F and V strode out of my room and, looking behind to make sure that I was following, headed up the stairs at the end of the whitewashed hallway to the second floor. Up here, the walls were painted a soothing red and herbal scents filled the space. Compared to downstairs, this was like an ultra expensive spa.
“Patient 32, we know how enticing a blank wall is, but we have things to do and places to go so if you don’t mind…” V trailed off as I broke out of my little dream.

I started walking again and finally, at the end of the hall V stopped and opened the door with a little key card. The room was cozy…well compared to my other room. The walls were a soft hue of orange and lights were mounted on the wall. The king sized bed sat in the middle of the wall facing a bay window.
“Now that you are settled, we are going to be leaving. If you have any questions or need our assistance there is an intercom on the left side of the door. Have a good day.”

V and F walked out the door, shutting it softly behind them. When the lock on the door clicked, I walked over to one of the light fixtures and started to examine it. They resembled something you would see in a quaint little house, spilling out warm light. Just as I was about to turn away, I saw a little red light flashing. Craning my neck so that I could see, I reached behind the light and felt a cool object poke my hand. Walking to the other side of the lamp, I found the red light…coming from a security camera. Apparently they felt the need to spy on me as well as keep me locked up with minimal contact with any other human being.

Suddenly feeling very tired, I went and lay down on the bed. Almost immediately, the lights dimmed and I felt myself slipping away into the world of darkness yet again…

I was in the subway car, facing the mother and the young child. Huddled in a corner, the mother was shrieking and begging me not to kill her child. “Kill me instead…please!” She begged, repeating this over and over again. I raised my arm and saw the metal object in my hand. I pulled the trigger the first time and a bloodcurdling scream echoed around the subway car. The boy was laying in a pool of blood with his mother sobbing over him. Some dark part of my mind found this intriguing so I did it again, this time the mother falling down on to the ground. My arms and legs shook as I ran out of the subway car, running through throngs of people until I reached a lake. I had never seen this lake before, at least not that I could remember. I sat down on the edge of the lake, staring into the glassy surface, possibly searching for answers. Instead I found a face looking back at me…V’s face. “Good job. You have done all I needed you to do. Now that they are gone…we can keep you safe with us. Good job Patient 32, good job.”

I awoke with a start, expecting to find myself in my old room. It took me a good three minutes to figure out where I was and how I had gotten there. When I finally collected my bearings, the dream started to catch up with me. The images flashed through my head like they were on a never ending movie reel and the sounds played on repeat.

My legs moved on their own accord as they carried me to the bathroom and sat me down in the shower. There, I crumpled into a ball and sobbed. For what seemed like hours, I just sat there and cried. I cried for the loss of the two people I had killed. I cried for the loss of a family I couldn’t remember. I cried for everything and everyone.
After you cry you are supposed to feel better…I felt worse. I felt like I had betrayed some promise by crying. I felt weak and helpless just letting it all out like that. I stumbled over to the door and pushed the red intercom button, requesting a glass of water. A couple minutes later, there was a soft knocking on the door. My hand shook as I tried to grab the door handle, and after about five tries I finally got a good grip.

A girl about my age stood before me holding a glass of water in her hands. Her head was bent but I could see her blue eyes sparkling softly.
“Thank you.” I said quietly as I took the water from her.

She nodded her acknowledgment and closed the door behind her. I heard her light footsteps proceeding down the hallway. I walked back to my bed slowly, sipping the water and enjoying the feeling of it trickling down my throat. It was one of the few actually calm moments in the past couple of days.

Propping myself up onto the pillows, I started to talk. I didn’t have any memory of ever hearing the words before but they poured out of me like water out of a pitcher.
Hush little baby don’t you cry
Everything is going to be alright
For if your world is churning
Mine is ten times worse
You know what you did was wrong
But what I did was much, much worse
For everything you do…I do to

When I awoke the next morning, the world was bright. Light shone through the curtains and rippled along the bed sheets. My hair was probably a mess…I could feel the knots. I rose and shivered as my feet touched the cold floor. I couldn’t tell you how long I had been in here or even the day of the week. But I could tell you that I was unhappy with my circumstances.

I was stuck in a locked room with a security camera and unknown people watching my every move. I was in a mental hospital for…who knows what. Getting tired of recounting my misfortunes, I walked over to the windowsill and pulled back the curtains. The blinding light of the white landscape cascaded into the room…lighting up even the dark corners. I felt safe with all of this light, like no one could reach me. But I knew that that was not the case. A sharp knock on the door confirmed my theories and as I scuttled over to open up the door, I noticed the red bleeping light following me.

