it started with a “hey” through a blue computer screen
when i was just a 13 year old teen
i felt so seen
you made me feel so care-free
i just wish that i had been
more careful.

i listened to whispers of the night,
guided only by a blue screen—modern day candlelight.

i used to dream of waking up together
becoming friends with your sister
coming up with scenarios each night in bed,
imagining what you would have said
but i forget
that i was creating a whole person
as a diversion
from the fact that you could never be this perfect version
of yourself.

you fueled these fantasies at 2:30 in the morning
painting a future so bright I started yearning
for it.
i would get so excited that i became one big walking heartbeat,
blushing furiously at the feeling of “complete”
that you gave me,
and hiding this glow from my mother-in-law to be because you didn’t want her see
what you did to me.

at least in the beginning you had excuses.
"I have work. You can meet my family later, it’ll be fine.”
just excuses to stay online.
led me on for years,
but i told myself it was fine.

now i can’t go back.
sobbing into a world that won’t hold any of my tears.
when it blames me for loving an old man.
damn.
i wish i knew it was abuse,
that i was just a toy for you to use,
a mute doll that no one listens to.

frustrated, i cry myself to sleep,
it’s a feat, really,
to mimic smiles so perfectly,
erase dry tear streaks in the morning
with expertly placed mascara,
that should have been a huge warning sign.

now i’m left crying on the floor of my bedroom
so exhausted that i wake up mid-afternoon.

it’s funny how the years have passed like that,
so fast
straight hair shrunk to curls
baby hairs on my legs started to unfurl
hips swelled past the seams of my favorite jeans
and every time i speak i think “is that me?”
and yet
as grown as i know i should be
i stand here and still feel like a wide-eyed child
the thought of you erases even the memories from when i used to smile,
because all that’s left of me
is a girl in front of a blue screen.