When you found me I was eager, I had been in the dark for so long. Nobody had dared to knock on my door and let the rays of light in, to encourage me to pull back the shades and transform the cold darkness into warm, shimmering light. In a way you were my ray of light, you were the light we always left on in the kitchen when I was out late, the flashlight we used to navigate the woods at 2 am. We started talking and flowers started to grow in the darkest cracks in my soul, where the weeds had taken over and killed everything else, but you, you saved me. Because of you I stopped doing drugs, I had to need for them anymore. You changed my perspective on life, I learned to cherish and love it. All this when we first started talking.

We were with each other constantly. We’d make time for each other and ended up locking out the rest of the world because we knew it would ruin us. We showed off each other to every person we saw on the street, we’d spend countless hours with each other, even if it was just in silence, it was bliss to me. In my mind I wanted to be with you forever, you were all I could ever think about, all I ever wanted to think about. Those few months were amazing, probably one of the best points of my life. I was a cynical hopeless romantic and you, I can’t put into words what you were. You were the sun, the moon, the rain, the stars, you were an infinite being I couldn’t drop from my mind. You were my world when I shut the world out. You saved me from my solitude, you taught me that not everyone in the world is out there to hurt you and that we need to live our lives in the moment because who knows when that moment would be gone. There was a point in our relationship where I thought it might be, when I got that phone call in the middle of the night, I couldn’t go back to sleep knowing you weren’t safe. I was terrified, that was the first time I found out the world can hurt us, but we survived. I learned to cherish you even more. I began to think I was infinite, we were infinite, but nothing is infinite. I told you I wanted to be with you forever, but I should’ve asked you if we could be nothing, because that truly does last forever.

We broke up because I am a moron. I let my personal insecurities get in the way of us. I could never quite grasp why you wanted to be with me, so I was just counting down the days for you to leave me. I knew you had to, you’d find someone better. I had hit zero in self-confidence. We got into an argument because I was afraid of losing you, yet all I could do was push you away. I don’t know why, I just did. I was being idiotic. In that moment I thought it was for the best, I figured it wouldn’t work out so we shouldn’t invest to much just to be even more hurt when it ended. Well, I was wrong, because I already invested more than my accountant told me I should. When we did end it, I was completely destroyed, at first angry, then I realized what had happened. Once I finally came back to reality I realized I had thrown away the best thing in my life. I had, it was my fault.

Weeks had passed and I’d still have passing thoughts of you. My room and sheets still smelled like you, every time I had something remind me of you, my stomach would go in knots and my heart would ache. My ray of light was gone. I closed the blinds, and returned to my life of solitude. I had no reason ot want to see the light in anything anymore. Everything was bleak. Not even black, just a dull shade of grey. I returned to music as it was my only comfort, I found comfort in the notes that I would sing or play, the songs I sang, especially the ones of being lonesome. That bliss is still with me, but at the same time I wanted no disruptions from my agony, I knew it was my fault and so I was going to make sure I understood that nobody was to blame except for myself. I had to block and unfollow you on everything because every time I saw you say something, or I saw your face I’d get a lump in my throat. I had no idea I would miss you this much. Time healed all wounds as usual and things moved on, I’ve been with other girls and your perfume on my bed had been replaced with the smell of laundry detergent and the rare smell of another girl or sweat, but mainly laundry detergent.

If you happen to read this, and you think it’s about you, it probably is. Maybe not personally, but if it speaks to you, heed my advice, love and cherish the person you have. You never know when they’re going to be gone.