“Patient 32, good morning. We’re having some sort of…drill and we need you to follow us right away.” She looked out of breath and her face was a tomato red color.

Without waiting for an answer, she yanked my arm and had me running down the hall with her. When we reached the stairs, she pushed me down first and yelled at me to keep going until I couldn’t go anymore, then to go through the door at the end of the hallway. I tuned out after that, not really caring if I was caught in the fake drill or not. But something about this screamed real and I hurried down the stairs like she told me. At the end of what seemed like a million sets of stairs, the railing stopped and a long corridor stretched out in front of me.


Without a second thought, I raced down the hallway and yanked open the door. It was heavier than I thought it would be and took some time for me to open it. As soon as I could, I slipped inside the room and closed the door behind me. Seeing no one else in the small, cell like room, I backed up to the far wall and sat down, out of breath and tired. Suddenly, the lights turned off and the door opened then closed. The sound of heavy footsteps echoed around the small room as I scuttled back to the corner.

“Patient 32. How are you today? My name is A. You don’t know me and you never will. I am your worst nightmare and your best friend. You have two choices…one being to cooperate and the other being not to cooperate. I suggest you choose the first but…it’s your choice. You should know that if you pick the wrong one…you will be punished severely.” His tone was dark and chilling, sending shivers down my spine.
“I’ll cooperate.” My voice was squeaky and seemed to raise an octave with every word.
“Good choice. When I tell you to…you will walk to the center of the room and raise your arms out to your sides. You will feel a small shock, but nothing too harmful. I don’t want you to drop your arms until I tell you too. Understand? Now start walking.”

My feet moved slowly across the cold concrete floor. I stopped when I though that I was close to the middle of the room.
“Good, now raise your arms.”

I did what I was told and soon felt a small electric current running through my arms. Not enough to hurt me, but it felt funny. It was like one of those sensations that made you want to shiver repeatedly until it was gone.
“Now, I want you to close your eyes and think of the murder you committed. You do know that you murdered two people in cold blood. You are not to be happy anymore. We want you to think about what you did and never forget it. Understand.”

I nodded, a numb feeling spreading throughout my entire body. My eyes got heavy and my head slowly lowered until it rested against my chest. Images of the horrific crime I committed flashed through my head and the sounds of screaming were on repeat.

Inside of my head, a voice that was tiny at first but grew in sound started repeating: “You know you did it. You know you killed those two people. You know you did it.”

I knew that I had done it. I knew that I had committed the crime that I kept dreaming about. It was all my fault that those two people were dead. All my fault and I could never take it back. Warm tears started to run down my face as I thought about what I had done. They carved paths down my face, ending when they fell into my mouth, tasting like salt.

“Good job Patient 32. You can wake up now. Your punishment is over. When I tell you to walk, stand up and walk back to your room. Now, walk.” His voice was deep and commanding, like someone who was used to getting their way.

My feet moved on their own accord, carrying me up the many flights of stairs until I reached the door to my room. It swung open like it had been expecting me and closed when I was safely inside. The room hadn’t changed, yet I felt like it was more of an imprisonment than before. The walls seemed to have gotten closer and the hominess that I had been feeling before had now disappeared.

A voice came over the loudspeaker, startling me.
“All patients on this floor can now report to the main living room for social hour. You have exactly 45 minutes to socialize and then you are to report back to your rooms for your medicine that will be delivered to you.”

I walked out into the hall and followed the others to the large room through a door in the middle of the hallway. It was spacious and had a high ceiling that sported an expensive looking chandelier. People of my age gathered in the center of the room, while I stood off to the side, along with one other girl who looked familiar. As the time passed slowly, she started to scoot towards me. Finally, after about ten minutes, I walked over to her and extended my hand. She took it hesitantly and shook it, looking unsure of what to do next.
“Hi, my name is Patient 32.” I smiled warmly, hoping to ease the tension in the air.
“Hi. I’m Patient 12.” Her voice was light and melodic. It held a sort of accent that I couldn’t decipher.
“Oh. I have heard about you. Wait, weren’t you the one who delivered water to me yesterday?”
“I thought you might have heard about me. I apologize in advance for my screaming. I don’t know what triggers it but they tell me I have a very severe case of schizophrenia. And yeah, I was the one who delivered water to you.” She sounded almost disappointed that I knew who she was.
“No, it’s nothing that you can control. Don’t feel bad!”

