Whoooooshhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I landed with a thud on a hard concrete floor. I inspected myself for any major injuries or flesh wounds. But besides a sore spot that would become a bruise in about ten minutes, I was all right. To my total disbelief. I sighed. “Wow. That whole terrifying journey and I end fine!” Just then I heard the screams of a certain friend of mine and a guy that I suddenly hated. Before I could even react, Amina and that Tanjiro dude fell out of the vortex and right onto my partially-healing body. “Oh my God, Tanjiro, are you okay?” I heard Mina fussing as she sat fixedly on my back. “‘Tanjiro’?!?!! What about me? You know? Your best friend of ten years that you’re currently sitting on?!” I exclaimed, trying to shove the extra 5000 pounds off my back. They wouldn’t budge. “And what the hell is a portal doing in the middle of a ceiling?! Who the hell does that??!?!?” “Shut up!” Tanjiro stage-whispered at me. “Someone’ll hear you.” As if right on cue we heard the ominous sounds of feet on concrete. We all made the same “Eeeehk!” sound at the same time. Which would’ve been pretty effin funny, had it not been the life-and-death situation I assumed we were in. Suddenly I felt hands on my back, and I was thrown across the room behind a desk. I landed hard and wanted to sit and moan and pout like Peter on that one episode of Family Guy. But I realized the direness of the moment and just rolled under the desk. Looking down, I noticed a book lying under the desk next to me. I picked it up. Bluntly I muttered, “Fabio?” I heard the door to the room we were in open. Peeking around the side of the desk, I saw Tanjiro standing in the middle of the room. What the hell is he doing!??!?!?!! I thought. Isn’t something bad gonna happen if they see him?!? And where the crap is Mina?! “Sergeant T-3198, what are you doing in here?” Tanjiro looked really uncomfortable. “Uh…” The (male) voice continued, “Because you were supposed to meet me in my quarters half an hour ago…” I struggled to suppress my laughter. Turned out Mr. Macho Man was really Mr. Likes-to-Enter-Macho-Man. “…for a cup of tea, of course!” I started rolling around on the floor. Mid-roll, I finally saw Mina in a glass cabinet across the room, reacting the exactly same way I was. I caught her eye, and we shared a look and started silent-laughing even harder. Tanjiro blanched. “Uh… Lieutenant Brewery, I thought I cancelled that…an hour ago.” This Lieutenant replied, “Uh, yeah. I guess you did.” He cleared his throat, and then haughtily continued, “And the name’s Browery, not Brewery.” “Hm. Well. I’ll have to work on that one.” “Oh, no, no, that’s fine. You—you can call me ‘Brewery’ if you want. I don’t mind!” the guy quickly admitted. Total suck-up. “Just—just leave.” I could practically see Tanjiro rolling his eyes. And I didn’t even know if he was that type of person. (I would later discover that yes, he was.) “Of course, sir! Is there anything else I can get you, sir?” Tanjiro scratched his invisible beard. “Yes. Can you get my Mitsubishi read? I need to…be heading somewhere.” “Which Mitsubishi?” “The G-14.” “Yes, sir! Of course, sir!” I heard the door open and close at almost the same time. “Fast worker,” I muttered to myself, busting into another fit of laughter. I was still kind of under the desk, so it took me a minute to notice that Tanjiro was towering over me. He grabbed the front of my wife beater and pulled me out from under the desk. He went over to Amina’s cabinet and yanked her out too. “Um, um, um….” I blubbered. With Tanjiro holding my shirt the way he was, and considering what kind of shirt it was, he was basically allowing the world to see my beautiful (not so much) black bra that was seeable in the huge open space between the front of my held-onto shirt and my chest. “You’re kinda, um…Yeah.” Ignoring me, he dumped Mina on the floor and, still holding onto my shirt, he walked over to a cabinet and pulled out some gross-looking clothes. “Here, put these on,” he told us, finally letting me loose. He threw one set at me and the other at Mina. She grudgingly obliged, but I held those things a bit too close to my face and got a huge whiff of ‘em. “Eeewwwww!!!!!!!! Moth balls!!!” “Just put them on!” Tanjiro demanded. I whined, “But they smell so gross!!!!!” “Listen, you!” He suddenly grabbed the front of my shirt again and pulled my face close to his. I suddenly became hyper-aware that he looked totally hot when he was frustrated. I repressed the urge to close that short span of distance and kiss him. The door burst open, and a person who I assumed was Lieutenant Brewery—excuse me, Browery—popped through the door. The three of us kind of froze and stared in horror at each other. “Oh, uh, Sergeant… Those are some handsome boys you’ve got there.” I felt the terror melt from my face as I absorbed his words. ‘Boys’? ‘BOYS’?