sprinted up the steps of the Blue Bird Coffee House. The lights weren’t on but that wasn’t surprising at this hour.
“HELP ME!” I shrieked, pounding the glass so hard I felt the glass shift under my desperation.
No one answered.
I sat down on the steps and looked up at the white confetti falling to the ground.
“Please, God.” I prayed.” Please let someone hear me.”
I waited for anyone so turn the corner but there wasn’t any prince or a knight in shining armor waiting to rescue me. Just my reflection in the cracked glass.
“Kathrin?”
I turned so fast that stars appeared and dizziness made my world blurry. Mr. Clark was staring at me with a box full of tools and at the moment I was grateful to be in this incredibly small town where everyone knew everyone.
“Joe.” My voice wavered surrendering my weaknesses and suddenly the world tilted.
Joe held me up and I read a look of horror on his face.
“Oh my God. Kathrin-“
“I shot him.” I words tumbled out faster than I expected them to. “I shot Devin. I was just so scared, Joe. Gavin was trying to help me but he was hit too.”
“Kathrin, you’re bleeding.” He acted as if he hadn’t heard a single word I’d said.
“Listen Joe! “ I coughed out the last word, tears soaking up my face. “Devin and Gavin are hurt-“
“George! Get over here!”
A man jogged over to my right side and repeated the words that Joe had said earlier.
“Call 911.”
The world was fading in and out faster and faster I couldn’t really remember what happened.
“Is someone hurt, Joe?”
He turned back to me and wiped a strand of hair out of my face. “You are Kathrin.”
“Did I fall?”
“Can you tell me that?”
I heard the ambulance’s sirens ringing through the silence, notifying everyone that rescue was on the way. “Gavin. Devin-“
“Are going to be fine. “
“Do you promise, Joe?”
He looked at me with sad brown eyes not answering in words.
The world turned a beautiful plain black color reminding me that there was always dreamland to go to. Always a pit to fall into without worrying about if you’ll feel the pain of the fall because you’ll never make it to the bottom. But if you were lucky you could stay there. Forever.

“Kathrin.” He opened his arms wide, waiting.
I laughed at my father. “Papa, you know I’m too old for this.”
“You’re never too old to be my little girl.”
His arms spread wider, open to a world of love. It was warm out today. Too warm for December, but despite the strange temperature the sun was still shining and love was still in the air. A little girl raced across the sandy beach with her mother, high pitched laughter ringing above the waves crashing against the shore. A longing doused my happiness. I wish my mother had done that, I thought. I would have given anything to be part of that feeling that only my father expressed.
“Kathrin.” A voice called out behind me, not my father’s. I turned. It was Gavin. His arms too were open wide.
I felt torn between the two voices, reaching out to me, each wanting all of me or none at all.
“Gavin?”
He nodded. “I’m here, Kathrin. I’m waiting.”
I looked back at my father who repeated Gavin’s words. Salty water rippled down my cheeks as the sky turned from a postcard picture perfect sunset to an angry bluish gray. I can’t choose between the two men I love the most. I whipped my hair back and forth between them trying to make a fast decision before my time was up. But in this nightmare, the only trouble I had deciphering was the fact that my father was here. My father had been dead for almost three years.
“I don’t have much time!” My father yelled over the roaring wind that suddenly appeared, swirling the golden sand like dust.
“Papa! Don’t leave me!”
Then there was Gavin, hanging on to my shoulder, anchoring me in place.
“Don’t go! Stay with me!” He was desperate.
“Let me go, Gavin! Please!”
He let me go abruptly, not wanting to lose me by my own free will, but yet giving me the very thing.
I turned back to my father but found only sand in his place.
Tears heated my eyes and blurred my vision but I could see with absolute clarity what had happened. I had run out of time. Turning my body to find comfort in Gavin, I saw that he too had left me. I had never felt so alone in my life before. I closed my eyes waiting for the tears I know would never come. When I opened my eyes, the scenery had shifted. It was all black except for two white portal type looking things that I had only seen in movies. I breathed deeply, in out, in out, in out, until I felt like I could be in control. It was silent. The kind of silence that makes you look over your shoulder for monsters, makes you think of those ghost stories you told in the campfire day. The kind of silence that screams.
A laugh boomed from the left tunnel, making my heart skip a beat. Whether if it was in delight or fear I will never know. Then came a ticking noise from the right tunnel, like the sound you would hear if you were in a hospital. A choir full of angelic voices rang, and then a voice speaking to me in words I couldn’t hear above all this noise. A trumpet, a chair scraping across a floor, Children laughing , pencils lead scratching something out on a piece of paper. The intensity of the sound made me cover my ears. Abruptly, it stopped and silence was the language. Voices in my head said choose. I instantly headed over to the left portal with its singing choir and trumpets. It’s what any person with common sense would do. But just before I entered, I thought about the other portal. It sounded so…real. Full of life. So I followed my heart and did what I thought was best.
I turned right.