The conversation dwindled off and I started hoping that the end of this social hour would come sooner rather than later. After what seemed like hours of standing and looking around the room awkwardly, the voice over the intercom finally signaled the end of this hour of hell.

I bolted back to my room and slammed the door shut behind me. The lamp shades shook because of the force and I giggled to myself. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain shoot through my body. I slumped to the floor and grabbed my side, anything to try to stop this intense showing of pain. A voice played in my head, reminding me that I was not to laugh and I was to reflect on my previous actions. Shaking my head, I started to laugh again and the same pain came back.

Then, my mood completely changed. I went from laughing to crying in a matter of two seconds. The sobs shook my body as I recalled my dreams and…just about everything. What scared me the most however, was not the dreams or the fact that I had no idea who I was but that man, A.

The idea of him coming back and finding me was so profoundly scary that I couldn’t fathom what would happen. As I began to drift off into a restless sleep, I remembered his last words to me… “Good job Patient 32. You can wake up now. Your punishment is over. When I tell you to walk, stand up and walk back to your room. Now, walk.”

Ivy twisted and the once pink flowers were now shriveled and black. I was standing in a castle. People walked silently around, no one uttering a word. People say silence is peaceful, but this was eerie and sent chills down my back. I didn’t recognize anyone but they were all dressed in flowing black robes. It was chilly and I pulled my sweatshirt around me. As the moon continued to rise, the air got colder and colder, until I had no choice but to join the unknown people by the giant fire that was now casting shadows onto the old stone walls.

Just as I was about to walk away, a shriveled hand grasped my shoulder and turned me around with a surprising force. Expecting to see some old man, I looked up and immediately turned away. The face of the young boy who I had killed looked at me. His face, once jubilant, was now drawn and had shadows cast across it. His mouth pulled into a sneer and he raised his hand to strike...

The pain came even though I knew the dream was real. The look on his face when he had been about to strike was haunting. Immediately, the remorse settled in. I curled back up into a ball and didn’t move until I could see light coming through the curtains again.

I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I filled the plastic cup with icy water and gulped it down. Unsatisfied, I filled it yet again and drank it in one gulp. Undressing, I hopped in the shower and let the warm water cascade down my shoulders. It trailed down my face, mixing with the tears that had leaked out of my eyes. I stood there for who knows how long, just letting the now cool water soothe me. It was as if the troubles were being washed down the drain.

A sharp knock sent me into a frenzy. Memories of A came back, and I was afraid that if I answered the door, he would be standing there waiting for me. I wrapped a bath robe around my dripping body, toweling my hair as I walked hesitantly to the door. The knocking persisted until I flung open the door. Patient 12 was standing there dressed in a sundress with flowers speckling the fabric. I looked into the bathroom which housed my clothes…beat up jeans and a sweatshirt. She followed my gaze and giggled.
“Don’t worry; no one cares what you are wearing here. We never really get to talk to other people so when the occasion arises, no one is going to look at your clothes.”
“So true. Anyways, are you here for a reason or just to talk?”
“Oh, well I came to remind you that today is group therapy day.”
“What exactly is group therapy day?” I was beyond confused.
“Oh, a man comes and gives us all therapy. Although the first couple times are rough, you get the hang of it after time.”
“Well, I better go and get ready if I actually have to go somewhere today.” I was hoping my voice displayed happiness, but I was pretty sure that it was the exact opposite.
“Ok…I gotta go to so…see you!”

The door closed and I scurried back to the bathroom, suddenly cold. I threw my clothes on and brushed through my hair. I ran the toothbrush over my teeth and flung open the door…to find V standing there. Her hand was poised and ready to knock, her mouth open in a look of surprise.
“Why hello there Patient 32. I am glad to see you so…chipper this morning. I think I know where you think you are going…group therapy isn’t for another hour and a half. I brought you breakfast, I think you are going to need that if you plan on participating in group therapy. It takes a lot out of you.”

I nodded and took the tray from her. A glass of orange juice, two toaster waffles, and some fresh looking strawberries rested in separate compartments.
“Thank you. I guess I will be heading back in then.”
“Yes, I guess you will.”

The door closed with a sharp click and I sat back down on the bed. The food was good. I hadn’t realized how hungry I had been until I actually tasted food. I finished breakfast in record time, setting the tray down and laying back on the bed.

“All patients need to report to the common rooms. I repeat, all patients must report to the common rooms immediately.”