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! mf a-hole I was about to lunge for that stupid $**&#*#&*&%$$ %#$$^%&$##@ @$%^&&% when I felt Mina grab my arm. Plus Tanjiro was still holding onto the front of my shirt, despite the fact that he was about to pass out dead because he was so freaked out. He regained control of himself and let go of my shirt. He stood up straight and dusted the front of his jacket. “Uh, yes. Thank you.” The Lieutenant looked pretty uncomfortable. He’s probably sad that Tanjiro’s trying to get it on with these two “guys” while T won’t even come to his room for tea. Ha! [[Ha ha, I made a punny!]] “Uh, will you be needing anything else, sir?” “No, that’s it for now, Brewery. Leave me now.” “Yes, sir.” And he promptly turned and basically ran out of the room. Tanjiro’s attention turned back to me. “Okay, here are the rules. One: girls aren’t supposed to be in the general public area, which is why I’m having you put on these ‘gross’ clothes. Two: you are not to speak or let on to the fact that you are female. Got it?” When we made no signs of disapproval, he continued. “And three: for God’s sake, don’t laugh!” That just got us laughing. I finally put on the stupid outfit and even tried to model it. “Man, I hate this thing!” I complained. “It totally covers up my figure!!!” Mina rolled her eyes at me. “Were you not listening to a word the guy just said? That’s the point, dumbass.” I rolled my eyes at Mina now. “Well no duh! I got that part. I never said I didn’t know why it gave me no figure. I just said that it didn’t. And I mean, for real! At least you can see my boobs with anything else I wear! This totally just makes them, like, non-existent!” Tanjiro’s eyebrow twitched. “Are we finished socializing yet?” I grinned hugely and demurred. “Oh, I guess.” This time I did see him roll his eyes. “Good. It’s time to leave, then.” “Do you want me to bring Fabio, sir?” I asked sarcastically, biting my lip to contain my laughter. Tanjiro just looked at me. “What?!”

We walked down the hallway. The only sound reverberating through the hall was the loud tapping of our boots on the concrete. Oh, that, and the incessant “Good morning, sir!”s, and the “How are you today, sir?”s, oh, and the “Can I get you anything, sir?”s. For some odd reason Mina and I found this unreasonably hilarious. We were still slightly drunk, so that was probably it. We started giggling and nudging each other in the ribs. Tanjiro turned his head to glare at us with one eye. We quickly straightened up and pretended to be mannerly little boys. [Yeah right.] We approached a door, and a guy in a suit with one of those weird ear pieces that made him look like a Secret Service agent opened the door for us. He nodded at Tanjiro. He nodded in return and led us outside. As we heard the door quietly slide closed behind us, we gaped at the nice-looking car parked in front of us. Without pausing T went around the front of the car and got into the driver’s seat. When we didn’t move, he rolled down the passenger window. “Are you guys coming or not?” We unfroze and jumped toward the car. It was a two-door, so we had to pull open the passenger seat and slide into the back. I let Amina get in first, and then after she had I pushed the seat back into place and sat down in the front. Tanjiro gave me a look. “Uh, no. Hell no. Get out. Or I’m leaving you here.” Sighing heavily and making a big show of rolling my eyes, I stepped out of the car and sat in the back. “Fine, Mr. Uptight Has-Tea-With-Gay-Guys Man,” I muttered under my breath. “Okay, turn on the turbo jet and let’s go back to the warehouse.” Mina and I looked at each other. Was he talking to us? Cuz we had no idea what ‘turbo jet’ was, or where the hell the warehouse was located. Suddenly the car got very quiet, and in the next second we were thrown back against the seat. “What the hell!!!!!!” I screamed as the air streamed past my face. He rolled the windows up, and I realized my windows were tearing super-bad. A female voice questioned, “Mr. Sachio, do you need anything