Everything was blurry. Hazy all of the sudden. Then slowly I made my way back into the clear.
I saw Joe beside me, holding onto my hand. In all the years I’ve known Joe, he’d never cried in front of anyone; not even his own wife. But he was crying now.
“Joe.”
He looked up sharply and then hugged me. “Oh Kathrin. Thank God.”
He pressed a button for the nurse.
“Where am I?” I asked, touching the soft floral nightgown that I was wearing.
“You’re at the hospital.”
My mind automatically brought me back, registering memory. “Because of last night?”
His eyes glinted the emotion concern as he answered,” Kathrin… You’ve been here for three days.”
I shook my head, delirious. “That’s impossible. Last night-“
“Three days ago.”
“That’s crazy.” I murmured, still thinking it was last night. How could I be gone in that dream for three days? Hours, maybe. But days? No.
“Someone is awake!”
I looked to my left. A nurse with a bouncy ponytail and soft curls falling from it was picking up a chart and on the white board ahead of me read,” Nurse Andrea” in swoopy letters that revealed an A grade in English in her school years.
“How are you feeling?” She flashed her perfectly white teeth at me while twisting a chocolate piece of hair around her finger. She didn’t look any older than I was at all and certainly didn’t look old enough to be out of collage with a degree. But I could tell that the way her fingers flitted across the keyboard, typing in something, and the way she wrote without hesitation on the little white board on the wall about my diagnosis that she was skilled and knew what she was doing. And she was beautiful in every physically possible way a girl could be and wanted to be.
“I’m…fine.” My voice was hoarse and Miss Barbie handed me a glass of water that was on the table next to me.
“Thanks.” I set the water back in its place, feeling refreshed by the small amount of water.
“No problem. Are you hungry?”
I shook my head.
Andrea shrugged. “Ok, but you’re going to have to eat sometime.”
She started to walk out of the room but then paused and said something to Joe. I could only make out a few vowels here and there but when I heard the words Gavin, Devin and Funeral all put in the same sentence, I sat straight up.
“Oh My God. Oh Lord what happened to him?”
Joe and Andrea looked at each other for a moment and I feel my heart pounding inside my rib cage and wondered if they could hear it too. I screamed to know what was going on and when Andrea looked at me with sad brown eyes, I already knew.
“Devin died, two nights ago, Kathrin.”
Maybe I had seen it coming and maybe I hadn’t but it hurt all the same. But it couldn’t have hurt as much as seeing him being drunk again, being a monster that I didn’t recognize from movies or TV shows that I’ve watched; could it?
“I shot him. I’m so sorry, he was hurting me and-“
Andrea shot up her hand to stop me. “We know. It’s not your fault, Kathrin. It’s his.”
I blinked. Never in my life have I heard those words spoken to me in one sentence, never heard that one sentence that was as foreign to me as another language. It became clear to me now that I wasn’t my fault he beat me. It wasn’t because of me breaking a dish or not having supper on time or even running away. It was something inside himself that I couldn’t tame. I wanted to love again. Wanted to love Gavin.
Gavin.
“Where’s Gavin?”
The nurse looked up at me from her little chart and softly said,” He hasn’t woken up yet.” I jumped out of the bed and Andrea screamed for me to get back in and called for other doctors to help her but I couldn’t hear anything accept the little voice in my head whispering Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. I ran into the hallway and screamed his name with everything I had inside of me; anger, love, hate. It was all there. Other patients looked at me as if I was crazy but I couldn’t see anything or hear anything above my own heart beating out of my chest.
Doctors grabbed me by the arms, nails digging in my skin so hard I thought I would bleed.
“Get me the Seductive!” A doctor screamed in my ear.
“Please,” Tears were soaking up my face, unveiling my weakness to everyone. “I need to see him!”
I wanted to cry out the pain inside was so harsh and brutal. It was eating away at my heart; and that was the worst kind of pain. The doctor who had black hair and envy green eyes glanced at me.
“Please.” I whispered one last time.
He sighed and Andrea whispered something to him then he said,” Ok.”
I followed behind him closely, shooing away the curious crowd that had gathered. It seemed like we were walking forever, our feet making an erratic rhythm against the tile floor. The man with the jet black hair and I passed by a family room with two little kids watching Dora the explorer help a lost puppy find his way home. On the couch a woman in her mid forties was holding a used tissue and had tears on her face and a doctor sitting beside her saying something and patting her back. I stared at the scene until we rounded the corner and then I saw a person that looked vaguely familiar but all the same I did not recognize. I pressed my right hand to the glass and my other hand to my cheek. "Oh." I sighed at my appearance; appalled by it. Scars cut across my face as if they were a reminder that I was still alive; still had a chance at life. Bruises outlined the story that hadn’t been told just yet and my blond honey colored hair was matted against my ugly face. But none of this mattered to me. Not after the hell I’ve been through. What mattered was the people who had stood by my bedside, held me, all the doctors coming to check up on me, making sure that I was going to be okay. That’s what mattered now.
I turned away from the mirror and let Mr. Envy Eyes lead me into Gavin’s room.
If I had any breath before I had entered that room, I’m sure I didn’t have it now. Gavin’s head was bandaged and bruised, much like my own, but it was the look of…nothing on his face made it so much harder to keep away the veil of tears. The door clicked shut, and it was a sound that shouldn’t have made me jump at the suddenness but it did.
“Gavin?” I walked closer to the stranger with Gavin’s name but not his personality that I had come to know so well. His quiet laugh that was so contagious, His smile that could light up a room, His understanding, His hands, and everything that made me love him in so many ways that the thought of me losing him was nearly impossible to remember until now.
The bed wasn’t soft like his was and the smell of sickness crawled on the walls and left their stench, until it became impossible to clean. Impossible to imagine what life was like outside these walls that sucked you in.
“Wake up Gavin. I-I need you to wake up. Please. “
I wanted to tell him he meant the world to me, that I wanted to marry him someday, that he was the only one that would really understand me but the words were caught between my heart and my mouth. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it so hard that my knuckles turned white. A slowly burning need for him to wake up was formed in my soul. “Please. I need you!” I murmured. I couldn’t lose control in a place where control was as precious as gold. “You’re the strong one, Gavin. I’m not. You were the one who pulled me through when Devin beat me. I-I never stopped to think about you. How hard that must have been on you. “
I paused long enough to make sure all my emotions were in check. They weren’t. Tears were streaming down my paled face and I could almost see my heart breaking .
“I’m so sorry. For everything.”
I laid my head on his chest falling asleep to the reassuring sound of his heart beating. Hanging on.

