Teenage years, supposedly a dream. Parents refer to as the good old days, the prime of their lives, though it is hard to picture them as anything but grumpy middle-aged parents. Media turns teenage life into a flashy magazine, cute boys, cute clothes, sneaking out to parties rebelliously against your parents wishes, and having the time of your life. Your Sweet Sixteen would be the one for the books, and you loved every minute. So far, this hasn’t happened. Sophomore year is pretty much over, and I have yet to go to a mind-blowing sweet sixteen, or even one that I will remember in a decade. Mine will be over the summer, July, and as of now, I just want to go to six flags with a few friends. This isn’t the life TV sold me, or music ingrained into my subconscious.

My life is stress, homework piles up onto my desk, hard to ignore, though I still manage to. Friends are over dramatic though I can’t blame them considering the amount of things on our plates, I fight off snapping at little things that seem as if they should have no effect, but once they are coupled with everything else could put anyone over the edge. We live the life of anxiety, about tests, homework, making and keeping friends. Constant pressure to look our best to avoid being striped down by peers behind our backs, called fat, ugly, retarded, s****y, bitchy, the list goes on. We can easily start self loathing by age 12, depending on our individual circumstances, but everyone does at one point or another, and most times it is a continuing struggle.

Grades don’t help. Constantly being judged by teachers takes an enormous toll, being told you're not good enough, you aren’t making the cut every time you get below a B. Tests are mostly almost solely based on memorization skills, so if your memory isn’t the best, or if you weren’t on top of your game when learning the material (may be due to a lack of sleep because of that essay you spent 6 hours writing the night before), you are almost guaranteed failure. The irony is that most kids want to learn, but learning things that we have no interest in is actually painful. I love learning about computers and graphics, the environment, animals, current events, social justice, etc. but instead we learn formulas and chemical composition. Bored to death by things that we will forget within the year. Being called lazy or stupid if we aren’t interested in the material isn’t fair, nor is it accurate.

The feeling of holding back tears in class because of a bad grade is one of the worst feelings we could face, torture, and knowing that ultimately our grades, and performance in high school will decide the outcome of our future is terrifying. Most of my friends have had a panic attack, if not many, including me, due to stress. It feels like falling, you can’t get enough air, sometimes tears come, sometimes you can’t do anything at all besides stare ahead like you aren’t even there, like you can't control yourself, almost as if you're stuck in time, things get dark, noise is distant, and reality is blurry. Panic attacks are different for everyone, but they haunt us all the same. Mine derive mostly from the future, getting into college, being financially stable, being completely responsible for yourself and what you become.

The job market is a disgrace, and being homeless, no matter how irrational my parents say the fear is, still looms in the back of my head only to resurface during a mental breakdown in which i'm convinced that I am worthless, a lost cause. Those who can go to their choice college are lucky beyond belief. Many can’t afford to attend anything too extravagant without scholarships, or we take out a loan that will haunt us for decades to come.