I have to ask—do all books on this website have only 12 chapters?

The Forgotten Comment Just to tell you in advance, I write my comments while I read so you can get a better feel of my emotions. I apologize sincerely because this will make a REALLY long comment. So here we go. Ch 1 - I love the title of the chapter. First chap. in the book, and BAM it's already the end. Cool effect. I like the repetitiveness in the things she says. "What a rhetorical question, if I'm *here telling you this." Also, you misused "faith." I believe it should be "fate." I really like your voice throughout the beginning here. It gives an intro with some personality. Very cool. "Impatients" --should be--> "impatience" hahaha don't you smile you beautiful idiot!! That's hysterical. "Chocking" --should be--> "choking" What a cliffhanger! I'll keep reading now. Ch 2 - I feel like the truck and elephant humor (?) did not fit the mood. It made me think it was going to be a funny chapter. Her sarcasm kind of does the same thing. Ch 3 - Make sure you're using commas and semi-colons correctly, please. I really love your diction. It's crisp and I can really picture the scene in my head. Ch 4 - Leah's sarcasm at the beginning kind of hinted at some comedy. If that's what you wanted, great, but if you want this book to really hit your readers hard in the chest, make it serious. I love how you called the alarm clock vulgar. You've got great diction. My exact thought --> "How is she getting cell service there?" Ooh, cliffhanger. Onward! Ch 5 - Its funny how she mentions her wisdom teeth, and it makes sense that she would try and blame her pain on something normal. I would if I was in that situation. Very realistic of a teenager. LOVE THE LAST SENTENCE. Ch 6 - Moon cycle? She said the room had no windows, so how can she know the moon cycle? NEVER MIND. I thought she was still in the little dark room. You might want to clarify that in the last few chapters. (4,5) I think you should say how old Mouse is. I'm picturing an old lady, but then you said she should be partying and whatnot. It's kind of a conflicted image. You add more humor, but I'm still not sure if I should laugh or not. The situation seems too dire. Nice oxymoron at the end. Ch 7 - Again with the comedy, but I'm just gonna stop mentioning that. You know what to fix. Ooh, nice description on the kissing scene. Nice. I want to know what she saw! Ch 8 - oh yuck! What a descriptive way to say he's a vampire! Nice! Ooh, weird. "The Forgotten." That's cool. I'm not sure if, personally, I like the idea of a zombie-vampire mix. I'm not usually into that kind of stuff, but hey, this one's cool. That was really interesting, and I liked it a lot, but I feel like her figuring out she was a forgotten should've been a bigger thing. The way Adrian said it seemed so casual. Ch 9 - interesting beginning. Again make sure you're using commas and semi-colons correctly. (There's a forum on here all about grammar. You should check it out.) whoa, this is from Adrian's point of view. Cool!! It's kind of creepy how they had pictures of Leah just laying around... Oh wait, it's from the POV of Leah's brother...? You might want to clarify there. Oh wow, he's mad. Cool, very good. I think at the end of the third section, you should show more zombie & vampire traits of Adrian's parents. Ch 10 - that's a really good chapter. Really good. I liked your description for her a TON, except maybe the hair. That was an itty bit confusing, but I got the point anyway. I love how she's gradually falling in love with him. Aww. Ch 11 - I thought when he went into the gas station, that he was going to run into Leah. That freaked me out for a sec. I'm glad you didn't make that happen. Oh no, he can't like Leah. That's insane. Btw, great voice throughout the ENTIRE novel. I just can't get over how much personality you've packed into this. It's really cool. I love how realistic his hotel stay and call with Leah are. Really, seriously awesome. You're great at describing stuff. Ch 12 - oh no last chap! Try not to change tense all the time. I love her moodswing, how hilarious. I love how she's so self conscious. You capture that feeling really well. I can really tell she's nervous. I LOVE the connection to the witch trials. Absolutely BRILLIANT. My favorite part of this chapter is why she wanted the kiss. She didn't want to kiss him because she liked him, but rather because she wanted to taste blood. That's brilliant. Overall, incredible. I wasn't too crazy about the zombie/vampire thing at first, but you made me like it. I could not put my iPad down! There are some grammar and spelling issues, most of which I've highlighted above, but overall, amazing.