Days passed. I was released from the hospital, if you could call it that. My nights and days were spent at the hospital where Gavin was held. The only thing that had changed was that I was wearing faded jeans and a baggy red sweatshirt instead of a floral nightgown. Everything else, it seemed, stayed the same. The nurses cheery smile when I came by every day, the Christmas lights shining, the carolers from high schools coming to sing to the children down the hall, the Christmas calendar in the lobby reminding me of the holiday that was nearing. And just how long I’ve been here.
“ Hey, Kathrin?”
I spun around to find Joe and his wife, Susan, in the doorway of room 206.
I smiled but it was fake and we both knew it. But what difference did it make? Everything was fake these days. “Hey Joe, Susan. Why are you here?”
Joe physically flinched and instantly looked uncomfortable. “I...ah…want to…um…”
Susan sighed and looked at me sadly. “ He wants to question you about that night. “
“Oh.” I had forgotten in all of this grief that Joe was a friend and among many other things that could describe him, a police officer.
“I’m sorry I have to do this but-“
I waved him off. “I understand.”
I looked back at Gavin, silently promising him I’d be back later then headed out of the hospital.
The drive there was awkward and silent, but that was ok. Talking was something that would be done later and it would hurt, going back, but I’d do it, for the sake of sanity.
We entered the station and were greeted with curious glances and few muttered hellos. It’s not easy, I realized, walking through a sea of faces that I couldn’t match with a name, all judging me, knowing what happened wasn’t just a single act of violence, but a boiling point.
Joe sat in the blue leather chair that I bought for him last Christmas and I prayed that he’d give me some mercy.
His pudgy fingers drummed the table as he said, “Ok so I'm going to ask you some questions about that night and before that. You can't just nod or shake your head; you have to answer and Kathrin?"
I looked up. Joe looked at me with sad brown eyes that read I'm sorry. I knew that emotion so well that I could teach a class on the topic.
“If you want me stop the tape just say."
I nodded. My insides were shaking fiercely and my confidence was slipping away faster than I would have liked. I stood tall in my seat as Joe pressed the play button on the little black recorder that would catch every mistake I had made that night and before that. I wiggled in my seat and blew out a concealed breath.
"Can you tell us your name?"
"Kathrin Dickinson."
"Your maiden name?"
“Kathrin Clark."
“Miss Clark,” I opened my mouth to correct him, to say that my name was Mrs. Dickinson not Miss Clark, but then I remembered just how much had changed in that one night. “ What, exactly, happened that night?”
I opened my mouth to tell him but nothing came to mind. Or rather to mouth. I had everything Joe needed stuck in the cobweb in the back of my brain along with the other things I had tried to forget.

