We all have shared this feeling. The feeling where you see a new email in your inbox, and want to know whether or not it's the acceptance letter you were hoping for. Or the feeling of your teacher passing back all the major tests for the semester, waiting to see what you got. Or perhaps it's after a tournament when results are about to get announced, and your heart beats as the rankings get said after each other, or maybe it's the feeling of awaiting someone's response after you confess your love to them. All of these--the feeling of suspense, is precious. The feeling of knowing that there's a chance you could fail and underperform or do worse on a test than you thought, but also the thought that you might've taken home first or got zero incorrect answers. Suspense is scary but exciting, punishing yet rewarding, and displays the amount of effort we've put into life as teenagers.

"Wait... I Really Do Care About This"

It can be hard as teenagers to know what we really care about. Taking families and friends out of the picture, what are we really doing for ourselves? We might be taking classes to get into a good college or doing hobbies/extracurriculars to make us sound more interesting to another person. But when we step back, it can be hard to define the line between what we care about and are doing for ourselves and what we're doing for others/external rewards. Suspense shows us what we care about. While it could be the grade or the medal for college, I believe it shows that we care about our future. We want to do well because we want to provide ourselves with the most chances in the future. We want to win because we want to prove to ourselves that we're as deserving of a first-place medal as the next person. Above all else, we want to be happy, and suspense shows us how much we really care about our happiness. The potential happiness of winning, of succeeding, of thriving. Having this awakening in thought is crucial because it gives us meaning in our lives. We have something that we desire, that we would try our best for, and we're seeing that we've cared enough to do so. We've cared enough to try our best for something and the suspense shows through our lows and highs what we need to do next.

Two Paths... Which One Will It Be?

The great thing about suspense is that we know what is at stake; what we might gain, but what we might also lose out on forever. The suspense of those acceptance letters, for example, can decide where we do or don't end up in the future, whether for two months, a semester, a year, four years, or for eternity. Suspense is the last thing we know about ourselves before we get the definite answer to something. The suspense has been building for so long up to that point. We tried our best, wrote the best essays, and got the recommendations. We sacrificed time, effort, patience, hangouts, and maybe even grades for what we wanted so deeply. Once we submitted our applications for something, put in so many hours at a tryout for a team, and studied so much for a test that we thought we were destined to fail; the suspense had been building subconsciously. As if it was forever in the background, growing and growing until it was time for it to shine and take over your whole body in the moment before the grand reveal. The one way to describe our emotions before seeing any result is "suspense". The suspense of what could be of us, the suspense of wondering if our efforts are about to come to fruition, or die out. The funny thing about suspense is that it disappears so fast. As soon as we read the first few words or sentences, or see the big letters or numbers on our paper, the suspense vanishes. We don't know where it goes, and it seems like it was engulfing our whole body up to that point, turning into the air after we finally got what we were looking for. I believe there's something special about this too. The specialty of suspense is not only up to something but what it means for us in the future.

Post Suspense... What Do We Do Now?

The suspense never goes away. It's like a cold in many ways. Different events can trigger it, but it all ends up feeling the same with differing intensities based on what the cause of it was. The suspense of getting a grade, for example, is so much lower than the suspense of a college acceptance email yet the only difference is the intensity of the feeling. But this isn't a bad thing. If anything, we should chase suspense. We should chase events, decisions, and actions, that all make us harbor suspense. We should drive for it because suspense only occurs for something we care about. We're not going to have suspense at a birthday party, but we might have suspense if we know that our long-time crush will be at the party. We can run after the feeling of suspense. Sprinting towards the extreme awakened state that we seem to fall into. Where everything seems so vibrant with color and the world fades for a few seconds as we see what our suspense has led up to.