This was the voice that jolted me out of my dreamless sleep. I stood up and walked to the door. As I opened it, I saw a throng of people walking by. I joined the back of them and followed them into the room from yesterday’s social hour. A voice rang out…clear and loud.

“Hello ladies and gentleman. Come take a seat. We will begin group therapy in a minute.”

The voice was unmistakable. He was here…A was here.

My body quivered. Sweat laced the inside of my palms as the man of my nightmares continued to talk. Not only was he standing in front of me, but it was like he was mocking me. His eyes followed my every move like a panther stalking its prey in the dead of night. A was pacing now, going on and on about how all of us had problems that needed to be resolved and the only way that would ever happen was if we all talked about how we were feeling.

An elbow in the side startled me, forcing me to open my eyes. In my time of desperation, I had closed my eyes for fear of actually having to look at A.
“Patient 32, I believe it is your turn to tell us about your feelings.” A smirked as he looked at me, his eyes full of a sadistic pleasure.
“Oh, yeah. Um, well I guess that I am feeling very confused at the moment. I am also sad and depressed and kind of angry.”
“And can you enlighten us on why you are feeling this way?”
“No, I don’t think that I can at this moment.” I returned his smirk.

A’s eyes widened and his smirk turned into a look of sheer disbelief. His grey eyes shone with anger and I could almost see his body shaking.
“Well then. I guess that we will just be moving on to the next person. Patient 57, would you like to go next?”

This process continued for another hour until finally, everyone had gone. A stood up from the stool that he had perched on and started to talk.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, now that we are done with this installment of group therapy, I want you to go back to your rooms and think about all that was said today. It is never good to keep your feelings locked up, no matter how embarrassed you are by them. All of you will be kept in solitary confinement for the next two days, doctor’s orders. They believe that you have been spending too much time with each other and need to be kept apart. You are dismissed now.”

We all stood up and started to file back to our rooms. The hallways were silent aside from the shuffling of feet. I reached my doorway and swung open the heavy oak door. As soon as it was closed, I heard the distinct sound of the lock imprisoning me for the next two days. A voice came on over the intercom.
“Patients, as A said, you will all be kept in solitary confinement for the next two weeks. Your meals will be delivered to you at the regular time. You are to reflect on your feelings and actions. We will be keeping a close eye on you so don’t try anything funny.”

The intercom fizzled out and I was left in a dreary silence to “reflect upon my feeling and actions”. After about an hour of doing absolutely nothing, I couldn’t take it any longer. I knew that I had to do something or I would go crazier than I already was.

That annoying feeling in the back of my head that something was wrong came back. I had banished it to the farthest corner of my brain for the past couple of days but I couldn’t restrain it any longer. It had something to do with what I had done.

That little thought in the back of my mind has grown to take over the rest of my brain. Every other thought was banished…only to be replaced by something much more frustrating and much more complicated. Everything that I had been told here was that I had done something wrong or that I was unstable.

But I knew that wasn’t the case. However many times they wanted to tell me that I had amnesia or that I was violent or whatever…wasn’t going to convince me that I actually had them. If I had “temporary amnesia” how could I have dreams about things that I didn’t remember and see the woman and child’s face so clearly. Thoughts swirled around my head at dizzying paces.

I couldn’t let this go….I needed to figure this out not only for my sake…but for my sanity’s sake. As I got lost deeper in these thoughts…things started to become clearer. Events came back and I slipped fully into my mind…loosing track of time and space.

Laughter echoed off the walls of the small wooden room. Presents wrapped in all colors and decorated with bows and ribbons sat in the corner underneath a tall Christmas tree. My father sat in the corner on the love seat, my mother nestled in beside him. She was holding a baby, one that I instantly recognized as my baby sister, Rose.

My brother, Jayden sat on the floor, entertaining himself with a piece of his torn up baby blanket. Embroidered by my grandmother, Jayden literally had worshipped that thing until the day he buried it in the yard and couldn’t ever seem to find it again.

My eyes focused again and I snapped back to reality…my overly homey room and my bed that suddenly didn’t seem so soft. A longing so strong it was almost painful filled my chest. I wanted to go back to my family and my real house…not be trapped in this room for the next two days because I had killed two people.

However much I wanted these two things I knew that I couldn’t get them unless I actually figure out what was going on here. I knew that I had woken up here and they wouldn’t tell me who I was or where I was from. Other than that…I knew nothing. The other patients seemed quite content to believe whatever they were told. None of them seemed to have any doubt in their minds that this was their new reality.