To the stereotypical 16 year old girl, the most important things in life can be summed up into three categories, Social Media, Boys and Food (subcategory would of course include the ever famous pumpkin spice latte). Being a 16 year old girl, it would seem that I needed to have all of these things in order to consider successful, just as adults wish to have heated bathroom floors so they too can claim success. I remember sitting on my couch just scrolling through my twitter feed and watching the news, when suddenly the news is talking about a girl in Florida who committed suicide. One of the youngest to have ever committed suicide proclaims the feed on the bottom of my television, but how could one even know who the youngest person to commit suicide it? It all seems kind of ridiculous to me. In a society where almost anything is achievable, people are going to kill themselves. It seems like an awful lot of self-loathing going on in the modern teen culture, or rather my generation. Girls are killing themselves because they feel unwanted and unappreciated, this could be caused by problems at home or at school. Being judged and perhaps bullied is something almost everyone faced in the early years of life, middle through high school so to speak. The judgment of others can lead to the judgment of ourselves. Right when your best friend comes up to you and tells you a secret, you immediately think, does this make better than them or worse than them? There is no escaping it. Instead of taking part in the self-loathing aspect of life, I decided to continue with my life with the cliché “good vibes only” motto. So per usual I continue to go to school, but instead of always talking, I decided to listen for a bit to see where my peer group landed on the self-loathing scale. It was an unsettling find. Teenagers complain mostly about how their latte was too hot or cold or how they didn’t have the worlds latest and greatest IPhone was a common subject topic. Even worse than that, people who took the story of the girl’s suicide story in Florida and then made it into something they could gain popularity points off of. No one was talking of the government shut down, or the whales that were being forced into the entertainment business. No, these people were telling me about their Starbucks woes. All of this was really too much for anyone to handle, so I went to the scared place known as the band room to the nonbelievers. The band room is similar to a judge free bubble, well almost. No one really judges their own band folk, but the outsiders always seemed to be judged. This is just simply the ways of teens. Everyone in their life will face judgment and it’s up to the person on how to deal with it. I use the “walking principle” when I go asses a situation or a person. First I should explain what I mean by the walking principle. When someone is walking slower than you, you see them as an irritating obstacle that they must overcome. If a person is walking faster than you, you see them as someone who is a nuisance to society. Lastly, if someone is walking at the same pace as you, you think “who gave this person permission to walk next to me?” So when assessing or judging someone, there is no way for that person to shine. Society doesn’t allow anyone to be seen in a positive light. It is up to the individual to make sure that they allow the light to come in to their closed minds and set them free. All people are forced to use judgment in their lives because humans are inherently evil. When you see a stranger on the street, you know better than to go up and talk to them. It’s your good judgment that also keeps you safe. If you’re not in danger and you are using judgment, what happens then? Are you keeping yourself safe from becoming unpopular or perhaps some hideous trend such as Crocs? Either way, our judgment causes us to become close minded and we began to turn hideous both on the inside and the out. Social media is what dictates our lives even if we don’t know it. Everything the “fashionable” people do in their extravagant lives, it eventually trickles down into everyone else’s lives as well. In the Devil Wears Prada, unfashionable Anne Hathaway is bemused by the fact that people stress over what they wear or how they look, but eventually, she too succumbs to the allure that is beauty. All people, both boys and girls, fall for beauty at least once in their life. Even if that beauty has an evil lurking behind it. There will always be a time for beauty, but for the average teenager, beauty is a nightmare, it’s something that keeps them up at night. Beauty is the thing that can destroy all of mankind in one fatal swoop. One the truest of character and heart and resist that temptation and journey on in the hope of finding another strong soul. As people always say, “The lion doesn’t lose sleep over what the sheep think.” This is a motto for all people to follow and should be considered one of the greatest quotes of all time in my opinion. There is really no way to win in a battle against society. You can have all of the “Friends of Rachel” clubs you want, but no one can overcome judgment. I used to contemplate this on the rocks of Yorktown beach and look over the vile water as it washed upon the algae ridden sand. Then I realized there is no way to escape the idea of judgment. It is as swift and powerful as a tsunami and just as impossible to stop.
