Dear Mr. President,

There are no words to describe how wonderful these past eight years have been. The American people have undoubtedly been graced with your presence in the White House for not only one term, but two. You have been the single most accommodating president this country has ever seen. Not only have you been keeping an eye on over-population, you are clever about the economy, you set a good example for the youth of America while making sure they are not walking the path of education alone.

One thing you have excelled at is maintaining a demographic balance in our nation. For all of the soldiers that have been sent overseas to fight in the war, there are illegal immigrants to take their places in our society. How thoughtful of you to make sure we are not lonely here while all of our family members and public servants are risking their lives overseas for us. What’s more is that instead of being worried about them, you have been so considerate letting us learn the languages of our foreigners to make them comfortable here in the U.S.A.

About our soldiers being overseas, I think it’s a really great thing that their purpose there is to keep gas prices here down. Considering how prices never quite reached five dollars per gallon, I would say that your plan has been a success. I also think you did a good job of conserving the oil in the Alaskan pipeline. Even though people sacrificed buying cars because they knew that they wouldn’t be able to afford to put gas in it, you knew that it was important to make sure to conserve the oil up north for when we actually need it. I mean, let’s be honest, here—a full tank of gas with an eighty-dollar price tag really isn’t as detrimental as people make it sound. Also when the country experienced the disaster of Hurricane Katrina, it was wonderful how well you conveyed the necessity of foreign aid that we needed, and then later acquired it. There’s no way we could have rebuilt our country without them.

Speaking of rebuilding our country, you did such a good job handling 9/11. You really set a fantastic example for our youth today. What BS we’ve been saying all these years, that “violence is not the answer.” Everybody knows that the only way to get through to somebody is with nukes. Although we have not gotten quite that far yet, I think it’s pretty clear that nukes are the next step and completely necessary to settle this conflict between nations. In addition, anybody who researches your past would see you as a hero and a huge inspiration. You've shown kids that they can still run our country even though they have abused drugs and alcohol. That’s right! Drugs and alcohol; shmugs and shmalcohol. You knew that one day people would look up to you and realize that you conquered use of abusable substances, and in such a heroic way. You made the right choice to refrain from partying, too. What a mature decision to make, to decide to focus on your studies instead of partying. The result of this decision has made all the difference in the amount of respect Americans have for you. The level of your education appalls each and every one of us Americans. You once said, “I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy—but that could change,” and you are completely right! What idiots the people of America are for thinking irreversible things cannot be reversed! Mr. Bush, clearly your level of intelligence is simply too advanced for the rest of us. All those people who put you down for your “lack of literacy” obviously have no idea what they are talking about. After all, “The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.” Another way of setting a good example for kids is how you use yourself as an inspiration to them.

“To those of you who receive honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say: you, too, can be president.” Mr. George “Dubya,” you have done it once again. You give hope to all the kids that just can’t seem to raise themselves up to the bar set by the public education system. Of course, you understand what it’s like to be one of those kids. After all, you did get into Yale with a C-average—and of course, all kids with C-averages have parents that know people in high places and get strings pulled for them. For the select few that do not, your No Child Left Behind policy in schools has been an incredible success! What an idea, Mr. President! I commend you on your clever thinking. To raise the level of education the youth of America possesses, we should keep every child on the same level of education. When posed with the problem that there are “smart kids” and “dumb kids,” why wouldn’t it make sense to simply hold the “smart kids” back until the “dumb kids” catch up? Plus, maybe in the midst of this process some of the “smart” from the “smart kids” will rub off onto the “dumb kids,” equaling things out.

Mr. President, you have made some very wise decisions regarding the future and direction of our country. You once said, "I'm the master of low expectations," but don’t be modest. You have surely, without a doubt, surpassed every expectation we, as Americans, have ever had of you. It really is such a shame that we were unable to reelect you for a third term this voting season. You have done such a great job governing this nation, and I am positively certain that without you in office, America is headed down a road of absolute and complete disaster. We sure will miss you, George.