today?” “Yeah, gimme a coffee, and uh, some of those pills.” “The doctor said to take only two a day.” Tanjiro sipped his coffee. “If I wanted criticism, I’d talk to those two things in the back seat.” “Hey!” I exclaimed, thoroughly upset by that. I was going to say something else, but then my stomach growled. Loudly. The voice asked, “Do the ‘things’ need anything?” Tanjiro gave the windshield a smug grin. “Nope. They don’t need a thing.” After a short fifteen-minute superdrive, we pulled up to the place. It was a big grey building. It kind of glimmered in the light, and it almost appeared to be made out of steel or something. He rolled down his window, and this weird little thing that floated on this fan thing hovered into the car. A bright light enveloped the car, and it seemed that it was scanning T’s eye. “Oooh, pretty colors!” I quipped, pretending to roll my eyes in two different directions, an inside joke between me and Amina. The little floaty thing exited the car, and a big door opened. Tanjiro pulled in and stopped the car. He got out, and Mina and I tried to climb out of the car at the same time. Needless to say, it didn’t work, and we basically fell into a heap outside the door. “I see you’ve brought home some presents.” I swiveled my head around to see a very hugely buff, extremely tall, scary-looking dude. He was followed by another guy. That one was less scary and had these awesome tattoos all the way down his arms. He kind of looked at me like I was crazy when he caught me staring at his arms, but they were cool! “Are those…girls?” Tattoo Dude asked incredulously. Mr. T [ha-ha, I know, I thought it was funny too] pulled us up onto our feet. This time, fortunately, he let go of me and let me handle myself. “But where on Inuye—” “Wait. What the hell is Inuye?” That was me, with my big idiot mouth and stupid undying curiosity. Tattoo Dude blinked at me, then looked at T. “Tanjiro, where did you get them?” “Okay, okay. So I might have maybe gone through a portal into the past and maybe possibly messed up the time continuum. But I did manage to get us a bargaining chip. “If I turn these two over to Azusena, I’ll personally get to meet with her, and it will give us the perfect chance to destroy her.” The big scary guy stroke Mina’s face very gently, and a bit pervertedly, I might add. “Now, why would we give Azusena two more beautiful young ladies?” Despite his scariness [yah I know I say that way too much] and his partial grossness, I had to admit that this guy was nice. I mean, hey, he was the one trying to keep us from going to whoever the hell this Azusena was. “Yeah, dude, for real,” the other skimpier guy added. “Koji, have you been smoking pot again?” Tanjiro asked. “And what if I have?” The two continued arguing. Mina looked at me. “Man, they’re kinda immature.” “Totally,” I agreed. The buff dude’s head kinda popped up behind us [imagine that anime thing where the head kinda floats up behind the people talking]. “You ladies aren’t from around here, are you?” Thoroughly freaked out, I jumped and squealed like a baby pig. [Not something I like imagining myself as.] Mina, on the other hand, managed to keep her cool. “No, we aren’t,” she answered. “Could you tell us who this Azusena person is? We keep hearing that name, but we have no idea who or what that is.” He raised an eyebrow. “Wow. You really aren’t from around here if you don’t know who Azusena is.” He extended a hand to Mina. “Hi. I’m Matsuri.” She smiled warmly and took his hand. “I’m Amina.” Little fireworks were going off in the background, and they were giving each other the squiggly-shaky eyes that all anime characters get when they are looking into each others’ soul or whatever. “Um, okay,” I called into their deep-passion moment. “Hey, over here? Remember me? And that question that she just asked a few seconds before you guys decided it was Let’s-Make-Halia-Sick Day?” Matsuri looked away from her and met my gaze. “I would gladly tell you the tale of Azusena. Please, make yourselves comfortable.” He gestured toward a little, like, sitting area or something, I guess. It consisted of two incredibly worn-looking couches with a piece of wood setting on cinderblocks in between them. I think it was supposed to be a coffee table, since it was covered with nasty-looking glasses and mug rings. There was an itty-bitty TV near the set up. It didn’t look big enough to see . Mina and I exchanged a look, but Matsuri was being nice, so we did the