I looked down as if trying to humble myself or maybe make me invisible and shook my head.
Joe cocked his head sideways. “ Miss Clark?”
I chose to play with the fragments of memories that I had and carefully and cautiously piece them into something that would hurt much less, fool myself into thinking that it was someone else’s horror story.
“I kept glancing back, making sure he hadn’t followed me. I know that sounds stupid, but it is a nagging habit that I couldn’t seem to shake. I twisted the finger that once held my wedding band…”

It seemed to go on forever, the silence that followed my story. My hands shook like an earthquake and my eyes kept pooling over. Worst of all, Joe just sat there staring at me, long after he stopped the tape.
“Oh, Kathrin…” He sighed. “ What now?”
I blinked, totally thrown off by the question. I had never, even once, asked myself what would happen now.
“ I-I don’t know.”
“What else did he do to you?”
I sank lower in my chair and put my hands over my eyes. “It wasn’t so bad at first. He took me away from my family and made it so I couldn’t have contact with them and took all of my savings then put them in a joined account with his money. I had nothing left after that but I loved him so much that I accepted it. Then came everything else. The beating, the lying, the feeling of being a prisoner in my own home. I didn’t think I’d make it through…but then I met Gavin.”
“It must have been awful.” Susan wiped her eyes for the hundredth time in the past hour.
“Yes. It was.”
“What about-“
I heard the unmistakable ring of my cell phone hiding somewhere inside my purse. I located it, and checked the caller ID. Unknown. I frowned then,” Hello?”
“Miss Clark?”
“This is she.”
“Gavin Corduroy is wake and has been asking to see you.”
I couldn’t breathe I was so happy. He was awake, he wanted to see me, but best of all was that he was going to be ok.
“ Thank you so much. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I snapped the phone shut and stood up smiling.
“He’s awake. I’ll talk to you later.”
Joe smiled and wished me luck. I beamed and told Joe that I needed it.

I touched the snow white limestone and brushed my hand over it, dusting off snow. The flowers in my hand were shaking so I set them down before I dropped them instead. It seemed like such a shame to buy beautiful yellow daisies that still had dew on their pedals only to lay them in the snow like a forgotten dream or love that you out grew . The stone read:



Devin Gordon Dickinson

September 13th 1978- December 19th 2011

Nothing was after that. What could I say? Gavin slipped his arm around my waist and I put my head on his chest; a new habit that I adopted lately. That and the new house on the other side of town in the middle of a forest where the deer surprise us every morning as we’re out for a walk, sleeping in the same bed as him, and the wedding band on my finger. Gavin and I had gotten married on New Year’s Eve, a small wedding with no honeymoon ditto the reception but it was perfect. Gavin carried me into our "new" house-a cliché but still exciting- and popped open a bottle of champagne and sat in the living room with our feet plopped on the old sofa that the salesman had said was from the 1930's; a classic. We both new this wasn't the case ,that this was just another couch that would fall apart sooner or later. But just like the story of us, we saved it and gave it a home like someone would do with a puppy and Gavin thinks it's the best couch he's ever owned. I couldn't have agreed more.
" He loved you."
I looked up, startled at what he said. He was faced away from me and wouldn't meet my eye.
" He loved you in his own sick way."
I nodded, knowing that it was true.
"Why did you love him after all he did to you?"
" I loved him for who he was when I married him. He was charming, funny, handsome and the perfect gentlemen. Any girl would fall for him; and I" my shoulders shrugged."was no exception."
I paused and watched Gavin nod slowly in agreement. I needed him to glance at me, to let me know that I was still strong. Then," Gavin." my voice wavered." Look at me."
He didn't turn toward me and I was afraid that he was angry or lost or even just scared. Slowly he met my eyes and I saw that he was afraid.
" I love you, Gavin. Yes I wish that Devin wouldn't have died but I thank god it wasn't you."
A tear slipped from his eye, unveiling his weakness: Love.
" Ah, Kathrin." he sighed." Thank you for saving me."
He kissed my forehead then laced his fingers through my own.
"You ready?" he questioned.
I nodded watching as the gravestone in front of me blurred to a gray figure in the mist in a veil
I took Gavin's hand and let him led me to the car and found myself thinking about what Gavin had said; thank you for saving me. I suddenly knew what it meant. Love can mean many things. Happiness, hurt, hate, affection, safe, and even saving. Gavin had saved me from hurt and tears and I had saved him in a way that only love can save people. We saved each other and formed a safe haven. A somewhere safe where love creeps up behind you when you least expect it. Like it did with me.
Gavin stopped suddenly in his tracks and I looked up startled. He just smiled and squeezed my hand and assuring my optimism everything was going to be okay. Assuring me that he was my somewhere safe.