The six o’clock train shakes me awake. The horn blares, causing the windows to rattle. It’s loud and annoying, but after living next to it for the past four years, I have gotten used to it. I slowly crawl down the metal latter, escaping from my cozy bed. Liz remains under the covers, next to where I was lying, while the twins are sound asleep on the bottom bunk. Every day I get up with the train, before the sun, and my siblings stay tucked in bed, not hearing a thing. How beautiful they are, so innocent and peaceful. They don’t understand what is wrong with this world, if only they could remain that way.

I shuffle down the short, dark hallway, which consists of two bedrooms and a bathroom. I make my way to the kitchen, the tile floor freezing my toes but I enjoy its coldness. First, I pull out a good size pan, trying not to make a lot of noise, even though it really doesn’t matter because my family sleeps through everything. Then I pull out the pancake mix, I am not much of a cook so of course the mix is premade, just add water. I begin mixing everything up in a small bowl. Cooking is not my thing, but I love the smiles on my kids’ sleepy faces when they wake up to a homemade meal. I pour the mix onto the already hot pan, I make nine good size pancakes. Just as the first few are finishing, Josh comes flying down the hall. He quick grabs a fork and plunks himself down at the head of the table. He’s ready. I set three pancakes in front of him, he begins stuffing them rapidly into his mouth as soon as my hand leaves the plate. Then Sami comes skipping towards the table, followed by Liz who looks more asleep than awake. They take their seats and begin eating, while I pull myself onto the counter top and sit there to just watch them.

The fact that they don’t say thank you doesn’t bother me, because I know they are grateful. They eat in silence, none of us mind it, it’s peaceful. As they finish, we all share smiles. All at once they rise and place their dishes in the sink, and then hurry off to begin getting ready for school. I stay where I am and just take a second to relax. A grin appears across my face, oh how I’ll miss this.
I finish tying a bright blue bow in Sami’s hair, right before we leave the house. I grab her hand as we walk down the sidewalk, squeezing it every so often. She begins swinging our hands rapidly and giggling the whole time. Then Josh grabs ahold of Sami’s other hand and Liz clamps on to mine. We stretch ourselves our across the sidewalk and gladly venture towards the bus stop.
We beat the bus to its destination just barely, I only have time to hug and kiss each one on their forehead. They pile on in age order, Sami climbing up the stair last. I wave goodbye to the bus as it pulls away, off to another stop.
***
The three kids board that bus every week day morning at 7:17 am. And each morning their older sister walks them to the bus stop. I have watched them go through this everyday process for almost two years now. They haven’t noticed me though, because I am just another taxi cab driver to them… just sitting in my car. I look the same every day, my worn out old baseball cap and my plaid flannel on and my scruffy hair forming a beard, yet I have not drawn their attention. Good. I love observing them, what a cutie the little girl is. Always cheerful, skipping around like there isn’t a care in the world. Oh and the boy, who must be the youngest girl’s twin based on how similar they look, he is a strong young man. I can tell he is ready to protect his dear family, but he is growing up too fast and not enjoying his childhood. And then there is the beautiful older girl, always has a stern face on. She has already grown up, and at such a young age. She doesn’t have control over her siblings, you can tell, but she is going to get it soon and she doesn’t want it. She must barely be a teen, yet she is about to be a mother to her young siblings. But then there is Randi, their older sister, how caring she is. She must be in charge of those three, looking out for them, taking care of them, and just plain mothering them. I am not sure where their mother is, or what happened to her, but obviously she isn’t around. But Randi has picked up the responsibility just fine, those three kiddos look great.
***
The walk back to the apartment is always nice. Most would say it’s a lonely journey, but I don’t think so. We all need some peace and quiet in our lives, and this time alone is the perfect chance. I am able to just think, usually think about my future. That’s all I have been pondering on lately, because the day I leave is coming faster and faster.
I walk in the front door, right into the kitchen, I find my mother passed out on the floor. This is the third time this week I have found her here, barely able to make it in the door after partying all night. Disgusting. At least she made it home after the kids were on their way to school, I hate them seeing her like this. I hate seeing her like this. Usually I pity her, but today I look down at her and there is no sadness in my heart, only anger. I step over her and head to my (our) bedroom. I hate her. She is not a mother at all. She is irresponsible and doesn’t have a caring bone in her body. For the past three years I have supported her! I have been a mother to her, cleaning her up at three in the morning when she comes home intoxicated and beat up. Always making quiet movements, not wanting the kids to wake up to such a sight. Today, I am done with it. I am done caring about her reputation and health. I told Liz I was leaving in a few months, but I don’t care, I am leaving today.