Death Bed
Growing up, I remember there being posters all over my middle school proclaiming “Treat others how you would like to be treated.” This probably worked throughout my elementary school career, but it seemed to fail me at times during middle school, and seemed obsolete by high school. Now the ever popular term is “Treat others how they treat you.” This can either help you to reach social equality or help you on your way to becoming a “bully.” Speaking of bullies, I was terrified during the transition from middle school to high school and was deeply concerned for my safety. Little did I know that Grafton high school was a place of verbal abuse, rather than physical abuse as all the movies claimed. Treating others how they treat you seems to be rejected by adults for the reason discussed in the previous sentence, but this motto was embraced by the teen culture. I even remember being a bully through middle school, so as I entered high school, I never had to worry about people in my own class picking on me, and I made friends with the upperclassmen easily enough. Trying to shift my way from being harsh and trying to show more kindness, I took on the role of the stereotypical nice girl. I started to let people walk all over me, and it was an awful feeling. I remember being forced to work with people who partook in shenanigans when we went to the library to get work done and then being the only person left. So of course, I was forced to do all the work. This kind of behavior went on through my sophomore year of high school and them when I got to my junior year, I decided things had to change. I never worried what people thought of me, and if they were judging, I just wouldn’t care at all. This kind of behavior eventually created a figurative heart of stone, and mind that was not only closed, but locked shut. I reverted back to my harsh ways and said whatever came to mind. I never concerned myself with the feelings of others because they weren’t me, so obviously they couldn’t possibly be important. Overtime, this mind set hurt me as well. I became dissatisfied with life and regular curled up on my bed to sleep for hours instead of hanging out with my friends or to even do something that didn’t involve self-pity. I couldn’t see it, but I had brought this all upon myself and I really had no one else to blame. It took a while for me to realize that eating a whole tub of ice cream or blasting my music so loud I couldn’t hear the world, wasn’t helping anything at all. I opened my eyes and was disgusted with myself. I had hit rock bottom. I had been so concerned with people judging me, that I had shut out people. I was tired of being walked on, but I didn’t want to be cruel either. I didn’t know what to do, since I had never done it. The mystery of balance between kindness and cruelty was slowly eating me alive and I felt as if I had no power to stop it.
The Road to Recovery
I was stuck in this rut of self-loathing and at first it would seem like I would never be able to pull myself out of it. I was a zombie, only doing the bear minimum and shunning all people that tried to coax me from my cave (my bed essentially). Going to school was somewhat of a release since I was able to get out of the house but I still never felt happy. One day I reached a breaking point, and I guess I just looked so sad because then someone came up and hugged me. It still to this day remains one of the best hugs of my life. All of that anger and sadness flowed out in the form of tears and I began to appreciate the people in my life once more. All at once I realized that I had no one to blame but myself and it was up to me to make changes to my life in order to be happy. Happiness is not something you can achieve, I realized, it’s something more of a surprise party. I started making the right choices when it came to things like grades and who I surrounded myself with. Soon I looked around and I noticed how good my life was. My grades were better than I would have ever hoped for and my friends fit into my life like the phantom’s mask fit perfectly on to his face. My best friend was wonderful and hilarious, which is something I always wanted to be, and she helped me come a little closer to my personal goals. We always hang out on Mondays and get pizza at the Pizza Shop, which is really heaven on Earth. We spend our time being lazy and pretending to be narwhals as we crawl around to play with her cat. Also her family treats me as a second daughter and I’m always welcomed in her house as she is welcome in mine. We have so many good memories together such as spending a week in Disney World together, and going to the beach almost every day during the summer. Spending time with her always reminds me of these memories and it encourages me to be happier and look forward to the memories to come. Allowing myself to happy was a big step in becoming happy. I didn’t even realize it, but every time I crawled in my bed to start feeling sorry myself, I would banish all the happy thoughts from my mind. Allowing the happiness to flow forth freely instead of restricting myself to depressing thoughts. I began to look at things in a more positive light. I remember I used to get frustrated when it rained because then the humidity would cause such problems with my hair. Instead of getting mad at something I couldn’t control, such as the weather, I accepted it and went outside and sit on my driveway to enjoy the cascade of water that seemed to be setting me free. I now operate on the cliché “Good Vibes Only” policy, and I don’t let myself get wrapped up in the little details. Those seem to be what count the most in the end. Just letting things come and go just like the tide at out “beautiful” Yorktown beach (hehe), I never hold grudges, or on to the negative thoughts, but at the same time I understand that happiness is fleeting and it must be enjoyed in the very moment that it occurs. I am content with the small moments of happiness such as being able to lay on my bed and relax whilst searching the web. So now, as I log onto twitter and watch the news, I still see the judgment and the hatred, but instead, I choose to focus on the good in the rest of the people. The people who help others that have been stricken with judgment and abandoned at their time of need. Eventually I hope to become these Florence Nightingale’s of the emotions. These people are the light in my life and the pavers of a happier future.