Left on a Classic Monday Morning to learn how to be human.

Pledged allegiance for which It stands to be American.

Swore on my Mother's Sturdy Headstone to save the world.

Left footprints on the wall because it rained again.

My refrigerator is a rectangular affair. It stores food on a technicality. Mostly it's shoved against the wall and lectures passerby on the correct lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner.

It's surprisingly liberal. The faucets - self described Heroic Conservatives - tried reasoning with It. Dec. 12, 2012 loomed, afterall. They slurred it into one phrase like that: afterall.

We tried to argue with the refrigerator once. Welfare is a necessary evil, the People need to be thrown a rope. "None of that s***cake pillface". Cussed like a Jerry Springer audience. Rhymed when it pleased.

On Tuesday the mail came. Brazil's last forest sprawled on the kitchen table. The fridge hollered "Waltzing Matilda" as the moment struck. It just picked up these things.

Friday the television got left on and serenaded the house with Lifetime. Had a field day.