My body shakes as I pull out all my clothing. It is not much but I put them all into a pile, and wrap a blanket around them. I can feel my face burning up, I am not sure if it is from anger or sadness or both. Then tears begin to stream down my face, I can’t stop them from flowing out of my eyes. My vision is blurring and I have to just stand and wait, trying to calm myself. What am I doing? I yank the hair tie from my hair, my shoulder length, golden curls fall into my face. I tie the hair tie around the blanket, keeping my clothes from falling out. I pick up the tiny bundle and walk to the kitchen. My mother is still lying on the floor, she is semi-conscious now so she lets out a few moans. My rage builds up again, and I make my way to the cabinet. I only grab a few cans of soup and an apple, stuffing it all into my bundle. Before I leave I find a pen and paper and write the kids a note:
Hi guys,
So my leaving day came sooner than I thought. I am sorry. I didn’t ever want to leave you, especially with her. But I know you guys will be okay, Liz will take care of you. Liz, I know you can do it, I believe in you. Look after the twins, it is a lot but you will do great. Don’t let mother get on your nerves, and try to shield the twins from her. I love you all so very much, I don’t want to leave you behind. I will be back, one day, I promise. I will come get you all and we can buy a new home and start over. I am sorry you had to deal with this, you don’t deserve it. Just think about the future, you are my kids and I will come back, I love you.
Randi.
I tape the note to one of the cabinet doors. They will be sure to see it when they come home, it is in plain sight. My eyes begin to tear up again, but this time I don’t let the tears fall. I jam the heels of my palms into my eyes. I can’t cry, or I’ll never leave. I need to leave, so then I can start them a new life. This is for them! And me too. I think of ever selfish thought possible, and I pick up my bag and step over my mom. I walk out the door and don’t look back.

Mother will probably wake up very confused and sore, she will manage to get up but will only be able to walk to the couch. There she will just lie around. Then the kids will come home, she won’t even notice them. They will probably find my note, first thing when they go for their afternoon snack. Sami will cry, Josh will be too confused to cry, and Liz will run to our room to contain herself and then comfort the twins. Oh! Just thinking of this breaks my heart, I want to go home. But I can’t. I decided to stop and get something to eat, take my mind off of my sorrow.
***

I am sitting in the back booth of McDonalds, trying to enjoy my breakfast; made of a cooling coffee and a semi cooked egg McMuffin. I enjoy people watching, trying to come up each person’s story as I watch them come and go. I was watching this middle age couple, when in walked Randi. What was she doing here?? And why now? I am here every day, and she and I have never made an encounter here. She is supposed to be at her home, cleaning or whatever, just not here.

Randi takes a seat in the two chair table, to my left. I rotate in the booth so I can get a better view. She looks miserable, her cheeks sagging, eyes dull. It looks like she had been crying a lot and had not gotten much sleep in a while. If she is sick, why is she out of the house? Maybe I should approach her, I could just sit down in the extra chair. UGH. I can’t do that, I’ll scare her off. There has to be a way where I can talk to her and she can’t run away. A way that she would have to stay and talk to me and get to know me. There has to be a way.
***

I was sitting in the McDonalds booth, drinking my coffee and trying to relax, when I noticed this man watching me from underneath his baseball cap. It felt like I had seen him before, but I didn’t know where. I didn’t make it obvious that I noticed him observing me, and he kept his eyes on me for at least seven minutes. I should feel really creeped out, but for some reason I only felt a little bit uncomfortable. After a while I ignore his eyes and begin to enjoy my hotcakes. I had finish the first two when I feel the table shake, I look up to see an old, torn Miami baseball hat with two dark eyes peering from underneath.

I don’t know if it was fear that shot through my body, or anxiety. I don’t think I was scared, because I was curious. I wanted to know what this man wanted with me. Why did I attract his attention, so much that he approached me? Should I be scared? I was, but my curiosity hide the fear from me.

The man wasn’t necessarily overweight, but I would not call him skinny. He had enough body fat to be terrifying. He was probably in his early thirties, but the scuffed beard and puffy bags under his eyes made him look years older. Peeking out from his light windbreaker was a well washed flannel, red and gray. As I took the time to observe him, and see if he was... umm… safe, his eyes never left me. I caught his glances a few times, and he wasn’t glaring at me but looking at me with compassion. I felt like he knows me, my struggles, and was here to help. Why would I trust a man I don’t know? Maybe I do know him.
***

I finally sit down across from her and I can’t even speak. My throat is dry, and I can feel tears building up. I am going to be a mess in a matter of seconds. She can’t see me like this, I need to think fast. I abruptly stand up, almost knocking my chair over. Then I grab her hand and pull her to the door. She doesn’t say a word, but it’s only because she is in shock, her eyes are so wide and terrified. We reach the parking lot and I head for my taxi. I open the back door and tell her to get in. Surprisingly she listens, but I think it is only because she is afraid of the consequences. I slam the door shut and climb into the driver’s seat, before I know it I have the car started and I am backing out of the parking spot. Where should I go? I don’t even know. I guess I’ll head towards my house. Randi is silent, of course she would be. She must be terrified. I can’t get myself to say anything either, and every time I glance in my review mirror I see her calmly looking out her window. But I also see a tear forming in her eye.

