I perch in the office, my seat cold as steel,
The pain on her face makes it all real.
How did I let myself end up this way?
The doctor comes in. What will he say?
Why am I more scared of disappointing him?
Lost in this labyrinth as life grows dim.
That one fall day, at home after school
Feeling despondent, I found the right tool
To release all my heart, my mind, and my life
My right hand trembled as I picked up the knife
Slowly, with precision, I carved out my tale
Heart pounding as loudly as a sky dropping hail
Just one line, one scratch, one drop of blood
Followed by more, a literal flood
Of tears and of strife
Crying out for my life
I wished myself dead, for after all
Isn’t life without me better for all?
A daily hopelessness, no end in sight
Seemed to be my future; there was no light
At the end of the tunnel, stopping up short
The life I’d been given was mine to abort.
There was no better way out, it seemed
To take all those pills was my only dream.
My thoughts weaved here and there
Never escaping the pain I knew was unfair
How could I…?
Tonight, I’ll try…
To throw away the blade
But the urge to go back will never fade…
I had it all under control, had it all figured out
It was all just a phase, just a spell, just a bout
Of chronic stupidity, or so it was said
By all of my friends. I lay sobbing in bed
As in a line, one by one
My friendships unraveled, almost becoming undone
What do I do? Where do I go?
To escape this hell now is too far a throw
I’m stuck in this rut, this daily routine
Of school, slice my skin and continue to careen
Out of control, more-so every hour
The idea of living life left a taste all too sour
“Please help me. I’m begging you.”
I cried out one night. “Is it so hard to do?
Tell me I matter, that I’m not just a waste.”
Up and down, side and side, all night I paced.
The tears kept on falling, mixed in with the blood
I thought my pain would end with the release of this flood.
“Dear darling girl, don’t be afraid.”
“But when my life is looked at, do I even deserve a grade?”
“Of course you will. Live your life for now.
To have my friend leave me is something I won’t allow.”
“Thank you, really, I love you too.
But living this life…If not for me, than who?”
Life was as distant as the night-time star,
Spending its life drifting afar,
Or the high-held dreams of the traveling gypsy.
Happiness was a fantasy, the edges were wispy.
My mind wouldn’t work. The thing I once held with pride
For being so rational, now only cried.
For weeks, then months, seemingly years
My skin grew ragged, giving in to my fears.
Screaming and sobbing, wanting for strength
Yet all the world heard was silence, for I went to every length
To protect my life, as I saw fit
The “End Of Life” power button was only mine to hit
The crazy thing was, during this time
I achieved a lot. Up the ladder I climbed.
For to help my friend, the one whom I loved
Not give up on life, I would have shoved
Everyone else away from my path
Anyone who hurt him would feel my wrath.
I cried for him and with him, for the way that he was
Twisted his mind, as only unrequited love does
He knew how I suffered, and we helped each other
But the best I could hope for was him as my “brother”
For 92 glorious, painful, wonderful, horrible days
I lived out my life, in some sort of haze
Oddly enough, there’s little I remember
It began late September, ended in December
The bond of friendship beyond all bounds
Seemed something of a miracle I had been lucky to have found
I abandoned all others, he became my sole focus
Letting him be miserable was something quite atrocious
And then I woke up from this blinding day dream
Seeing the scars upon my legs was incredibly extreme
The one that I loved, whom I loved no longer,
Had a friend that I met, who helped me become stronger.
Two very different people, or so at first I thought
The happiness he gave me was something for which I fought
The beginning of February saw the last of my pain
Or at least the kind that caused a very visible stain
The look on his face when I told him what I did
Made me want to throw away the razor and finally get rid
Of this bondage that I held myself in
With him, I felt like I would win
Within this time, I found myself
Confiding in my parents the truth about my health
Their tears and anger were poignant, don’t get me wrong
But I stayed happy with the thought of the friends to whom I belong
When my mom picked me up that one fateful day,
He gave me the best hug before I went away
The truth and care behind that one single moment
Kept my tears away and kept my anger dormant
I replayed those few seconds over and over in my head
So happy and thankful that I wasn’t dead
And suddenly before I knew it, he
Became more than I had ever known, the best kind of memory
A beautiful saga, but only while it lasted
The way in which this chapter ended severely contrasted.
With a fight and tears and very loud yelling
All added up to one look, in one glance telling
Me all the pain that I had caused
Suddenly, I saw the flaws
In one fell moment, I lost it all.
My trust, my friends. I took quite a fall.
I acted like a b****, except I did not act.
A side of me came out that I knew would impact
My life in a very major way
Holding off all people, keeping them at bay.
Spring break is a time of joy for students
Dressing in bikinis and tossing aside prudence
For me it holds a different meaning
Rather than others, on myself I began leaning
The people I had thought to be my truest friends
Were now simply a recollection, beginning with an end
Since then, a month has passed
Lessons have been learned and memories have harassed
The past five years, in my mind
Feel like they’ve been lived by someone blind
The past is behind me, once and for all
And finally here I stand, reaching up tall
The hardest lessons I have learned
Are the ones in which you end up burned
As Marilyn Monroe once famously said,
Before this wonderful woman ended up dead,
“A girl doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her.”
This final piece of truth wiped away the blur.
All of a sudden, I knew
That to go through life, feeling blue
And fighting for people who don’t care
Is like breathing in a pint of air
That’s been bottled up and buried.
I have no need for the people who only make me feel harried.
I’ve walked away from all of this
A stronger, smarter, more jaded Miss.
I suppose you could say I’m a cold-hearted b****
And I would agree. But that’s not a glitch.
I’m not always happy, not always content
But no longer, no more, not ever again will my thinking be bent.
Through all of my years, too many indeed,
I’ve let others tell me I couldn’t succeed.
But now I’ve stopped listening. Simply put, I’ve moved on.
For when the warm sun peaks over at dawn,
It no longer finds tears spilling over a frown.
It finds a woman victorious, wearing her crown.