polite thing and took dainty seats on the edge of one of the couches. He sat down at the one adjacent to us. His face took on this wise-old-story-telling-man look as he began to tell the story. “Some say she started out as a bull frog, or possibly an ugly baboon with a butt for a face. The story really ranges depending on where you go. But it’s always along the same line. She was REALLY ugly. Like seriously ugly. Like ‘barf up your guts’ ugly. But then after like 500 years of living like the ugly thing she was, she got together with the cockroaches and discussed ruling the world. Except they decided that no one would take them seriously if they didn’t have a leader who looked normal but would stand out among others. So they used black magic and made a potion that changed Azusena into a beautiful, stunning woman whose looks could blind a man. But the effects were only temporary, and they needed more supplies to continually produce the potion. And so eventually the cockroaches took their place and conquered the world. And Azusena, the ugly fish-headed thing she was, took the potion and astounded the world with her beauty, thus capturing every man’s attention, because all they care about is…uh…well you know.” Matsuri looked thoroughly discomforted and quickly continued. “So now that the cockroaches had all the men of the world in their grasp, they felt pretty pleased; they were pretty happy. And that would’ve been the end of it right there. You know, there were usually just a couple runnin’ round your house, and it wasn’t a big deal. But then Azusena had to come in and mess up the whole thing and drank like five bottles of the potion at once. Not only was that, like, illegal, but it also made her act high for, like, five days—for real she did—and she went and pretty much stamped all the cockroaches to death—” “All over the whole world???” I jumped in when he finally paused for a breath. “Yes, the whole world. Actually she’s pretty fat, so… “So she retook control of all the men of the world, and she commanded that they either lock up or kill all the other women of the world, no matter what age. That way all the guys would want her all the time instead of the rest of them. And uh, so yeah, that’s why there’s no chicks around here anymore, and why there’s a bunch of dogs going crazy around the world. Oh, and also why there’s like five times as many gay guys. “So we formed a resistance group to fight against her, but as you can see—eeehk—we aren’t very large, and thus we don’t get very much accomplished. But Tanjiro here,” he continued, clapping a hand on Mr. T’s shoulder, totally startling him out his on-going argument with Tattoo Dude over his pot, “got on the inside and enlisted in the army.” “But what about you two?” Min asked, referring to Matsuri and the other dude whose name we still didn’t know. “Uhh… We didn’t make the cut. Actually, we’re lucky we snuck out before they kill us.” “They were gonna kill you just because you didn’t pass their standards?!?” “Yeah. Despite Azusena herself being truly ugly, she doesn’t like ‘ugly’ guys who don’t meet her strict code. So yeah, pretty much. Speaking of which, few have actually seen her true form. Most of them die right after, because she can’t attack people in her regular, ‘beautiful’ form, and so most who’ve seen her in her natural start had, like, pissed her off or something—or she had just forgotten to take her Viagra—and um, I though, was unlucky enough to see her in her true form.” I gave him a look of intense sympathy that signaled I was surprised he wasn’t dead from seeing her like that because of how I was picturing her. I know that I’d die if I saw a thing like that. Ugh. “I mean, uh, I don’t remember it. It was like really gross and stuff, and my mind was kinda like ‘Oh God, get that image out right now’ and so my brain kinda threw it out the door. But it was tragic. I was surprised I didn’t go blind.” “Shut up, Matsuri!” “You be quiet, Tanjiro! You’re just not jealous that you didn’t see that hideous body that made you wanna barf your guts out and eat them all over again!” Mat retorted. Tanjiro came back with, “Hey, at least I made it through the boot camp!” “Yeah, but I snuck out of a high-security prison, thank you!” The other guy, whose name we still did not know, said, “Wow, you guys really like to talk about pointless stuff, don’t ya?” Together they snapped, “Shut up, Koji! You’re just mad cuz you never do anything cool!” And thus we learned his name.

