It's never easy, starting to write, or continuing to write and it takes a huge amount of courage to post something you've written and that you care about for others to read and comment on. So, congratulations for overcoming those obstacles. Now, your story. Just a few things, proof reading helps immensely. It takes care of all those pesky misspellings, incorrect word choices, and wrong usage issues. Also, consider working on your tense agreement. This can be very jarring, to have clashing, disagreeing tenses flopping around. Capitalization. The rules are pretty simple. things like the proper name of a sport's team are proper nouns and the first letter needs to be capitalized. Dialogue. Separate it out. Each new statement made by a character is it's own, unique paragraph, not buried haphazardly in a mess of description. For example… "It's hot today," Bob said. Amy tilted her head back and stared up at the sky. She shielded her eyes with her hand and squinted into the middle distance, staring at the hazy smudge of smoke and ash in the distance. "Not that bad," Amy said, "'least not yet." Bob grunted. He shouldered his pack and turned down the road. "We gotta get moving," he said. "We need water," Amy said. "No time, 'sides, everything 'round 'ere is already poisoned." See how that works? It keeps thing's cleaner and easier for the reader to follow. Also, keep in mind that the more believable the dialogue is, the more natural it sounds, the more likely your readers will engage in the story. Odd turns of phrase, overly mysterious language and behavior, these things make us suspicious in the real world. They would also likely make your characters suspicious. FInally, try to avoid cliches. Push the boundary, make things interesting and different. Dark mysterious vampire meets young beautiful girl blah blah blah is pretty much done to death at this point. If you're going to do it, do it with a twist. Making your characters perfect doesn't make them interesting or desirable, it makes them flat and boring. A neutral witch who has control over ALL powers is a Mary Sue. The reader knows nothing will happen to her, that particular character has become the author's insert. If the reader doesn't fear that something is going to happen to the characters the story won't pull readers in, it will leave them hanging and thrashing around. Characters that are the most perfect, the most beautiful, the most talented blah blah are boring and flat. People in real life are flawed, characters should also be be flawed. You need a character who is the most talented or knows the most about something? FIne, make them old, make them lonely, make them dedicated to nothing but their craft, their life spent in study. A teen who is just naturally the best most talented ever is boring and a joke. Tropes are tropes for a reason, try to avoid them. FInally, try to do some more research into things you don't know much about. Again, small details make your work more believable or not. For instance, wooden bullets won't work. The velocities and stresses subjected to an object being chemically accelerated would destroy the wooden bullet. In addition, the heat generated by the powder charge would set fire to the bullet. FInally, wooden bullets won't fire through the sides of cars. On another note, Swiss Army knives are not good weapons. Blade length is small, metal is weak. If you want to use knives, again, do some research and include various styles of actual fighting knives.

I loved it except you rushed things too much. Draw it out a little more. Also can't wait for more!!!!