Thanks :) I'm not sure how you can bookmark it, I think you can click a link somewhere requesting to receive an email when I publish new chapters (hope that helps).

Thanks for reading !

Amazing!!!!!!

This is amazing, every girl wants a bad boy who's good just for her!  Btw, does anyone know how to bookmark cuz I am definitely bookmarking this!

More more more!!!

Ahh I so love this book it is very good and heartwarming all at the same time. I think you should keep writing more pages soon. Hey can you look at my stuff and see what you like I have poems and one book on this web site so check it out if you have a chance k. Thank You!! :) 

Good story! And great character voice, i love it!!! can't wait to read more!

I thought the storyline was good and suspenseful. I do have some critics though. I know that a lot of people have already mentioned the spelling errors, and also the weird arrows in the text. Secondly, I feel that a lot of the writing was a little choppy and too quick from one thing to the next. I think more emotion and details should be put in so it feels more as though the reader is there seeing it all for themselves, if that makes any sense?

 

Hopefully I wasn't just repeating a lot of what other people said, that was just my two cents. Definitely keep writing, though (:

* signes.  

Sorry about that, I just recently bought an American mac so the sighs changed from the arrows to ". In french we don't have " on the keyboard. Same for the paragraphes. In France books aren't presented the same way. Sorry if it caused any confusion. 

I like this a lot. The paragraphing is weird, though. It threw me off a little bit, as well as the arrows instead of the ". Is there any significance to the arrows?

Thanks !! I will try adding more description and emotions in my next chapters, I have a hard time with that sort of stuff;) Again thank you for reading !

I love the plot; it's very unique. The summary immediately intrigued me. I'd hate to say this again, but you do have a few grammatical errors. It's nothing too big, and it definitely doesn't take away from your story. :)

 

Hmm. What else? I think that you should try adding more descriptions and emotions. Not too much. Just a little. It'll make the story more vivid, if you know what I mean.

 

Great work! :)

Thanks Renthead96. The next few chapters are going to be back and forth between Adrian and Darik's view, so you will get more information about the whole vampire and zombie relationship. As for the mistakes, thank you :) Keep posted for more. :) and thanks again for checking this out. It means alot to me !

thanks so much :)

Thank you Garnet77. The next chapter is going to be under another character's point of view... so keep reading ! 

as a mom, i love this story - age appropriate but exciting, fun,sensual,etc.-it's great knowing that there are those who like to write something other than "texts" - i just wonder if this writer's nightmares are as interesting - please continue

This is an interesting story. I enjoyed the relationship you created between vampire and zombie--I'm pretty sure I haven't seen that yet. However, there are various spelling/grammar mistakes. You can always have someone else review your chapters to help check for these mistakes: a parent, a sibling, a relative, etc. Just to help with this, I've selected a few common mistakes that you've made to show what you should look for:

"He is aloud to take a break, I'm not angry with Him."

This was a spelling error: "allowed," instead of "aloud."

"It was under my own free will. I could have stayed in bed that day. I could have slept in. The night before, I could have turn ed my alarm off. I could have canceled my date with my girlfriends. I could have. But I didn't."

You commonly would write with choppy sentences. This can be fixed easily by combining these sentences using commas and such.

"I guess it was faith, I was destined to die that day, a Sunday."

Again, a typo: I believe you meant "fate" instead of "faith."

Otherwise, I did enjoy reading what you've posted of this novel. Don't worry too much about the mistakes; they're very common with many writers, and everyone makes them. But keep on writing, I can't wait to read more! I would also like to add that I liked the narrator because she used her own sense of humor and sarcasm in many situations. I thought she was funny. And I have a character in my novel names Adrian too! I absolutely love that name :)