“So… Will you guys help us?” I replied drily, “Not if we’re gonna be monster bait.” “Well then what’s the point—” Tanjiro was cut off when Koji jumped on him and covered his mouth. “We’re glad to have new members in, especially two beautiful young girls.” He smiled, it seeming forced because of the situation he was in, but it really was genuine. I hoped. Mina and I glanced at each other. “Um… Okay. Can we get out of these clothes now? They smell like moth balls.” “Oh yes, I have some wonderful clothes from some of my old girlfriends,” Koji cheerfully told us. “But if you have any sense,” Matsuri added, “you won’t wear them because God only knows where they’ve been!” “Um… okay, then we won’t wear them,” I said. “They aren’t that dirty!!” “Okay, then we will wear them.” “Are you kidding me?” Matsuri yelled. “You probably haven’t washed those clothes since your girlfriend wore them last!” “Then let’s not wear them,” Mina said. “Are you trying to insult me—and my girlfriend—by not wearing my clothes?!?” Koji looked strangely manic. Mina looked like she was going to have heart attack. “No no! That’s not what we meant!! We meant no disrespect at all—” “Okay, everyone just SHUT UP!!” Tanjiro yelled. “I have some clean, not gross clothes that they can wear. If you would just follow me.” He was already turning away. The two of us hurried to keep up. He led us to a corner divided off by tarps hung from the ceiling. The whole setting of it was way creepy, and Mina and I shared a look of our discomfort. I mean seriously, for all we knew this was all a scam to sell us as whores on the south side of Detroit. And we were gonna be cheap whores, not even the nice kind that get lots of money and aren’t so looked down on. Mina grabbed my arm and pulled me close. “I don’t like this.” I nodded. “Definitely.” We stayed silent as our footsteps echoed down the silent hallway. After a tense moment she leaned back and said, “I mean, what if he’s gonna take us to some little dark room and cut us up into little pieces, leaving us alive and conscious the entire time?” I frowned openly at her. “Damn, Mina. Even I was only considering prostitution.” After another corridor of dark, abandoned rooms with flickering lights overhead, Mina and I slowly began trailing behind, not on purpose at first, but suddenly getting an idea from the quite large distance between us and Tanjiro. I only had to tug on Mina’s arm for her to nod and agree. “I’m honestly not trying to be harsh with you guys,” Tanjiro began confessing as we chose our first room of escape. “It’s just I’m in the military, you know? And like we said before, there aren’t any girls any more, just some creepy trannies that don’t really cut it, and it’s all just kind of stressful…” We pressed ourselves against the wall by the door, holding our breath as his steps continued on, his voice dimming as he unsuspectedly spoke to no one. “… because a man has needs, and especially at my age…” “Can you get the door?” Mina whispered, probably only able to see my silhouette. I nodded in a way so that she could see me, then carefully took the peeling metal door with both hands and closed it, turning the knob slowly like when we sneak out of (or in) my grandmother’s house. Satisfied, she flicked on the light switch, which reluctantly buzzed to life. Inside there wasn’t much: some old metal cabinets, a long-expired desk, and, to my own personal horror, some of the biggest, nastiest spiders I’d ever seen. “Oh, God Mina! Where the hell are we?!” “What? Why?” She came over beside me to see what could have possibly brought my outcry. To no surprise, her reaction was fairly similar. “Oh my God! Is that an actual f*ing spider!!!” “Watch your language, Mina, any age group could end up reading this, but yeah, that’s definitely a spider.” We watched in terror as it just sat on its web, as big as a rat with icy blue veins running down its black back. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that that thing ate mice. It stirred slightly and we both shrieked, running back over to the door. “Halia, I don’t care if they make us sex slaves or tiny slabs of meat, I am not staying in the same room with that thing. It’s as big as my hand!!” “Hell yes! Let’s just go find Tanjiro and pretend nothing happened.” Mina threw open the door and we both spilled out, quickly pulling it behind us like the giant spider had decided we suddenly looked good and followed us, which it probably hadn’t, but I didn’t want to take the chance that it might have so I made sure it was sealed tight. “Dear, God, that thing is terrifying,” Mina said, her face extremely pale now, obvious even in the dim lights. “Yeah,” I agreed, looking down the hall. A couple lights had completely gone out, but the flickering ones lit it pretty well. I saw no Tanjiro. “Is he already gone?” Mina asked, realizing what I was searching for. “It looks like it, unless he’s being a dick and hiding in the ceiling or something.” “They did say he works for the military. What if he’s a black-op or something?” “You mean a marine?” “Aren’t black-ops and marines basically the same thing?” “Huh. I don’t know.” Mina frowned and squinted down the hall. “Tanjiro?” We waited for a reply and got none. This time she cupped her hands around her mouth. “Tanjiro?!” “TANJIRO!!!” I added, a slight undertone of fear creeping into my voice and mind. If there were giant spiders in this place, who knew what else we might find? And what if was some creepy lab, and some weird abandoned creation of the scientists decided he didn’t want to be ugly and alone so he screwed up Mina and me so that we could be his freaky lovers? “Do you think he even realizes we’re gone?” I rolled my eyes. “If he doesn’t he’s even stupider than I thought.” I scanned the hall back the other way, trying to remember how far back that main room we were in was. The doors that led outside were there, but maybe there was another one closer to where we currently were. Mina cocked her head. “What’re your thoughts?” “Let’s keep going,” I said, my mind slowly deciding that that was the best option. “There’s gotta be another door out of here nearby.” “Yeah, like a fire-escape door or something.” So, both of us a bit scared and reluctant, we continued onward, without a guide or any idea what other oddly large terrifying insects we might find.