As I pull into the parking lot of my apartment building, it hits me. I just kidnapped this girl! Young Randi is trapped with this insane man. How could I do this? I begin to panic, I’ll hid her!
“Randi, go inside. I’ll follow behind.” I command her.
Her eyes widen when I spoke her name. I am no longer a crazy man, but a complete stalker. She must think she is going to her death, yet she still obeys. Slowly she walks towards the door, and opens it to slide inside. I have a teenage girl in my house, what am I doing?

The apartment is small; one bedroom with a bathroom, and a kitchen. There was a gray couch next to the dining table, it had a torn top cushion and looked to have dirt ingrained into the butt cushions. Everything looks clean though, there isn’t layers of dust on the counters, or dishes everywhere. The furniture itself looks old and worn (pieces of duct tape are holding the dining chairs legs on) but obviously this man takes care of this house. I make my way into the bedroom, there isn’t a dresser but all of his close are folded and in a neat pile. And the ratted blankets are pulled up and ironed out on his twin bed. Who is this man? Out of the corner of my eye I see a smooth sanded rocking chair. It is in perfect condition, but it is definitely years old. I don’t know why but I am drawn to that chair, I have seen it before. The wood is soft underneath my fingertips, it’s a light sandy color. The carvings on the backrest are done by a perfect hand, and the pink blanket sitting on the seat was beautiful. Taking a closer look at the blanket, I can tell it’s a baby blanket. I can’t help it, I rub it against my cheeks, it is so warm, so fuzzy. There is a name sewed into one corner; M I R A N D A. My baby blanket! My throat goes dry, there is no saliva in my mouth anymore. I fall into a heap on the ground, I can’t cry even though that is all that I want to do. My head begins to spin and I shove it into my lap. I bit my lip to keep in the scream, and then my father walks in.

***
I know she heard my footsteps when I walked in, even though she didn’t move a muscle. Randi lays there in a crouched position, and I see her blanket peaking out from under her arms. She knows. Oh gosh! She knows and I didn’t even tell her! I want to wrap my arms around her, to show her that I do love her and never meant to hurt her. Before I can decide on what to do she rises, her face is sagged and I see fire behind her eyes. Her voice is hoarse, as she chokes out the words;
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
My body goes numb, “I don’t know.”
It is rage, and pain that boils up within her, “You don’t know?! How can you say that! You left me. You left me with that screwed up woman, and yet you didn’t think I had the right to know? To know that you are alive and here? I would have gladly came with you, if only I would have know.”
I clumsily throw myself onto the bed, patting the spot beside me for Randi to sit there. She doesn’t move. “I never imagined kidnapping my own daughter but I just knew your mother wouldn’t let me take you away.”
“I don’t care what mom says, she can’t even count as a parent. Then again neither can you. I have two sisters and a brother at home, I needed to support them! And that is what I was out doing. “
Her words burrowed into my skin and deep into my heart. All the hurt I had caused her, she has the life she has because of me.
“I… I am sorry Randi. I wanted to be in your life, I just didn’t know how to be a father, especially at 16.” Right as the words come out my eyes lock with hers, and she doesn’t even need to say what she is thinking. She has been a parent to herself and siblings for her whole life. “I know, I don’t have any excuse for leaving. I should have stayed and supported you. I--” I look up and there are small tears running down her pink cheeks, she looks like the baby girl I held so many years ago. I push myself off the bed and cautiously walk towards her, gently I cup her face.
“Don’t touch me!” She screams as she slaps my hands away. “Just because you realized you were wrong doesn’t mean I have to forgive you. And just because you’re biologically my dad, doesn’t mean you can come back and take me under your control. Remember YOU LEFT ME!”
I step back, disturbed by her cruel reminder. I shake my head, trying to ride the sting of my heart and hands. Speak to her! Fix things! But she is right, she is completely right, I have no entitlement to take her back. She must see the battle going on inside me, because she adds on a small remark.
“But, I need a place to stay while I find a job and get money for my kids. I guess I could stay here until I find something promising.” And with that she leaves the room.