When your superior coaxed me into addressing you all, he was adamant that I deliver a sermon that would impassion the average American—something stirring, something simultaneously empowering, and something that can be construed as inspiration. Well, alright. As fate would have it, my brain is teeming with motivational wisdom I would be privileged to imbue in your stagnant minds. For once a being maintains a firm understanding of his or her world, he dams his neural rivers, erecting the perfect wall to be torn down.

To initiate your transition to a new understanding, I will emphasize the notion that it is of the utmost importance to always abide by the law in every situation, unless you ensure that no officer is within a perceptible distance. I do not possess the skills necessary to communicate to you the value of espousing this principle. Once, I had a colleague with an affection for fragrant herbs. This inclination stemmed from an urge to curb his mild depression. One unfortunate day, he strolled along the sidewalk past a policeman, carrying his enduring aroma. The officer caught a whiff of his cologne and did not hesitate to shackle the man. He suffered a few nights in lockup, his wife annulled their marriage, now his children refuse to see him, his pipe remains empty, and his depression grazes the clouds. So I implore you to understand that, should you ever find your temptations too alluring, accept that your new home will be forged of iron. Our nation’s lawmakers believe their judgment transcends yours, but ask yourself if it’s cheaper to gaze at your family behind polycarbonate-layered glass (if they choose to linger by the side of a criminal) or to entertain these bureaucrats’ misguided assumptions.

The second step in your transition is to acknowledge that, all aspects considered, you exceed your peers and the other common people, and are either up to par or better than everyone else. If a man flaunts his greater prospective commission at you, do not envy him or deign to play his games; merely seize the presented opportunity by its throat and prevent his sale. Should you later be apprised that his family was evicted from its residence, consider his inferiority illuminated by his inability to close the deal, and confess to yourself alone of your faux pas—as any decent and successful agent should.

Take a moment to adjust your ears to maximum comprehensibility, and I shall relay one of the most insightful remarks I was fortunate enough to overhear from a wealthy, stilted man: “Rise with the housewives of Beverly Hills and lay down with the Kardashians.” Certain executives advocate that it’s more advantageous to keep up with the minions in Hell’s Kitchen or the winner of the last Head of Household competition in the Big Brother house. In all sincerity, however, what truly matters is to ensure that your DVR is set to record American Idol. People are more inclined to fancy you if you know that Nick Fradiani from Guilford, Connecticut won the 14th season. Now, if you’re wholeheartedly intent on blending in with your coworkers and neglecting to see what happens behind your TV screen, there is a wonderful place you can travel that will help you feign interest and deny individuality. This unrealistic land was given the codename https://www.realitytvworld.com. Study diligently and you might even impress your friends with the behind-the-scenes knowledge that John Mayer’s ex-manager has allegedly enticed American Idol’s season 11 victor, Phillip Phillips, to sign with another company. In such a world, information like this is inordinately profound.
The third step that we shall examine is the art of assimilation. Assimilation is a delicate process which requires great tact, precision, and grace. Humans are reputed to ostracize beings they deem “different.” For this reason, never sport clothes from Dolce&Banana, never grace your teeth with Crust toothpaste, never chow down at King Burger, never play Mighty Mariano Bros. on your X-boy, and goddammit don’t you ever pour yourself a bowl of Bunch O’ Cinnamon Squares. If you desire not to be alienated from all of society, you will give in to the magically delicious taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Of course, some nitwit politicians affirm that name brands don’t make a name, but I’d argue, what’s in a name? People who are unable to understand the power in a name typically don’t find themselves sitting at the popular table. If you crave to emulate these people that matter, it is essential that you learn to understand items of this nature in such a way that the Big Man taught all of them to understand. If the CIA taught them to use reality television as a shield from dangerous information and intelligence, then that is what you will understand. If the executives of global corporations advised them to upgrade their iPhones, lest they be exposed to lagging internet browsers and incompatible software updates, then you will ignore planned obsolescence and understand as they do. And if the NSA assured them that all their texts, Tinder matches, Yeti posts, and Snapnudes are theirs and theirs alone, then you too will be assured.

Recall from your history lessons in grade school the Presidential Election of 1912. Former president Theodore Roosevelt failed to adopt the policies of the Republican Party and therefore deemed it appropriate to establish a new party for the race. In doing so, Roosevelt forged a schism in the Republican voter base that allowed Democrat Woodrow Wilson to garner a vast majority and seize a spot on the Ivory Throne. Will the Republicans ever achieve retribution for so heinous an act? I fear not. The effects of such dissonance left an indelible mark in our nation’s textbooks, much like the enduring stain of ignominy that plagues Roosevelt’s legacy. What I will say, however, is that one can admire the audacity and righteousness with which he dissented. Now, it’s a fact that not all of you harbor the strength and resilience to refrain from following suit, so I urge you dissidents—if left with no option than to oppose, protest, and share your opinions—to do so with unrelenting vigor, passion, resolution, and conviction. Master your cause, investigate your options, propose a solution, disseminate your message, cease and desist for nothing, and lay your eyes upon your creation. To act otherwise in such a scenario would produce results identical to accepting the status quo, in which instance the only sensible decision would have been not to deviate at all. Learn from Roosevelt’s mistake and instill in your children the desire to harmonize with their peers and social standards at a young age. If my parents had been wise enough to do so, I could have conformed and prevented myself from taking the road less traveled. I, of all people, understand the obstacles, the hazards, the pain, and the frustration that grows like weeds along these underdeveloped, underused trails. Oh! If only there were some way I could escape and return to civilization where each street is indistinguishable from the last!

I will end here before I drown you all in my misery. Take these lessons to heart and the imminent heartache will be mine alone. Follow the guided path and wander not into the forest lest you be forever branded a trailblazer. Allow others to pave the roads before you traverse them, so that pebbles do not tarnish your designer boots. Refrain from voicing your opinions, so as not to develop adversaries. Abide by these laws of nature and one day, day after day, you will understand that I provided you a limo ride down the smoothest, easiest, most comfortable boulevard that stretches into the most ordinary sunset that sheds its rays on the most ordinary of people.