“Come on, dammit! Can’t you just work for one day?” Matsuri hit the side of the television, in some attempt to fix the reception. “Why don’t they have a button on the remote that hits the TV for you? I’m sick of getting up all the time to hit the TV just to get a fuzzy picture of Azusena… Why did they have to get rid of all the porn?!?” He began sobbing. I looked up from my book. “Matsuri, can you just shut up for once? I realize you’re having the biggest mental breakdown of your short life, but I’m trying to read right now, and quite honestly, if you don’t quiet down, I will shoot you, because I am just not in the mood.” “That’s an empty threat, because everyone knows you don’t use a gun. You use katanas!” I glared at him. “Are you really gonna push that?” Matsuri seemed to realize that I may not shoot him, but I could still do some heavy damage with a sword. He slumped against the couch. For a moment, he was silent. “So. Those girls Tanjiro had here earlier…” I set my book down. “What about them?” He sat up a little. “Oh, nothing. I just thought they were, you know. Kinda cute.” I sighed. “Matsuri. You find a man dressed up as a woman attractive. I don’t think your opinion really qualifies as judgment. Have you even seen a real girl in your life?” “Yeah.” He sniffed a little. “I dreamed of one once.” “Yeah…” I laughed hard. “I don’t even wanna know what she looked like.” I picked up my book and began to read again. A moment passed. “Where do you think they came from?” “Matsuri.” I peered over my book at him. “I don’t know. I don’t care. Just shut up and watch your TV.” “But it’s always the same damn soap opera with Azusena as a chick. This is, like, the eleventh time I’ve seen this episode.” Suddenly the echo of boots on the floor approached. We both looked up to see Tanjiro walking towards us. We both thought it, but Matsuri asked it. “Where are the girls?” Tanjiro replied, “Good question. Um…. I kinda sorta lost them in the back hall.” “The back halls? How did you manage that?” I asked. “He was probably complaining about his life again.” Matsuri rolled his eyes. “He’s always doing that. We’ve all got our own lives to deal with. We don’t need to hear about yours.” “…That’s beside the point. The fact is, I lost them. And they could be just about anywhere. And… we lost our bargaining chip.” Offended, I clarified, “Bargaining chip? You didn’t think we were just gonna give them to Azusena, did you?” “Uh…yeah? What else are we gonna do with ’em? Keep them around so we can f**k ’em every now and then?” “…Hey…” Matsuri started. I slapped my book onto the table and lean forward in my chair. “You realize they are human beings, right? Not just some property, or bargaining chip, that you can use to get whatever you want.” Tanjiro just laughed. “Whatever I want?” He chuckled darkly and took two steps closer to me. “Whatever I want? It’s not for me. It’s for the good of the entire f*ing world. It’s the only shot we ever had—are ever gonna have—to get to Azusena. Because do you really think our resistance group will ever get anywhere? For God’s sake, Koji. We’re three people.” “But there’s others out there like us,” Matsuri put in. “Uh, yeah. Like who?” Tanjiro asked sarcastically. “You know, the other resistance groups.” “We’re not part of them.” I stood up. “None of this matters. We need to find those girls, before someone else—anyone else—finds them first.”